To stay or not to stay

hurtandsad · 01-15-2008, 11:43 AM

I have been with my husband for almost 16 yrs. now and we have a great 13 yr. old daughter.
There are many trials and tribulations with any relationship, but ours is unique in that he has a sexual addiction. I have, over the years, tried to be understanding and even involved, but can't handle what he does sometimes. It isn't anything I want, as I see sex as something beautiful between committed partners, but he sees it as sex & pleasure. I do not have any desire to be with another person. He's the one. I love him with all my heart, but am fearing the worst about the longevity of our marriage. I have, over the last few years found him flirting, having online things going on and he goes out & flirts (who knows if there's more) and I have seen emails and phone numbers that I don't know and can't look up. I do not have any family to speak of and don't even know how I would survive without this relationship.
I find myself trying to be more involved in what he's doing and even snooping to see if there's and real evidence lately, but he's got all his stuff locked up tight now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

draconis · 01-15-2008, 12:49 PM

Get a key logger for the computer, he can't hide anything with that installed.

draconis

hurtandsad · 01-16-2008, 10:43 AM

Thank you. The problem with that is he's the administrator on the computer and I don't have any of his passwords. I don't have the ability to install anything or change anything. I carry guilt about all this as I am a contributing factor, but betrayal of trust led to invasion of privacy. I am certain that he still does things & have tried to talk to him, but he blames me for changing when in essence I only tried to please him, but couldn't handle what he said he needed. The whole situation is based on his need for "different" things and mine for needing to feel loved and not being made a fool of. This is just an example, but I am sure my photos are out there somewhere and I shudder at the thought. He says I should feel good about it. Our relationship was once wonderful, before the days of internet interaction, and I don't know if we will ever get it back.

kajira · 01-16-2008, 04:29 PM

Some men and women are flirty in nature. I know I am...part of me wants to say turn the table and be more flirty and see how he likes it....or....try being more flirty with him...a tease...and perhaps his attention will be towards you instead of others.

hurtandsad · 01-17-2008, 08:48 AM

I think that I have made the decision to eventually go, but my obsticles are many. I do not have any family and he typically handles the money. I recently lost my job and do not have any savings. I have been trying to find work for a few months, but nothing yet. I feel trapped and alone. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

demora · 01-22-2008, 09:13 AM

Hi hurtandsad,
Seeing what he's doing isn't going to help how you feel at all. The fact that he's hiding what he's doing from you is sign enough that he knows it would hurt you.

I deal with many of the same things, however, I am the administrator on the network. I know he gets emails and chats with many different woman. What he talks about with them, I have no idea. The fact that he will hide the messages from me is about all I need to know about them. He knows he's being dishonest or he wouldn't be hiding them.

I put a content blocker on both of the computers and he attempted to access porn sites so much that the license was used up in a couple of weeks and he was again, charging porn downloads. He didn't tell there was a problem with the software, I just noticed the charges in our account. And, he only does it when I'm not home.

I'm to the point where I am going to start taking the modem with me when I leave the house. Because we have cable internet, I belive that it has to be registered with the cable company to work...sooo...he won't be able to just plug in another modem and hook back up.

I spoke with my doctor today, I don't have any really close friends here and really no family to talk to about it. She suggested to try counseling and then if he doesn't change, that I should leave. I'm not a kid anymore and I don't think it's fair of him to put our financial lives in jeopardy just to get off.

hurtandsad · 01-22-2008, 12:47 PM

He knows how I feel about all of his sex oriented garbage and still does it. I work in the day (usually) and he works nights so he has plenty of time to take advantage of the internet & carry on the strange behavior. I knew he had odd sexual desires once I got to know him, but he didn't disclose most of the real bad ones until after we were married (internet wasn't a factor either)and I have been dealing with it for years now. Mine wouldn't go to counseling.
I think I have had enough and am trying to figure out how to leave. I am stuck here for awhile. I did get a job and hopefully I can figure out how to do the rest, too.
It's so hard when you are alone (no family) and have a child to consider. I feel for you and hope that with counseling you can save your marriage. If he's willing to go, at least that's something. It just seems like such a waste (especially when you have invested years in a relationship) to have it all fall apart over something so meaningless. Best of luck with everything!

demora · 01-23-2008, 08:50 AM

I hear you. It does seem silly doesn't it that something so superficial can be such a big problem. I don't understand it.

Congrats on the job! Best of luck to you as well.

GApeach · 02-13-2008, 05:35 AM

I kind of know where you guys are coming from. To make a long story short, I love sex. My husband has always been a take it or leave it kind of guy. Well at the beginning of 2007, I noticed we were only having sex like once or twice a month, sometimes once every 2 months. Well, we took a trip a few months ago where we had to share a room with our son. I had thought he was masturbating because the signs were there. So being crafty, I started putting my son's magazines (these werent porn mags but might as well have been, scantily dressed women in bikinis and provocative poses) in a certain order and I could tell when they had been moved. (My son no longer lived here but his mags were still in his bathroom.) My husband says he has not touched them at all. I know that is a lie but I let it go. On the trip one night, an idea popped into my head. The day after we got back, I left for awhile, came home and checked the laundry, towel had semen on it and something else I did proves it, but I wont mention that. I initiate sex that night. He gets it up but cant finish. I finally ask him about it and he lies. He even promises me looking straight into my eyes that he didnt masturbate. A couple days later he finally owned up to it. This hurt me so bad. I mean he knows I am willing to have sex whenever, however, whatever. I am very open to trying anything and he knows it. (Anything between us, no swinging or anything like that.) I am now stuck where I dont believe anything he says because I know he has no problem looking me in the eye and PROMISING me is telling the truth, knowing he is lying. He eventually said the reason he did it then was because he was horny. I asked why he couldnt wait an hour or so for me to get home. He didnt know the answer to that. So it turns out, he has been masturbating all this time. He told me he had been doing this only a "couple of times." I asked him what he was thinking of when he did this and he didnt know. He said nothing really. His mind was blank. Go figure.