Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Hello Everyone, am new here and needing some advice, or perhaps just a kind listening ear and a place to vent.
I am 32 years old, a stay at home mom, my children are 7 and 4. They are the joys of my life! I have been married for 13 years, since the age of 19, my hubby was 21 when we married.
Here's are situation....
My H is severly addicted to pornography and sex. It started shortly after we married, about a year. At first it was just simple little magazines... which I basically ignored thinking its just a "guy thing" no big deal.
Over time it has gotten so much worse. He orders magazines and movies. Leaves them laying around for my kid's to find. When my daughter was 2 I ran to the store quick and came home to find him watching internet porn with our daughter sitting on his lap. Thats when I cracked, I told him he needed to stop or I would leave. He told me he couldnt stop, that it wasn't easy. So we tried counseling. After one month of that, he quit saying that our therapist was "full of it" and that he didn't have a problem.
A few weeks ago my family came over to visit. They needed to use our vehicles to get around the city. I guess, my cousin (who is only 13 years old) found a porn magazine in the backseat of my H's car, she told my grandparents, and my parents. And they blame ME for this.
And the pornography he is into now is more of the BDSM kind. He always says he wants to get a whip or paddle to use at home, which I am not comforatable with at all!!! He has even signed up to BDSM forums and clubs online. I have caught him having sexual discussions with other women online, as well as pretending to be a female talking with other men! He also has had a brief "affair" with a girl on the internet, she would call him while he was at work. And I found numerous emails from her and to her, explaining how he loved her, and how she loved him.
I have told him to stop so many times, I don't know what else to do. I have threatened to take the kids and leave him, but have not yet had the courage to do so. Being a stay at home mom I do not have the income to get an apartment, and my family all lives in another state, so I am basically stuck here.
We do not have sex. Every time he touches me it makes me feel like a piece of meat, like I am just another way for him to "get off". For the first five years of our marriage we would say "I love you" to each other everytime one of us left to go somewhere, or just getting off the phone. There hasn't been any I love yous in 2 years.
I do care about him a great deal. I worry that when I do leave him he will be all alone. His family and he are not very close. I can honestly say that I do love him, but I am not "in love with him" any longer.
Staying here has only caused me depression and anxiety. My therapist suggests I get out ASAP every time I talk to her. I know for my own peace of mind I do need out, but at the same time, it's so hard. And to think of all the stuff my kids will have to go through.....
Anyone else ever felt like they couldnt leave? How did you leave? What steps can I take? I am so lost and confused....
wow im so sorry SB. I have been through porn problems with my H but I think it was easier since we do not have kids. I would have flipped out if my H had our kid watching porn.
As far as the computer goes, you have a right to protect your kids. i would definitely put a site blocker on the computer. its not about controlling him at this point, its about monitoring what your kids see. if your h wants to go do it somewhere else, by all means, you need to protect what your kids see.
Your H wouldnt want to encounter me. If i found magazines in his car you better believe i would have burned the magazines while they were in his car. i can guarantee he wouldnt leave them anywhere me or the kids would find them again.
Leave him. Thats my advice. I know you said you are worried about what will happen to him if you do, but be honest with yourself. Addicted or not, porn is interfering with the "mental safety" of your children. Sex is a natural part of life, but your children should not be exposed to it that early. It will make them loose any respect they have for him and for sex. Maybe you leaving will be the wake up call he needs. As far as not having a job, surely you have a friend who has a spare bedroom, explain the situation to them, not nessecarily all of it, just that you are leaving him and need a place to stay while you get on your feet, and I am sure they will agree.
If you need to vent, feel free to message me if you like the advice, otherwise, I wish you luck!
Well considering my H and I have been together for so long, staying at a friends really isn't an option, as we have the same friends, and I really don't want to drag them through my divorce, or make them choose sides.
My therapist suggested that I file for seperation and childsupport while I am still living here... but the tension between us is already so thick, like we need something else to argue about!
Sufficiently Breathless, my sympathy goes out to you for your pain. I believe I can share some thoughts that might help you move forward. I used to work for a company that was dedicated to preventing internet porn from reaching families. I can tell you that internet porn has many women, and some men, destroyed b/c their significant other was addicted to porn. I've talked with many women personally that monitored their husbands surfing habits so that they could fight the urge to view porn. There are many support groups, books, and organizations that help people battle internet porn.
I will say this though. I'm absolutely stunned that he was watching porn with your 2 year old present. That's completely wrong. Nothing warrants that behavior. Get him help or get out. Your children come first.
I will admit that I have viewed internet porn on plenty of occassions. However, it has not interfered with my life what-so-ever. It is usually when I am bored and I have some time to kill. Which is every now and then. I use discretion ofcourse. So like with anything, if viewed/used in moderation, it should not be cause for concern. Your husband is way past this stage.
Some women go overboard by saying that viewing porn at all is an addiction. I know of a wife that said her husband was addicted to porn just because he told her that he has viewed porn on line. She has never caught him in any shape or form so he's not viewing anything in her presence. You aren't in this category.
The internet filter I spoke of can be located at bsecure™ Family Filter by Bsafe Online. Like I mentioned above, I do not work for them any longer so I'm not endorsing them, but I believe there are some things there that can lead you in the right direction. Besides the internet filter, there is also information to help with the road to recovery.
If you have decided to give your relationship a chance, I suggest you visit the URL asap. If you have decided to leave, you must stick to your decision for the interest of your peace of mind, and your children.
My personal opinion is this, I believe your husband is in dire need of counceling, and I think you need to separate yourself from that environment. If you must live together, rules should be established to ensure he "behaves" normally. In the long run, I believe one of you should leave unless the habit can be kicked.
My best to you! I hope the pain goes away in the near future.
We've tried counseling, he quit after a month and said that he doesn't have a problem and that the therapist was just blowing smoke.
I know he knows how I feel about it, I have threatened to leave so many times, and explained to him how it makes me feel. He thinks I'm the one that has a problem, low self esteem or whatever. Which I do not have, the problem I have is with his addiction. He has ripped our family apart and if you ask me he has taken away my childrens innocense by leaving that crap laying around for them to see, or watching it while the kids are there in the room with him.
He isn't allowed on the computer anymore, I've already put a stop to that... but he gets porn from the adult stores, or he orders it by catalog. There is no way for me to stop it completely.
Every time I find it in my house, I destroy it and throw it out. But I can't constantly keep an eye on him, I have two kids to care for. Plus I just dont have the energy, nor do i really care much what hes up to anymore, as long as my kids don't see it.
I just need out.. not sure where to go.. or how to go, with no income, and no place to live.
Ahh...I see. So it seems to me that you are willing to leave, but you don't have any options on where to go. That is a tough delimma. I really don't have an answer to that.
The fact that he has to have porn on a daily basis is amazing. He really does need help and don't let him convince you that it is you who has the problem.
Here are some ideas.
Since you are a stay at home mom with no family/friends in the area that could help, maybe moving closer to family is an option. Maybe a family member to stay with until you can find a job and work your way out of this. I would just co-exist with him while doing your best to contact family members who could somehow help you.
If you do choose to co-exist for the time being, establish rules on his porn (I can't believe that I'm giving that as an option) to protect the children from exposure to his addiction.
Check and see what your options are for divorcing. Will you be entitled to alimony? You're sure to get child support.
Keep checking back here to keep your mind occupied. Someone is bound to give you the advice that just clicks with you.
Also, don't give ultimatums that you can't legally follow through with. Do your research before saying you will leave or any other threat. If you threaten to leave and you never do, he is going to believe that you will not leave b/c you are dependant on him. I would seriously speak with a divorce lawyer, even if your intentions are not to get divorced. See what your options are. I highly doubt that a judge would approve of porn being viewed by the father in front of the children. You could possibly get him removed from the house while maintaining your residence there. But in the end, he needs to removed from you and your children.
Last edited by dcfl_notsure; 05-18-2009 at 03:40 PM.
Reason: added more text
If your husband is working you have income even if a separation and divorce is pursued in most places in the civilized world.
You can usually get a free consultation with a lawyer to go over such things. If you are a stay at home mom, an order can even be put in place that he has to pay your legal fees too.
Porn is a symptom of his problems, not the cause of it.
I would document all of the inappropriate behavior and take it with you to the lawyer. Watching porn while your small child is on his lap?!!!
Your husband is addicted to sex, Porn, bdsm are symptons that can be fine with the rigth couple, seems you both are polar opposite.
I've gone n record that I like porn and BDSM and a host of otherthings, but this is way over the top.
I mean how can he expose his kids to it? While I am a sexual person, it is all between me and my wife, doesn't go outside of it, and certainly the exposure to children is unacceptable.
you need to divorce him, he has a bad sexual addiction, until he gets serious help he will keep going down the dark path.
Divorce him for your kids sake, your friends and family will understand, you don't have to give them specifics, jsut say it is not working out.
I feel the same way. My husband looks at porn, chats with online women, and claims it's my problem because I get depressed and anxious about the marriage. I think my husband uses porn to satisfy himself between the times we are able to have sex. At this point, he considers porn as a natural part of his fantasies and won't tell me nor give it up. I actually don't care, as long he doesn't meetup for real life affairs and still watches the kids and takes care of our family.
I also agree that the porn is not the central problem. There appears to be deeper problems, and porn is his way to escape his problems. Keep in mind, even if you separate and divorce, he may still want to see the kids. Maybe your hubby needs sex addicts anonymous, I think it is based on 12 steps like alcoholics anonymous.
If hubby conquers this addiction, will the marriage be better? My kids are the same ages, and I know how hard it is in those early years. Good luck.
GASoccerman- I agree that there is something deeper wrong with him. I think at this point he isn't happy in this marriage either, so thats his escape. He can be a decent father, at times, the kids love him. But I have noticed in the last few years that he is very short tempered. The minute he comes home from work, he runs and plays his xbox or hides out from the family for awhile, claiming he is burned out from work. But the minute he starts interracting with the kids or me, he starts yelling and swearing at us constantly. Says the kids are out of control and won't listen. He has never physically harmed anyone, but his temper is on a very short fuse.
Sensitive- I probably wouldn't care so much either if he tried to help out in the family. But he doesnt. My house is crumbling down around me, in need of repairs badly that he won't ever do.
If he conquers the addiction will the marriage be better? No.. I think there has been too much damage at this point. For both of us. At this point I can't even let him touch me without feeling disgusted. And we hardly communicate at all anymore. Its basically like we are just roommates who don't like each other much...
As I said before he has tried counseling and says that he doesn't have a problem. He thinks it is me with the problem, and I have been in therapy for 4 years now for my depression and anxiety.
Heavy porn use is always just a symptom of a deeper psychological problem. In therapy that problem can be discovered and treated with the result being a lessening or eradication of the urge to look at porn.
He needs to get back into therapy with a psychotherapist (not a sex therapist or marriage counsellor)
I feel for your dilemma. I really do. I find porn revolting personally and I struggle to 'appreciate' why others don't. My H loves it but thankfully hides it from me, which I can cope with mostly.
But your husband's indecretion is far far more than that word implies. It is abusive to your children. He clearly does not have any boundaries. That is a real 'siren'. I agree with others that suggest he needs help but if he cannot see the issue here and wants to blame you, then I can't see how you can deal with this. It's too easy for people to say 'leave him'. I'm struggling with the 'do I, don't I dilemma myself and it's a killer. But you MUST take a step back. If you were watching a friend in the this situation, what would you say?? All I would add is that I have some personal experience here and I am concerned at what you have said, particularly at his denial. I am so sorry for what you're going through. Just remember that you are not the problem regardless of what anyone says. I hope you get through this
I have a suggestion and it is what it is but it would work I believe.
But, you MUST be smart and brave about it.
YOU Call Child Protective Services.
Tell a worker what is going on. Tell them you got him into therapy but he quit, tell them the whole story and what you have been going through.
THEY may be able to get you a restraining order for the CHILDREN's protection which will require he move out and only have supervised visits with the kids.
Now, what you need to be smart about is emphasizing how much YOU have been doing to protect the children. ASK them if they can not help you get HIM out of the house, if you can place the children with a relative or if they have a temp foster place for them. Bottom line is you need to protect your kids.
Tell your dh NOTHING about the fact you have called CPS, but tell your dh if you don't stop right NOW, "I cannot not allow the kids to stay where they are seeing this garbage, I have to protect them as their mother..."
The reason I tell you to be smart and careful is that you must be sure CPS understands that YOU have been working to protect your children to the best of your ability. You don't want it to seem as if you are not doing your best to protect your children. I am sure they are seeing more and more issues with wives and porn and kids....you are likely not the FIRST case like this!
They are going to ask why you have not moved out...or seen an attorney to help you. You need to tell them you have no money, no job, if you do not, they will help you I do believe.
Tell them you want all this documented...and if push comes to shove, YOU and the kids MOVE to a shelter; they have attorneys who do pro bono work for SAHM like you.
You need to get him out and away from your kids. When I read he had your two year old on his lap while watching porn I nearly had a stroke: I have worked with abused children, worked in court cases; your dh is sick and it makes me sick to think of what he could be doing to your small child and you not even realize it.
you soound alot like me a stay at home mom with no where to go , i know what you are going through i live it everyday, i have been married for 13 yrs and and have 2 boys 13 and 5 , i suffer from emotional and alcohol abuse from my husband, i wish i could help you with your situation or had advice but i don't just wanted you to know i know what your going through , and i wish you the best , i have tryed to leave my marriage and i don't know how with no job or no family to help i feel stuck to , all i can tell ya is to stay strong for the kids you will find strength through them , i know onday everything will change thats why i keep my head up , plz do the same for yourself , idk if i have been much help just know ii know where your coming from
Hubby's Addiction Destroying Our Family
