skalways

I have an awesome husband that treats me like a queen, but he has one problem that is going to drive us apart. He chews tobacco and doesnt spit but swallows it all. I have asked him many times to quit because it is so unhealthy and we have looked on the internet about what is in chew and all the cancer pictures. At the time he says "wow i need to quit" but......
He told me he was going to try and he told me that he did and how some days were so hard for him. I was right there by his side and loved him and gave him a pep talk. While I noticed that he was coughing more at nite in his sleep, and clearing his throat, and had constently stuffed sinuses, I knew he didnt quit. I asked him...he lied and said he never started up again. Well, the truth has finally come out and he was lieing to me and doing it behind my back.
I am sick about it, not only that he is risking his health but also that he lied to me. I am very depressed and hardly talk to him.
He keeps telling me its no big deal and nothing for me to get upset about. He doesnt understand how bad i am worried about his health not to mention if he gets caught using it at work he is fired!!!
I understand it is very hard to quit, but he doesnt even try. It's like whatever I say to him is like a joke.
I don't know what to do anymore, it is making me literally sick and depressed. I know that this is putting a strain on our marriage.
Any ideas on how not to be mad at him?

dobo

Did he have this habit before you married?

And, did you show him photos of the cancers that he can suffer?

And does he know that his insurance rate will go down if he stops?

I don't know how you could not be upset with him if it means that much to you.

Would you divorce if he doesn't stop?

Do you kiss him? How would going on a kissing strike work?

skalways

He actually smoked and chewed some when he wasnt able to smoke.
Yes, he knows about the insurance.....shocked at first but then it rolled right off his back.
Cancer pictures? Sure did. He said "yep it can do some nasty stuff"
As far as kissing, I was kissing him because he was hiding it from me so I didnt know. Well I did in my heart and mind but I couldnt prove it.
I don't know if I could leave him...he is my soulmate and I have never found a man like him but.......the thought has crossed my mind.
Yesterday, I broke down and went off the deep end. I cried and cried and told him how depressed this was making me. For the last three days I was having my anxiety attacks again, isolating myself, and not eating. I couldn't go on anymore. This was on the phone because he was hunting, but he came home and hugged me and told me he thought about it out there and he doesnt want to make me worry and make me so upset plus he knows it would be good for him so he said he was really going to make an effort to quit.
I looked up on the internet help ideas and printed them out for him. He sat down and read them.
I had to work in the afternoon and when I got home he told me that he never had a chew since I left for work. Today will be tough...he works 12 hour days and the guy he works right next to chews.......and likes to share. We will see how it goes.He promised me that he would not hide it from me, and not lie if he had a pouch, and let me help him with "hurrah's you did it" or "it's ok it's been a struggle today, we'll do better tomorrow". I also asked him why he kept it from me and lied to me and he said "I never wanted to disappoint you" I told him it was more disappointing that he lied and did it behind my back. I also told him that if he didnt care about living a long life with me and being able to say "I love you" with a normal voice and not a machine, or being able to kiss me with his sexy lips not ones that are rotted off, then it was time for me to leave.
I know it is a loooong road ahead because of how addictive it is but I am hoping we can do it TOGETHER. There are gonna be bad days, and cravings, but I want to help him.

swedish

Have you looked into nicotine patches or something that might help him wean off a bit easier? It may help especially since he has a chewing buddy next to him all day when temptation will be at its highest.

busybee

Have you two thought about him switching to Snus brand tobacco for the time being. They are pouches (I think) and it is supposed to be spitless and waaaay less toxic than actual chewing tobacco. I know this is not quitting, but it has helped two of my co-workers quit smoking ciggarettes.

open hearted

you sound like you want to end a marriage over cigarettes and chew thats whats amazing to me..i have had a tumor taken out and lived and hubby was there for me and still is there are so many things out there that can kill someone any minute and you want to spend your last days argueing over chew why..hes an adult if he chooses to stop it has to be for himself not for you or out of guilt...you act like hes a drug addict or worst...there are so many things to stress on in life why something like this i dont understand yes my husband has issues and he lies and that will never stop but my issues are nothing to do with chew or any kind of tobacco..what if your husband was killed in an auto accident tomorrow will you still be complaining about his issue

Tweak

I will chime in.
My father in-law,one of the greatest men I have ever known.Chewed Skoal for over 40+years.He is in his 70's now.However he to swallowed alot of it out when he was working.
Long about age 67 or so,he went to the restroom to #2.He thought he was bleeding to death.He had a colon exam and found he had rectal cancer.Well he fought it and beat it and is now in remission.He did have a colostomy bag,they had to remove part of his intestines.

Thing is swallowing the juice contributed to this.The colon absorbs alot of nutrients your body needs to function.....it also absorbs the bad.

Tell your husband to read my post,think hard about what exactly colon cancer entails,then decide if he still would enjoy that chew as much.
I will give you a hint, colostomy bag's are for bodily waste (crap),also when they operate on your colon,they not only go through your abdominal cavity but up the anus as well.They also use those female instruments to dilate the rectum to get all the hardware up in there.Its not pretty.

This is just one aspect of of tobacco use,throat,lip and stomach cancer are serious concerns to.
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The reason I responded,my wife she smoked before we got married.She quit and promised to never start back up.....Well she
started again,even after her mother,the wife of my father in law,died from lung cancer.It was terrible and sad.I miss my mother in law alot.

My wife smokes now,although not in the house.I told her to please do that nastiness outside away from our children.They do not need to see a bad habit or breath it.She does smoke outside,however I cannot force her to make healthy choices.

IvanDrago

I'm coming up on 2 years nicotine free! I started smoking when I was 12 and chewing when I was 15. I basically traded them around depending on what athletic or life events were going on. After 20 years and many, many attempts to quit I finally decided to go cold turkey on my 32nd birthday. It was tough! Especially the chew, I basically had a dip in my mouth all day everyday and would only take it out to eat or if smoking was more appropriate.
Your husband will quit when he's ready. Hectoring and shaming will only lead to resentment and more deception. I've seen enough guys who only smoke on the road and keep it from their wives to know that this is the normal response to the needling wife (or husband). Have one more conversation about it and if he won't quit... Up the life insurance and hang in there baby.
People have to quit addictions because it's important to them, not because it's what you want.

CantePe

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