Lost... - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2013, 03:03 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Lost...

I am not sure where to post this since it has a little bit of everything in it...Sorry!!

I met my husband in 2003. We have been married for 8 years and have two beautiful children our son is 5 years and daughter is 10 months. When I first met my husband I quickly realized that he was an alcoholic, but like many other women, I thought I could change him and/or minimized the what if's.

My husband and I have always had great sex and had it about 2-3 times per week. Not only did we have sex, but we would have foreplay, take pictures, watch porn, and even taped ourselves!!

In 2007 I became pregnant with our son and in Feb 2008 we received a phone call that his brother, who was over seas serving in the military, had a health issue and was flown to Germany and then to Walter Reed. Come to find out he had terminal cancer and didn't have much time. Hubby was already drinking and drank every night. I was about 8 months pregnant and begged him not to drink and get drunk b/c I could go into labor! Nothing worked! Our son was born in April 08 and his brother died in October.

His drinking increase, but our sex life decreased dramatically! Fast forward to 2010We had sex maybe 1 time every 6 months and I was so lonely! However, I kept myself busy working full time, being a mom, and I was going to school to get my masters. One night I had to work late at an internship. I called hubby to see if he wanted me to get our son or if he was all set to get him. I ended up getting our son and dropped him off at home. As soon as I saw hubbster, I knew that he was drunk. He denied this, but I knew. I had to go to my internship and it was right down the road. I went and came home early. I found my hubby passed out in the hallway, with our 2 year old son crawling on him.

That was IT! I called his family and met with all of them the next day. I wanted to have an intervention, but needed their support. When I met with just his family, none of them really knew that he even had an issue. I told them what had just happened with our son, his peeing in the corner of various rooms thinking it was the bathroom, falling down stairs, almost setting our house on fire, lying, driving while drunk.....on and on. They were behind me 100% and his brother agreed to pay for it.

We had the intervention the next day and hubby (after a long talk, ultimatums, and fighting) agreed to go to treatment. He was gone to inpatient for 30 days. He came home and stayed sober for 11 months.

During our relationship he was fired from two of his jobs. A few months after our son was born he, again was fired from his 3rd job! Since he was not working treatment and staying sober was a little easier without all the pressure of work. Once he was hired at a new job, he relapsed. He drank on and off, but never got to the point he was prior.

I did not want to have another child with him if he was drinking. I also did not want him to decide if I got to have another child! He promised he was NOT drinking anymore and was taking his sobriety seriously. In 2011 we became pregnant with our daughter. One month later, I found out that he was drinking! I was so distraught and that my decision to believe that he was not drinking just changed my whole life.

Fast forward to present time...Hubby and I only had sex 1 time while I was pregnant and 2 times since she was born. Can I also say that the last time that he has gone down on me and performed oral sex was when I was PREGNANT WITH OUR SON . Yes, 5 years ago! I love giving him head! I would do it every night if I could. However, why should I give him oral pleasure if I get nothing in return?

Blahhhh....Hubby was fired from his 4th job almost 2 years ago and has not been working since. This summer he has picked up some painting jobs to earn money. He has spent all of his 401 k, took out extra $$ from his school loans (failed both classes), and now has borrowed money from his brother.

He is still drinking and no longer is trying to hide it from me. A few months ago he started to raise his hand to me and threatened to hit me. I told him that if he EVER hit me I would not hesitate to call the cops and press charges. Things have settled down in that department. He has not gotten sloppy drunk for a while now.

Hubby knows that he has a drinking issue and wants to get better. We talk (mostly me) a lot about what we would like our marriage to be and what needs to be done in order to get there. He suffers from depression and becomes very depressed in the winter, but no job = no insurance = no medication or therapy. He feels like a failure, and that he is less of a man due to all the stress that he has put on me, the kids, and our marriage. He says he wants to be better and give me what I desire, but can't. He always says that if he can't love or stand himself, then he can't love me in the way that I want.

I know that we have MANY more issues then just sex and we have a lot of work to do in almost every aspect of our marriage. However, it as been so long since I have been touched or desired by him. It has gotten to the point when we did have sex it was very awkward...like we were doing it for the first time. I am dying inside. Not only to have sex, but to be wanted. We are like two roommates who are raising children. We don't hold hands, kiss, touch...nothing. I want our marriage to work, I really do, but how much am I suppose to take?

I understand that he hates himself, but he has felt this way FOREVER. It has gotten to the point where I DO feel attracted to another man. I have to avoid certain situations with this man b/c I am afraid of what will happen. I do not want to cheat, but I need and want some kind of physical connection. Christ, just to sweep the hair from my face while looking into my eyes, kiss the back of my neck...something....anything! I am so afraid I will end up in the arms of another man just to feel alive inside.

YES, hubby does know these things, but when I tell him how I feel it makes him feel worse. When he feels worse, he loses motivation to get the hell out of his own way and make positive choices. I keep telling myself to hang in there and once he gets a job, THEN we can work on our marriage.

Is this every going to happen, am I just fooling myself? IDK, I have talked in circles and thank you if you're still reading this. Any kind of advice, words of encouragement, or similar stories would be greatly appreciated
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2013, 04:42 AM
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Your husband had a drinking problem since before you met him and except for a brief period has gone on for 8 years. You are worried about lack of sex. Worry about lack of a life, lack of respect, lack of a stable home for your kids, lack of a stable future.

He. Quits drinking and stays that way or the marriage is over.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-25-2013, 06:34 AM
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Re: Lost...

I'm surprised you even want to have sex with your hubby, drunk or sober. My H drinks every night, does the whole "I promise" bull, blah blah blah. And giving him a bj? NO WAY!!! Let Captain Morgan blow him, he spends more time with him than with me.

Jeez, do I sound bitter?

As I was going up the stair . . . I saw a man who wasn't there . . . he wasn't there again today . . . I wish he would go away
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 02:15 AM
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Re: Lost...

Originally Posted by Maneo View Post
Your husband had a drinking problem since before you met him and except for a brief period has gone on for 8 years. You are worried about lack of sex. Worry about lack of a life, lack of respect, lack of a stable home for your kids, lack of a stable future.

He. Quits drinking and stays that way or the marriage is over.

I agree. Just leave him, hope it will change him for better. you cant trust him after what he has been doing. He doesn't care for the children nor you. Ask him to go for the treatment or better leave with your children
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 09:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Lost...

As I very much appreciate all of your responses, it amazes me how many of you jump to "just leave him!" If leaving him was that easy of an answer, I would have done it already. Leaving is not an easy decision nor is it something that I can do just like that! Being a single mother of two children with only a moderate to low income is not easily done. I have no family or friends that can take us in. I would be ripping my 5 year old son out of the only home he has ever known. If I leave my house to my husband, he will not be able to afford it. If I leave into a small apartment that cost about 1000.00 a month with nothing included, I can't afford to have them in daycare. If they are not in daycare I CAN NOT work. IF I cannot work, how can I pay the rent?

So saying just leave him is an easy solution to some of you, to others with no family or financial mean, it is something that is not just doable at a drop of a hat. I have to weight my options and do everything and anything I can to try to shelter my kids from his episodes (which are few and far between). What I was hoping for was some advice from others who might have been in similar situations and what their outcome was.

I LOVE my husband but despise his alcoholism, which is a disease. I know that he does want to get better, but is struggling to find the means to do so. His children are everything to him and he does know that they will be taken from him if his behavior becomes out of control.

I want to guide my marriage to work, and do everything I can do make it work. Providing that he is willing to do the same.

As for sex, I am still married and thus far have NOT broken my marriage vows. He has more up days versus down days. Therefore, those are the times I want to connect with him. I do not feel it is time to stray from the marriage before we have had an adacquit amount of time to work things out, providing things remain safe. I am only human and need and want sex and to be touched. He is my husband and that is who I should be receiving these things from. This is until I/we have decided that our marriage is no longer working or his behavior doesn't improve drastically.

Hopefully, the next time you all jump to "leave him...get a divorce..ect" you think of these other factors as well.

Is there anyone else out there that has been in my same shoes that can give me encouragement or advice.

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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 09:51 PM
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Re: Lost...

Hubby hasn't worked in 2 years.... aren't you already supporting the family? Is hubby watching the kids while you work tho? That is the difference in making it on your own or not?

I suggest Al-Anon. I'd be quite open about it. Let him watch the kids while you go to meetings. Al-anon is there for YOU, to help you cope.

I'd also do some research... I'd figure out a hundred different ways to see if I could afford to leave.

I do understand tho. At one point I had 5 kids under the age of six and could not figure out HOW to leave. So I stayed. Did my best, put up with alot of crap, raised the kids the best I could in spite of feeling like a single parent, couldn't count on him for anything. And even after all that I was still trying.... 14 years later.... I went to marriage counseling by myself. He said "WE" did not have a problem.

During those years tho.... I put myself thru school (Ex still insists that he put me thru school, but I'm still paying the student loans...and he wouldn't even watch the kids so I could go!). I became a teacher (which really really addresses child care issues!), and one day he walked out and never looked back.

Best freakin thing that ever happened to me! Even tho it was 14 years later, I was still trying to do the math and figure out HOW to support the kids on my own knowing that I could never count on him.

Soooooooooooo.... my advice is:

1. Go to Al-Anon (whether he approves of that move or not, its NOT about him)

2. Do the math a hundred different ways, do your homework... see if you can figure out any other choices.

3. Continue your education so that if it comes to it you will have higher earning potential.

The bottom line is...that if you don't make any changes, it all stays the same. If you don't like your life, figure out how to change it.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 10:14 PM
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Re: Lost...

When you have been doing the same thing for years, and it hasn't worked, you have to do something different. I grew up in a home with a dad much like your husband. Believe me, I would have loved it if my mom would have done the things she needed to do rather than keep putting up with all of my dad's games, depression, alcoholism, etc.

You continue to cover for him because you love him. It is okay to love someone, but it is not okay for you to continue to allow him to do what he is doing and for you and the kids to suffer for it. The reason people are telling you to just leave him is because it might be the wake up call he needs. You are addicted to your husband, and you are afraid of what will happen to you and your kids if you leave. You fear being alone, trying to raise kids without husband. You go to bed afraid and stress a lot, and you cry lots of tears. You want your husband to desperately be the father and husband you know he could be *if* he would just (insert better behavior here).

Since you have been at this "cover for him" game for so long, it will be hard to take anyone's advice here. But what you need to do is do what is right for you and the kids. You need to get all your friends and family behind you. Tell them what you are doing and why -- and you need to separate yourself from your husband for a time. You need to write him a letter stating why, and not hold back anything. Yes, he is depressed. Yes he is an alcoholic. Yes he is sometimes a great guy (that's why you married him, isn't it?), and yes you have deep feelings for him. But you need to do this for his sake, your sake, and the sake of your kids. You don't have anything to lose. You think you do, but you don't. You feel trapped and lost, and that is where you will stay if you don't follow my advice. Please don't end up like my mom. She put up with it for much longer than you have, and divorced in the end anyway (with six children!). She is now remarried and doing 100% better! She let my dad (who I love dearly, by the way) get away with so much bull. She covered for him and did everything but stand on her head to keep the family together. But my dad had issues that he needed to deal with and she enabled him to keep those issues for far to long.

I'm talking about tough love. You have done everything. You can't fix him. You can't make him behave. You can't change him. But you can take a stand for you and your kids and get the courage up to do what is right for you and your family. Move in with someone if you have to, but you need to do this for his sake. You have to leave him. He will just keep doing what he is doing if you don't. I know, you see those glimpses and when he is tender and sober you see the man you married. He is in there, and you want him to come alive. Well, the only way for you to see him come alive is for you to write him "the letter" and leave him. You don't need to file for divorce (yet). Just tell him you are leaving him and the reasons why. Write all of the stuff you are writing to us on this forum. Pour out your heart. Tell him what you want and why. And then tell him you just need to get away for a few weeks and let him figure out what he wants to do. You may need to file for a legal separation if you go much longer than that. It will also protect you financially. But start out with just getting away and getting some counseling for yourself and possibly your kids.

Look in the mirror. What do you see? Where is your life? Where do you want it to be? Where is it going? Do not put up with being helpless, lost and afraid any longer. Do the right thing while you still can and before your kids are hurt any longer.
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