My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 09-18-2009, 02:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Unhappy My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Hi,
I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house.

Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he starts his man bull crap about how he pays for everything... blah, blah, blah. (I run my own business online. Through the week I make items and I go out and physically sell them on the weekends). He doesn't want to hear about the money I contribute only what he does. I make more in one day than he does in almost a week. But that is beside the point. Anyway he starts ranting and raving in the car and grabbed the wheel and tried to run us off the road. Then he grabbed my arm and hit me. I was in shock. He has never done anything like that before. The only way I could get him to let go was by punching him in the face. I have never hit anyone in my life. Then he threw his wedding ring out the car window and made me stop and he got out and started walking home. I went and got our friend and he helped me get him home.

The next day he sobered up and was sorry and cried and apologized to me. But I just can't forgive him for throwing his wedding ring away or for hurting me. I love him so much but I feel like I'm not even married anymore. I do not know what to do. He said that if he has to stop going to (Neil's) house he will if that is what I want. But if I tell him o.k then he will just feel like I am smothering him and get made anyways. We are not kids. He is 45 and I am late 30's. I am so sorry this is so long. I am at my wits end and do not know what I should do. Any advice would really help me. Thank you.
7yrwife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-18-2009, 03:12 PM   #2 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,400
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Accept his gracious offer of not going over Neil's house anymore. And then ask him to reflect on why Neil has had such a bad influence on his behavior.
dobo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-19-2009, 04:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 31
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

I think you should demand answers from him regarding his extreme behavior issues when he goes to hang out with his buddy. There is obviously something more to this, and after the way his out of control drunkenness lashed out on you, you deserve honest answers.

I am dealing with a husband that is a habitual drinker (after reading the forums here, I now refer to him as a 'functional alcoholic'). Being on the receiving end of his under-the-influence behavior, it continues to create wedges between not only us, but our two teenager kids as well. It's something I still struggle with, and I've found out that being vocal and standing my ground has gained me a bit of progress (for lack of a better word).

Your husband's physical attack on you is assault - and he jeopardized BOTH of your lives with his antics in the car. I hope the two of you are able to communicate your way through this mess. Given it only happens when he's with his buddy, I think it stands a chance of improving if he simply agrees to halt his socializing with Neil.

I wish you well with finding solutions to your issues with him.
Hispetal is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-19-2009, 08:41 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
mea_3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The US
Posts: 67
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yrwife View Post
Hi,
I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house.

Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he starts his man bull crap about how he pays for everything... blah, blah, blah. (I run my own business online. Through the week I make items and I go out and physically sell them on the weekends). He doesn't want to hear about the money I contribute only what he does. I make more in one day than he does in almost a week. But that is beside the point. Anyway he starts ranting and raving in the car and grabbed the wheel and tried to run us off the road. Then he grabbed my arm and hit me. I was in shock. He has never done anything like that before. The only way I could get him to let go was by punching him in the face. I have never hit anyone in my life. Then he threw his wedding ring out the car window and made me stop and he got out and started walking home. I went and got our friend and he helped me get him home.

The next day he sobered up and was sorry and cried and apologized to me. But I just can't forgive him for throwing his wedding ring away or for hurting me. I love him so much but I feel like I'm not even married anymore. I do not know what to do. He said that if he has to stop going to (Neil's) house he will if that is what I want. But if I tell him o.k then he will just feel like I am smothering him and get made anyways. We are not kids. He is 45 and I am late 30's. I am so sorry this is so long. I am at my wits end and do not know what I should do. Any advice would really help me. Thank you.
Sounds to me like your husband has a drinking problem and needs help. Is he willing to admit that?
mea_3 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-21-2009, 08:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 49
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Your husband is or sounds like an alcoholic. the only way he is going to change his behaviour is if he admits that he has a problem. He might not because they have so many excuses to try and convince themselves that they dont have a problem. The thing is if it is ruining your relationship, its a problem. Sad to say but until he knows he has a drinking issue, he wont change. If he realises he does then he needs to do something about it. Its going to be a long hard road ahead but you have to stand your ground. Tell him its unacceptable and that he must do something. The sooner he gets help, the better for the both of you. And he will unfortunately have to say "cheers" to the buddie of his as well. he wont get over his drinking problem if he still associates himself with other drinkers.
shelleyv is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-21-2009, 02:19 PM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Thank you all so much for your comments. They are really helping me. My husband and I have been having a lot of heart-to-heart talks about what happened that night. I told him I think he had a good idea about not going over to (Neil's) house anymore. At least until we can all find out why he acts like he does over there. My husband says that they start watching football and are talking and just keep drinking not realizing how much they have drank. I have told my husband before that I believe (Neil) is an alcoholic but I just do not know about my husband. He doesn't even drink unless he is over there that is what is confusing me. We are going to try and work everything out. My husband is a great guy until he goes over there so maybe staying away from him for a while will be a good thing. Let me know if you think I am on the right track and again thank you all so much. I was feeling so alone and your advice has helped me be a lot stronger.
7yrwife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-21-2009, 02:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
Moderator
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Near Chicago
Posts: 3,306
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yrwife View Post
I told him I think he had a good idea about not going over to (Neil's) house anymore.
I think you are on the right track...and I liked your wording here...let him 'own' this idea as he is the one who suggested it.
swedish is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-21-2009, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,400
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Your husband sounds like a binge drinker, not an alcoholic. But binge drinking has its own hazards as you've seen. It is also particularly hard on the body. His lack of awareness of how much he's been consuming is the real gotcha here. He could get himself really sick (or dead) this way! Not to mention what it has done to his family.
dobo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-21-2009, 10:11 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 31
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by dobo View Post
Your husband sounds like a binge drinker, not an alcoholic.
I will respectfully disagree with this, only because 7yrwife has explained that he doesn't drink unless he goes to this friends' house. A true binge drinker is a regular consumer of alcohol, and then in social situations becomes out of control and irresponsible with handling their liquor (with a variety of consequences to follow).

7yrwife, I do think you may be on the right track with communicating about it. I do believe there are addictive personalities out in the world who have strange influences upon others. If he can make a vow to discontinue socializing with his friend, then in turn give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to prove himself to you.

Good luck!
Hispetal is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-22-2009, 10:51 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 12
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Ive been somewhat in your position only when i met my husband I was 19 and he was 22 he was out at the bars all the time and obviously i couldnt go he said it was my choice to stay home...not that I was not LEGALLY ABLE TO GO. anyways we fought a LOT eventually all his DUI"S caught up to him and he went to jail for four months four monthat that happened to be the first four months of my prgnancy with our first son. when he got back he talked about how much he changed and he never wanted to drink again and wanted new friends blah blha blah-- a week later he went to a friends and got drunk and didnt come home.
he didnt drink again for a long time till about 6 months after our son was born he did good that night stopped once he was buzzed so i thought he could handle going out to the bars with me [ by this time i had turned 21] I rarely went out maybe 2 times a month. we went out for my friends birthday he got so drunk he made both my friends cry for being such a jerk- by the time we left i was sober and he wouldnt let me drive i had a panic attack on the drive home b/c i thought we ere going to wreck and/or die. luckily we made it home- [after he cursed out the burgerking drive thru girl and insisted they didnt spit in our food] --i didnt eat it- we got home and **** hit the fan he broke my cell phone and pinned me in the bathroom even to the point that the door broke off door frame and all i ran to the bedroom and he pinned me behind the fdoor this whole time i was screaming ur scaring me get away and he just stood there. finally he left and went to the neighbors and called the police ONE ME [ i know right?] well he got taken to jail for being drunk on probation and keeping me from being able to dial 911.... almost a year went by with no more outburst . but i still dont trust him to drink almost a year went by then two more. not nearly as severe. So far ive only justified it as being ok is because NONE of these incedents have ever happend when our son was with us he doesnt drink when we are all together[ thank god] and recently after an argument on my birthday we'ce decided that neither of us are drinking again.
its only been 2 months and with the holidays coming up we'll see how this goes.
I hope your situation is lightened . my only advice is either ask to go with your husband and JOin in on the activities of hanging out[ not the drinking] and maybe with you being there he wont drinka as much- or keep the hang out nights on week nights he'll be less likey to drink if he has to work. and also since he mentioned the money i think you should both sit down and have a serious talk about it cause he probably thinks about it alot and it will just build up more and more
MsDani is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-17-2010, 06:10 PM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 2
Default

[QUOTE=7yrwife;88053]Hi,
I have never posted here before but after what happened last Saturday night I need some advice. My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years. I have only been married to him and I love him with all my heart. However, we have a friend that everytime my husband goes over to his house, my husband gets so drunk that he doesen't know what he is doing. This has happened twice before. My husband does not call me when he is over there and once he didn't come home until the next day. My husband only does this when he goes to this person's house.

Anyway this past Saturday I had to work and my husband tells me he is going over to (Neil's) house. I expressed my concern about him going over there but he said he would be home when I got home. I came home at 7:00pm he's not there. I waited until 10:45pm and called (Neil's) cell. No answer. I go over there. About an hour trip. There he is drunk again and cannot drive. After I finally got him in the car we started arguing. Then he start
Posted via Mobile Device
stresslady is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-18-2010, 05:03 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
InnerGold's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Utah
Posts: 36
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hispetal View Post
If he can make a vow to discontinue socializing with his friend, then in turn give him the benefit of the doubt and allow him to prove himself to you.
If he has never given you a reason to not trust him, I agree give him the benefit of the doubt.

When someone gets into these behaviors, they cannot think rationally, especially with alcohol. That is why he was so emotional the next morning because he remembered parts of what happened or sees a bruise.

Unfortunately, addictive behaviors limit the rational thinking and abuse occurs.

Loss of Control: (hence, throwing wedding ring out the window)
In this state the person experiences a sense of loss of control. All attempts at stopping the acting out behavior, regardless of commitments, fail, and it literally feels as if something else is in control.

Negative Consequences:
Soon after a person experiences loss of control, it is common for negative consequences to begin to unfold. The weight of the addiction begins to wear one down. It requires tremendous energy to live this double life. It is common for an addict to live in constant fear of being found out or caught. For many, it is a spouse that will find evidence of the addiction and begin the confrontation. It is also common for those who are confronted with indisputable evidence to minimize it and swear that it will never happen again. But a person in this phase can no longer ignore the reality of negative consequences that are following their addictive behaviors.

It sounds like he is willing to get help and listen to you. This is a wonderful thing. You can read many posts on this forum where the husband won't even listen to the spouse.

Last edited by InnerGold; 03-18-2010 at 05:12 PM. Reason: added additional paragraph
InnerGold is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-19-2010, 10:57 AM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 7
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

Oh 7yrwife - I feel soooooo sorry for you!

At first my H only hung around those "certain" people also. He would sneak out in the middle of the night - hoping I wouldn't know! I would get angry and hate THEM (some were family members that I tried to exclude him from for this reason) - then I realized that if it wasn't them it would be someone else because that's what an alcoholic does. They surround themselves around others like them. It's a start for him to not hang out with "Neil" ...but do you think it will change? It sounds like he needs help - and all you can give is support! Is it worth a life of he!!? I still am not part of his family today because I "don't drink"....

My H has also has lied, sneaked, borrowed, begged - whatever he had to to get his drink. I too have been through this for a long time and I can tell you from my experience that time and patience doesn't make it better! To this day he still ignores my calls and texts - and has included all his "friends" in on the deceit as well. When that happens I know he's up to no good!

I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make!
MissBhaven is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 03-19-2010, 12:13 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
InnerGold's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Utah
Posts: 36
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

7yr, your husband sounds like a good man, willing and recognizing there is a problem. Have him watch these videos: YouTube - Addiction Presentation to learn about how the alcohol is affecting his brain and rational thinking. It sounds like he would be willing from since he is talking to you.

Again, unlike a lot of other spouses, he seems like he is willing to do what it takes, even give up a long time friend (that needs help). Maybe, through your husband's courage and willingness to leave this friend, your husband maybe able to help his friend recognize he has a problem. His friends wife (if married) must be an absolute basket case.
InnerGold is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-11-2010, 08:25 AM   #15 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 6
Default Re: My Husband's Drinking Is About To Distroy Our Marriage

It really does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. In talking to him you may want to find out about his past and if he ever struggled with alcohol before, that could provide you both with some answers.
My bf is a recovering alcoholic. He's been a drinker his whole adult life and his family are all alcoholics. He had a bad childhood, his dad was a very mean, abusive drunk. My bf was mean when he drank to.
He tried sobreity for about 6 months and went back to drinking. It got progressively worse. He went from freaking out and hitting walls, or objects to 1 day grabbing me up by the throat. I split for a while after that and came back after all the apologies and promises. Needless to say it still got worse. My breaking point was 10 months ago, we went to his buddies and hung out, I never drank and he got smashed. There was another guy there talking to me about his wife and my bf flipped out telling me I wanted to sleep with that guy.
We left and partway down the road he went crazy. At 1 point he got out of the car and I left him. But I went back and got him. He punched me in the face and took my phone. He threatened to kill me. I left that night but he followed me.
He was apologizing and acting sorry. In the morning I told him it was enough, either he stopped drinking or I was gone for good. He's not picked up a drink since. He had to alter his life and quit hanging out with his friends but he knew it was bad and the time was then to quit. It's been a long road but I've stuck by him and its worth it.
I hope that you and your husband can work this out now and that it doesn't progress. For your safety and your families you need to stand your ground. Let him know what you expect but make sure he knows he's not alone. Good luck to you both.
Posted via Mobile Device
Trouble is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Think my drinking ruined my marriage Jemm Relationships and Addiction 19 03-31-2013 10:11 PM
At wits end with binge drinking husband isthisnormal Relationships and Addiction 16 03-13-2012 01:45 AM
Wife drinking and affecting our marriage doctordepressed General Relationship Discussion 24 01-11-2012 03:15 AM
My Husbands Drinking is ruining our marriage. I'm fed up. resp123 Relationships and Addiction 15 08-11-2011 07:58 AM
Drinking, ex BF & marriage christina Physical & Mental Health Issues 8 10-30-2008 11:09 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:00 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.