Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
This focused topic area seems to be the one where porn and marriage is discussed, and although my behavior is far from an "addiction," here goes. . . .
We've been married 12 very happy years, and have three beautiful children together. All is well in our marriage and our lives. I am (I believe) a devoted family man and a loyal and loving husband. Never had an affair, never wanted to, never would dream of it. She too is infinitely loyal and devoted to our family, and gives of herself in an extremely unselfish way. We share in all the work of running a household and raising our children. We also share no small amount of joy, both as a couple and as a family of five. I feel compelled to add (just for background) that religion plays no role whatever in our lives (if we differ there, please don't judge; I promise not to judge you in return.)
I am ashamed of it, but I admit to having viewed free porn on-line occasionally (perhaps once a week during some periods; not at all for long stretches). Doing so has never made me feel good about myself; quite the opposite in fact. For me it is not a craving, or even particularly enjoyable. I did it in an idle, mindless way. Makes it all the more puzzling that I did it at all!
Anyway, it finally happened - my wife discovered some images on the computer. She angrily confronted me, and I did not deny it or try to minimize it. All this happened about a week ago, and since then I feel as though I have been desperately fighting to preserve some - any - vestiges of my married life and family life. I have been as contrite as a person can possibly be. I apologized profusely, agreeing that it is disgusting and shameful behavior, not to mention hurtful to her. I swore to never ever do it ever again. That is a promise that will never be broken, ever.
We have spoken many times about this over the last several days. Mostly it's her levelling accusations at me: this is the same as cheating; how can I ever believe a word you say; how could you hurt me like this; my self-respect can't stay intact if I remain married to you; you are no better than the "average guy" but I didn't think I married an average guy; you've made your choice and you don't seem to want me; this is always the way it starts - then there's affairs and divorce (here she lists others - friends and also public figures - who in her mind serve as examples of the "inevitable" downward spiral from porn viewing to infidelity to divorce). For my part, I bear these words as best I can, I must admit usually in tears, as they hurt a great, great deal. We have always imagined our marriage as an especially strong one, our family unit as unshakably whole. Never before in our marriage has the prospect of divorce been raised as a real possibility, even in anger. But, on this occasion, I am sorry to say that she has indicated that she does not want to remain married to me. Cuts deeper than any knife.
Through these conversations, I repeatedly acknowledge her anger and hurt, and I say (and believe) that she has a right to feel the way she does. I also apologize (again and again), and promise to never do it again. These utterances she dismisses as the words of a person who simply cannot be trusted.
If you've read this far, perhaps you will indulge a little more background here. My wife is a wonderful woman, I love her like life itself, I am completely devoted to her, and I tell her these things all the time (she now says that I have wiped away any such thing that I've ever said to her). She is extremely generous with her time and herself, and her first priority is always me and our family. She can be very understanding and charitable too. But. . . there is one "demon" that took me a long time to understand, and which may help explain her powerful reaction. I will not call her a "man hater" - that's too strong a term - but she does have a strong aversion to much of what might be considered "characteristically male" behavior - bravado, borish behavior particularly toward women, emotional cluelessness, intimidation, etc. I hasten to add that she has these attitudes for very good and understandable reasons (which I won't go into here, but which have nothing to do with me). The way these attitudes play out between us is that any hurt or upset on her part, even if fairly modest in scale, gets transformed into generous helpings of hostility aimed at me. That might be a bit of an understatement. It has been hard on me, from time to time; I consider authentic hostility to be something of a "love spoiler." But I know where it comes from, and I accept and appreciate her for all the many wonderful things she is.
Anyway, it seems that, in her mind, I have offended in the absolute worst way possible, in that most "characteristically male" of ways - by viewing porn. By doing so I have transformed myself from the man that she loves (or loved), the man she "thought was different," into just another clumsy, rude jerk who is ruled by his penis. (She has basically said this.)
I tried to explain that, in the male brain, which is very different in this respect than the female brain, female body parts are just things that we have an urge to look at. It isn't rational thinking; it is just a base urge. I also tried to explain that me looking at porn has zero emotional content: it is nothing but that base urge. For example, I would never in a million years want to see or touch one of the girls in the images, in real life. I quickly add, when explaining these things, that this is not to minimize or dismiss her hurt, which is real, and which I caused with my thoughtlessness. That it hurts her the way it does is reason enough, obviously, for me to swear to never go near another porn image again (and stick to that promise).
There is no "last straw" aspect to my story; no dark broader context that bears on her reaction to my transgression. We were very happy, blissfully so I would say, with no unresolved points of friction. Sexually, we have (had now) a great relationship. In terms of frequency (up until "the discovery" anyway), maybe 3, sometimes even 4 or 5 times a week. How many married couples of 12 years do that, and with 3 young children? And, this is the honest truth (but now she doesn't believe me): to me, she is the most beautiful woman in the entire world. No one even comes close. When we make love, all I think about is her. I don't play any "highlight reel" in my head, or imagine being with someone else. All my "highlight reels" star her and only her.
Friends, I screwed up, big time. I admit that. My error was hugely stupid, thoughtless, foolish. I have asked and asked for forgiveness, but it doesn't appear that I am going to get it. I am terribly scared. I love her so very much. I want my children to grow up in a "whole" family. I have even suggested to her that maybe we could just be housemates; I would be a good and considerate one, and I would respect her privacy (and I would remain a faithful husband, though an "unconventional" one I guess). All this only seems to make things worse. I would surely appreciate frank (but hopefully gentle) thoughts or words of advice. Thank you for reading.
She's going to keep ranting at you until you tell her to knock it off, you aren't going anywhere, you've watched a little porn now and then for the last decade and the only time it's threatened the relationship is when your wife blew up into a shrieking banshee wanting to ruin everyones life.
Her blowing up at you in a complete over-reaction is about the stuff in her past, not really anything you did now. Perhaps she should get counseling and/or marriage counseling before she guts the childhood for three kids.
You also sound like you were walking on eggshells around her before all this blew up.
__________________
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 is available to buy! Love, Sex, Nice Guys, Alpha, Beta, Dealing With Cheating, Oneitis, Sexless Marriages, Sex Rank, Body Agenda, Sexy Moves, Seduction Skills and more! 344 pages of high quality practical information. The MMSL Primer Book
I am ashamed of it, but I admit to having viewed free porn on-line occasionally (perhaps once a week during some periods; not at all for long stretches). Doing so has never made me feel good about myself; quite the opposite in fact. For me it is not a craving, or even particularly enjoyable. I did it in an idle, mindless way. Makes it all the more puzzling that I did it at all!
Anyway, it finally happened - my wife discovered some images on the computer.
Ok, in general, I will admit that I am against porn. Much for the same reasons your wife stated, but that is my PERSONAL view. I don't push that view onto others. If someone asks my opinion, I give it. But I don't try to force anyone to change his or her mind to my way of thinking. I am thankful that my husband views porn the same way I do. Really, that is all that matters: that we are on the same page.
Now, with that being said, I bolded and quoted one part of your post that stood out to me. I can tell you why you are ashamed, and why it made you feel bad about yourself. It is because you were doing it in secret, hoping your wife wouldn't find out. Honestly, I don't think it is even the viewing that made her angry. I think it is more likely that you were HIDING it from her, ashamed of yourself. And, in keeping it hidden, THAT is what made it an issue. Perhaps she would have been against it from the start. Perhaps not. The fact is, now you will never know.
Athol suggested your wife may need counseling. I agree with that... but I think you do as well. You were ashamed of watching it. You need to learn what made you want to view it. It could be that "guy thing" (ftr, I don't buy into that because not all men view it, not all men enjoy it)... or there could be something that you felt you needed. I can't say because I don't know.
And, as you said religion doesn't play a part in this...you both need to discover what made her so adamantly against it. Frankly, I think it was because you hid it. But i would be pissed if my husband hid porn as well! Try to get her to go to counseling, but IC AND MC... IC for both of you.
Good luck!
Oh, Lamaga, I don't think she was nuts lol. I think she really was reacting to the fact that he had it hidden from her. Maybe I'm wrong. *shrug*
You both are mismatched on your views on the issue, so its best to go your separate ways, and find someone who shares the same views and let her do the same.
She's going to keep ranting at you until you tell her to knock it off, you aren't going anywhere, you've watched a little porn now and then for the last decade and the only time it's threatened the relationship is when your wife blew up into a shrieking banshee wanting to ruin everyones life.
Her blowing up at you in a complete over-reaction is about the stuff in her past, not really anything you did now. Perhaps she should get counseling and/or marriage counseling before she guts the childhood for three kids.
You also sound like you were walking on eggshells around her before all this blew up.
Ok, in general, I will admit that I am against porn. Much for the same reasons your wife stated, but that is my PERSONAL view. I don't push that view onto others. If someone asks my opinion, I give it. But I don't try to force anyone to change his or her mind to my way of thinking. I am thankful that my husband views porn the same way I do. Really, that is all that matters: that we are on the same page.
Now, with that being said, I bolded and quoted one part of your post that stood out to me. I can tell you why you are ashamed, and why it made you feel bad about yourself. It is because you were doing it in secret, hoping your wife wouldn't find out. Honestly, I don't think it is even the viewing that made her angry. I think it is more likely that you were HIDING it from her, ashamed of yourself. And, in keeping it hidden, THAT is what made it an issue. Perhaps she would have been against it from the start. Perhaps not. The fact is, now you will never know.
Athol suggested your wife may need counseling. I agree with that... but I think you do as well. You were ashamed of watching it. You need to learn what made you want to view it. It could be that "guy thing" (ftr, I don't buy into that because not all men view it, not all men enjoy it)... or there could be something that you felt you needed. I can't say because I don't know.
And, as you said religion doesn't play a part in this...you both need to discover what made her so adamantly against it. Frankly, I think it was because you hid it. But i would be pissed if my husband hid porn as well! Try to get her to go to counseling, but IC AND MC... IC for both of you.
Good luck!
Oh, Lamaga, I don't think she was nuts lol. I think she really was reacting to the fact that he had it hidden from her. Maybe I'm wrong. *shrug*
I think this hits the nail on the head. At least for me it does. I've noticed a lot of women who are comfortable with porn use are in relationships where it's not some big secret and they are also getting their sexual needs met. Posted via Mobile Device
I also think she's nuts, but if you look at things from her perspective, apparently him viewing porn = cheating, so she's having a very normal reaction from the POV of the betrayed spouse.
If she really insists on taking a stand about this, perhaps your best recourse would be marriage counseling.
Maybe if you do some reading around the Coping with Infidelity forum you can come up with some ideas. You need to treat her as if you are a fully remorseful wayward husband (which btw from what you wrote, you do appear to be) and hope she comes round.
Is there ANY chance you can convince her that the porn use you described is nothing more than 99.99% of healthy red blooded males??
Huh...not sure if I'm agreeing with you or not, Hope
I don't think that looking at porn, even in secret, in any way equates to cheating. I've been cheated on, and Lordy, how much I would have loved for that not to have happened and for him to have been only looking at porn. I think that equating the two seriously minimizes the experience of those who have actually experienced physical cheating.
But...that's just me, and I'm used to being wrong around here
All you do is look at pictures? No video? I'm a woman and I don't think there's anything wrong with porn. People have been depicting bodies and sex acts for thousands of years.
Is she a feminist? I think some women view it as being debasing to women, that the poor innocent people in these pictures are being used and abused. Could that be where she is coming from? Posted via Mobile Device
Anyway, it finally happened - my wife discovered some images on the computer. She angrily confronted me, and I did not deny it or try to minimize it.
Curious: Were you actually saving these images on the hard drive or was your wife combing through the browser cache?
The reason I ask is because people don't usually save images to a family computer unless they don't care if they're found. Conversely, people don't usually comb through a browser image cache unless they are suspicious.
Huh...not sure if I'm agreeing with you or not, Hope
I don't think that looking at porn, even in secret, in any way equates to cheating. I've been cheated on, and Lordy, how much I would have loved for that not to have happened and for him to have been only looking at porn. I think that equating the two seriously minimizes the experience of those who have actually experienced physical cheating.
But...that's just me, and I'm used to being wrong around here
I don't think it does either. But apparently this guys wife does. That's why I am equating her reaction to that of a BS.
48Likes
wife discovered porn, now wants me out 
Re: wife discovered porn, now wants me out 
