Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
today marks 51 weeks of sobriety for me. to those that feared that i was teetering on the edge of a relapse, never fear. i am as strong as i ever was. but i have an addiction i am struggling with that i'd like some help with.
it's pornography. it's harder to admit than i thought it would be. i have pledged to not have relations with another woman, as i am trying very hard to piece back together a marriage that i had a hand in destroying. it was my alcohol use, along with my jealousy, control, etc (google fear of abandonment to find me) that pushed my beautiful wife away.
so, i've used pornography as a replacement. it's an excuse, i know. i've prayed about it, and prayer has worked. but it's so easy to access that i find myself looking at websites i know i shouldn't.
i have promised myself and my lord that i was going to become the best me i could to honor my wife. this is the last leg, i think. the pornography cannot be in my life if i am to ever be back together with beth again. she has voiced her displeasure even though we have partaken in viewing porn together in the past.
fyi-quitting alcohol was easy, drugs were easy. pornography has been, uh, difficult. if you've kicked it or know anyone who has, i'd sure like some input.
i'm trying!
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Could you use some mind tricks? I don't know, this may be a comletely lame idea, but could you imagine Beth or your daughter doing photos like that for men to do their thing to? Another idea is to imagine how it would feel if Beth admitted to an affair right now? It's how I felt when my husband was knee-deep in it. I'm not judging you, V. I know it's gotta be tough. I'm so very, very, very proud of you for your sobriety. My H kicked his drug habit about 16 months ago. I'm so thankful.
You know, you gotta think of it for what it is, a snare to come between the two of you. Do you have any racy pics of Beth? Could you use those instead?
It's strange that men and women are actually more alike than we realize. A lot of women are intrigued by the "bad boy" thing but would never want to settle down with someone like that just as a lot of men like to look at porn but would never want to be married to those women.
Think of it as a fantasy that will get you nowhere and could be detrimental in what you've worked for so far. You've kicked it all. You can do this too.
By the way, my H quit because he thought I'd leave if he didn't. He said it wasn't worth it.
__________________
--M22
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud..... it always perseveres.
m22--
crazy thing is, beth akins porn viewing to adultery. if the shoe were on the other foot, i'd say i'd be offended too. at least the old me would have been.
i, too (like your H) would quit if i knew i would damage my chances at reconciliation. hmmm....
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
Grats on your sobriety V, I am very proud of you, and you should be very proud of yourself!!
As far as the porn goes..well, my honest opinion is this. You have tried so hard to get things straight with Beth, you know her opinion of porn, what would she do if she found out about it? I can guess what she would do...and it wouldnt have so much to do with the porn itself, but the addiction issue...she would see an old pattern starting to emerge. That would not be good for you or your future with Beth.
I don't know how you can fix this, the only suggestion I can come up with is to put filters on your computer so you can not even access the sites. Don't let the temptation of it hook you.
You know you have an addictive personality...find a hobby...throw yourself into that...just dont let it be a race car...lol! I know it's easy for me to say...but, you have kicked habits before that lasted much longer than this. You can kick this too! The first step is to admitting you have a problem...you did that, and that is probably the hardest part. I have faith in you that you will make the right decision here, and do what you know is best.
Ummm..... well?!? That wasn't too hard to answer, right?
you are 100% right...crap. what an idiot i still am today! changed, but still the same?
Congrats on 51 weeks - that is an awesome accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself!
thanks...no temptations either. beth and i went to lunch today. i saw a long haired guy across the restaurant with his lunch, his girlfriend and a few coors bottles. i thought, "wow, what a fool i was."
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
The addiction thing is tough, I know. Only I know you're not into my favorite solution (12 step programs). Only other thing I can think of is trying to get addicted to some healthier activities. My whole life practically, I've been addicted to fishing, and that has been a healthy way to pass time. There's some alternative treatments around these days for addiction; I just don't know how effective any of them are.
The addiction thing is tough, I know. Only I know you're not into my favorite solution (12 step programs). Only other thing I can think of is trying to get addicted to some healthier activities. My whole life practically, I've been addicted to fishing, and that has been a healthy way to pass time. There's some alternative treatments around these days for addiction; I just don't know how effective any of them are.
chris--
it's not that i'm not "into" it, but many of the things 12 step does are, for me, counterproductive.
for example, i can't sit in a meeting where i hear the same 3 people week after week bemoan their lack of strength because they relapsed AGAIN. it's heroine honey. that crap makes you puke and it makes you UGLY! plus you're sticking a freaking disease laden needle in your arm! depressing. i need a more uplifting atmosphere if i'm gonna win the battle.
for everyone that 12 step has TRULY HELPED, God bless them. but science has proven the recidivism rate is not pretty for 12 step.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.
In the movie "Fire Proof" he smashes his computer. Or....my H has a site blocker that he doesnt know the password too. It doesnt fix everything, but it helps.
for example, i can't sit in a meeting where i hear the same 3 people week after week bemoan their lack of strength because they relapsed AGAIN. it's heroine honey. that crap makes you puke and it makes you UGLY! plus you're sticking a freaking disease laden needle in your arm! depressing. i need a more uplifting atmosphere if i'm gonna win the battle.
I'm sorry that was your experience, but most AA meetings I've been to aren't like that. It's helpful for people to go to different meetings to find groups they can get something out of.
Quote:
Originally Posted by voivod
science has proven the recidivism rate is not pretty for 12 step.
Since AA doesn't take polls or allow statistics, It's not really fair to say that science has proven anything about it. Especially since many people who go to AA don't follow any of the suggestions or work the steps. Many drop out after a few months. For those that do, it reminds me of a college student who "didn't get anything out of school" because they partied the first semester and dropped out.
almost one year!!!
