Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
We've been together three years, married one. Six months after dating my husband left his laptop signed on to his email. I snooped and discovered he belonged to three (that I know of) "meet people porn sites." I got on to one of them through his email and discovered he had been having very sexual conversations with three different women. He apologized, said he was just curious, and said he never planned on meeting any of them. We split up and slowly got back together. Since then I found out that he has an addiction to porn. He had several hundred movies downloaded. He apologized and said he would quit. Caught him again, ect. He agreed he had a problem and said he would quit and he would come to me if he felt the urge. Then I found evidencce of it again. He agreed to go to counseling and we went for about a month. It seemed to help. then I found out that he signed up for two different pay for porn sites. I saw it on his credit card statement. He denied it and said he used to belong to them and they just automatically renewed it. I called the sites and they do not automatically renew yearly subscriptions. You have to sign up new to them for the yearly plan. He signed up ten days after we were married. We do have sex and it's great, I'm the one who always initiates it and he does turn me down sometimes. I feelm so undesireable. I am not a prude at all, but I can't stand this! I constantly feel the need to check things and every time I do, I find something. He says how can we move on if I keep bringing up the past. I say I'm not bringing up the past, it's then present and what I've found recently. He says I need to quit looking. I say that every time I look I find something! Now he uses the inprivate browsing on his computer! I have no way of knowing what he looks at, but the fact that I saw him using that tells me he's hiding something! Last week I found a history on his phone of several videos he watched and he even had neked pictures saved to his photos on his phone. He said he would not go back to counseling because he doesn't have a problem. He says there's nothing wrong with a little porn. I said it's not a little porn, it's a ton! I don't want a divorce and I do love him, I just feel so sad that he lies all the time and he just keeps on doing it!
No we still have sex and it's great but he does turn me down. I always initiate also. I'm just sick of all the sneaking around and lying! Posted via Mobile Device
That's a tough one since he's so heavily involved into the porn world I'm not sure you can get him to quit. If you weren't having sex it'd be a different story.
2) Acceptance (which you probably also don't want)
However, know, that you won't change him.
You might consider talking to him in a productive rather than a restrictive way. Find out what kind of porn turns him on most, tell him what you maybe turn you on and ask him to introduce it to you. It would allow him to be more open with you and it could actually lead to lots of fun.
In case you, yourself, are generally offended or in any way repelled by porn, you will sooner or later need to choose option 1 above.
The NAGGING IS NOT WORKING and he is not going to stop so do something totally off the wall and let him enjoy what he is into and you can also try sitting next to him with the porno you like,WHY NOT.Have you ever asked him why he likes it in a non-angry way or what you can do to enjoy it with him.
There are Women and men that like porn and will not give it up,so you can keep being negative about it or you can look for something that will actually work.
My husband did something similar, and when I found out I kicked him out. Wanting to meet up with other women for sex is cheating. We are reconciling, but only because he is getting the help he needs.
My husband is also a sex/cybersex/porn addict (porn addiction is a type of sex addiction - all porn addicts are sex addicts but not vice versa). There are links in my sig that may help you. Unless your husband is willing to get himself some major help, you don't have much of a chance, sorry to say. Sadly, many sex addicts end up in jail.
Listen to Hope; the rest of the replies you could do without, IMO. Your husband, however, will have to be the one to quit, otherwise you're just 'Officer Newwife123'. Erect some firm boundaries around yourself, and figure out what you're willing to accept. And reject.
Google how to disable inprivate browsing with your network operating system. It isn't very hard, but just hard enough that someone who doesn't know this will be mystified as to how to get it back.
Reality check - most men watch porn and almost almost all husbands do masturbate from time to time .... but if its replacing your sex life its a problem and he shouldnt be lookin at cybersex options or meeting people on adult websites .... choose your battles and am sure you guys can reach some common ground ... and dont let other women tell you not to listen to male points of view .... if you are in this forum i think its better you look at the picture from both sides.
The conversations with women is a seperate issue from the porn.
Porn use is normal among men and totally legal. Why is it a problem for you? You said it doesn't affect your sex life, so? As for the lying he wouldn't feel the need to lie if you didn't over-react.
'Porn addiction' is not included in the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA’s) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III-R).
Men and women have the right to masturbate. If men don't masturbate they are much more likely to get prostate cancer.
I don't believe that anyone has the right to tell you not to masturbate or to tell you not to use legal pornographic material to help you do so.
If he isn't initiating and he's turning you down then it's a big problem. Porn is highly addictive and can be very damaging. It leads to unrealistic expectations and desensitized some men to real sex. Porn is a huge problem and is fast becoming one of the biggest problems brought into marital counseling, it is not nothing and not harmless.
There are places your husband can go to get help.
You deserve to feel desired by your husband, and he shouldn't be doing
Something that hurts you or harms your relationship.
Not to mention he's also lying to you and has had
Intimate sexual chats with other women. None of this OK.
Anything that comes between you, particularly that takes the focus off the sexual bond between the two of you is very harmful.
I suggest you also go to counseling. Posted via Mobile Device
Porn is highly addictive and can be very damaging. It leads to unrealistic expectations and desensitized some men to real sex. Porn is a huge problem and is fast becoming one of the biggest problems brought into marital counseling, it is not nothing and not harmless.
Do you have any evidence to back those statements up?
If porn is highly addictive why isn't it included in the American Psychiatric Association’s (APA’s) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-III-R)?
More than 70% of men regularly use porn, are you saying that 7 out of 10 of the men out there have 'unrealistic expectations'?
Blaming porn for marital problems is a mistake. Excessive porn use is a symptom of a problem, just like excessive eating or drinking, it is not the problem itself.
This obession with pornography is a distraction and can prevent people from seeing the real problems and dealing with them.
See an excerpt from a study at the University of Montreal below:
Prof Lajeunesse interviewed 20 heterosexual male university students who consumed pornography.
Around 90 per cent of consumption was on the internet, while 10 per cent of material came from video stores.
Single men watched pornography for an average of 40 minutes, three times a week, while those in relationships watched it 1.7 times a week for around 20 minutes.
The study found that men watched pornography that matched their own image of sexuality, and quickly discarded material they found offensive or distasteful.
Prof Lajeunesse said pornography did not have a negative effect on men's sexuality.
“Not one subject had a pathological sexuality,” he said. “In fact, all of their sexual practices were quite conventional.
“Pornography hasn't changed their perception of women or their relationship, which they all want to be as harmonious and fulfilling as possible,” he added.
This ^ article is quite good, and the OP may find it very helpful. Please read and let me know if it doesn't adequately refute your points above.
Moreover studies do show that it changes men's perception of women and sex, however they don't notice these shifts as it then becomes a new norm for them.
Most importantly if you are in a relationship with someone and you believe that their porn use/ drinking/ gaming/ freindships or whatever else you want to insert here, negatively effect your relationship, then your spouse should care enough about you to look at the issue and put you first. Relationships with selfish, self indulgent people who don't pay attention to the needs of their spouse don't last.
I tend to pay more attention to studies that are from independent, peer-reviewed academic organisations, otherwise it is a bit like defending pornography with a study sponsored by Hustler magazine. Do you have anything from a credible organisation?
Quote:
Originally Posted by *LittleDeer*
Moreover studies do show that it changes men's perception of women and sex, however they don't notice these shifts as it then becomes a new norm for them.
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Husband's porn addiction is ruining us 
