Left my husband-was a gambler.. - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 03:51 AM Thread Starter
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Left my husband-was a gambler..

Left my husband (we were together for 21yrs) after deciding I couldn't trust him anymore,there were some other factors but the main factor was the gambling...

I felt he let me down while gambling when we were on one income after starting a family-the anxiety I experienced while wondering how we could pay bills & just survive was huge,he promised to stop but he never did & never sought professional help.He stole money from workplaces & lied to his family so he could borrow money he gambled to pay bills.He out us in incredible debt & compromised our credit rating...it has taken me the past 5yrs to get us out of debt & our credit rating restored.I had nothing left for him after going through all of this & developed feelings for someone late last year-when I felt feelings for someone else I knew it was OVER-he denied he had a problem & talked about us getting a home & having things like new cars etc but we had no savings & couldn't ever seeing us with money in the bank.He let me down as a husband,he didn't support his family..he is a liar & thief.

I left him after having feelings for someone else,we had discussed separating last year but I wasn't ready as we still had joint debt from his gambling so I wanted to pay everything out from his income...we have now been separated for 5mths,he refuses to believe he has a problem (but I have proof he is still gambling now & on a bigger scale as he has complete control of his money)....all he can see is I had an affair which in a sense I did as I developed emotions for someone else but I left him asap after realising I had nothing left for him....the trust was broken,I'd been lied to way too long & couldn't imagine another 20yrs of this life.

I don't know what I want coming on here,maybe some empathy from others that have been through similar...not sure.
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 06:02 AM
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My dad has an addiction issue. It started off with alcohol, then turned into gambling. He was roughly gambling 100k per year for several years. It wasn't much more then his income, but none of the bills were paid with his earnings. They were paid through loans, refinancing on the house(loans) and credit cards. The gambling finally ended from my mom, for the most part. My dad even lost high paying jobs due to gambling being more important then meetings or his work. He did use his work credit card, but my mother found out and paid it back before he was caught.

10 years after quitting, he was sneaking out again. I found 800 cash in his computer bag looking for a cord while visiting. I quickly gave it to my mother. It was confirmed he was gambling again.

It's a very hard and difficult process to stick with and correct. There are a lot of arguments. My mother turned out to be very controlling and with us kids too. She yelled constantly at us and my dad. It's her way or the highway. Even when I allowed them in my home to stay when my father lost his job.

My mother now and for a while has a spending addiction. She justifies it due to my dad wasting all that money through the years. I thank God I no longer live with them. They have so many issues, both lie. I can't handle that environment.

It's a life long commitment dealing with someone who has addictions. It's a disease and should be treated as one. I, for one, am not willing to put up with it from my life partner. I would of left long before, since I've lived a lifetime with the issue. Along with gambling is stealing and lying. Trust is thrown out the window.

Your stbxh will always gamble unless someone is there to babysit is every moment. There is nothing wrong with checking out of the marriage in my opinion. This is not what you signed up for.

My brother and I really did learn from our parents. We both are opposite from them. We don't drink, spend extra money on useless or luxury items or gamble at all.

Good luck in your future.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 03:25 PM
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Re: Left my husband-was a gambler..

dream_weaver-

after lurking here a while your post inspired me to register and respond.

I don't want to steal your thread, but just to let you know I am in a very similar situation. I left my husband last year when he refused to stop gambling. The final straw was when I took an Al-Anon test to see if I was codependent. If you replaced "alcohol" with "gambling" I answered yes to every question.

I would have left sooner but it took me several months to even save enough to get a decent apartment for my child and myself. I do have some supportive friends but my family just doesn't get it and acts like I am completely selfish for wanting a better life for my child and me.

So, I offer my support. I haven't been able to find much IRL or online.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 06-10-2012, 06:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Left my husband-was a gambler..

Thankyou both for your replies-very comforting to know I have doen the right thing leaving...yes I am being called selfish by my ex & also he thinks I had an affair & takes it back to June last year when I didn't even know this person...easy to point the blame at someone else.

notreme-thankyou for registering to reply,hopefully we can gain some support here.How are you coping?

I'minlovewithmyhubby-thankyou for reconfirming it would'nt get any better living with someone dealing with an addiction,my new partner is careful with his money,only drinks occasionally & is a person true to their word...like a breath of fresh air!

We did see a counsellor at the very end with as the ex was trying a last ditch effort to stay together & the counsellor said it was over....he said it had to come to this-me having feelings for someone else as I'd lost all trust.
I go between thinking & knowing I did the right thing to feeling some guilt as thats what the ex is trying to get me to feel.Also hard explaining to young children the reason for leaving...they just wouldn't understand the impact of gambling.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 04:43 AM
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Re: Left my husband-was a gambler..

Thankyou for your advice. I am in the middle of finding my husband is a liar and a gambler for the most of our 12 years together. Our children are now acting up at school with all the arguing. I'm praying for an answer soon.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-16-2016, 09:54 AM
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Re: Left my husband-was a gambler..

Quote:
Originally Posted by dream_weaver View Post
.yes I am being called selfish by my ex & also he thinks I had an affair & takes it back to June last year when I didn't even know this person...easy to point the blame at someone else.
An addict will try everything in their power to push their shame on to you. Don't accept it.

It sounds like you worked very hard trying to make the marriage successful. He is the one who destroyed it.

Sounds like you are on the right path. Work on detaching emotionally from him. Ensure any financial obligations you have are spelled out in your divorce agreement. Good luck!
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 02-25-2016, 08:01 AM
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Re: Left my husband-was a gambler..

Quote:
Originally Posted by fishface View Post
Thankyou for your advice. I am in the middle of finding my husband is a liar and a gambler for the most of our 12 years together. Our children are now acting up at school with all the arguing. I'm praying for an answer soon.
This is a very old thread. Please open a new one for your issue. You will get better responses directed at you and not the original poster. Thanks.

Amp

Confidence Love Patience Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.

"Some of the greatest lessons life has taught me came from my darkest days in it" -Amp
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