Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Hi, I will tell you upfront that my H is a daily pot smoker and that bothers me tremendously. We've been together for 8 years, married for 7. I grew up with it in my home and did not want my children to grow up this way. I told him that when I was pregnant the first time and he said he understood. Many years of lying/hiding and blatantly ignoring my feelings regarding this issue have passed. He would come home from work high, be high on the weekends, and just as soon as the kids would be in bed, he'd smoke. I've probably had 2 months total time with him not high. It really started to bother me 3 years ago because I felt that he could not be with me sober, like he needed the high to spend time with me and our children. I was at home all day long, and would have loved adult conversation after the kids went to bed, but we all know what pot does....it would put him in a daze, uncommunicative, unable to listen and actually hear what I had to say. I began to feel very unimportant to him. The sad thing is I've always felt that way a bit but this was making it worse. I decided not to ask him to quit, as I thought that would be unfair to him. So I would explain my hurt to him (my triggers from childhood), wanting to feel heard, appreciated, cared for etc., and asked him to compromise with me. At first it was can you only smoke a couple times a week. Well that didn't do anything. He'd still be high every day. (just so you know, he works for a large company and is high management, excellent career). So a few months later after being hurt he couldn't compromise to that, I asked him to smoke only after the kids went to bed, not come home high, don't smoke during the weekend days, and to spend at least an hour with me before smoking. Not bad, still he could smoke every day, but at least be involved in family matters, relationship matters. Didn't work. Wouldn't compromise. I was extremely hurt by his attitude of not caring for me at all. First he would lie about it if I asked if he smoked (I can always tell when he does), and I'd say what do you think I'm stupid? Then he'd fess up, and say he didn't lie, that he just admitted it, so that isn't lying.
This summer things got bad. I couldn't take it anymore. I realized that I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by my husband. How awful it felt being married yet feeling so damn lonely. I have a husband who does not regard my feelings. I've tried everything. I'm the one who wants things to get better, no trying on his part. So early summer, this was it again. We were going to get divorced. The pot smoking had become a non issue, there were many more than that. But that's what he made it about. He came to me one day after a month of not talking saying that he was going to quit, he'd realized what it had done to our relationship, and that he was almost 40 and ready. He wanted more for us. I tried to explain to him that pot really didn't have anything to do with it anymore (that was the early days) but it was ringing in my head. I heard this before, and nothing changed ever. Am I willing to listen again, and try to make things work? I needed time to think. I pretty much spent the whole summer with my kids and my family, doing what I wanted to do. I felt happy, I was spending time with my family which I hadn't done much of, I was enjoying life again. I met up with some high school friends and listened to their horror stories of divorce, and decided that I could not go through that. I came to him, told him that this time things would really need to change for us to work. He started smoking again a week after making that promise. I booked a weekend marriage workshop and we were on our way. Workshop went awesome! We learned to communicate our feelings, learned to empathize with one another it was just awesome. I hadn't felt that healthy about our relationship ever. Even he was saying the same thing. Two weeks after the workshop, things went back to normal. He began smoking every day, ignorning me, and started FaceBooking.
I asked him when was he going to start compromising with me regarding smoking, and he said soon, very soon. Well that was 3 weeks ago, he's already bought it twice, yesterday for $80 and I found out this morning when I was checking our bank account. He went to bring stuff to the dump this morning and when he came back he was high. ARghhhh! Please help!
My husband is a recovering drug addict. He has been clean for 5 years. He did not just smoke pot. He used anything he could get his hands on. If I could have made him quit he would have quit a long time ago. I prayed, begged, yelled, fussed, left him a few times, filed for divorce (dropped it later), turned him in to the police and loads of other really stupid things. I tried everything in my power to make him do what I wanted him to do. Nothing worked because he was not willing. He did not want to quit and until an addict is ready it is not going to happen. He was in rehab four different times but was there for me and the kids not for himself. He was trying to get back in the house. His last run was a week long bing and was having a crack induced stroke. I took him to the hospital were he stayed a week then to a rehab hospital for another 4 weeks. It took him almost losing his life to get enough. I had to learn to let him go and be happy with me whether he was using or not. I could only control me. No matter what you do to try to get him to stop he is not going to until he is ready. I hate giving this advise because I know it is the hardest advise to take.
I smoked a lot as a teen. Everyone I know who kept smoking pot daily ended up changing. They became paranoid and lost their ambition/became lazy and apathetic. It also seemed to hurt their memory.
I really think it messes up brain chemistry.
In the first couple years it made me relax and feel euphoric. At the end it no longer even helped me feel good.
Quote:
Originally Posted by alytamave
Hi, I will tell you upfront that my H is a daily pot smoker and that bothers me tremendously. We've been together for 8 years, married for 7. I grew up with it in my home and did not want my children to grow up this way. I told him that when I was pregnant the first time and he said he understood. Many years of lying/hiding and blatantly ignoring my feelings regarding this issue have passed. He would come home from work high, be high on the weekends, and just as soon as the kids would be in bed, he'd smoke. I've probably had 2 months total time with him not high. It really started to bother me 3 years ago because I felt that he could not be with me sober, like he needed the high to spend time with me and our children. I was at home all day long, and would have loved adult conversation after the kids went to bed, but we all know what pot does....it would put him in a daze, uncommunicative, unable to listen and actually hear what I had to say. I began to feel very unimportant to him. The sad thing is I've always felt that way a bit but this was making it worse. I decided not to ask him to quit, as I thought that would be unfair to him. So I would explain my hurt to him (my triggers from childhood), wanting to feel heard, appreciated, cared for etc., and asked him to compromise with me. At first it was can you only smoke a couple times a week. Well that didn't do anything. He'd still be high every day. (just so you know, he works for a large company and is high management, excellent career). So a few months later after being hurt he couldn't compromise to that, I asked him to smoke only after the kids went to bed, not come home high, don't smoke during the weekend days, and to spend at least an hour with me before smoking. Not bad, still he could smoke every day, but at least be involved in family matters, relationship matters. Didn't work. Wouldn't compromise. I was extremely hurt by his attitude of not caring for me at all. First he would lie about it if I asked if he smoked (I can always tell when he does), and I'd say what do you think I'm stupid? Then he'd fess up, and say he didn't lie, that he just admitted it, so that isn't lying.
This summer things got bad. I couldn't take it anymore. I realized that I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved by my husband. How awful it felt being married yet feeling so damn lonely. I have a husband who does not regard my feelings. I've tried everything. I'm the one who wants things to get better, no trying on his part. So early summer, this was it again. We were going to get divorced. The pot smoking had become a non issue, there were many more than that. But that's what he made it about. He came to me one day after a month of not talking saying that he was going to quit, he'd realized what it had done to our relationship, and that he was almost 40 and ready. He wanted more for us. I tried to explain to him that pot really didn't have anything to do with it anymore (that was the early days) but it was ringing in my head. I heard this before, and nothing changed ever. Am I willing to listen again, and try to make things work? I needed time to think. I pretty much spent the whole summer with my kids and my family, doing what I wanted to do. I felt happy, I was spending time with my family which I hadn't done much of, I was enjoying life again. I met up with some high school friends and listened to their horror stories of divorce, and decided that I could not go through that. I came to him, told him that this time things would really need to change for us to work. He started smoking again a week after making that promise. I booked a weekend marriage workshop and we were on our way. Workshop went awesome! We learned to communicate our feelings, learned to empathize with one another it was just awesome. I hadn't felt that healthy about our relationship ever. Even he was saying the same thing. Two weeks after the workshop, things went back to normal. He began smoking every day, ignorning me, and started FaceBooking.
I asked him when was he going to start compromising with me regarding smoking, and he said soon, very soon. Well that was 3 weeks ago, he's already bought it twice, yesterday for $80 and I found out this morning when I was checking our bank account. He went to bring stuff to the dump this morning and when he came back he was high. ARghhhh! Please help!
Regardless, of what you do, as you have obviously learned, you cannot make someone stop any addiction, as only they are capable of doing that, and they will quit ONLY if/when they decide to.
Have you discussed his addiction with anyone he is close to? You could get his friends and relatives involved and conduct an intervention, which may or may not be the solution. If you want your relationship to work, you have to dedicate yourself to the long haul, and it can become veeery long and difficult.
May I add that he will be 40 this year and has been a daily smoker since he was 15, so that is a lot of years! Do you think that him smoking this long would cause him to be sort of depressive, lacking motivation and emotionless? Also, this weekend he told me that even though he bought, he was going to make a deal, and only smoke on the weekend nights. I told him that HE is the one saying this, and not to make a deal with me unless he can stick to it. We'll see, as he was pleasantly high all weekend long!
laughsalot, I'm sorry that he had to go through that to change. It does suck. Sometimes I find myself wishing he'd get pulled over, get caught with the stuff so he'd be arrested, hoping that would make him quit. So did you and your husband get divorced? You said that you had to let him go to make you happy? I'm so tired of the power this stuff has over our relationship and family
We are still together. We have been together for 14 years. I was in it for the long haul. It is really good now. He can be selfish at times like not helping out as much as I would like. But I don't have very many complaints at all. I am not the perfect partner either. He is a great father and provider. I had to stop trying to take care of him and take care of me. I was running after him and trying to control him like he was one of my children. It was like he was addicted to drugs and I was addicted to him. For me letting go of him was the best thing that I could do for the both of us.
Hmmm, you were addicted to him. Wow, I think this is an a-ha moment for me. Just maybe I'm addicted to trying to fix our marriage, addicted to searching for love from him. How did you find the strength to let that go and find yourself? I've been a SAHM for the past 7 years and have completely lost myself in this marriage. I don't know who I am anymore, nor do I know what I want, like etc. I'm just depressed now and feel like there is nothing for me to do anymore. All I want is support from H, but he's not there for me. I don't know what to do anymore.
I started with reading the book "Codependents No More". It is very very hard to let go and not concentrate on something that has been your main focus for so long. I had to learn how to let go. It did not all happen in one day. But if I can do it you can do it. Do you have hobbies outside of the home that do not involve him? It helps to have something else to put your focus on. Also, are there any Alanon, Naranon or CoDA meetings in your area? Those help also. You will have a support group of people going through the same thing you are.
I've read Codependant No More! That was an incredible book and it did change the way I lived, unfortunately I was 22 when I read it, so it was 13 years ago and apparently I forgot how not to be co-dependant. I must read it again, thank you for the reminder!
No I don't have hobbies, I don't even know what I'd like to do anymore I'm in the process of trying to figure out what I'd like to be when I grow up ( ) and that is just adding to the frustration. My kids are all off at school now full time for the first year ever, I'm home alone all day long. I feel almost like empty nest syndrome too.
I only have one friend around here and she has 2 toddlers so it's hard to get out with her
Maybe you could volunteer at the school or even get a part time job there. Substitute teacher maybe. Just something to get you busy during the day and out of the house. What did you think about the meetings?
My brother-in-law is a pot smoker, he got in with the wrong crowd and started bringing it into his mom's house. She called me while he was gone and asked if my H and I would come down and call the law for her, she couldn't bring herself to do it. We went through his room and found baggies with seeds in them, but not enough to have charges pressed. He had a partial joint inside the plastic end of a pen.. I called the law, but nothin was done, there wasn't enough there for them to arrest him.
He still to this day, smokes pot, he swears there's nothing wrong with it, says it doesn't hurt anyone and that it should be legal. I disagree with him, and refuse to let him in my house near my kid if hes high.
My only advice to you is to get your kids out of that environment, if he gets caught, and they find pot in you home and you know he has it there, then the state can take them from you, and have you arrested for child endangerment, at least that's what here works here.
You cant change someone that doesnt want to change. I learned that the hard way. My H was an addict... an addict to video games.. he finally realized enough was enough when our son asked to go fishin and he told him no, cause he didnt have the money cause he was payin for the online game.
I hope everything works out for you, I know its got to be hard.
Maybe you could volunteer at the school or even get a part time job there. Substitute teacher maybe. Just something to get you busy during the day and out of the house. What did you think about the meetings?
After you suggested the meetings I have begun to really think about it. Last night was awful and he's already forgotten the deal he made with me. Meaning he's smoked every night since he said he would only smoke on the weekend nights. Last night he didn't even want to come to bed with me because he knew it would give him an opportunity to smoke while I was asleep (thinking in his mind that well at least I'm not smoking with her around). I called him out on it, he got pissed, turned it around on me and I told him, don't even turn this around on me, I'm not the one who made the deal, or heck, even asked for the deal. At that moment I felt a little strong and went and journalized it.
I'm wondering, do I give him the ultimatum of that or me and our family? I've never done that before, but I just can't keep forgetting his lies, his deceit. I'm afraid after all these years he's taken every bit of trust I have and I won't have any left.
He still to this day, smokes pot, he swears there's nothing wrong with it, says it doesn't hurt anyone and that it should be legal. I disagree with him, and refuse to let him in my house near my kid if hes high.
Thank you for sharing. My husband swears to this very same thing. It does not harm, does not ruin his life (hello what about our 7 year marriage?), it should be legal. It's like drinking a cup of coffee for some he even says! HELLLLLO does he not realize that coffee is not a mind altering drug???? It drives me insane! After almost 25 years of smoking I'd be my life that his lack of emotions, feelings, motivation etc, are all to blame because of this damn drug.
Addicts are very good at making deals that they never intend to do. My husband was a master manipulator. Do not make any ultimatums that you are not willing to back up. If you say you are going to do this if he does that then you have to be willing to stand behind it or he will know he can do anything and nothing will happen. I did that. I made huge ultimatums but never did anything until I really got enough. I look back and it is amazing to me what it took for me to get enough. I think you are right about his lack of emotions, etc. I really believe it is because of that drug. Amber is also right about the state taking your kids if he gets busted in your home and you knew about it. That is the way it is in my state. He was never ever aloud to be alone with our kids and I was constantly searching my house for drugs. What a way to live.
I had a conversation on here with a proud pot head defending his way. Look it up, too funny. Although pot isn't crack or cocaine it still is damaging as obviously pointed out here.
Addicted husband..what to do? Pot 
