Can someone tell me if I'm insecure or is it and addiction he has?

trish0603 · 05-23-2009, 06:28 PM

The man "I was" in a relationship with, also the father of my baby, has had his so called "dating sites"/"porn sites" for about 5 years now, I was aware of two of them, when we got together about a year and a half ago I found out there were more. But he would go on the sites and look for women, he would get thier messenger ID's from them and would talk to them from the time he left in the morning, all day until he got off work. One of the 6 women he was talking to, he ended up telling them he would meet them in a motel. For a long time he said he was just on there bs'ing and he wouldnt' have did it. But his friends say there was nothing wrong with what he was doing and it's me that has the problem. A few times he would stay online until 4 in the morning when he had to be up at 5:50 to go to work. I told him it was either us or the sex sites and he chose the sites, saying that it wasn't our problem it was me. Am I wrong for thinking that if there is a problem in a relationship, like trust issues, something like this shouldn't have come into it in the first place?

obsessiveflirter · 05-23-2009, 08:01 PM

Im not sure if i can be of much help, but, ive got an online flirting problem that im currently dealing with, and its also taking a toll on my marriage, but i feel that my problem is i dont get enough attention from my husband, so i look else where, maybe you should try to spice things up a bit, maybe even have net cut off..i wish i could be of more help..

Sufficiently Breathless · 05-23-2009, 10:39 PM

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way your feel.. my H is the same way.. and I HATE IT...
I have threatened to leave, and have finally told him I am ready to seperate and seek a divorce.
I suffer from depression, anxiety and BDD thanks to his little addiction. I am in therapy full time.. trying to fix myself again.when porn and internet, flirting, dating all of it, becomes a problem to the spouse it is a big deal.. PERIOD. There are some here that think occasional usage of that stuff, to rid them of sexual frustration is normal.. which it may very well be.. but I have this to say... If it is hurting your spouse in any way IT IS NOT NORMAL, if it is driving a wedge in your marriage IT IS NOT NORMAL!!
Ask your H to seek counseling with you.. heck even see a therapist for yourself. They are a tremendous help.
I wish you the best, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't be afraid to messege me.SB

Sensitive · 05-23-2009, 10:47 PM

It definitely sounds like he has a sex/porn/online flirting addiction. Many people with this affliction will deny it, blame others, or justify in some other irrational manner. Are you glad you dumped him, or are you asking for advice on how to fix him?

trish0603 · 05-25-2009, 06:36 PM

Our sex life was very one sided, it's kinda funny now because he i hwhat some men would call a women that didn't do anything but lay there in bed, a dead f***. His idea of being affectionate was pinching my nipple. He would stop touching me because I asked him to touch me, mentally he was like dealing with a child. No I do not want this man back in my life it would be harmful to not only myself but my son. It was all a part of his selfishness, not thinking or caring about the person he was with, me. He thinks he was so wonderful in bed that everyone needed to experience him, lol,

I laugh because he is going to realize I wasn't trying to kill his ego but tell him the truth. The sites became an obsession with him and while we all pick our battles, he picked his sex sites, I picked our son. I know in a few months I won't have to ask myself if I did the right thing by leaving, I know I did the right thing for my son. And besides I'm not having anyone tell me it's all my fault now.

tofindme · 06-01-2009, 06:29 AM

Hi I am new here and I am dealing with some of the same issues with my husband of 18 years ( I just found out some of it), I agree with Suffiently Breathless (sorry if I miss spelled). It does hurt a relationship. period... I know that if my husband (or b/f) was doing this (or had done this) in the first few months or even the first year of our marriage he would have been out the door, but mine waited until I was disabled and ill(he waited 13 years) and used my illness and his poor coping skills to cheat on me and yes cyber sex IS CHEATING and debasing and humiliating to you as a woman,or at least that is my opinion.
I wish you all the best.

DeniseK · 06-30-2009, 04:18 PM

Yep...I agree. That..."all men need it sometimes" excuse is just plain crap. If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it. And I believe that Porn...is cheating. His affection was on other women...his time was on other women and his heart was on other women. If not...he would've chosen you over it. So....cheater...cyber cheater....what ever you want to call it....it is all wrong.
Good luck....Hope you find a man who will love you and care for you and protect your heart. Bless you ......

Blanca · 06-30-2009, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeniseK

If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it.

I would disagree with this. just because something one's spouse does inflicts pain does not necessarily make it wrong. My H has a porn addiction and is slightly emotionally disturbed. i used to think that his behaviors were 'wrong' because they hurt me. I think of it much differently now. I do not think its wrong because it hurts me. I think its wrong because its hurting the quality of his life. Dont get me wrong, im not saying its ok to do something even if it hurts your spouse. there is a line there. But it is not always the case that if one's spouse is hurting the other that the behavior is wrong. Some time down the road my H might make a decision that is best for him but hurts me. I think that if i really love him, i would want him to do what was best for him.

voivod · 06-30-2009, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeniseK

Yep...I agree. That..."all men need it sometimes" excuse is just plain crap. If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it. And I believe that Porn...is cheating. His affection was on other women...his time was on other women and his heart was on other women. If not...he would've chosen you over it. So....cheater...cyber cheater....what ever you want to call it....it is all wrong.
Good luck....Hope you find a man who will love you and care for you and protect your heart. Bless you ......

i'm a guy...a horny guy...a former (for now) porn addict and inappropriate flirt. and denisek is 100 percent right.

i hope you find that the man you have will choose to love you and care for you and respect and honor you and protect your heart.

DeniseK · 07-03-2009, 11:14 AM

I also believe that forgiveness is divine. People we all make mistakes...and we deserve forgiveness for those mistakes....but when someone makes a choice...(his porn was most important.) then he isn't seeking redemption. He is selfish. And....once you are married....doing what is right for you...means doing what is right for your wife or husband...and family. If it benefits you....but not your other half...then it is simply wrong and selfish. we live in a world where we are incouraged to do what is best for ourselves and what makes us feel good at the moment. Selfishness is a rude and silent killer in all relationships. And even your children pay the price for it. It isn't a perfect world....and we are all imperfect....and we should encourage each other. Love yourself...and love your spouse like you love yourself and then you will do no harm to them....and that is the key to happiness. Works both ways...cant work with only one...but it is a valuable attitude to create happiness. For love is the greatest gift given to us...held higher in regard than anything else.
Take care....I hope you find happines with someone who won't hurt you....( and if he changes....then who knows...but dont' live your life waiting for him to change. It might never happen.)

blacksage · 07-24-2009, 06:46 PM

i dont agree with the "if it hurts your spouse it is wrong" comment. I am actually on the other side of it. My spouse does something that hurts me, but what she is doing is not wrong. I am not saying that is the case here, just that rule does not always apply.

As far as the dating sites, that is not a good thing. There are PLENTY of social forums where he can talk to other people, men or women. You might be able to help him overcome this problem by giving him more attention, or you can have him seek help for this issue.

magic52 · 02-06-2010, 11:18 PM

I think if it was just porn movies in moderation it would be okay. What I can't deal with is the dating sites and the looking on craigslist for a woman. These are real people that he can hook up with. It makes me sick to my stomach, and makes me feel like I am a worthless someone that obviously is not attactive or satisfying if he has to do this. Even worse is when he wants you to suck his **** while he sits and looks at big asses on the computer. I do have large breasts but I have no butt and it just completely humiliates me! I finally have stopped participating in this and have found this site and it is giving me hope for myself after all.