Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
My husband is a functional alcoholic - over the last three years he has gone from saying he never wants to stop drinking to trying at regular intervals to stop or cut back, and saying regularly that he is not happy with how much he drinks. we have talked about it, he knows he is an alcoholic and has considered getting some counselling in the future to help with it. I try not to put any pressure on him about it as I know that I cannot make him quit, but I do make sure I give loads of positive reinforcement when he is sober or talking about becoming sober.
He is actually almost the exact same person drunk as sober (though his physical coordination goes downhill) so I can't say he is a monster or anything, he is a pleasant fun guy to be around, but I do really worry about his health. And, as tacky as this is, the sheer ammount of money that goes on booze boggles my mind.
We both smoke pot off and on. Definitely not addicted to it, but enjoy it from time to time. We also both enjoy occassionally having other mood altering substances. Nothing regular or frequent. I'd actually way prefer him to smoke pot than drink so much, he has no where near the tolerance to pot, it works out much cheaper and he ingests far less harmful stuff. Half a joint per day vs 20 beers.
It is a little harder for both of us as we both feel very strongly AGAINST the principals and steps of AA, which means that not only will he never consider AA, but also that I am unable/unwilling to go to al-anon. It feels pretty lonely sometimes. I don't like to talk about it with our friends too much, I don't want to shame him in their eyes, especially as it is not his behaviour I have an issue with, I am just worried about his health.
Anyhow just posted this here because I am pretty lonely and sometimes it is hard for me to maintain my resolve to not interfere or nag or hassle him even though I know they won't help. We are going through a very rough patch at the moment as his Dad recently died (making him an orphan), and I am working hard to keep my H from sliding into depression. I am getting a bit worn out.
Wow. Its a heavy weight you carry. But you know, you can only do so much. He has to make the choices in his life. Do you have kids? If no, I'd say, give the relationship as much as you want. But YOU need to have happiness in your life. Don't be a martyr. OR if you choose to be there (and stay) let the power of the choice give you strength. Knowing that you can walk away might help you get through today. One day at a time. Good luck.
Thanks for the reply. It really helps just to be able to have someone respond with some encouragement and support.
I will just clarify a couple of things in case you were concerned.
We don't have kids, I am not especially interested in having them, and he knows that I am not willing to raise them as a single parent if he is drunk... so hopefully if he wants kids that will help him get on top of it. Otherwise no kids.
We have a LOT of happiness together in general, and we have a fantastic relationship - we relate to one another brilliantly, take care of each other and really care about making the other happy. I would definitely call us co-dependant, but in a good way.
I certainly am not a martyr, though I am someone who is a very traditional housewifey type, so I do all the cooking, cleaning and so on. I am very happy with this.
My husband takes unbelievably good care of my emotional needs (which are many as I can be a bit moody and needy), and of me in general - so I consider all the physical care I do to be a very fair trade.
It's just a particularly hard time right now and I don't want to burden him with extra stress on top of his loss, so instead of going to my best friend (him) I am seeking some external support.
I don't know that i would ever consider walking away, but I do know that I am able to 'start over' - I am very resilient. That helps.
A lot of people do seek alternatives to the 12 step model that AA uses. One of the difficulties many people have with 12 step programmes is that they turn the person into the problem eg "an alcoholic". In my experience when people identify so strongly with the problem or see themselves as the problem it becomes very difficult for them to move forward with changing their relationship to the problem or getting any sense of influence over it.
In Australia and the U.S another programme that may be of use to you both is the SMART Recovery programme. Welcome to SMART Recovery Australia
It is run by a non-profit organisation and uses a scientific rather than a spiritual approach. It views alcohol and substance use as habits, not a 'disease' and is not an abstinence based program.
Another approach to take is a relationship-based approach. We know that alcohol and other substances have the potential to contribute and worsen other problems in peoples lives. But we also know that many people find it possible to have a relationship with alcohol in which alcohol does not take over or get too influential.
What sort of relationship do you and your partner want with Alcohol?
What is Alcohol preventing you from having that you would like to have? a bigger family? better health? more money?
How do you feel about Alcohol taking these from you? Cheated? Bereft? Sad? Angry? Disappointed?
Why is that? Why are children / health / your financial situation important to you?
Perhaps these are questions you and your husband could ask yourselves together and try to work out what place you want Alcohol and substances to take in your life. In my experience, it is best to choose a time to have these conversations when Alcohol, drugs and their effects are not around as they can unfairly influence the outcome.
I have briefly looked at SMART recovery before when searching desperately for AA Alternatives (you hit the nail on the head for why I don't like AA - to me the belief system seems SO disempowering and limiting, and my H finds the religious aspects very very offensive, he considers AA a cult that preys on people at their weakest moments) and will certainly bring that up as something to look into the next time my H discusses wanting to stop drinking. Thank you for the reminder.
I like the relationship model too as I think this is more relevant to how he wants to deal with his drinking.
This has given me some good ideas to raise with him. Normally we talk about things and then he lets them percolate for a long while, so the next time we have a discussion along these lines I can bring this stuff up and let it simmer.
I really appreciate your post, thank-you again. I am feeling a bit more resourceful today and this just helps.
Wow I just looked into SMART recovery further, and I don't think I ever had their home site before - this is PERFECT, and there are three meetings within 10 minutes walk of our house.
You are welcome. And I was really struck by the 'cooking insight' if I can call it that. The way you have noticed your H lets things percolate for a long while, so you are going to let it simmer for a while after you bring it up. It sounds like you have both found a way to enjoy the full flavour of your discussions!
You are welcome. And I was really struck by the 'cooking insight' if I can call it that. The way you have noticed your H lets things percolate for a long while, so you are going to let it simmer for a while after you bring it up. It sounds like you have both found a way to enjoy the full flavour of your discussions!
hehehehe this is what happens when two caffeine addicts live together... (actually I have given up caffeine too these days, but I live vicariously through his coffee habit)
Well not sure if pot is cheaper than beer...sure it would be half a joint a day now but as time went on his tolerance would go way up. After awhile thats going to get pretty pricey! I understand what you are going thru my DH is the same way, hope to get a few suggestions from your thread as well cause I dont have any advice other than offer help when he needs but seems like that forwardtherapy guy had some good advice so Im going to re-read thru it!
Well not sure if pot is cheaper than beer...sure it would be half a joint a day now but as time went on his tolerance would go way up. After awhile thats going to get pretty pricey! I understand what you are going thru my DH is the same way, hope to get a few suggestions from your thread as well cause I dont have any advice other than offer help when he needs but seems like that forwardtherapy guy had some good advice so Im going to re-read thru it!
He currently spends several hundred dollars a week on beer. You can buy a buttload of weed for that amount! Even if we both smoke 'heavily' for us and even if it didn't dry out and become cruddy it would take us more than 6 months to get through that amount of pot.
His tolerance would build up but even the hardcore potheads I know (and I have a few friends who qualify) wouldn't spend as much on pot as he does on beer on a week by week basis. Of course if he was at that level he would be monged all the time and I would definitely not be happy with that, so it's not as though I am shoving a bong i his face for the good of our relationship!
Currently we are both on a break from pot, after a few weeks on - we tend to do a few weeks on a few months off, because it gets pretty boring.
Given the recent death of his father his drinking hasn't been too bad - by which I mean not as bad as I thought it would get when we found out. He was really upset and crying a lot last night about his dad, and in a way I was the one who made him cry because I had been talking about needing to make some decisions about what to do from here... It was a really rough night on both of us and I am still really down. Unfortunately I think he will probably drink heavily over the next few days. I doubt he'll be bringing up changing his drinking patterns for a while. I just need to hang in there.
I am going to check out the local SMART meeting, and maybe start going. That might prompt a conversation about it all. I would like to get that rolling soonish because we are likely to be moving house in the next 6 months or so, and it would be a LOT easier to get him involved while we live close to a meeting. We are both very reclusive and once at home it is very hard to wedge us out of the house. We don't drive so things need to be close and easy to get to.
Well that would be crazy to smoke a couple(+) ounces in a week all the time!! That would be like spending all my paycheck on booze, yikes! At least he is not a mean drunk from the sounds of things. That makes a huge differences, I get worried about all those a**hole drunks...dont get me wrong my H isnt always the nicest person when hes drunk. That sounds like a great idea for you to start going to those meetings first! Maybe find some activity to do once a week. You say you're reclusive so maybe getting him out and active will help take his mind off his troubles and possibly slow his drinking down for a night. Im the same way, I like to stay home and once I am home I really dont want to leave. But I have been making myself leave and become better friends with the people that I know. It makes me a lot happier to be out and about now a days.
You are doing a great job! I know how hard it is to hear "I really need to cut back drinking" or "im never drinking again" once a week and not really see any improvement, ever. Just keep giving him support and dont push him into anything, just like you have been doing.
Thanks for the words of encouragement letitgo - it does really help to hear supportive words or ideas to try.
It also helps that people are giving encouragement and helpful suggestions instead of dire threats and telling me to leave him.
I posted on another board a while ago in response to a question about dating an alcoholic, and people were SO brutal saying that he might not hit me now, but he will and so on... I am sorry for their bad experiences but he has been an alcoholic since he was 17 and NEVER once been a mean, surly or aggro drunk. Soppy yes, ridiculously talkative yes, clumsy yes: violent or mean, NO! Honestly if drinking in excess was not bad for your health I would have NO issue with it, his behaviour and responsibility levels are fine.
I also was labelled an 'enabler' because I wouldn't leave him, because his being a drunk didn't disgust me. Not helpful and it really sucked. Made me feel so bad and seriously considered leaving him because I bought into the idea that I was hurting him by staying. What a head trip to put on me.
Before his dad died we both went to personal training together twice a weeek and that ws fantastic as it got us out of the house and focused him on his health. Unfortunately for now that is on hold as it is VERY expensive and that money is now going towards paying our freshly inherited mortgage.
Also we will be moving out to his dad's house eventually once things are sorted and that is miles away from our trainer. We can find someone/somewhere new once we settle in there. I have already been scoping the local gyms.
I might try to make more effort to get him out to a movie ocassionally at least. It's been AGES since we saw a movie.
People can be so mean!! Just because their husbands hit them does not mean that hes going to hit you! Wow, but I believe it. Thats the down side to forums. Glad you got the idea of leaving him out if your head. Well seems like you have some great things to work on!
Just wanted to say that SMART is fantastic - the site and forums and chat and people and the tools are all amazing, this has really helped pull me out of my downer feeling like I have pople I can talk talk to and tools I can use. Thanks again for pointing me there.
Married an addict
