Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
I'm separating from my husband, who is an alcoholic (supposedly 11 months sober, but I have doubts) and a compulsive liar. We have a 3 y/o daughter, and she is an absolute daddy's girl. I'm wracking my brain to try to figure out a fair, safe visitation plan, but I'd love to hear what some of you who have been there, done that would recommend.
Supervised visitation seems wise, but at this point we're not divorced. That's probably the next step. I've also considered having him come to the house for visitation; I could leave and he could spend some time with them (I also have an 11 y/o from a previous relationship), after I visibly assure myself that he's sober.
Any thoughts? Thanks so much.
I court ordered supervised visitations for years! Upon the supervised visits, my ex had to complete drug/alcohol, anger management, and parenting classes.
It didn't do much good, but her time with him was very limited through all these years. One night every other weekend. It still backfired on me.
Good luck! It's a very tough road to follow and stick to your guns!
alcoholics can hide their drinking to an extent and you never know when they will fall off the wagon, supervised visitation may be the way to go at fist
I court ordered supervised visitations for years! Upon the supervised visits, my ex had to complete drug/alcohol, anger management, and parenting classes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Almostrecovered
alcoholics can hide their drinking to an extent and you never know when they will fall off the wagon, supervised visitation may be the way to go at fist
This. My mom didn't do these things with my alcoholic father. She got a call from a hospital one night during my visit weekend with him. He got falling-down drunk, and then he ran us head-on into a concrete barrier. I was in the hospital for a week, and then had to wear a cast for another month.
Fairy - I'd fight like hell on this issue if it were my kids.
I'm separating from my husband, who is an alcoholic (supposedly 11 months sober, but I have doubts) and a compulsive liar. We have a 3 y/o daughter, and she is an absolute daddy's girl. I'm wracking my brain to try to figure out a fair, safe visitation plan, but I'd love to hear what some of you who have been there, done that would recommend.
Supervised visitation seems wise, but at this point we're not divorced. That's probably the next step. I've also considered having him come to the house for visitation; I could leave and he could spend some time with them (I also have an 11 y/o from a previous relationship), after I visibly assure myself that he's sober.
Any thoughts? Thanks so much.
If I'm not mistaken, your choices are limited if you're not going through the courts for anything. Has he been through any rehabs, does he have an active criminal or traffic history related to his drinking, will he agree with whatever parenting plan you try to implement without a court order?
I'm not disputing whether your H is an alchy... But having supervised visits is serious and there has to be some evidence that he could be a danger to his kids unsupervised. In my own case, I had attacked my H and had a restraining order against me.. so the criminal system was involved... Yes, there was grounds for supervision.. but on the flip side, my H has beaten the he!! out of me after some Jack and coke a few times.. But because I didn't call the cops and he wouldn't admit to it... He was the more fit parent at that time and he wasn't about to admit anything.
Thanks so much for the responses.
Costa- He's mostly a really good, dedicated father. However, when he was drinking (and hiding it and lying about it, and I didn't really understand what was going on yet since I'd had no experience w/ alcoholism), he drove drunk ALL THE TIME. I can't recall now specifically when/if the kids were with him in the car, but it must have happened.
Almost- I don't have an attorney yet, but that's definitely the next step. H is supposed to move out by the end of July, and I wanted to wait until he was out of my house to research attorneys, make all the calls, etc.
Thunder and I'm in Love- Yikes. These are the things I have to bear in mind when facing sober him and telling him that I'm putting my foot down.
Cherry-Good point about separation vs. divorce. He has been through rehab, he has a Public Intox citation along w/ numerous other traffic tickets, which have gone unpaid to the point that there are now warrants for his arrest. He seems to be amenable to whatever visitation plan I devise during separation; so far I've mentioned that he needs to get a new sponsor (supposedly his previous one moved? but he's a liar so who knows) and go to several AA meetings a week, with some sort of documentation, in addition to biweekly visits to his counselor.
Since the end of July is just a few days away, I doubt you'd be able to get anything in place by then anyway. But you can request supervised visitation in the temporary order. You can also tell him flat out that you or someone else will be supervising the visits until ordered otherwise by the court. If you have a supervised visitation center in your area, you could probably go to them and request supervision services. If there's no order, they'll probably just ask for compliance/agreement to it from both parties and conduct the visitations that way until an order is in place.
I forgot to mention that he's also addicted (or at least has been in the past) to Tylenol P.M., to the point where he'll take 8-12 a night. I intercepted an attempted relapse to PM last week after I'd told him that I wanted him to move out. I worry that he could be comatose on PM while in charge of our daughter overnight and that there could be an emergency he's unable to respond to. I have much less proof about the PM than I do alcohol, though, for court purposes.
Cherry- I think he would agree to a breathalyzer on his car. Right now, his car's in my name too, and I can't afford it anymore (he is, yet again, without a job rt now), so we're in a car transition- he's trying to get a cheap one. Once I know what he's going to be driving, I'm def going to look into that- thanks for the suggestion.
CO- I hadn't heard of supervised visitation centers. I'm gonna go research that right now to see if we have any nearby. If that doesn't happen, I don't think he'd argue w/ me supervising visits, and I know he wouldn't argue w/ visiting w/ them in my house w/ or w/o me there.
I know- it's really sad. When he went to rehab just under a year ago, they told him that. His binge drinking went on for about 3 years, and the Tylenol for much longer. After rehab, he was fired up to stay sober b/c he seemed to understand that his life was at stake. But since he just bought more Tylenol PM days ago.... sad.
CO- I hadn't heard of supervised visitation centers. I'm gonna go research that right now to see if we have any nearby. If that doesn't happen, I don't think he'd argue w/ me supervising visits, and I know he wouldn't argue w/ visiting w/ them in my house w/ or w/o me there.
Yep, I used to run one a hundred years ago in a different life. Check with either domestic violence agencies (who have a lot of experience with people who don't want to leave their kids alone with their ex) or your local Department of Children/Family Services. They use supervision with non-custodial parents quite often.
Unfortunately the only real chance of getting some limitations on his rights to have his child with him is to prove to the court that he's a danger to her.
Waiting to get an attorney until after he moves out is not wise. You could have been working a plan with your attorney to get the evidence you will need to convince the court that there is a problem. Your best bet is to get an attorney ASAP and find out what is needed.
One thing you ought to do is that every time you know he is driving under the influence of a drug or alcohol, call the police and report it. Hopefully they would pick him up. This would establish a record of DWI/DUI.
Right now it sounds like you do not have much of a case built up.
Child Visitation with an alcoholic? 
