Millania007

My husband has always occasionally looked at porn on the web from time to time, but recently he has been viewing it more often. I tried talking to him about it in the past, that it really hurts and bothers me. He told me back then, that I have nothing to worry about, that it is just a quick visual stimulation, and that at least he is not really going out to bars looking for real women. Then he turned it around on me and asked me why I was always snooping on him, and that I shouldnt be snooping around, I cant stop snooping , which only hurts me in the end because I always find out he has been looking at dirty videos, which makes me cry and feel like he doesnt want me etc, its obvious I dont trust him(with the internet)

I have recently gained a few pounds so the fact that he is looking at all of these perfect women online really hurts me, I know it has a lot to do with my own insecurities so I have recently began jogging 6 days a week, already lost 10 pounds.

We have a VERY normal sex life,thank goodness he is not rejecting me in the bedroom! we have been together for about 12 years and still have AWESOME sex about 3 times a week which is wonderful, We are very passionate toward each other-I cant seem to get enough of him-I do it all, I dress up, try new things to keep it exciting etc. I guess thats why I am so CONFUSED as to why he needs the porn?? Could he need it because he has always kind of "had access to it" since he was a teenager? He told me in the past his friends would skp school to view it. So I gues it kind of has always been the dark cloud lurking around him. kind of like a habit for him?

He denys the use now-He even says he doesnt understand why some men get so hooked and addicted to it-he says the men that view it ALL The time are lonely guys who "dont get any"..
I cant even confront him now or he will get upset with me for snooping, he doesnt understand why it bothers me so much especially since we have a normal sex life etc. Its not like he is "witholding" himself from me thankfully.
I just dont know why it bothers and hurts me so bad. I need to know, am I overreacting?? should I just let it go? I dont know if its my fault? Maybe it is my deep down insecurities that are making his sessions hurt me so bad. Also what REALLY bothers me is how sneaky he is about it, it seems like prn is the first thing he goes to as SOON as I leave the house. Its almost like he cant wait for me to go to work. He works nights I work days.

He generally views about 2-3 times a week. Any advice is great, please ask any ?'s u want, I will be open as I would love to find a solution to me not getting so hurt and bothered my his occasional viewing sessions. I know I need to stop snooping too because it really hurts me when I find out.
when I find out, I cry and resent him, and give him an attitude and he feels me upset, but I dont tell him why I am angry/hurt. Why tell him if he wont stop looking anyways? please help

Deejo

We could go back and forth on the rights and wrongs of men viewing porn for pages, but that won't really address your question.

Can you articulate your fear? You know he views pornography. You have a robust sex life, I'm assuming there are no other glaring issues in your relationship?

Play it out, what is it you are ultimately afraid of that he will do, as a result of looking at porn that he has not done to date?

So, assumably, you knew that he was viewing pornography regularly even before you married?

All I'm trying to do is frame this in a context that you can either be comfortable coming to terms with, or decide that you will not tolerate.

I have a female friend whose husband completely concealed his porn addiction. She was unaware of it, and felt betrayed. In their case, he was choosing porn over her - that's a pretty strong negative message. She divorced him.

On the flipside, if it isn't interfering with how you and your husband conduct your relationship and your intimacy with one another, than you both need to weigh the impact and outcomes .

Blanca

I dont think you are overreacting. I dont think you should try and just let it go because it will bottle up inside of you, which its probably doing already.

it probably is some deep down insecurities. what girl doesnt have those fears? especially in this day and age where its completely unrealistic to look like those porn girls. i know you're having regular sex and so some people would say to let it go, but being in your shoes, i know what it feels like to have sex with someone you love and you're wondering if its even you they are thinking about.

as far as him hiding his porn, well, that's a hard one because on the one hand, he's an adult and you cant really tell him what to do. and if he feels like what he's doing is hurting you and he's tired of feeling persecuted for something he thinks is 'normal', then of course he's going to hide it. I still dont think its right, but i can understand why he would hide it. If you want him to stop hiding it, you'll have to stop persecuting him about it- which if you're anything like me, that isnt possible.

Personally what i think you should do is get your head on straight and work out how you feel about it. right now you are probably sending mixed signals; you want to be ok with it because you think it may just be you being insecure, and you are not ok with it because emotionally you are upset so you want him to stop. you'll have to work through these feelings first so you can take a firm stand and stop sending mixed signals. You can go to counseling, read some books, and just give yourself time.

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Millania007

Thank you so much for your replies!
@Deejo, in a way, you are correct, its not like its affecting our sex life, thats why I have been trying SO very hard to just try and let it go and accept it for what it is. He has had this habit since he was a teenager(the occasional viewing of prn) so I try and believe that he is just really bored at home. On his days off there is only so much TV one could watch. Of course I wish he would use his time in a constructive matter, and maybe jog like I do, or clean, do something! instead of sitting in front of the comp looking at this crap for a few hours. To me its such a waste of time, I TRIED getting into it to see what all the fuss is about, and when he left the house I TRIED to view some sites he goes to and it just gets so boring for me SO fast. Then I feel guilty for having wasted my time doing nothing really. I thank you so much for your input, I am going to see how it plays out as far as if I am going to just let it go and try to accept that he will occasionally do this. I am very thankful he is not spending money on this crap

@Blanca-Thank you for replying Blanca, I agree with you, my emotions get so bottled up inside and I hold so much anger within, I try very hard not to show it but there is many times he asks me what is bothering me & I tell him nothing. I dont want to cause an argument we have already had in the past when I brought it up that I was upset/hurt he was watching this stuff, he thinks its perfectly normal for a male to occassionally view prn as long as the relationship is solid/sex life is normal. He doesnt understand why it makes me so upset and hurt. I told him its because he is sneaky about it. He said in the past, of course he is sneaky because he knows it bothers me and doesnt want to hurt me. Then he proceeded to tell me to stop being so nosey and have some trust in him. That he is not actually going out to bars to meet women so why should I be so bothered?

So its a toss up, I am going to see what happens, the minute he starts spending money or rejects me is when the major problems will begin. Sure, now I get upset and angry but I am trying to be as accepting as I can toward the fact that my husband is super visual, and sometimes uses this as stimulation, for when I am about to get home, sometimes he is just plain bored with the usual stuff on TV, I am trying to be a good wife, this also includes taking better care of my body since I gained weight, and trying to build my self confidence which is definitley low right now.

Thanks again guys! it means a lot to get some good advice!!

ozymandias

It's interesting to see these posts land in the addiction forum right next to the stories about alcoholism and people that play WoW 16 hours a day.

No offense to the OP but if your husband is doing something you don't like and he doesn't want to stop is it really ok to call it addiction? Have we broadened the term so far past it's clinical definition that it's meaning has been diluted? Will I be reading a post from my wife here soon about how I'm "addicted" to leaving my socks on the bedroom floor?

Millania007

I dont know Ozymadias, no offense taken, but what do u think? Do u think its an addiction when the second I leave the house, this is the first thing that he does? It doesnt matter if he is horny and wants to wack off or if he just wants to view, he GOES right for the dam computer as SOON as I leave the house EVERY single time he is alone. What do you think? addiction? or is he just taking the opportunity as it comes? I would like to hear your thoughts thank you for your input! any info helps!

Millania007

OH and by the way Ozymadias he has a very addictive personality, he is a smoker, drinks about 2 times a week(binge) on the weekends to let loose-and plays video games on his days off for HOURS about 5 to 8 hours on a typical day off, see? very addictive personality, if he didnt have an addictive personality he can stop smoking/stop drinking all together but he wont stop-he has no reason to-we have no kids and it doesnt bother me-which leads me to believe that if he was single he would probably view porn all day long due to the stimulation and addictive personality that he has, thoughts??

Millania007

Lastly he claims to be an insomniac but he plays video games until the minute I leave for work, ALL night long, he doesnt even TRY to lay down and sleep, he says because he CANT sleep, to me its an addiction-video games, porn, its all an addiction to me if you absolutley just can not stop your behavior...

Deejo

Ozymandias,

Certainly you wouldn't argue that use of pornography can be an addiction. Context is everything.

If his actions are having a negative impact on his life, and those around him ... it's an addiction. If you are doing damage to yourself or someone else as the result of your activity - and still won't acknowldege the behavior as a problem, you have an addiction.

Stepping off my soap-box, I'm not sure I would call his interest in pornography an addiction, could it become one? Of course, particularly if he allows his marriage to completely deteriorate as a result.

I think Millania's post is appropriate for either the sex or addiction forum.

Millania007

Thank you Deejo agreed!

I just hope that everything pans out ok? ugh...
I will just have to wait and see..

SimplyAmorous

(I posted this same reply on the other board about this subject...My story of how I changed my views on this). And by the way, I have noticed some of your other posts , it sounds like you have a REALLY erotic husband--so this makes all the sense in the world why he LOVES porn. I accualy envy you! I am always trying to boost my husbands Eroticism. He is more of a sensual man. This is wonderful too, but Erotic is exciting! ......now to my story...

I am the wife answering this question, I have been on both sides of this issue, and have flip-flopped my view on it as well. Married 20 yrs, Great faithful loving husband, he used to sneak looking at porn many mornings , he knew it upset me , so he hid it. Funny, I used to tape scriptures to the computer. He was always MORE in the mood than me, and he never pushed but suffered in silence, we used to have sex about once a week most of our marraige.

Then MY sex drive went up & I want it MORE than him, I even took him to an Encronologist to get his testosterone checked & it is low normal. HIgh testosterone generally = more desire. I became very very disturbed that my sex drive was HIGHER , I struggled with wondering if he still desired me, etc. And this royally sucked, as I was craving a hot lusty husband. I started to want to look at porn myself & found I enjoyed it a great deal, we watch it together now (I used to be repulsed by it), we try new postions, it is all good. This is when we really started opening up about SEX-and I asked him if he EVER masterbated to all the Porn he used to look at, he told me NO, that he felt like it was "cheating". But he did admit to doing it one time to release his sperm the morning of trying to conceive a daughter -cause he heard this helps get the female sex (amazingly we did conceive a daughter that night!) . I know most men will think he is lying, but I do not, because I was VERY VERY upset about it -as it further PROVED to me that his sex drive really is HALF of what other men's are --and this saddened me a great deal. I really wanted to hear that He was SOOO horny he had too as generally most men could not live with a once a week "release" sexually.

So now I gladly allow him to look at porn, as it does help him get MORE in the mood to "Keep up with me". I have read one report that suggests that Porn helps raise testosterone levels (??) We do have sex about 4-5 times a week even with his lower levels. I am happy he still is a "Dirty old man". BUT I realize this is a RARE RARE situation, as Most men DO masterbate to porn, I think most men NEED sex more than their women do. Mismatched Libitos suck and this is one of the reasons men use Porn unfortunetely. Mine might not have masterbated, but he WAS Grouchy during those years. So maybe he should have-to relieve the stress!

I feel as long as he is supplying you with EVERYTHING you want sexually, that none of this should be too much of a concern--surely not breaking up a marraige! Now IF he was using the computer & leaving you hanging, now THAT is a major problem. All situations are different. Just know that it is equally heartbreaking to have a man who has so little desire that he does not even care to look at porn. Thankfully that Is NOT my husband or I would be sooo devestated, it could have hurt our marraige. I have come to learn that it is all very natural & normal for men to be visual in this way. Also so hard for women to accept. And I would rather my man be honest about it than lie to me--which required me to be VERY OPEN & UNDERSTANDING, willing to listen. Addiction is another matter entirely though, My husband does not have that kind of Obsessive personality, so I never worried -- I am talking about casually looking for the average man/husband here. Just our story.

MEM11363

SA,

LOL

So when his drive is lower then yours he needs to do whatever he can to keep up with your 4-5 time a week desires.

But when his drive was higher then yours he should have just whacked off. What if he told you the same thing right now. What if he said - sorry babe I just have a lower drive - so go get your vibrator and do that 3-4 times a week and I will have real sex with you once a week? Would you be ok with that?

It sounds like you would feel angry and rejected which is how he felt all those years. Masturbation is a release - it is not a connection.

You sure do sound hypocritical.

Tweak

@MEM11363-My wife used to reject me alot to.I would get extremely upset and I have told her that you better get it while the getting is good cause you will peak in a few years and then you will be wanting it and I will be ho hum.
Truth is She has had resentment issues with things in our marriage.She as of now will gladly accept me willingly into her arms,I can go 4 or 5 times a week even if she does not initiate it.

The miss matched libido that age brings on us men and women is a cruel joke.
So maybe as a cure,at age of 20 men need a lady that is 40 ish.To keep up....LOL....They call them "cougars" around here,don't really know why though.Maybe because of the hunt?

Anyway I will bridge Millania007's other post about the "men and porn" subject.Since they are related in a way.

Attn Men-Why do you need porn??!

lisa79

I don't think you're overreacting. Everyone has their own opinions. I was raised by both my parents which were both ordained ministers and I was raised with strong morals. My husband has done this a few times. I finally gave him a warning that if he can't stop I will file for divorce.

In my opinion it is cheating. Lusting after another is adultry in the heart (yet again my belief). I'm not preaching to anyone but during all this I felt the same way. Then I started thinking, maybe he is bored with me, thinks I'm not attractive anymore. Maybe he is using it as a visual stimulation to replace me, is he thinking of the other women while he is with me? that is a question we will never know. Plus I've been lied to several times by him. He denied going to anywebites until I showed him I had spytech spyagent in all our computers. It shows 2 way convo's, emails, username, passwords, images, etc. Great program. It can also be used in the court of law and yes if he is caught cybering or exchanging photos/emails it is considered cheating in the us courts.

Oh and I posted the scriptures all over his pc desktop.

I've already made dvd's of all his "adventure's".

If mine decides to wander in that direction again I will first sell all our things before he gets home, take his clothing to Salvation Army (they're expensive) so he can buy back his clothes) his family will recieve a copy with a letter from me warning them what is on the dvd (his family is religious to a point).

Now, I may be over reacting but I gave him an ultimatum.. If he truly loves me then all he should need is me. I don't watch porn, it disgust me. I am a simple person and rather focus all my attention on him. I never turn my husband down and I do everything possible to please him (except bring others into our relationships real or videos). It's really his choice to stay or leave. I can no longer love someone who shows me no respect.

Just to say that since all this went on we're more than happy with each other. He was suffering with low self esteem. He didn't feel good enough so I let him know it's okay to talk to me about anything. I do not yell, I gave him many 2nd chances. What was different from your story is we had no passion inbetween us. He would wake up, go to the pc play all night, get off the pc and go stright to bed.

I found later he was cybering with multiple women as well.

So now, I work on myspace with a ficticious account and find if womens husbands cyber or not with the help of my husband.

Tweak

I may view porn,but do not "Cyber" with other women.
I may chat with other people,but am very careful to not cross lines.
Being friendly and talking is one thing.However there are lines one must be careful to not cross.
I to come from a very religious back ground.(Independent Baptist myself as is my wife)(I Was raise United Methodist)
Wife knows about any porn I have.Now for the blunt truth.
I view porn to masturbate to.I could have sex 4 or 5 times a week and not bat a eye.My wife,due to many demands at the moment,She is in school and also has a medical condition,just does not have time for me and her to get it going on.

So I take things in hand,so to speak.
However let me add she was off for 2 weeks over Thanksgiving.We had sex everyday and I did not have ANY urges to look at porn.
Now she is back to the old grind and its a bit more frustrating but I can cope because I love her more then life itself.
I am trying to do stuff around the house to help lift any resentment she may have about that and am working on just being a "Good Bad Boy" in general.

Porn should only be used as a band-aid to your "horny-ness" not to fixing/ignoring a real problem in marriage.

Also I definitely see what you mean by "Cheating in your mind" or "Lusting after another is adultery in the heart" everyone who is human is guilty of this on some level.
The only exception to this is the one who was here but is gone and will return one day to take us home.