Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
We've been married for 15 years, most of it good. It started getting boring about 7 years ago. About 2 years ago she started drink heavily (wine) at home. Never really went out, just at home. She wasn't abusive or any thing, she would just pass out.
Long story short, she recently (about a week or 2 ago) got out of rehab, but stayed down in Florida for about a week. She is very strong in her program, going to meetings everyday, both up here and down there.
When she got home, I planned a getaway for the weekend which we did and we had the best time, we even made love which was so nice. Haven't felt that close in a long time.
This is where my fear comes in, I know part of the program is going to meetings, calling people, giving back and all that, but I think she may have met someone in rehab. She talks about a lot of people, both men and women. I try to give her her space, but while we were away she was talking with this guy jack, it all seemed like recovery talk, but at the end of the conversation, it seemed like he was saying a lot, and she was saying OK, OK, me to, OK....
I know I should have have, but I did look at here email, and she sent him pics of herself looking very nice in some dresses we bought over the weekend. He responded, nice hair, nice dress, do I get the whole package next month (she is planning on going down to visit her cousin) some of the emails end with love you much and stuff. It is his emails that get deleted.
I told her about my general fear of her meeting someone, because they connect at a level that a non alcoholic ever could. She told me to stop it and that I'm being ridiculous
Not at all.
Your wife is having an inappropriate relationship with another man.
From what you say it sounds as if it's already gone beyond the initial stages.
You have to draw a boundary and tell her her relationship with this man is outside your Comfort zone and to end it. Posted via Mobile Device
Not at all.
Your wife is having an inappropriate relationship with another man.
From what you say it sounds as if it's already gone beyond the initial stages.
You have to draw a boundary and tell her her relationship with this man is outside your Comfort zone and to end it. Posted via Mobile Device
I agree....you have to talk and establish boundries.....
Do you really think so? I,m still not 100% sure, maybe like 60%. If I didn't hear her conversation and check her emails i never would have know
She is working her program hard going to meetings everyday, so I do try to give her a lot of time. In meetings they all tell each other they love each other.
I really don't want to confornt her now with out more than half a conversation and a few emails that end with I love you.
She's still making long range plans for us, show me affection when she is not busy.
I'm not sure the "love you much" is the thing to worry about the most. I tell all my friends I love you or something similar at the end of my emails. (including my 1 male friend) His emails and/or texts do not get deleted, my H has access to everything. But he also does not have more than 2 pictures of me (1 with me because he was an usher at my wedding and 1 because he wanted to show it to a mutual friend who was the other usher at my wedding and hasn't seen me in 14 years).
The "do I get the whole package next month" is a huge red flag. I have set a very strict boundary with my friend and if he was to cross it, he knows he'd be out of my life and straight on his a$$. If your wife has a problem setting the boundaries, then you will have to help her set them.
The "do I get the whole package next month" is a huge red flag.
As for the telling people you love them in meetings, it's not really like that. I too tell my friends I love them, but not male friends!! DH would have my head on a stick
No way i'm deleting texts or emails. If a man texts/emails me (work related I have no male friends due to respect for DH) I do not delete them or the ones I send to them. Why would I unless I have something to hide? Makes no sense.
Living with a addict is a hard road. One I have been down a long time. They learn to hide the addiction and that could** translate into hiding other things too.
Set boundries and do not let her cross them. If she wants to come to Florida and visit the cousin, then great, she can go when you have time to go with her. She is to new to sobrity to go alone. Her sponcer would agree i'm sure. Traveling without support this fresh out of rehab is a bad idea. Has she told her sponcer what she is doing?
You need to end immediately this online exchange with this guy because it WILL move quickly into very bad territory if it hasn't already. The mails you've seen already are not acceptable - she should not be sending him pics or any i love you's.
that's already way out of bounds and a huge red flag.
Look, a lot of people in rehabs are not good at impulse control , and many are real players. This guy is clearly seeking a full on physical relationship with her, and he will want to hook up when she is down there.
Do not let her go alone.
mean while find out if the guy has a wife/gf.
Since she stayed an extra week, they may have already hooked up.
JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.
I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.
Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.
I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.
That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest.
I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body
I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.
I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.
I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)
JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.
I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.
Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.
I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.
That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest.
I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body
I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.
I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.
I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)
I read alot of good things in this POST -- and also some things that may not be so good.
The best thing I read is that you are willing to set her free -- if that is what it takes to remain sober.
She seems like she is finding herself since she is sober -- and her life going forward may not include you.
If you are okay with that -- I iwsh you the best and hope this all turns out positive for you and her.
JH52/Shaggy – I really can’t go with her because of work. She also way before this talked about needing time alone away from the stresses. Now she is just following up on it.
I look at it this now, if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it’s you’re forever. I need to trust her.
Update – yesterday was a very stressful day and I was obsession on it all day to the point I had a knot in my stomach and couldn’t focus on anything.
I went out to mow the lawn, which did calm me a bit, but not to much. When I finished I came in the house and my wife was cooking dinner and listening to music (she’s really into music since her recovery). I sat there for awhile talking with her about small stuff. She said, come dance with and we slow danced. When she put her arms around me all my fears went away, it felt so right and perfect. She even said to hold her tighter and closer. For the one song, all the world was right.
That night, we went to bed around 11:00 and made love again (in the past it was only once or twice a month and very perfunctory, it was having sex, not making love). During it I told her told her I lover her and she said “You’ve never said that before (well in a long time), but I felt it and felt so close to her. We went to sleep but woke up for some reason around 2:00 am, we had a long talk and I told her my fears. It was probably the deepest conversation we had in years and it felt so good to have it and get it off my chest.
I told her I didn’t understand why she was going back the Florida so soon and if there was any one that she was going to see that she had/has romantic feelings towards. She said no, that she just made a lot of close relationships down there and she she wants to feel the support she had from her fellow rehab/AA meetings. And she also said no, I have no romantic feels towards anyone down there. Than, I said, OK, I believe you and trust you. You are the most honest person I know (that is true she never lies and always speaks her feelings. This went on for a little while with me asking the same question in different ways to cover all angles. And her answer was always the same and I truly believe her . It was at that point I felt all the stress release from my body
I know she loves me, I also know she is 100% committed to her recovery. She said for so long she tried to do everything for everyone else and now she needs to focus on herself. We went on talking and crying (welling up), but she did say that she is rediscovering the “new me” different from before, and she wants to let the “new me” grow and it is about her and what she wants. She says she needs this for her recovery. But she also said she doesn’t know where it will take her. She is lving day by day and can’t look into the future. And she will put her recovery above everything else (I read between the lines and took this to mean, including our marriage). She said we are togther today, we love each other, lets just take it from there, one day at a time. She also said that she doesn’t have a lot to give right now as her recovery is taking a lot of her time and she doesn’t have a big reservoir to pull from. The funny part is I feel I’m getting much more time with her and we’re connecting at a much deeper and intimate level.
I’m fine with all this and I know that this is what she needs to stay sober… In the end I would rather have her stay sober and leave me than drink and stay with me.
I know this post was long, thanks for listening, but right now I’m at peace with our relationship and letting my fear go. Who knows, she could be lying, but that is out of my control. I will keep an eye open, but I’m going to live in the moment, enjoy the happiness I feel and take it day by day. It almost feels like I’m falling in love with her again (you know the new loving feeling and you can’t stop thinking about them)
You my friend are being a fool.
She offers nothing and manipulates you with sex and "happy time" and you bite right into that apple.
Tocoma, All I can do is hope you're wrong. I really don't know what else to do. I will keep my eyes open, but I need more proof before i can directly confront her.
Tocoma, All I can do is hope you're wrong. I really don't know what else to do. I will keep my eyes open, but I need more proof before i can directly confront her.
I hope I`m wrong too but you can do more than that.
Quote:
I know I should have have, but I did look at here email, and she sent him pics of herself looking very nice in some dresses we bought over the weekend. He responded, nice hair, nice dress, do I get the whole package next month (she is planning on going down to visit her cousin) some of the emails end with love you much and stuff. It is his emails that get deleted.
You`re just going to let her go out of town so she can "Give him the whole package"?
She`s hiding her correspondence with this guy, love you`s back and forth....WTF?
No way man...draw a boundary and draw it now.
She doesn`t go and cuts off all communication with "Jack"..really that simple.
Edit:
Keep an eye on her purchases/cards I`m betting she`ll have some nice new undies or negligee soon for her visit to her "cousins".
Listen, she may not have gotten herself into this on purpose but emotions are very strong when an infatuation happens. You do have to set some boundaries and be strong enough to follow through with them or she'll fall further into this.
It may be too late already. Very sorry about this situation because she may be a good woman who is vulnerable. That does not change the fact that you have to stop it any way possible. Tough love or whatever it takes but you have to stop it.
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new here - fear wife is cheating 
