Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
There must have been a clever man somewhere who once decided to blame everything on "porn addiction". The diagnosis is the go-to response to every other post: "Your husband is addicted to porn. Get counseling". I wonder if the first viewers of the more risque Stone-Age cave art in Spain were diagnosed with this as well.
costa200, some light trolling to cast an issue in a more critical light I just sampled 10-15 topics today and saw the "porn addiction" diagnosis used too readily. It's like the new ADD--a real condition, but misused in popular parlance.
costa200, some light trolling to cast an issue in a more critical light I just sampled 10-15 topics today and saw the "porn addiction" diagnosis used too readily. It's like the new ADD--a real condition, but misused in popular parlance.
Oh don't tell me, i agree with you, on both of those "conditions". But you still are going to get the stick treatment.
If the porn affects the marriage negatively, what do you call it? Even just a little bit of porn can affect a marriage. I am okay with porn personally and some spouses are not comfortable with any amount of porn. I don't think anyone here, or any of the regulars at least, label responsible porn viewers as addicts, as you are insinuating. Someone gets labeled a potential addict when their porn viewing is interferring with a healthy sex life with their spouse. If a spouse comes here for advice, and they explain that their H or W turned down their sexual advances but was later that night found parked in front of their computer viewing porn, it's a problem.
It may not be that the spouse has an addiction per say, but if they prefer porn over their spouse, there is a problem and since no one has the offending spouses side of the situation (I.e. they're no longer attracted to their spouse, or they're actually using porn as a cover to an online affair, or whatever), possible porn addiction can be mentioned.
Can you link to other threads which you think someone has been blindly diagnosed with porn addiction, without any red flags that it could very well be a problem?
There must have been a clever man somewhere who once decided to blame everything on "porn addiction". The diagnosis is the go-to response to every other post: "Your husband is addicted to porn. Get counseling". I wonder if the first viewers of the more risque Stone-Age cave art in Spain were diagnosed with this as well.
Interesting observation.
Before high speed internet , smartphones and DVD players on laptops, the term " porn addiction " was rarely used .
But the average man always had his magazine " stash "or a " blue movie "hidden somewhere. So it was " out of sight and out of mind" for mothers and wives.
Now that its online,it has become the " sacrificial ram" of anything dysfunctional in a relationship.
Interesting observation.
Before high speed internet , smartphones and DVD players on laptops, the term " porn addiction " was rarely used .
But the average man always had his magazine " stash "or a " blue movie "hidden somewhere. So it was " out of sight and out of mind" for mothers and wives.
Now that its online,it has become the " sacrificial ram" of anything dysfunctional in a relationship.
No, now that its online, there's more of an opportunity for interactive porn. You couldn't strike up a conversation with a magazine, but online if you're horny cause you just watched some porn flick, you can easily revert to chatting it up with "hot and horny, barely legal" participants. It's more dangerous online.
The future may hold access to even easier satisfaction. Like in that Futurama episode where people could buy blank robots and download the appearance and persona of any celebrity onto them; against which a 50s-style educational film was showed to warn that the human race would end if everyone dates robots
costa200, some light trolling to cast an issue in a more critical light I just sampled 10-15 topics today and saw the "porn addiction" diagnosis used too readily. It's like the new ADD--a real condition, but misused in popular parlance.
This....its a behaviorial issue and can be treated. Posted via Mobile Device
No, now that its online, there's more of an opportunity for interactive porn. You couldn't strike up a conversation with a magazine, but online if you're horny cause you just watched some porn flick, you can easily revert to chatting it up with "hot and horny, barely legal" participants. It's more dangerous online.
I agree with most of what you said. You have just stated facts. But to assume its more dangerous [ ? ] because its online is a too much for me.
I don't see much difference between online, interactive porn and online interactive gaming like Call Of Duty Black Ops etc. Both can have the same devastating effect on a marriage.
But the question remains, why is porn classified as a
" clear & present danger " , when online gaming is not even on the radar?
Like the OP said, I think its simply making porn the scapegoat.
I wonder to myself if this done to please the masses of women who may feel threatened because men who consume porn, no longer have grovel at their knees for sexual satisfaction...
Don't get me wrong,
If a man feels that porn can totally fulfill his psychosexual needs then so be it. So too, if a woman decides that she does not need a man to fulfil her as a woman , then so be it.
But when in a relationship,no one is supposed to use sex to create an unfair advantage.
This may be one of those same addict situations in that some people can look at porn responsibly and others take it too far. And perhaps what you are seeing in the threads are warnings that a spouses porn viewing could be a sign of a bigger problem and its advisable to seek counseling to determine if there is a bigger problem.
In my own situation, there were two big problems with sex and porn. First, I thought my H was a sex/porn addict because he was exhibiting some of the addict red flags. So we sought counseling (for other things too, but that was an issue as well). What the problem actually was... My H was missing me and missing other things, as a recovering addict. Our sex life was declining, and he turned to "attention" on the internet. As a crack addict, he likes raunchy sex, to put it mildly. He doesn't miss the drug per say, he misses the casual sex lifestyle that hard drugs allow him. What you see on Cops is not make believe.
As addicts, this paved the way to one of our most devastating times in our marriage. We had infants, my health was stable at best, I had to work, we both had to. He had a little bit of down time at work... He got a new smart phone and discovered the internet. Attention started, porn viewing started, craving the real raunchy sex that only the internet could provide him.. cause gawd knows I can't compete. So then he discovered craigslist personals, the casual sex section. Our marriage was over. He was watching raunchy sex online and his wife was recovering from childbirth and finding time to communicate was far and few between working full time with twin infants.
We are in the process of reconciling now. In our 2nd year. He does not view porn except with me, or the occasional masturbation session.. which is fine by me. But he doesn't do it online anymore... He doesn't trust himself. We have magazines, and a few DVDs. It's too destructive for him online. That's his choice of course, I can't stop him and at times I know he struggles to not do it... But we've got so much to keep him busy now that his mind barely slows down! Did I mention he's ADHD too? Untreated? That's a challenge with addicts, as many of them are.
ETA.. could this have been avoided with just magazines and DVDs? I think so, but only if we learned to communicate at some point and that point may have come earlier if he hadn't had some virtual land (the internet) to disappear into. It was pretty convenient to have a little chat online during your lunchbreak or view a little "live" one on one action, building that desire for a real life experience. He works in construction, so he seldom has the opportunity to interact in real life with women.
Well we are all on the same page,with the OP.
Sometimes the problem is deeper that the porn usage. You were able to spot the problem and deal with it in a mature, logical way.
The average wife/ mother usually freaks out. Suddenly the loving husband / son becomes a pervert because they discovered he actually looks at porn and masturbates.
Never mind that they also masturbate ,their stimuli is just different.
Well we are all on the same page,with the OP.
Sometimes the problem is deeper that the porn usage. You were able to spot the problem and deal with it in a mature, logical way.
The average wife/ mother usually freaks out. Suddenly the loving husband / son becomes a pervert because they discovered he actually looks at porn and masturbates.
Never mind that they also masturbate ,their stimuli is just different.
I still haven't seen a link to a thread the OP is referring to where anyone jumps to the conclusion that someones spouse is a porn addict simply because he views porn though. I think the typical response is that if its creating a problem in the marriage, its worth ruling out. But there are those spouses that think viewing any porn is bad for whatever reason, especially online. Which would be a challenge if the offending spouse is a casual viewer and can turn off the monitor after viewing a little porn. Which poses the question, who is correct? And can there be a compromise.. its obviously creating a conflict, so what's the correct way to resolve it?
ETA.. I'm a recovering alcoholic.. my H doesn't drink like me, he can have a few beers occasionally. If beer is in the house, ill drink it. So out of respect for my recovery from alcohol, he hasn't had a drop to drink for as long as Ive been sober. If its gonna create conflict, or possibly contribute to a relapse for me.. its best to avoid it altogether my H believes.
Well Chery,
We are both saying the same thing! And I'm glad you added that last paragraph regarding your experience with Alcohol.
My experience with porn is this.
From my teenage years I used magazines as stimulus during masturbation. It was difficult for me to climax if I didn't have that visual. Then I stared having real sex with women around 17. My dependence on porn from thence was like a roller coaster ride. If I was having sex regularly,I realized I didn't really need it. But all of my relationships were basically short term.
I got married and the porn use went to zero . But problems started in my marriage and I went back to the porn.
I figured out in my mind that my porn use was a mental crutch I used to escape dealing with problems in real life, [ I never had a problem with Alcohol or Drugs] just like any average addict.
I learned to deal with my problems differently and the porn use diminished again.
Now I very rarely view it, and it does not take the place of intimacy between my wife and I. But there were some things she needed to understand.
I don't think porn is a convenient scapegoat, I think it is an epidemic, and there is certainly nothing convenient about it as an excuse to failing marriages - what man would ever admit he has that weakness (well until he gets caught and his problem exposed). Men by and large aren't using the internet to "chat up" porn stars, its just that there is so much to look at for free. Before the internet you had to divert money to obtain it, now you just click a mouse. I also don't think there is anything wrong with porn, but I do believe that in most instances it can be detrimental to a man's real life sex life. Most men think they can compartmentalize it, maybe some can do it better than others, but I think there is always some sort of leakage between our mental containers. I also think just plain internet addiction is just as detrimental.
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Porn Addiction: A Convenient Scapegoat? 
I just sampled 10-15 topics today and saw the "porn addiction" diagnosis used too readily. It's like the new ADD--a real condition, but misused in popular parlance.
