Can walls come down?

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-22-2009, 10:14 AM

I am sure those of you dealing with any addiction can relate to what I'm about to ask... so please some feedback.

My H's addiction to Pornography and sex has caused me to build walls. Basically after 10 years of it, I got to the point where I wasn't going to let his addiction emotionally effect me. So I put up this wall around my heart, actually got to the point where I was wishing he would find a girlfriend so me leaving would be easier!!!

My H never really tried to get to the bottom of his addiction, get help for it, or take my threat of leaving seriously. I told him last night that I was leaving... he asked me if there was any way for him to fix it.. to make me want to stay. With that wall up.. I don't see a way. I can't make it come down, I don't trust him to let him near me again. And any thought of him physically touching me repulses me.

Have any of you ever put that wall up around yourself? So that your SO's addiction couldnt hurt YOU anymore? Can you successfully take that wall down?

Keep in mind, I don't think I can make that wall come down, I don't think there is any way we can save our marriage. And I am leaving. I just don't see any way to undo the damage that has been done. I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced this...

voivod · 05-22-2009, 12:40 PM

addiction...walls...very common, i assume...

you walls will come down one brick at a time, in a sometimes maddeningly slow pace. try to find a way to mentally note and complement any time your husband does something that makes you feel comfortable about being with him.

DeniseK · 06-27-2009, 11:56 PM

Walls can certainly come down. I would give myself sometime to heal....therapy with him and then take baby steps. You don't have to do everything in one day...or week or month or year. But the wall you put up will affect you in future relationships too. So, my advice is to try to work through this and if you do ....and he is willing, then work on it together. You will heal faster if you do it that way and you will have closure if things do not work out. My husband is addicted to gaming...and he drinks entirely too much so I supose he has an alcohol addiction too. I put up a wall after my first marriage....heck I had a wall up because of my father's addiction. You are a victem of his problems.....and I definately understand that. My first husband was addicted to everything he did. He couldn't do anything in moderation....drink....sex....porn...work out....I never met anyone so addicted in my life. But that wall.....it's your wall. Not his. You can not live a healthy life with that wall up. Resolve this issue in therapy and then if you need to move on....by all means ...move on and leave the wall there with him.

preso · 06-28-2009, 08:40 AM

Those walls are called resentment and from what I've seen in life, once resentment sets in, things generally do not improve.
From what I've seen the only ones who stay married after deep resentment sets in are those who are basically "stuck" and they end up living seperate lives.
It just depends on your situation, but your going to be the one who has to get over the resentment and hopefully your spouse will be someone you can remain with ( those things that caused the resentment to set in are resolved)...
certainly would be a cahhalenge and could end up being a waste of time.
I am one who feels that it takes 2 people to be in a marriage and would not live seperater lives or overlook bad addictions or lifestyle factors.
A friend of mine, her husband was addicted to porn and they ended up divorcing, she has a wonderful husband now.

FebStars · 06-29-2009, 12:50 AM

"To err is human; to forgive is divine."
-- Alexander Pope

Yeah I agree, those walls are resent. Perhaps visiting a counselor would be good, to get him to recognize the full extent of addiction so he might take it more seriously.

The path to forgiveness is a hard one, but resent can eat at you forever, so you will need to forgive sooner or later, for your own inner peace.

For me, I'm finding lately that unhealthy boundaries are some of the largest issues we all have with relationships. I found this was a good read: Relationships : A Checklist on Boundaries in a Relationship