Not an alcoholic but - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #16 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 07:19 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

Quote:
Originally Posted by gbrad View Post
I like the idea of coming home and immersing myself directly into something else, the hard part is making myself do that instead of sitting down and relaxing with a drink first thing. Today, 2 drinks in with a shot poured as well. Haven't had the shot yet though. It would just be so much easier if I wasn't home by myself so much.
First you need to acknowledge that there is a part of you that doesn't want to cut back. If you did you would. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow but trust me it's true.

3 things are necessary to break bad habits. Knowledge as to why (health, have other things to do), skills as to how (find something else to do, replace it with something else) and lastly you must WANT it.

For me it's that last thing that gets me stuck. Until I want to break a bad habit it's not happening. The only other caveat is if you're addicted and if you are that makes this even more challenging almost impossible sometimes.
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post #17 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 08:25 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

Quote:
Originally Posted by DumpedAgain View Post
In 1989 after a long progression into alchoholism I finally gave up, went to re-hab (3rd time) and got my life together

No one but you can figure out if you are a heavy drinker or an
honest to God Alcoholic. I spent many years as a heavy drinker

Bargaining with myself all along (don't drink before 5, no hard liquor etc) as time went on I fudged on my rules more and more until it all collapsed

i am recently separated, looks like it could be the big D. That
has made me actually crave alcohol for the first time in 20+
years.

But, I knew what to do. I found a mens AA meeting (90% are divorced) and started going, keeps me from craving the demon rum and I am making friends

If you are concerned about drinking, it doesn't have to be AA
(it's hard to walk in those doors) talk to a counselor.

If we depend on booze to get thru life, it ain't the booze, it's
our unbalanced lives that are the problem
For the past 3 years my STBXH was on the roller coaster ride of drinking, then stopping, rehab, detox, etc. Now after the 4th time around he's finally going to AA, sometimes twice a day. He says it helps a lot. I'm not surprised 90% of the men are divorce and I'm willing to bet the remaining 10% are headed in that direction.

I hope my STBXH can stay sober, not only for himself but for our son too. Our son is all he has left. He has managed to completely alienate our daughter and I've filed for divorce. He's broke, he's unemployed and telling me that he might not have a place to live soon.

3 years ago he had a family, a business and had inherited a sizeable amount of money, all of which he lost. Why is it all gone now? Because of alcohol.

I don't know if he thinks it was worth it but I'd say it wasn't. I like to drink as much as anyone and believe me, there are drinkers and there are alcoholics and if you are an alcoholic then you'd better stop drinking because there's no happy ending for you.

D DAY: Monday, April 1, 2013
And now it's your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength you've had inside all along
'Cause life starts now
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post #18 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 08:26 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

You don't sound like an alcoholic, why do you think it's a problem?

I quit cold turkey for a while as I was an alcoholic, now I just drink socially and on occasion unless I'm driving instead of hiring a cab like every few months. I just stopped buying booze to take home. If you do want to cut down though, buy beer, NOT the good stuff though (cause you'll go through a 6 pack and go "sh-t, I just bought it today" - what normally happened to me)

I no longer feel the cravings or need booze to unwind. But to reach that stage I had to quit cold turkey so that I could adjust my lifestyle accordingly - lifestyle and habit is what makes any addiction difficult to quit.
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post #19 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 08:31 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

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I have to say, those who are recommending that I just give up drinking completely, that is not an option that is going to happen. There are times when drinking in a social setting is just a fun experience and there are times when having a drink just takes the edge off of a stressful situation. I don't like the idea of having to give that up completely. While I do want to curb my drinking as a whole, I don't want to abandon it. I like the idea of coming home and immersing myself directly into something else, the hard part is making myself do that instead of sitting down and relaxing with a drink first thing. Today, 2 drinks in with a shot poured as well. Haven't had the shot yet though. It would just be so much easier if I wasn't home by myself so much.
Sounds like you drink out of boredom. I know the feeling. "nothing to do so I might as well kill those beers in the fridge".
I like to drink. I just don't drink as much anymore.

Hook me up a new revolution, cause this one is a lie. Sat around laughing and watched the last one die.
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post #20 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-19-2013, 08:36 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

We are on a tight budget and consequently have cut back on alcohol (no weeknight drinking at all). The less I drink the less I miss it. I only have a beer on Fri night and a couple of glasses of wine on Sat night and currently I have given it all up for lent. My husband drinks a little more on weekends from his stockpile of red wine, but once that's gone, I'm not giving him any money to buy more!

However, prior to this, there was a point that we were drinking entirely too much during the week, and I had already cut back by stopping on Mon - Wed. I also stuck to a rule of max 2 glasses.

As other posters have stated, you need a motivation with greater pull than the alcohol has. I sense that you are a bit concerned that you may be developing a problem, but are not ready to admit (yet) that it may be more serious. If you can't establish your ground rules when sober, and stick to them, when slightly buzzed, then that, my friend, is your crux of the problem. Now what do you want to do about it?
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post #21 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 01:04 AM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

Quote:
Originally Posted by RandomDude View Post

I no longer feel the cravings or need booze to unwind. But to reach that stage I had to quit cold turkey so that I could adjust my lifestyle accordingly - lifestyle and habit is what makes any addiction difficult to quit.
Well said. I would add also that the main thing why we are addicted is GUILT. Guilt is an engine that runs all addictions...
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post #22 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

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Originally Posted by Mavash. View Post
First you need to acknowledge that there is a part of you that doesn't want to cut back. If you did you would. I know this is a bitter pill to swallow but trust me it's true.

3 things are necessary to break bad habits. Knowledge as to why (health, have other things to do), skills as to how (find something else to do, replace it with something else) and lastly you must WANT it.

For me it's that last thing that gets me stuck. Until I want to break a bad habit it's not happening. The only other caveat is if you're addicted and if you are that makes this even more challenging almost impossible sometimes.
You are right that there is a part of me that does not want to quit drinking. I want to cut back, but not quit. I enjoy drinking, I just want to do it less. I do want to break the bad habit as you say. But at the same time, it feels good and is difficult. Once you have one drink, you want to have another.

Quote:
Originally Posted by joe kidd View Post
Sounds like you drink out of boredom. I know the feeling. "nothing to do so I might as well kill those beers in the fridge".
I like to drink. I just don't drink as much anymore.
Boredom could be part of it. But I do have things I need to do and want to do instead of just drinking. Its almost just like a rut that I have gotten into.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignis View Post
Well said. I would add also that the main thing why we are addicted is GUILT. Guilt is an engine that runs all addictions...
Not sure how guilt comes into play.
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post #23 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 06:11 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

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You are right that there is a part of me that does not want to quit drinking. I want to cut back, but not quit. I enjoy drinking, I just want to do it less. I do want to break the bad habit as you say. But at the same time, it feels good and is difficult. Once you have one drink, you want to have another.
Okay so "part" of you doesn't want to cut back.

I know this will sound like psychobabble but hear me out. Until you acknowledge that part of you that WANTS to keep drinking it will be difficult to cut back.

Step back from yourself mentally and pretend to talk to that 'part' of you that wants to keep drinking. Ask it to tell you all about why it wants to keep drinking. Ask it why it can't stop at one. Have a discussion with that part of you and appeal to it. See if you can reason with it and get it to work or compromise with you. BTW this is from internal family systems therapy.

Fascinating therapy and it's highly effective if done correctly.

Internal Family Systems Model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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post #24 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 07:52 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

We realized over the years that we had begun drinking more and more. So we switched to lighter and lighter beers. I know it sounds awful but after a while a Miller light (.42 oz alcohol) wasn't bad. Now we never have more than a couple MLs and that's less than one technical drink.
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post #25 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 08:40 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

You don't have to give it up all together.

But insisting that you have one drink a day is shaky ground. That one will often lead to another. I have had the same problem. Being something of a functioning alcoholic.

I didn't need the one drink. I had it because subconsciously it was a good excuse to have more than one. As soon as I mellowed out after one drink I thought "what the heck, a few more won't hurt".

Try and give it up during the week. Or not drink at home. Or not drink alone.

You will get more done in the long run.

I used to waste a lot of time being hungover. It's shocking to think how much actually.
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post #26 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-20-2013, 10:51 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

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You don't have to give it up all together.

But insisting that you have one drink a day is shaky ground. That one will often lead to another. I have had the same problem. Being something of a functioning alcoholic.

I didn't need the one drink. I had it because subconsciously it was a good excuse to have more than one. As soon as I mellowed out after one drink I thought "what the heck, a few more won't hurt".

Try and give it up during the week. Or not drink at home. Or not drink alone.

You will get more done in the long run.

I used to waste a lot of time being hungover. It's shocking to think how much actually.
Not drink at home and not drink alone. Huh, that is primarily the times that I do. But you are right that it is too easy to have another after that first one.
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post #27 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 01:27 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

Instead of coming home to an empty house where the temptation is great:
Hit the gym
Take a walk
Run
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post #28 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-21-2013, 05:58 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

No one can tell you that you are an addicted to anything

The decision to deal with addiction only happens when
the pain of the addiction is more than you can stand

Alcohol is a wonderful substance, it is also the most abused
drug in the world and causes incredible pain for millions

"Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems"

Homer Simpson
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post #29 of 129 (permalink) Old 02-24-2013, 08:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

Well I told myself nothing to drink today. And that didn't work out as planned. I did good for most of the day and didn't have anything to drink even when I had an urge to pour something, but now I have a couple drinks in me.
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post #30 of 129 (permalink) Old 03-04-2013, 03:12 PM
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Re: Not an alcoholic but

First, I suggest you read this book:

Take Control of Your Drinking...And You May Not Need to Quit

This will help you determine whether cutting back is right for you or whether you really need to quit.

In the meantime, change up your habits. Go for a walk when you get home (or go to the gym, etc...). Eat something immediately when you get home. Have celery or carrot sticks... anything to have in your hand.

Try to have your full dinner before having your first drink. try drinking a couple of glasses of water immediately when you get home.

Put your booze in the garage (unless you park in your garage, then put it in your cellar). Anything that requires a few more steps to get it.

But finally, think of why you need that drink. What is going on that you can't address, or need to hide from, or try to avoid?

Stopping or cutting back isn't a one-step solution. try them all.
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