lostandscared

Hi, I am new here but am dealing with a very difficult situation. My husband and I have been married for 9 years, the last 5 years we have been dealing with infertility. I finally became pregnant (after that many years and a lot of time and money with a fertility specialist), and gave birth to our amazing son last December. In May of this year I decided to go through his phone... the first time in over 10 years together I had ever invaded his privacy like that. That is when I suddenly had all the answers to why he had become so distant and emotionally blank - he was using drugs pretty regularly. I became very angry that night, not only about the drug use, but one of the text messages said that my son (about 6 weeks old at the time) was in the car. I kicked him out that night. His family came and picked him up and he has been staying with his parents every since.

He went to rehab for a cocaine problem - 30 days of outpatient. That was early May, he has only gone to one NA meeting since he has been out of rehab. He still contacts his counselor through the rehab place once every week to two weeks. We are cordial and he has seen the baby several times, but I am not comfortable with him being alone so he is always with either his mom, dad or me.

I have gone to a few Al-anon meetings. I would like to attend them more regularly, but my excuse so far has been this working full time and being a single mom thing it TOUGH!

Here is my issue, though, he's not sure if he wants to work on our marriage. He thinks that my expectations are too high and that is going to cause him stress, which will lead to more drug use, which will lead to him not being able to be the father he wants to be. He doesn't think that I can ever be happy with him and that he will never be happy knowing that I am not happy. He has admitted that he has a lot of anxiety over our relationship and that he doesn't want to talk/deal with it right now because that anxiety makes him want to use drugs again.

I have started to think that he is right. At first I was on a mission to figure out anything that needed to be done to fix our marriage. After all, we have been through so much and I DO LOVE him, we could get through this and be even stronger. He has been gone now for over 2 months, I have figured out a lot on my own and I am now not sure that I want to keep "pushing" to fix our relationship. I can't just sit in limbo for forever either. Originally we agreed to wait 4 months before making any BIG decision (i.e. divorce), but I just don't know if there is any hope.

Any advice would be very appreciated.

Cherry

Actually, he should wait at least 12 months (sober) before he makes any major decisions in his life. Your H is new to sobriety and from what you wrote, it sounds like he is serious about it. It sounds like he has pinpointed some of his triggers and you really need to give him his space to continue working through his addiction and recovery.

I would take this opportunity to perhaps see a counselor on your own as well.

Good luck to you and your family!

oregonmom

Lost,
I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I could have written this post five years ago. My H went to outpatient rehab for pain meds when I was a few months pregnant, then to inpatient for a month when our son was 2 months old.

You are doing the right thing going to Al-Anon. I understand how hard it is to get to meetings being a single mom, working full time and having a baby - that was my excuse not to go. I really regret not finding an hour a week to get to a meeting now, it would have saved me a lot of heartache over the past few years.

I am in limbo with my H now, going on about 5 months. It is not fun, I know. You are in the midst of a crisis, and the answers can't be rushed as much as you would like them to just come to you.

There are a few red flags in your story that I saw myself and dismissed. One NA meeting and occasional contact with his councilor is not enough. It seems like he is going through the motions to please you, but not doing it for himself. He is blaming you for his addiction (you have too high of expectations, you cause him anxiety that makes him want to use) instead of taking responsibility for his actions. This is typical addict thinking...if only everyone did as they would like they wouldn't have to use. Unfortunately, that is not the way life works. Things aren't always going to go your way. He is playing the victim instead of stepping up.

I'm not near the end of my story yet, so I can't really give you advice on how to live a happily ever after. I can tell you what has made me feel better and stronger in the past few months tho. I am not rushing myself, I am believing that the answers will come to me when the time is right. I am not nagging my H, but I am also not leaving him in the dark. I will tell him once something that I would like to see from him or that he could do to help me heal. I will write down his responses and actions to those things in a safe place. When I look back at those things, it gives me a clearer picture of what is really going on. I am being brutally honest with myself. I am trying to recognize both my good and bad qualities and change the self defeating attitudes that I have had. I am looking at my H's actions to define who he is, not his words.

Best of luck to you, keep posting and keep getting to Al-Anon as best you can. There are also online Al-Anon meetings here Online Al-Anon Outreach , that may be easier for you.

lostandscared

Thanks for the replies. I do want to try to get to more Al-anon meetings and would really like to try a counselor too. It is just heart breaking that he is not stepping up! In some ways I can see that he is (getting back to work and being honest with me for the first time in years), but in all reality he has to be active in recovery to stay recovered - and he just isn't. But I can't make him do it either. You're right, I need to just give him the space to recover and in the mean time I guess just do what feels "right" for me.

Cherry

Here is a secret about some people and NA/AA meetings, we just cannot do them. In fact, when I left AA sometimes, I wanted to drink, whereas before I went in, I was fine. I've never been to an NA meeting, but my H has for cocaine... He told me it's a breeding ground for drug users and he chose AA when he was court ordered to attend meetings..

The 30 day outpatient program your H went through was probably a very good starting ground for him. That is what my H went to and it was fantastic, he did not attend one NA meeting or meet with his counselors, etc. Instead he volunteered to speak at future intensive care programs and other service work.

I am not bashing AA or NA. It is a very powerful program, however I do not think attending or not attending AA/NA can define someone's progress in recovery.

lostandscared

Wow, never thought of it that way. Thanks for the insight. My H was court ordered to attend meetings last year, he went to AA meetings - but was still hiding the cocaine use from me at that point. He was also drinking very heavily at the time (and trying to hide that), so AA made sense to me. As soon as the court order was fulfilled he stopped going to meetings. That is when he started using and (again trying to hide) drinking again. I found multiple stashed empty vodka bottles after I went through his phone. Now he tells me that he doesn't have a drinking problem - he is drinking in moderation and only with friends. That he was trying to cover up the cocaine use and thought that maybe something in AA would help him with the bigger problem - coke - and that he would be able to get over it without me finding out. In fact after I did find out, he tried to lie on top of it and tell me he wasn't actually "using" the drug, just picking some up now and then.

Obviously honesty, and therefore trust are also big issues in our relationship. I feel like I've already lost my husband.

Cherry

Is the first time he's been to through any kind of intensive treatment? If you don't mind me asking, why was he court ordered to attend the meetings? DUI?

oregonmom

All addicts are different and they do not all respond to the same things. It seems like Cherry's H is doing well and what works for him, but the same can't be said for my H when he was not attending meetings or involved with his rehab activities. He was exhibiting the "I'm special" kind of thinking and relying on his will-power to get him thru it, and going thru the motions he thought he needed to do to make me happy.

Your first post really triggered me, and so I immediately went into anger mode about all the things I wish I would have done years ago. In a way, I was talking to myself and treating your H as my H. I'm not saying anything I say is gospel, just what I personally experienced and your situation could be completely different.

This last post of yours has also triggered me...I will just tell you my experience with this and you can take it or leave it My H was always hiding the drugs or alcohol from me. His reasoning was because I couldn't understand he could do them every once in a while and be just fine. When I would find a stash of his, he would either lie about what they were, how he got them, that it was the first time he got them in months or blow up on me that I was the reason he was "forced" to use. He has been sober almost 5 months now, and he still has no idea how to tell the truth. It's usually what he thinks I want him to say. This is also what happened when he came out of inpatient rehab, and he was sober for about a year.

It just takes time. It is frustrating. Remember if he is committed to staying sober, it is a major life change he is making and he can't change overnight. I would suggest that you think about boundaries, what you are and are not willing to accept in your relationship and follow thru with them. It is so important to follow thru, otherwise it means nothing.

lostandscared

Cherry - yes, first time through an "intensive out-patient" treatment. He got a DUI in 2010, and a slap on the wrist. In 2011 he was arrested for stealing ($$ out of a wallet left on a bar - completely out of character and we are by no means rich... but if he needed $$ all he had to do was go to an ATM). At that hearing he admitted to heavy drinking, judge went hard on him. Turns out he was using at that time too, but I didn't know that until recently - not sure if the courts knew that at the time. During the whole 2011 arrest, jail time and probation he also tried to lie and tell me it was all a big misunderstanding until I found out he pleaded guilty (public record). At that time he came clean about everything except the drug use.

No arrest this year (so far anyway), just me having a haunch and going through his phone.

lostandscared

Oregonmom - yes, the lying has been an issue for a long time. I have never found drugs - which is amazing that he could keep that cleaned up as he can't even put his socks in the hamper! I did start finding alcohol bottles again and when I would bring it up it was always - "Oh, that was an old bottle from when I went camping" or "Oh, I found that bottle stashed in my closet and didn't want you to find it so I put it in my underwear drawer". I understand the trigger, it happens to me too and I appreciate you honesty and candor.

My H and I actually just had a conversation tonight about how I would rather hear the truth than what he *thinks* I want to hear. I am also worried as this out-patient program is - well - what it is. He has been doing drugs for 10 years, though he has made several comments about his drug "problem" only being a year and a half - the prior 8 1/2 years were strictly recreational. :/

You are not the first person to mention boundries to me... I'm not sure I understand this. I feel like it is zero tolerance. I can't have him doing drugs and being around our baby - period. But his biggest issues right now is my "high expectations" and his biggest issue that is bringing him anxiety is letting me down.

oregonmom

The whole boundaries thing is something I am working on myself. I felt like I made boundaries back when he first went into rehab, but I was really just making threats that I didn't have the strength to follow thru on. My H knew I wouldn't follow thru, therefore they didn't work. I will PM you an excerpt from a book that really helped me form some good boundaries this time around (I think at least ).

My H too has thought he only had a problem right before he went to rehab the first time and then now for the past year. Now he wants to use his addiction for the answer to all of the bad things he has done, when he had no problem before I found out the extents he would go to to get his pills. It was just a few weeks ago that I found something I didn't like and asked him about it, and he still told me he didn't want to tell me because he thought I would be mad. So we still have the truth vs *think* conversation. I can't count the number of times we have had it. Ugh, it hurts my head thinking about it.

I share this stuff so you know you're not alone It has helped me to know I'm not crazy when I feel like I am sometimes. This is all pretty normal stuff for you to be going thru. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I had this overwhelming feeling of wanting to be supermom and my son was my responsibility, but there is nothing wrong in asking for some help. You can always repay the kindness when they need it in return.

xena74

So sorry your going thru this, but as you can see you are not alone. When I met my husband over 16 years ago he was in recovery. I new of his past cocaine use and new the risks of him relapsing. But I was still blind sided when he did. I was angry,hurt and mad as heck.

He has relapsed many times over the years, and gone through many years being sober before something would trigger a relapse.

He does not go to meeting either, he says hearing the stories just makes him want to get high. For him, me being his "keeper' is the only thing that has worked in the past. He was allowed NO money except his daily gas/lunch allowance. Every night I slept with the atm card in my pillow so he wouldn't steal it. It was very hard on me and him,but it worked.

Three years ago he went on the medication Suboxone. It has been a miriacal for us. No cravings, no worrying about him. It completly gets rid of his cravings. It's not for everyone. It's expensive, and has some side effects, but it does work.

Good luck to the both of you. I would suggest you do alot of research on addiction to understand about it. It helped me get over my anger. I'm not a big meetings person myself.

lostandscared

Can you tell me how to get to PM? I can't find it anywhere on the site. Thanks for the info. It helps to know I'm not alone. All my friends and family (limited at best) - have told me to run for the hills and don't look back. Especially since H is not sure he even wants to stay married... but I'm just not ready to give up yet.

lostandscared

Xena - I have tried the complete control thing - even before I really had proof he was using. I controlled all the money, had to know where he was, what he was doing, who he was hanging out with... It is not my personality and made me very unhappy and I obviously had very little control (in retrospect). He lied to me about his daily activities so I wouldn't get mad and did "side jobs" or actually ran drugs to get the $$ so that I wouldn't know about it.

I will start to do more research on addiction though, you're right, I need to understand more in able to deal with this.

xena74

I was ready to give up too. I thought somehow it was my fault. That if he really loved me he would just stop. I would always say to him that he was weak. After researching though I came to realize it wasn't that easy. I can't control that I got Cancer anymore than he can control substance abuse.

Hang in there, with lots a work (emotional and maybe medication) addiction can be beaten. You can have a normal life again. Though you will never forget, you can forgive.