Hi all, I noticed this was written some years ago but if I can bring up the discussion again I would appreciate any and all input. I myself have been dealing with my spouses drinking problem for over 5 years. I don't know how much more I can take. He is a functioning alcoholic however for me to see him start drinking every single day after work and come to bed drunk is killing me. He stays in garage and tells me he is "working" on this and that which sometimes is the case but most the time its just an excuse to stay in garage and drink. When he starts feeling a buzz he then starts texting and calling people and 9 times out of 10 one of his buddies always ends up out there with him too. If I show my frustration I am just a B^&*( that he says causes him to drink. If I didn't nag so much he wouldn't drink but even if we are good and theres no arguing nothing changes. No matter what I say nothing changes. He has gotten physical with me in the past but always verbally abuses me. He loses touch of all reality. Sometimes he will even disappear and I have no clue where he went. He will either call a cab or he will walk to a particular buddies house that I cannot stand because he is a true alcoholic among other things that I know he does (drugs) I have told my spouse I do not want him here and he is not welcome. When my spouse is sober he is a totally different person but unfortunately I don't see that side of him very often these days. I went 2 weeks without speaking to him after one night of him getting drunk and busting my windshield with his fist because he was out of control. He passed out one night and as I was walking to my car to get something his phone was laying in middle of driveway. I had this awful gut feeling that if I looked in it I would be heartbroken. Well I did and he was sending messages to one of his employees who is married telling her how sexy she was and that he was hor&**ny..... I couldn't believe my eyes. My heart was in my stomach. I confronted him the next day and he got very angry and said he was drunk and doesn't remember which brings me to ask what other times has he been drunk and done something he doesn't remember. The only other incident in the 9 years we have been together was around the same time as this event when I found numerous emails he was sending out from craigslist evidentaly he was looking in the personals sections for one night stands and was replying to them. He sent out about 10 but never got a response they were all outgoing but none were replied to. Those 2 incidences has really caused me to be insecure about our relationship. He accuses me of things that only he has gotten caught doing (referring to the 2 incidences above) We have since talked and agreed to start over and to never betray or be hurtful in any way again. Well his drinking hasn't changed. I get very mad and let him know when hes out there drinking because all I can think of is him betraying me on his phone and he will make me look at it to prove hes not doing anything wrong. I am just so tired of the drinking and I know that he will never give it up. WE have 2 kids who are teenagers and they don't seem to be bothered by it. THey will laugh at him at times because he can be a fun person when drunk but I just cant stand to see it so that's why we continue to have issues. He will say he knows he drinks too much and will slow down but it just never happens. I am sorry this is so long. I am so lost and feel so alone. Is anyone else going through this or been through similar and if so what did you do to get them to change. I know that he has to want to but I don't see the "wanting" ever happening. His dad drinks all the time too. He owns a business and has someone running it so he is able to sleep in and have no consequences at all. HElp
Your love is not going to change him, nor any of your actions. His problem goes further than you have the capacity to change or help. By staying, you allow and accept this behavior.
If all he has done is not enough, how much farther will it have to go? When he beats you, when he gets arrested? Where are you going to draw the line?
It is not your job to save him, but his own. If you have not yet noticed, you are in a cycle, a hamster running on a wheel but getting nowhere. You are doing the same thing and expecting something different.
You need help for yourself. You should only be taking care of you and your needs. Please find a support group to help you deal.
Once you learn about his problems, you will learn that the best thing you can do is separate and become safe to protect yourself.
It took my father going to jail, and my suicide attempt before he hit rock bottom. Do not sacrifice yourself and love yourself not to allow another person to treat you this way. You are a victim.
Love yourself more than this. You have to detach and look at the facts, not listen to your feelings, they have kept you trapped.
Love is a neutral drive. You know that you are not married to what society would deem a good person, but love is blind. You need to take love out of the equation because it will keep you drawn to him.
You also have a draw to save him, to cure him, and bring him back. You probably feel that if you can help him through this, that you can bring back the man you love. Things are not that simple. He may not be the man you fell in love with again. Odds are, the alcohol has changed his brain physically. He may need it for the rest of his life just to operate. The man you loved may be gone.
The only way to find out is to detach and find support. If he is going to change, it will take a long time to do so. and this may be a lifetime battle for him.