Not sure anymore

kerrypost · 11-27-2009, 03:45 AM

I can't handle my partners addiction to weed anymore. He smokes every single day, in fact I think he has gone 6 days without during our 5 years together and that was because he couldn't get hold of any. I knew about the smoking from the start, I just didn't realise how severe it was. I did genuinly thnik he would tone it down when we moved in together as I have 3 kids from my 1st marriage and when we had a child together.He has a good respectable job, earns a good wage and because of this he doesn't see it as a problem.
We have argued about it and he has made it clear that if he is made to choose between us and weed he would leave. So I try not to mention it. I don't like to argue, I do my best to avoid confrontations and try to keep everyone happy. I try to do my best with the children and the house but I know it isn't good enough. I can tell that when he comes home he will have seen something I haven't done right or the kids haven't done something correctly. I am quite forgetful and I have PMDD which means I sometimes can be quite depressed but I do still try.
He has been really off with me since I gave up my job 3 months ago. It was a joint decision, my eldest child has been struggling at school and it was agreed that it would be best for everyone for me to be at home. I loved my job but love my family more and was looking forward to being a stay at home mom. Well after a month he found out that his wage wouldn't cover the rent, bills,debts (a lot) and weed. So I now have been told I need to go back to work. Can you imagine how embarrasing it was to go back to your old workplace and ask for your job back? And then being told that my job has been taken by someone else. So now every day I am looking for a suitable job and it annoys the hell out of him that I haven't found one yet.
Even though I am not working we had no worries about christmas as we had saved beforehand. He told me last week that it has gone ($1500). I am devastated. But I am too scared to say anything because I don't want to argue with him. I did tell him 2 days ago that I had had enough, I can't cope with the stress, the debt, the kids deserve more from both of us and that we should think about splitting up. Because I know that an ultimatum means he will leave anyway. We haven't said a word to each other since, I'm too scared to argue and I guess that he is just too angry with me. I actually feel guilty for saying anything. If he does leave me I will be by myself. My friends and family live hours away and I know no one here. And I love him so much. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Blanca · 11-28-2009, 12:28 AM

well his weed doesnt sound like the problem. it sounds like you feel trapped and you are trying to make him stay because you are afraid of being on your own. You've gotten into a really hard spot. You are living in constant fear. but him leaving could be a good thing. You will have to face your fear. You could face it now and not wait for it to sneak up on you. depression is a funny thing. the more comfort you have in your life the deeper you will sink into it and the less functional you'll become. once the comforts are gone, you have to snap out of it or die.

My sister was in a situation similar to yours. she was married to a drug addict and was constantly tip-toeing around him so she wouldnt make him angry. she didnt want him to leave. her whole life revolved around trying to make him stay. she had no job, no real friends, no life, and no self-esteem. And one day, six years later, her worst fear came true. two weeks after they had their first baby he left her. she had nothing but the debt from his drug money and the emptiness she had created.

Life was absolute hell for her for the first year. She was really confronted with living and dying. She tried to kill herself a couple of times. but she pulled through. she enrolled in school, applied for financial aide, made some goals, and put her life back together. She's doing OK now.