Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Well, I've somehow managed to get off the booze. I did it gradually over a short time period and it managed to work, Unfortunately like the last time I quit drinking I'm suffering a personality switch. However I believe I'm actually thinking much more clearly.
The missus has noticed these rapid changes and has tried to show support but has mentioned I've become more distant emotionally. I've also noticed this as even when nothing is wrong, I sometimes feel awkward being intimate with her. Don't know if that's making me a machine or something.
I really can't be bothered drinking anymore, and I haven't had any alcohol for around over a month or so. Has anyone else encountered this however?
Yup, I am going through this with my "roommate" husband.
He's literally not able to be intimate, no MB either (so he says) and there is no porn history on the phone or computer either so I kinda believe him.
He's going to counselling and AA.
He has told me that he is working on ways to deal with the anxiety and depression. No more alcohol to deal with it, and he feels BARE and naked. And scared. Now he has to deal with his emotions.
So he's working on ways to keep busy. That helps with the anxiety. Filling the time with other things to do.
The emotional part for him, is purely fear. Fear that without booze, he won't be any good. He won't be funny, or sexy, or relaxed.
People won't like the real him. Don't know if you relate to this. But if you do, it's kinda up to you to trust yourself to be "good enough" without drinking.
Personally, I think it's awesome you are doing this!!! Whoot hoot
The real you is coming out after all ! Go for it. Take a chance and be emotional.
My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and been sober for 4 yrs now. He has been in AA and seems to be doing well. I don't remember a a major personality switch with him except he was more cranky than usual for awhile. However, once off alcohol, he does have to learn to deal with his emotions, which can be quite overwhelming. He didn't have to do that before because alcohol suppressed things. He has to learn who he is without alcohol. I don't think he ever really knew who he was since he drank since he was 15 and is now 42. Its a process, a day to day process.
He is also on depression meds, because he has always struggled some with depression but the booze made it worse. He just recently started on the depression meds. I remember him telling me after he stopped drinking it was like he lost a friend. I told him, "well you kinda did." Alcohol became such a part of him, so when he stopped, it was almost like a sense of loss. I did the same thing once I quit smoking. Its almost like you go through part of a grieving process. Might sound silly, but its true.
Keep yourself busy. Find some good support, if not from AA then good friends and family who can support you. I do remember my husband telling me him staying busy was a good thing to do.
I have been sober since January 1st of this year, and find that I am more interested in sex than before but frustrated that my still actively drinking alcoholic husband seems to only be able/interested in the mornings.
I read an interesting article in the New York Times about a couple where one became sober and thought he lost his interest in sex. Turns out they just had to talk, start out slow, and they were able to get intimate again. Wish I could remember the name of that article.
I would imagine the booze protected you somehow from feeling and now you are vulnerable. So of course you would be emotionally distant as you learn to feel 'safe' again without the armour.
I hope you are seeking help for this and not just from your wife.
You aren't experiencing a personality change; you are going through the stage of discovering who you are WITHOUT booze.
Booze "disinhibits" us--so when you drank, you lost your more natural inclination to be a bit shy, perhaps. No surprise it is coming back now that the booze is gone. Now you have to get past your shyness for real--that is, learn to like who you are and assume she will like you too. Shyness is often a reaction to feeling insecure, so do some work in your self-esteem as a sober person.
You might have a stage where you are so embarrassed and humiliated that you were alcohol dependent, and that might leave you feeling bad about yourself. Learn to accept it as the kind of mistake a lot of people make (you are no better than most others, remember), thank your lucky stars that it didn't lead to any irrevocable damage (killing someone in a crash, for example), and let go.
there are a lot of good books on dealing with negative emotions and helping us forgive ourselves for our mistakes--you might want to look into these if after a couple of months you aren't making any progress. And give yourself time. good luck!
Yes I am feeling a lot more shy and reserved. I guess with regular alcohol I have a more "don't give a sh-t" attitude and didn't care what happened in terms of my behaviour. My confidence is a lot more balanced sober however, normally I'm rather ****y.
It was difficult enough in the past to become vulnerable WITH alcohol, now it seems I have to learn how to be vulnerable without it. Which is a greater challenge as I find myself thinking a lot more and much more calculative of every move I make (self-conscious I guess). It's ironic too because my wife always wanted me to quit drinking but now she can't handle the changes after being so used to me over the years lol - I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes through this, thanks for the support
Hopefully wifey will come to understand, she's getting rather worried
First off, congratulations on making it to where you are. You have a huge amount of strength. way more than me and 9 outta 10 addicts/alcoholics. Good job, I mean that sincerely. GOOD JOB!!!!!
I am an addict and have been for a long time (3years sober). Have you done any research on what has just happened to you. You did a lot of damage while using (nuerologically) and this will take time to heal. It may be difficult to apply logic to what your going through. dont know if your aware but there are medications that can help just be careful and research before letting a doc make your decissions
Thanks, at the moment the changes are rather rapid and I seem to be more increasingly switched on day by day though I can feel the workaholic side of me taking over a bit. I haven't been spending much time with my daughter either but I'm prioritising it at the moment in my schedule over work. It seems like it was a bad time to decide to quit drinking however - the missus is still healing and now she has to deal with THIS too now heh
Well at the moment she's not so happy that my mind is once again anywhere but home, especially at this period of our marriage. But she's strong, and is doing her best to be supportive.
Reminds me of the dumb times I choose to do hard things, but then I look back and see it was maybe smart... getting through easy times is easy, that's why it's called easy. But if you can kick a habit when things are tough well that's a real accomplishment, isn't it!!
I tend to bury myself in work too. Just makes it easier to fall asleep at night.... brain is tired LOL but a heap of exercise works better for me. Then my legs are tired too.
The missus has her own exercise routine and new hobby (JJJ) which we have some fun with. I don't have my own routine however, as the missus herself is my gym. Which I have not been 'attending' lately due to my mind not being focused.
I'll see what I can do before this weekend, and if I can organise everything at work for this weekend then knock myself off for a day or two during the weekdays it would be good.
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Alcohol withdrawal + Emotional distance 
