Alcohalic & Script Abuser = Loss of Self Control?

mrs.lostherself · 05-03-2009, 08:47 PM

Maybe I just need a place to vent where someone else will reply "I understand". As it stands I have sought out advice from my parents who have replied with "It will get better just hang in there", my only sibling could care less if my husband exists so his feedback is always "Just leave him already", and I have no friends. I'm serious .... NO friends.

My husband I have been together and lived together for ten years. We have been married for four years. The first two years of our relationship we lived and breathed partying, drinking, drugs, ect. I became pregnant at 18 and "grew up" in a quick hurry. My husband however didn't and that resulted in two DWI's, domestic violence charges, cheating on me, and ALMOST cheating on me again. Add to that all the lies and you have yourself one heck of a happy couple.

I stuck it out. Went through years of verbal, financial, and economiac abuse. I have not been allowed to work or attend schooling since I was 19 years old - I'm 26 now. I do not want to hear from anyone "It's your life do what you want" - it's easier said than done. We ended up with three children, our daughter was the last and she was born in '07. When she was three months old I finally found the nerve to kick him out. The impact of his drinking and drug abuse had played it's toll on me but my children. My husband went through a complete lunatic phase while we were seperated for 7 months. I swear he was drunk every day of that 7 months, never saw his children, even quit his job when the court ordered him to pay CS. Amazing!

He sobered up, started going to AA, counseling, and had a sponsor. I agreed to try again with him believing he was really trying. I was so hopeful. In July of '08 I let him come home. By September he was right back at it again. In October of '08 he lost himself one evening smashed my cell phone into pieces while I was talking to my mom (I still don't know why b/c I was talking about my cat so it's not like I was talking about him) and started going crazy, throwing things around and screaming all while out three children were right there. I tried to call the cops (something I have NEVER done) and he smashed the home phone to pieces. I ran to the neighbors who called the police. The police showed up confirmed he was drunk ect and they didn't want him driving so they asked me to leave which I didn't have a problem with. WHile the female officer went inside to help me get the kids clothed and ready my husband who was standing next to the male officer tried to attack me while I was holding our daughter. It was a blur but my husband managed to stab himself with a steak knife, stab an officer, and attack the other. It happened SO FAST. Immediatly I ran out the door with all three children. Outcome was he was arrested, spent time in jail, had an OP with no contact for me and our children, went to the Psych ward, than to an inpatient rehab.

He was in rehab for four months - the judge allowed him to contact me in re: to the kids. I agreed to see him. Lo and Behold - I agreed to let him home again.

He was sober and clean for two whole months. Now ....

He's not drinking everyday but he's back to being abusive, binge drinking and abusing medications again. Yesterday he was drunk and high - I caught him with the beer and he still denied it. I saw it for myself!

Today he "went fishing" and came home drunk & high, got in my face when I asked if he'd been drinking, broke my home phone when I went to call my mom, took my car keys - FINALLY I was able to lock my three kids in the car while I got my spare key and left.

When I came home he was passed out upstairs.

But it's not just the above -

It's other things like I volunteer at the local fire department and when I went to training one evening which was four hours - I left and my husband was on the computer, kids were watching TV, ect. I came home and my three kids were running wildly and unsupervised around the house. The house was demolished and my husband was passed out upstairs after taking his sleeping pills and other medications he has. I was gone for four hours! My kids could have been seriously hurt not to mention my two year old knows how to open the front door.

I am at a complete loss. I love this man but not enought to endure this type of pain any longer. It is clearly affecting my children.

There is still a no harrasment OP active on him and he's due to be sentenced for his above crime on 5/21. He's on probation now and from what the DA said he'll get probation for his crimes above because they bargined/dropped half the charges.

I am angry. I feel like a prisoner. I was actually afraid to come home tonight but had no where else to go. I left my kdis in the car while I snuck inside to make sure everything was ok before I brought them in. This is a terriable way to live.

I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. He apologizes daily for drinking and says he wont do it again but than - does it again. I dump his meds down the toliet with his permission but than he just goes and gets another script.

What the heck do I do?

*I just wanted to add that my husband has two VERY different personailties. The sober husband and the intoxicated husband.* I love the sober guy but hate the intoxicated one.

Blanca · 05-03-2009, 09:18 PM

I feel for you. Your situation sounds so much like my sisters. Her husband is an alcoholic/abuser, too. well, her exe husband i guess. he left her for some 18 year old.

She goes to alanon sometimes and she said it really helped her. Have you ever tried it? She doesnt go as much anymore and she's kind of sinking back into the funk with him. She thinks his drinking is about her, which i dont understand.

I used to tell her she was nuts for staying with him. but i think she knows that now, since everyone tells her that. She doesnt even understand why she wants him back. I personally think it has everything to do with her childhood. So I guess my only thought for you woudl be to look in your past, in your childhoood and find out what is still broken. because whatever it is your are using your husband to try and heal it. but that wont work. just my opinion of course.

MsStacy · 05-04-2009, 03:20 PM

I understand how you can love the sober husband and hate the intoxicated husband. My father is an alcoholic and it is a terrible way to grow up. Please, for the sake of your children, don't live like this another day. Your husband is teaching your children how to behave, how to be a man, a father, a husband. He is teaching them to be violent, untrustworthy, disrespectful and unloving. What kind of adults do you want your children to become? This isn't about you anymore or how you feel about your husband. This is totally about your children's safety and their future. Get some help immediately.

Maria · 05-04-2009, 04:05 PM

Hi I have been sober and in recovery now for 13 years but it was hell for the man who lived with me when I was drinking....I kept saying I would stop (and I meant it but just couldn't). Eventually he had enough and so covering up for me etc and I eventually found recovery (but because I had had enough). We did not stay together but I am eternally grateful to him for that day he stopped enabling me rather than covering up and making excuses for me. I have friends wives and husbands who are in Al-anon and have found it so helpful. I would really encourage you just to go along to Al-anon at least to see if it is for you...as there you will find people who are the same as you and who do understand but more importantly who have found a way out. Best of luck to you as you deserve better than you as does anyone who has put up with alcholism.

Amplexor · 05-04-2009, 04:13 PM

I think you need to heed your brother’s advice and get him out of the house and out of your life. He will not change…..ever! He continues to fail because you keep forgiving him. He is a danger to you and your children. He is self destructive and will take you all down with him. While it might be tough, end the relationship now and move on. You need to have confidence in yourself and see that this is a train wreck waiting to happen. End it now.