ashamed

Well first off I am not here looking for pity. I guess u can say I am a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope. I have been married for almost 8yr (2 children) and the first 5yr had their share of ups and downs. While deployed in 2005-2006 I got heavy into porn and looking back realized it severely distorted my perception of how a sexual relationship should work. Anyway our sex life was not going good, i really did not know what to do and my wife questioned spicing it up. Well obviously I took in a different meaning which eventually lead to us swinging which lead to her having an affair trying to find someone to love her and not use her. Even though we are both adults I am taking full responsibility for what happened. Well my wife obviously has lost all respect for me and our marriage. I am now out of the house and desperately trying to find a shred of hope in saving what we had. I love her and know that I got caught up in a distorted fantasy. She says she likes me as a person and a father but doesn't know how to respect or trust me again. She wants to leave but the only thing holding her back is our 2 young children. It has been 2yr since we did anything and 1yr since her affair. She does not want to go to counseling because of feeling ashamed herself. Just do not know what to do. I have gone to counseling for the porn and have pretty much erased it from my life. I have really been trying to show her that was not me. But she remains firm in her belief that if I truly love her I never would have done that in the first place. I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish in trying to make things right ? Does she really want me to just walk out without trying ?

MarkTwain

So she wants you to borrow a time machine and make it all better? She is being unreasonable.

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MT
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Blanca

I dont think you are being selfish at all. One thing my H always said to me was that he wanted me to be happy, and if staying with him was not going to make me happy, then i should leave. I think that was, ironically, one thing that made me want to stay.

I also dont think the porn issue is why she's leaving. I think she's really embarrassed about what she did and she feels overwhelmed. she's probably just really confused and doesnt know how to process it all, so she needs to get away.

I would let her go. Just let her know you are sorry, that you are willing to keep working on it if she wants to, but that ultimately you want her to do what's best for her.

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GAsoccerman

I also think being part of the military adds allot of stress, I would never been in the military and be married, to much seperation and stress, often divides families.

swinging was definately not for you guys, it opened up that wedge the military life created and caused a massive drama.

You see the swinging allowed her to get an emotional connection to another man "without looking or Cheating"

I am sorry ashamed, I hope you can move on and make sure you are more attentive in the next relationship.

It's not the physical part that doomed you, it was the emotional part.