Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
It doesn't shock me at all. Games are highly entertaining. Anymore, they are also effective at social bonding. People have real expectations you'll be there, and there are real emotions at play. It is interactive. It adapts to you.
Most importantly, it is massively convenient. It hardly takes any effort to log on and start playing.
Given the choice between folding socks while watching a chic-flick with the wife versus going online and playing with 30 or so mates begging for my help, she practically made the choice for me.
It really comes down to the player and the ability to recognize and prioritize life. Some just can't see that the game became a higher priority than it should be and that it's a bad choice.
Whether I like it or not, those socks still need to be folded, and my wife and I still need to spend time together to bond.
btw; after 5 years of gaming, 3 of which were "professional" (paid to play), I stopped playing. It really wasn't hard to stop playing the game. It was hard however to give up the prestige and online friendships. There is a part of every person that gets your ego stroked playing that you might not otherwise get in real life. You are the hero online, and just another middle-manager in real life. Online gaming is a great equalizer where age, race, physical prowess, looks, etc. don't really come into play. Not hard at all to see why so many like it.
This topic got me thinking last night. My situation with computer gaming is rare, but did lead to a lot of issues in the marriage. So here’s my story:
I’ve always been a gamer. After getting married, the online gaming scene started to explode. I’d been a casual player (a few nights a week), and I was very, very good. I started into the clan scene to play with other players and get a bit more competitive. Eventually, this got me noticed by a top rated gaming clan and recruited. This substantially changed my gaming habits.
For the record, being on a "professional" team was like being on a real semi-pro sports team. Practice every night starting at 6:00pm and ending at midnight. Match nights were twice to three times a week, and you scrimmed other teams two times a night. And you were expected to play outside practice to hone individual skills (yes, like map spots, pixel aiming, and techniques). You were expected to review the match video and figure out how to improve for the next match on your own time. Then as a team, we’d adjust the strategy and practice. And I was just a bench warmer. Because of my family commitments, I had difficulty with their schedule, so I lost my spot on the lineup and was only brought in as a "specialist" on certain maps... in WoW terms, that's like being the extra healer for certain boss fights, then replaced when that fight is over.
I made sacrifices with gaming for my family. I refused to get on before 8:30 (after the kids were in bed and my chores done), and demanded Fridays and Saturdays for date nights. Due to that, I warmed the bench (I had the skill, but lacked the commitment): It also meant that I wasn't involved in the LANs, didn't get the new computers, wasn't flown to Europe and Asia for competitions, never saw any of the money winnings (over $100k per year), I wasn’t interviewed by 60minutes, I wasn’t invited to the direct-tv broadcast, and I seldom was mentioned or shown in the web cast matches. I could of been a star, but rode the bench instead so I could spend time with my wife and family. But I never got any respect from my wife at home.
My wife never grasped that she was married to a semi-pro “athlete” heavily involved in the “sport” that just happened to get discovered after we got married. To her, I was a geek, a nerd, a boy who needed to grow up, and some “other” choice names thrown at me. She never watched a match. She never met the other players. She never really understood what it was I was doing. She’d demean me in front of family and friends. Once, during a national championship league match, she even went out of her way to mess me up by covering the screen, unplugging the mouse, etc.. So, there’s several thousand viewers watching me play horribly and my teammates having to listen to us yelling and she’s got no clue; my team replaced me at the end of the round. It’s not like I got to play that much as part of the team and she wrecked it. That was a $5k match plus a new HP Blackbird she threw for me. It was severely embarrassing, but she just didn’t care. There wasn’t an ounce of respect and zero support. Worse, is even though I tried to get her to understand, she wouldn’t listen. What I was doing, she didn’t see as anything more than just playing video games... it’s like messing up a game of solitaire to her. “It’s just a game!”
I resent her for not showing any support, but blame myself for choosing gaming instead of just being a normal husband/father. It was hard on the marriage, particularly because she hated the concept of me doing this. It was extremely cool to be involved that deep in the competitive gaming and watching it evolve from minor online leagues to fully sponsored events where big corporate money was being invested in teams and players. I’m not sorry and still wish she would of understood and been a lot more supportive. It was an exciting time, but hardly something you could make a living off of. Even now, I’m not sure my choices would of been any different other than to try a lot harder to get her to see how this gaming evolved from just entertainment, to a real competitive event. She never, and still doesn’t recognize this as a sport. She made me feel really conflicted about it.
So here I am, one of the top players in the world, who’s well known within that gaming genre by thousands of hopeful players, who’s not even allowed to share any of this with the person I love the most. The team is earning enough that we have to form a corporation and file taxes, magazines are writing about us, we have fans, we’re wined and dined by the computer industry, yet at home I’m being made fun of. So it’s both a massive ego boost, and something I’m made to feel ashamed of.
Even though I’ve retired, she still blames that period for everything wrong with us: It is all my fault, it was an “addiction”, it was an “obsession”, I neglected her, I wasn’t supportive, I was a bad father, etc. For me, It’s something I was proud of, I treasure it more than I do my car racing trophies (another hobby I had to quit), I still try and keep in contact with the guys I played with, I treasure the memories, but there’s still a part of me that’s torn and ashamed of this time. So how am I supposed to view this period of my life? Is it a personal treasure most never experience, or is it something I should hide in the closet and be embarrassed about?
I have played games since my dad had bought us a Atari 2600,games have been with me since I was young.I have thought it would be cool to try being "pro" at it to.
However there is a stigma with PC games.People think its for children.
My old WOW guild,(I am now a soloist)was made up almost entirely of over age 27 year olds,we had a couple 40 yr olds to.
I have played with people age 65 or older.
PC games are not childish.
People make millions a year developing these games,if your a good graphics artist you can pull in over $150,000 a year.If you write code even more money is paid out.Does that seem childish?People need to get over their misconceptions of what is truly a sport and what is childish.
@Racer-sounds like she is a bit controlling IMO.Sorry she could not at least try to understand that you were good at it and also MAKING MONEY TO SUPPORT THE FAMILY.Many people do not make a cent playing these games and still go through what you stated above.MOST of the time though it is compounded by other issues and resentments in the marriage.Playing WOW 12 hours a day alone would not break a marriage if everything else was going smoothly.If she has her needs met and the kids are good and money is ok,and those socks got folded.
My wife WANTS me to play,its my outlet,like reading a book.I am a WOW junky,I know the lore really well.I also tend to things my wife needs/wants done.However I have more time then the average person because I am disabled and in pain daily.Its my escape from the pain sometimes.
Don't let the resentment build up towards your wife,she needs to know about it.Calmly explain how you feel,maybe write it in a letter?She needs to understand how you feel and what exactly she cost you.Because by her actions she lost a "Micheal Jordan" of gaming.You also need to realize that maybe other areas of your marriage was being sacrificed for the game.Like I said above if you played 12 hours a day,MOST women would have little trouble with that if everything else was going smoothly.
I think maybe she had other resentment issues and the game was maybe keeping you from addressing these issues so she subconsciously blamed the game.
Anyway to put things into perspective.My need for sex is greater then my need for WOW,Halo,Unreal Tournement...etc.I love my games,but they are just something to do when she is not around.
My addiction to my wife is greater,and I think Racer,you figured that out to.
Games I am currently playing......
WOW x 3 accounts - Have Satellite connection
Evony - neat game kinda like the Stronghold series
2Moons - not logged for about 2 months,hate all the Hackers
Runes Of Magic - I like it alot but has latency issues.Log randomly on Tuesdays when WOW is down
Facebook - LOADS of Farming games....and Fish aquariums.LOL
People make millions a year developing these games,if your a good graphics artist you can pull in over $150,000 a year.If you write code even more money is paid out.Does that seem childish?People need to get over their misconceptions of what is truly a sport and what is childish.
Software development pays well...that's nothing new...gaming software even moreso because of the physics involved. Software development is neither childish or a sport.
I suppose if gaming can actually generate income, I would see it more along the lines of competitive chess, but that has nothing to do with software development.
Both of my sons are gamers. They have their own gaming server and charge admins to pay for the costs...they are both teenagers and have dabbled in game programming and graphics, WoW videos...They both plan to study something related in university & hopefully make a career of it on the other side. I think the prospects are much greater for software developers than gamers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tweak
MOST of the time though it is compounded by other issues and resentments in the marriage.Playing WOW 12 hours a day alone would not break a marriage if everything else was going smoothly.
Really? I cannot imagine being okay with my husband playing computer games 12 hours a day...seems extremely excessive....unless he's earning enough $ from it to support the family.
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~Swedish
No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein
I am kind of in the middle of this issue. I myself and a 21 yr wife and I LOVE video games. I say my age because in 10 yrs I might not have the same opinion. I think its a bit different for my husband and I because we both can play together. However I too can play for hrs bymelf, as does he. We play mainly Halo and Call of Duty. I think that how much someone can play has alot to do with the social aspect of it.
I have people I consider my "friends" on there that I can joke with and play with and have a good time. My husband has the same. Im not really sure where you can draw the line on it being an addiction because I myself have played for and entire day, and I have also not played for weeks and dont really have a issue with either. I guess its a specific persons view on the whole thing....
When my boyfriend and I started dating he got me into WoW - actually he started up again because I expressed an interest in his game playing. (At the time he was playing something else... can't remember what) My boyfriend is exceedingly talented at video games. Even traveled to other countries to play other teams (not for WoW, but other games) and it is a goal in his life to win big.
However, when I stopped playing games - I got bored of WoW with WoLK expansion - I realized that he played a lot, probably because I wasn't playing with him anymore. We found another game to play together, Aion, but we both quit that one. Now he plays WC3 and I am working on school. When I visit him he plays some and spends time with me some. The difference? I like watching him play, it is interesting to me, and I really like seeing how skilled he is.
Though when his game playing gets too much for me to handle (sometimes he can get on a losing streak and play for hours to recover) I come in, lie down on the couch and watch him play for a bit and then propose renting a movie or calling up some friends to go out and get drinks with. I find he is more receptive to my requests if I let him play a reasonable amount of time. His work is stressful and during the week he gets to destress with his games, on the weekends I understand that he wants to chill out and have fun, but we're discovering more thing to do together for fun and destressing than simply playing games.
Maybe make suggestions like this? Family game nights? (Board games!) or get a sitter and have a romantic evening out on the town? Let him do what he wants to within reason and if its not an addiction he'll come around. If not, explain its putting a strain on your relationship and talk about ways to get around this.
my hubby plays xbox live to the point of making me want to scream...we were recently seperated for 6 months and just got back together..while we were aprt he got rid of all games and all but 1 system...said he only played sometimes and with someone..well now that we are back together he had rebought the games and plays all the time..he is layed off and while i am at work he plays the whole 8 hrs...now this was one of the reasons we seperated before..although he disagrees...he was in a major depression and the dr said that he uses games to escape reality...well whta is the problem now? his depression is much much better but why stil the games? i am getting sick of it already..
My H is addicted to video games. He plays all day while I'm at work and still when my daughters and I get home. He's like this big lump on our couch playing video games. He doesn't go to bed with me anymore, he stays up way late. And just the other night, we watched a movie. After it was over, I thought he would be coming to bed to ya know.... And so I'm waiting in bed forever, I get up and yup, he's on the damn PS3. Are you ****ing kidding me!?!
I just miss him. I don't want to take the games out of his life and give him an ultimatum, because it's something he enjoys. And I know that I can't set boundaries because he'll just think that I'm trying to control him.
Express your concerns. Sometimes the party in question doesn't realize how bad it is until someone bluntly points it out.
I'm not what I would classify as a gaming addict, but I'm definitely a gamer. Sometimes when I get a new game, I don't realize I'm playing it as much as I am until my wife points it out to me (although I'm more conscious of it nowadays).
There doesn't have to be an ultimatum of no gaming or I leave, but there can certainly be an expectation to find a happy balance.
Although I'm lucky in that my wife usually goes to bed earlier than I do and doesn't mind if I stay up for a bit playing.
Also, as guys we can be pretty dense about what women want. So if after a movie night you want him to come to bed with you... you could try making it known. Something as simple as 'Shall we head to bed?' followed by a 'I'd really enjoy if you came to bed with me tonight. You can play tomorrow night.' if his answer to the first is 'I was going to play for a bit.'
Re: Video Game Addiction
