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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Addiction » Online chatting

Relationships and Addiction Whether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.

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Old 10-16-2009, 11:33 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I have a question for men. I have found some very explicit conversations my husband has with other women online. Upon me approaching him with this information; he has vehemently denied it. He says that "the emails are old" none of the emails are old but that's what he says. And then he says what was I doing in his email ,and that I have no business being in his email!!! What does this mean? My husband has promised me that he would stop this behavior ,but time after time, after time, and again; I catch him. And it is making me so angry.
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Old 10-16-2009, 11:57 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Kayla, it sounds like underneath that anger is a lot of hurt, betrayal, lack of trust, fear, and pain. I am so sorry! Your husband is in the midst of a relatively serious addiction. When men get invovled in sexual addictions, they are seeking to have their emotional needs met through sexual means. You have to know, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS BEHAVIORS. Even if there are things that you need to improve on in your relationship with him, he is ultimately responsible for his own decisions.

Spouses who are confronted about their addictive behaviors will often get defensive, lie, and then make it out to be as if you are the bad guy in the situation. The truth is, your husband is hurting and is trying to get his needs met through these explicit conversations he is having. It is very sad that he doesn't feel like he can turn to you to have his needs met. When the time is right, approach him calmly and let him know that you are willing to listen to anything he needs to talk to you about. If there comes a point where he opens up to you about this addiction, don't get mad at him, but try and find it in yourself to love him. I would suggest writing your hurt feelings in a journal or diary. Get these feelings out in your journal. You do not have to share this journal with your husband, nor do you need to hide it. It could be very beneficial if he was "snooping" around and read some of your feelings about this situation in your journal.

Again, I am so sorry. Good luck!
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Old 10-17-2009, 12:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. This has truly helped me. I am so broken inside that I can't even explain. I want out so bad , but my son loves him dearly. Thank you, your advice was very refreshing and most needed. God bless you.
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Old 10-18-2009, 07:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Online chatting

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Originally Posted by Riverside MFT View Post
The truth is, your husband is hurting and is trying to get his needs met through these explicit conversations he is having.
What does this mean exactly? Nothing against your words, it's just that I've seen this before when it comes to "anything addiction", but in this particular scenario, we're talking about a guy who enjoys chatting in depth with women online... The only thing I see that he's making up for with these chats are talking dirty with strangers, which he can't do because he's married.

He's doing more than just chatting naughty with these woman, he's lying about it too. "those are old"... then he tries to reflect the issue... "what are doing looking through those anyway?"...

Typical of someone who needs to be set straight and reminded that's he's married.
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Old 02-14-2013, 04:18 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Old 02-14-2013, 04:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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You have right to be angry and you should express it! Denial is an alarm and you should do something about it.

It is quite possible that your husband is addicted to sex, porn and similar - and you have to understand you can not control his addiction and behaviour at all.

You need to care for yourself and give him an ultimate. You deserve full functioning marriage, you deserve all attention from your husband, you deserve much better! if he is not willing to give it, than make some serious step in your life.
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Old 02-17-2013, 03:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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It means your husband is cheating on you.
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Old 03-19-2013, 01:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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if he is not even honest about the situation.. then you have a big problem.. It depends on your relationship if having an experience like this maybe just something he wanted to try, but it is nothing serious... and he could just tell you that and maybe say that he was sorry.., but he is denied it.. then it is maybe something serious happening with the other person.
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Old 07-01-2013, 11:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I am going through a similar thing been with my husband for almost 4 years married 2 . I knew my husband watch porn once and awhile and watch it with him and to me that is ok if it is togeither and you both want to .. but I have come to relize my husband has an addiction to porn .. he goes on the amature sites where women post nude photos daily. and he chats almost daily mostly with other men about there wives or me. I am trying to deal with it but it has made me more insecure then I have ever been. I just don't get it our sex is good I am an attractive fit women and a good wife.. but I just feel that no matter what I do it will never be enouph ..that I will never be enouph. when I tell him how it makes me feel he makes me feel like I am just being insecure .
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:27 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Tinyblonde View Post
I am going through a similar thing been with my husband for almost 4 years married 2 . I knew my husband watch porn once and awhile and watch it with him and to me that is ok if it is togeither and you both want to .. but I have come to relize my husband has an addiction to porn .. he goes on the amature sites where women post nude photos daily. and he chats almost daily mostly with other men about there wives or me. I am trying to deal with it but it has made me more insecure then I have ever been. I just don't get it our sex is good I am an attractive fit women and a good wife.. but I just feel that no matter what I do it will never be enouph ..that I will never be enouph. when I tell him how it makes me feel he makes me feel like I am just being insecure .
Tiny,
I'm a recovering addict that spent a lot of time chatting online with women, and also had some compulsivity with looking at porn but chatting was my main problem. I did all the addict behaviours, denying, hiding, lying, and eventually I got hooked into an emotional affair that resulted in me leaving my wife. Our marriage was probably doomed anyway, there were a lot of problems we couldn't solve and it wasn't only my fault, but I did eventually seek help for my addiction and I'm glad I did.

It sounds to me like your husband has a problem and he won't seek help until he "hits bottom." I recommend you seek counseling for yourself and get a professional perspective. Sex and love addiction can be very dangerous.

Wishing you the best of luck.
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Old 07-08-2013, 11:39 AM   #12 (permalink)
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He needs to held accountable for hie actions/behaviors. If that doesn't work, then you will need to figure out what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage and allow in your life.
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Old 12-24-2013, 05:34 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm feel really sorry for you. The besr solution is conversation, but I'm afraid that's not the end of it.
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Old 12-26-2013, 07:56 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I was doing this too. On off for a few years. My wife and I had little sex and the emotion was gone. So I replaced her with online chatting. I was so wrong to do this. She was very hurt and we almost split up a month ago. I realized I had an issue and have done IC. Along with MC with her.

We are on the road to recovery here. I was going to move out. It was a rough four months. I have not looked at porn and chatted at all. Zero. You can beat this but it takes teamwork.
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