Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
In the last year, my husband has spent thousands on porn websites. Our sex life was never really an issue until he started going to these sites. Ever since then, he has not been interested in just making love to me, as me....I have pretend to be someone else in order for him to be turned on.
When I confront my husband on his spending so much money on porn, he says that if we had sex more often, he wouldn't have to go out to the porn sites. Made sense at first, but then we would have sex in the morning and in the afternoon, he would be on the sites spending money. I have told him that I don't have a problem with the porn, it's the money. He had porn before we met and I didn't mind it then.
We also, always have kinky sex which is always fun, but it is very time consuming. With our busy lives, I have told him if we could just make love without all of the set up time involved, we could make love more often. He also expects me to just fall over and be turned on whenever he says he's horny. The foreplay is the setting the scene....there really isn't much sensual about it. He doesn't seem to enjoy touching me.
Beyond that, I have talked to him on several occasions about his hygene. It was not a problem in the past, when we first got together, he showered and brushed his teeth everyday and always smelled very nice. When we drove truck, we were not able to take daily showers, and it seems as though he's stuck in that mode. I'm lucky if he takes 2 per week and he never brushes his teeth (and he chews tobacco). It's really hard to get going when with this going on as well.
I love him so much, and it's hard to believe that something like this could potentially be what ends our relationship. I'm not writing it off yet and am not willing to give up on it or him yet. I've asked him if our life together means so little to him and he said "no" and then went and did other things. I'm at a loss.
Porn isn't your fault. As you said correctly he has an addiction. If you love him as you say lay it on the line to him that he needs to make a choice you or his addiction.
As with any addiction the dose of the 'hit' needs to be constantly increased. Many men start with 'harmless' 'soft' porn and progress to the really nasty stuff because in the same way that someone starts with cannabis and progresses to heroin they need more and more to get the same kick.
To many porn addicts real sex with real women is a poor second to their fantasy thrills.
I think he is taking you for granted. I think the sex in his head and the women in his porn are more important than his real life relationship with you.
I think you need to let him know his habits really bother you (including the hygiene) and lay down some ground rules.
His addiction cannot be your fault, any more than it would be if he were addicted to drugs or alcohol. It sounds to me like he needs professional help, to get to the bottom of why he needs this fix.
I agree that it isn't your fault... He probably had this addiction before you met and this is it in its continuous form.
Porn desensitizes you from a lot of things, and can make a marital sex life complicated. Sort of like women addicted to their sex toys, a perfect hit every time and very dependable... So they become very desensitized to making love or having sex with their significant other, maybe it's a control thing... Try to go about it like that... How would a woman break that habit?
If you were a man or your husband... would you view the porn as an addiction? Isn't the first step to overcoming an addiction, coming to terms that there is a problem?
I've talked to him about being addicted, and doesn't think that looking pictures or live webcams is porn, he thinks movies are porn. I think he is very lost in his world of fantasy and porn. I have to pretend to be someone else when we have sex in order to get him excited. I'm just not enough.
After the last blow up, he went for weeks without downloading any, but I see in our bank account, he did it again.
If your husband has developed an addiction to porn, doesn't want to have straight sex with you, and has developed bad hygiene habits,as these can all be symptoms; I would strongly suspect that he has remembered ,and is coming to terms with some sort of abuse situation in his childhood. I would get him into counseling to deal with his memories, and then , if still needed, then couples counseling could take place.
I have to pretend to be someone else when we have sex in order to get him excited. I'm just not enough.
This is the part that grabbed me. So at first I thought why is he saying this ?. Is there soemthing missing. BUt it sounds as if there is nothig missing . You have sex with him, you are z willing participant(meaing you enjoy and not just giving mercy pokes)...
Honestly I would throw the computer out the window, but that is just how I am. There is no reason for him to replace you with porn and NO reason you should have to role play ALL the time..
At this point short of giving an ultimatum, I dunno what to say. I know ultimatuns should never be given within a marriage, but this is one of those things where I don't think talking is going to work..
I wish you well, and good luck hun, this is going to be a tough one..
He spent another $360 in March, so today when I left for work, I took the modem....and for now, I'm going to take it with me whenever I leave....and as much as I hate ultimatums, I'm seriously considering one.
This is effecting so much of our life! I just can't see spending that much on something so selfish when we are supposed to be family.
I haven't been sleeping much, trying to figure out how to start the conversation...again...but I have to figure out what to say as well. It can't be just another "talk", that doesn't seem to solve anything. There's got to be a plan or something...not sure.
We don't have kids, but it's still a lot of money!!!
I pulled the modem yesterday because he always does it when I'm not home and I had some place to go after work. He called and asked if I turned off the internet and I told him that grabbed the modem before I left the house. I said I thought we needed to talk before he downloaded anymore porn and we would talk when I got home (I was already on my way home at this point).
I got home, and he didn't say much to me and wouldn't turn off the tv. He finally said that he took down his computer and put it in the closet (which is what he "threatened" to do last time I brought up how much he was spending on it) and really didn't want to talk.
So now, I feel like nothing is really "resolved". I didn't get the opportunity to tell how I feel and it was/is effecting our relationship, life, financial security and future. I guess I will try again tonight to talk to him. I sort of feel like him putting his computer away is a way to manipulate me - every time in the past when we've talked, he cuts himself down and says all these awful things about himself and I feel like crap for bringing it up....and I feel this is no different.
It probably isn't. He thinks that by putting the computer away for a week he is going to smooth it over just long enough ..Kinda like the sexless marriages you here about.. The witholder realizes they are screwing up so they give just enough sex to get the other comfy again then right back to withholding...
I def think no matter what you do need to talk about the things you said here. No matter what he does. And don't let him guilt you into anything. It's no different from an alcoholic, they will say all these bad things about themslelves and come up with excuses when confronted about their problem.
You have your work cut out for you hun...Keep your chin up!
I still have the modem with me. I didn't get to talk to him last night, he fell asleep in his chair. I know he had a really bad day at work yesterday so I didn't press. I haven't forgotten though and I still want to talk to him...but since he put his computer away, I'm not sure how to start the conversation. And how do I acknowledge his effort without belittling it? Is it really an effort? It doesn't feel realistic, but I am complete computer nerd. He really wasn't much of a computer person until we got together.
I posted in general discussion about jealousy...Of our discussion that we had, there were 2 things that really bothered me...the first being that he thinks I'm having an affair and the second is that he's jealous of me. Love and jealousy seem to be so seperate to me, that how can you say you love someone and be so jealous of them at the same time?
They say there's a fine line between love and hate, and to me I guess jealousy fits in there. It creates a lot of hostile feelings and unrealistic thoughts - like I'm having an affair. I guess I'm not sure I feel any better after we talked...I know we will need to talk more.
Hi demora, If it's the cost of the sites that bothers you more than him looking at porn, there are some cool FREE sites I found on OVguide.com the on the left there is a link called ADULT with like a red light bulb graphic on it, click on that and there will be a full page or more of free porn sites. One of the is call porntube, you know like youtube only for people that want to share their porn.
This wont help his addiction, if that's what it is, but it will help your budget.
His Porn Addiction my fault?
