Help with my husband's porn addiction
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » Help with my husband's porn addiction

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 07-17-2012, 04:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Help with my husband's porn addiction

In the last 3 1/2 months tons of things have come to light that I never knew. Some of the things I knew were happening, but not to the extent that they were.

I thought occasional beer at work ( he worked away from home for 8 days) truth was 12+ a night...

I thought occasional porn viewing while at work, truth was masturbating to porn 1-2 times a day...

I'm guessing both, I know the drinking did, led to a ONS as far as we know. He woke up with someone else. Anyway... with everything else going on, and my regular life stuff, and the uncovering of new information with all of this stuff I'm just so overwhelmed. I'm trying to be supportive but it's hard to say hey good job on not doing all of the things I never knew you were doing anyway because you hid them from me... It feels like everyday life to me, and he feels like he's making moving mountains, and I'm just so worn down and overloaded, especially with the porn. He says it's the worse, worse than the drinking.

He already relapsed once after telling me he wouldn't, and I only found out through counseling. I just feel so overwhelmed, and now I'm starting to feel like I'm his new porn video.

He pulls out his bs "we're just wired that way" and "if we didn't have sex as much as we have been I'd be looking at all kinds of other women" along with the whole ALL men look at porn, if not they're liars... I lived with a man for 5 years who I know didn't watch porn...

Help...
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Old 07-17-2012, 04:40 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Check out the links in my signature. I am so sorry you're dealing with this

Right now he's using addiction as an excuse. That's not acceptable. Addicts in recovery do not use their addictions as an excuse to misbehave. You need to take a firm stand on this - DO NOT enable him by accepting what he's telling you. Draw a line in the sand and make it CLEAR to him what the consequences will be if he crosses it, and then STICK TO YOUR GUNS if/when he does.

He needs at least one twelve step program, whether that be for the alcohol or the porn/sex. That would be one of my stipulations, at least for a year or two.

Is this counselor an addictions counselor? If not, he should get one that is.
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Old 07-17-2012, 07:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

It is actually a psychologist who deals in many areas including substance abuse, so I'm sure he deals with the porn as well.

I have very strict rules, when I found out about the relapse I went into crisis then set up an appointment at the lawyers so he knew I was serious. He's turned his computer over to me, he doesn't have a smart phone to look stuff up on either.

I will definately check out the links. I was on a site I think call no-porn or something... oh, your brain on porn, and printed off the information about "re-booting" as they call it and he wants to do it.

We had a talk just a bit ago and I told him I don't want to hear the excuses because I don't believe them anyway. He said he started looking at porn when he was about 6 or 7 because he'd find it around when he was out being unsupervised ( his lack of parenting from his parents is a whole different story! ), this is something that's been going on but he was too embarrassed to tell me, and all of the other guys at his work were doing the same thing so it's like it was accepted.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Those are positive things

Make sure you don't end up as his 'counselor' or 'sponsor'. SA and SAA use sponsors the same way AA does - he sounds like he would really benefit from one. They have online programs as well as telephone meetings - it doesn't have to be in person.

Check out books by Patrick Carnes too. He and his wife write about internet addiction and porn and sex addiction.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:37 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Also feel free to check out these links as well.

shelleylubben.com

thepinkcross.org
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:43 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

I know this sounds kind of dumb, but I basically stay out of it. I know I probably should be more supportive, but unless he mentions something about it, I don't really think about it because I never saw it so it's not always sitting in the forefront of my mind...

I'll check out those links as well Trey!
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Old 07-18-2012, 11:10 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Trey I don't know if I should puke or cry... my husband will be reading the stories on the pink cross site to see how these girls are really treated. I've also been telling him that anytime he thinks about porn type stuff I want him to think of it as his daughter's face there, because everyone of those girls is someone's daughter.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riven View Post
Trey I don't know if I should puke or cry... my husband will be reading the stories on the pink cross site to see how these girls are really treated. I've also been telling him that anytime he thinks about porn type stuff I want him to think of it as his daughter's face there, because everyone of those girls is someone's daughter.
Riven, its a real eye opener thats for sure.
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Old 07-19-2012, 01:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Maybe you should also post in coping with infidelity. Way more people look at that forum than this one.

I'm sorry for your troubles.
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Old 07-19-2012, 09:37 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Thanks, I've found that the people in infidelity can be a lot more aggressive... At this point in my life I don't need to be preached to about everything that I already know or told things that people don't really know ( like WHY my husband's done what he's done etc. )

Trey, I showed him the site but his reply was well I just usually watched you know like "home video" of people... I'm kind of at a point right now where I don't even know if this is worth working on anymore. He gawks at other women all of the time when he's with me and pulls his "wired that way" bull crap... I'm just sick of it. His choice is to either be with me or without me...
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Old 07-20-2012, 10:55 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

Sounds like it's time to call that lawyer again. He is in denial.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm planning on spending the next two weeks living here as if I was single basically, not as if we're married. Separate beds the whole works and if that can't wake him up, then I'm not going to keep living like this. I deserve better.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:18 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

If he is hiding one thing, he is hiding others. Don't trust him.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:25 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

You do deserve better. I would go to counceling and go from there. It won't change until he faces his problem. If nothing changes, nothing changes.
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Old 07-20-2012, 05:26 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Help with my husband's porn addiction

What is he hiding? This is why I didn't post in the infidelity section... he's TELLING me, he just denying that what he was watching is like the stuff on the pink cross site...

And we're going to counseling... I said so in the first post.

Right now there is no way for him to watch porn without me knowing. He has a new job at home every night, he gave me his laptop and he can't access it, and even if he did find a way ( he's not that motivated ) I have a tracker on it, the other computers are locked expect my office computer which has a tracker on it, he doesn't have a smart phone, and he never goes anywhere alone (his choice not mine). He has a work computer but he will not sacrifice his job for anything, and he works where there are almost always people around him.
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