My alcoholic husband doesn't love me - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-16-2012, 11:39 PM Thread Starter
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My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

I don't know where to begin. I have moved out of my house, I left my highly functioning alcoholic husband because I could't stand by and watch anymore. We have a 14 and 9 year old. I really thought when I left 3 months ago he would realize he loved and wanted his family and would get help. Boy, was I ever wrong. He has now come to the decision that he no longer loves me. This has destroyed me. I was sure my leaving would be his rock bottom sort of speak and he would get the help he needs. I really was not prepared for this, I thought he loved me and I blamed all of our issues on his drinking not the fact that he didn't love me. I have been blind sided. Any advice on what I do now? Even as I ask that I know the answer it is just so sad and I don't know how our lives got here. I was the alcohol cop in our house as he tried to quit and he hates me for it I just can't believe the stuff he put me through and he doesn't love me? Must be nice to live a life numbed by alcohol he has no clue how awful the last few years have been how awful he has been and I still love him so much. How can it be that he just doesn't love me!
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-16-2012, 11:49 PM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Have you been to alanon meetings?

He might very well be saying this right now to 'punish' you for ending your enabling. Sure you were the 'alcohol cop'. But even that is part of the game... you played the cop and he worked to sneak around you.

So you quite playing the game and now he's mad at you.

You need help in staying strong and committed to building your strength.

What you seem to forget is that an addict loves their drug (alcohol in his case) more than they love anything else.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 02:21 AM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

If you have not been to al-anon you really should go. You need should not buy into anything he is saying right now. He very well may be saying anything and everything just to hurt you for leaving.

If you can not bring your self to go to meetings/ or you have gone and need more help, there are a lot on on line resources and even books. I recommend getting Melody Beattie's book called Codependent No More and the work book.

I think that you should let him cool off. Three months is not very long. Is he sober? Is he in a program? What makes you think he is in place where he can really tell the truth to you or him self?
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 06:57 AM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

First of all people with addictions usually love their drug more than anything else. Secondly he's just mad because you quit playing the game.

Now you need to quit focusing on him and start focusing on yourself. Alanon would be a good place to start although for me I prefer one on one counseling but that's just me.
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 07:02 AM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Any addict suffers from an illness. It's not that he doesn't love you. The problem is that he can't love or focus on anything but alcohol. Apart from the disease he might be the best guy on earth but right now, you're married to an alcoholic.
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 07:47 AM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

I am in the same situation except I asked him to move out because I couldn't stand the turmoil anymore. Its been 3 months for me also. I found a marriage counselor who we have been seeing for the last couple weeks. If you can find a counselor it does help. I am also going to al anon meetings. They tell you that you cant cause it cure it or control it. Plus my husband is angry too because he thinks I let him down. Your husband needs time and I don't think 3 months is enough. I also thought that my husband would hit rock bottom after he left but he moved in with his parents. They are his new enablers. His dad is an alcoholic so they are accepting of his drinking. Goodluck to you this is a very emotional time.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-17-2012, 01:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Thank you all for the input. I know you are right. I have not been to al-anon I have considered it but living in a small town I would have to take time off of work to go and being alone right now I can't afford that. I have however read multiple books and spoken to a counselor, he even went with me once but will not return. Treatment of any sort is out of the question he refuses. I know it is his issue and I can't fix it. He has chosen the alcohol, he will not even go to a 1 hour alcohol evaluation with strings attached. I know all of his lies and what all the experts say, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know inside of that alcoholic somewhere is my husband. The man I planned to live the rest of my life with and am so afraid that if I give up now he is gone forever. But, then again I don't have him anymore anyway. It just really sucks. There are no other words for it. Thanks for listening!
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2012, 11:45 PM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Sweet lady, I could have written this letter myself. I don't have children with him and I will eventually find that to be a blessing. But he sure as heck hurt my son from a previous relationship. I completely understand what you wrote. I know you hurt. My mom told me a few years ago that he chose the booze over me and then the booze became his lover. I have been so hurt that I am not the same woman. I am going to alanon. If you did break up for good I guess you'll find that it was for the best. Doesn't make the pain go away, eh? I know, that's what everyone tells me. So what I have been doing the past 2 days is pray. I ask God to bless him and ask for the blessings that I want for myself. It's because my self pity and resentment has poisoned me. Do it for 2 weeks and see if it helps. That's where I am at today. I cry everyday. He was verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive and my spirit died. I know I will be ok someday... I mean this sincerely that I could have written this myself what you wrote. I will always believe that he does love me...but he doesn't. I guess cuz he doesn't love himself. Would you love yourself if you treated someone the way he treated you? Go with God. Peace, Victoria
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 05-22-2012, 11:47 PM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

I am sorry for your pain. I hope you find peace soon.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 11-21-2014, 12:03 AM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Okay here goes, I am currently married to a RECOVERING alcoholic, who has almost 21 yrs of sobriety - HOWEVER.. After our first 3 months together, everything went to hell in a handbasket.. Red flags flew up everywhere, but Litlo me thought, it was just a one time occurance - boy was I wrong.. My marriage has gone from LOVING to hating one another. Alcoholics or should I say, the one I am married to, has an addiction problem period.. He may have put that drink down, but nothin' else has changed.. The lies, the deceit and when I confront him with this, after I witnessed with my OWN eyeballs, he STILL lied!! There are major control issues and in a way I am glad AA is there for the alcoholics and I suppose it differs in them all, but mine has taken everything in life to extremes!! He has totally pushed me out of the picture, which has made me resentful as hell, I will not lie.. I am honest as they come and cannot for the life of me, understand why someone would blatantly lie after they were proven a liar.. He still uses the 'manipulation' and the program has actually made my hubs an extremely SELFISH man.. We are late in life married.. He has purposely done some awful things to me KNOWING as a wife I need things from him to be fulfilled.. After reaching out for help, he ALWAYS stopped dead center.. He's a control freak and when i get myself out of this one, I will NEVER again in my life get involved with an abuser of alcohol or one who is recovering.. Whether they are 'Active' or 'Sober'.. It's the epitome of hell for those of us who love them.. I didn't know him when he was actively drinkin', but his 'dry-drunk' behavior is totally unacceptable, so I cannot even imagine how he was while under the influence.. GOOD GRIEF!! I am not a stranger when it comes to alcohol or the AA program, I was once in Alanon for quite awhile, but at this point in my life, I've had enough.. This man doesn't respect me any longer and he refuses to cut the strings.. he tries to control every aspect of my life EVEN the way I think or feel about things or people.. I REFUSE TO BE CONTROLLED BY a sick individual.. I do believe there is more of a serious underlying problem, but until he LEARNS to be honest, which he still struggles with.. he's not gonna make it.. I sometimes question if he is bi-polar or even manic depressive.. He changes his mind and moods more than a babies diapers are changed - never seen nothin' like it in my 5 decades of life, but like I said, enough is enough.. I can't have inner peace when I'm struggling with this dysfunction in my life on a daily basis and boy does he play the pitiful victim part, extremely well may I add, but will twist and turn it to make me think or believe I'm the BAD person here.. Life's too short, I say get the hell away from anyone like that.. Just sharing my experience..
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 09-25-2015, 04:55 PM
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Re: My alcoholic husband doesn't love me

Your story is the same as mine, I know my husband is in there somewhere but I can't reach him and he says he doesn't want me. The hurt is unimaginable. Now I think there is another woman on the scene, but he won't admit it. I just can't get through to him - he has stopped wearing his wedding ring which hurts me like hell.
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