Relationships and AddictionWhether it's drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, pornography, or anything else, addictions can be detrimental to the health of a relationship.
Ok, I am new here and looking for a little advice. Please bare with me if this gets a little long winded.
I have been married for three years now. My husband has had only a couple serious relationships before we met so he has been single much of his adult life (he is 39). We have hardly any disagreements and we never argue but we have some issues that come up in our marriage over and over again. About a year or so into our marriage I was feeling like our sex life was a little dull and had suggested trying new things like new positions, new locations, a little suggestive talking etc. He felt a little embarrassed and confessed he felt unexperienced, but he agreed and a couple of times we experimented but a few weeks later we fell back into the same old routine and again it became a little dull.
About six months later, I was doing some cleaning and accidently found a provocative porn dvd. I was a little shocked since I had suggested us renting a few movies to spice things up a bit and he refused that idea rather quickly. I confronted him about the dvd (because it was a strange fetish type movie) and he said oh he used it every now and then when I was at work to satisfy himself but it was not an everyday type thing. I just told him it kinda made me feel like he was hiding something from me because I had never thought he was into that kind of thing. He assured me that it was something he didn't do very often and that he loves me and was very satisfied with our sex life. OK, no problem.
As time goes on, I am getting more and more dissatisfied with our sex life. He started having problems performing and I started feeling quite insecure. He ended up seeing a doctor and was put on cialis which was very embarrassing for him. He tried the medication a few times but was always saying he was afraid of side affects and really didn't want to take it that often. So, in turn sex life really starts sliding down hill and I am feeling unattractive and insecure.
Then one day I was on the computer and found some websites he had been visiting. They were all the same type of fetish porn websites that were the same as the dvd I had found. I didn't say anything for a few months but I checked the history every now and then and saw that he was visiting these sites regularly. I finally ended up confronting him when one day he had accessed these sites about 30 times in one day. I asked him if there was a reason he was visiting these sites but could not perform in his own sex life with his wife. I told him how insecure and unattractive I felt and this was starting to be a big concern for me. He profusely apologized and said he would get rid of all porn movies, magazines, and delete all memberships to these websites. He told me he felt like he may have an addiction and the reason he could probably not perform well was because he would masturbate to these movies. He quickly threw everything in the trash and vowed to work on our marriage and sex life.
Things got better for us for a few months following that incident but here recently I had noticed a decline in his lack of desire and things were getting bad again. A few days ago, my 2 year old son who is into everything brought me a dvd out of the cabinet and again it was another porn dvd that I had no idea about. I feel like I have been lied to over and over again and am losing trust in him. I checked the computer and of course the history was full of those same fetish sites as before and I also learned he had been paying $15 a month for one and $30 a month for another one. After confronting him he apologizes again and promises things will get better between us. I just don't know if I can believe him anymore and feel like I need to constantly ask him to just be honest.
I am not completely against porn but when I feel it is being hidden from me and it is affecting our sex life I just don't feel he should continue watching it. I have tried so hard on working on our sex life by communicating and doing anything I can to get him to open up to me but it is hard for him. Is just being honest too much to ask? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks
Tell him that you want to make a rule that he is not allowed to watch porn unless you are there, period. Sounds fair. You already know what his fetish is it doesn't matter if you are not into it, and if you are that against a fetish a compromise of porn might be in order.
If it's not too extreme, offer to try some of the kind of thing he is looking at... something mild, just to see.. you may both find you like it. It may be that once he has tried it 'in real life' the obsession with this sort of thing will fade.
Be very sure it is something you can handle though. While sex is different for everybody, only you can know what you like and don't like. If you really don't like it, then you shouldn't have to do it.
I wanted to update a little on our situation. We had a long discussion about how his hiding things from me was making me feel. He understood and we have reached a very good compromise. But, no the fetish thing is definitely out the window because it is something that is strange and not comfortable for me at all. Thanks
I believe that honesty is the key to a successful marriage. From that perspective, I'd like to ask you some questions.
Has any of you two told the other about an affair or even a little admiration to somebody else after you got married?
Have you recently told him about a sexual experience you had that you haven't told him about before your marriage?
Does your husband talk about a female he knows, frequently? (Whether it's good or bad)
Does your husband know that you're writing about your problem in this forum?
I am not completely against porn but when I feel it is being hidden from me and it is affecting our sex life I just don't feel he should continue watching it. I have tried so hard on working on our sex life by communicating and doing anything I can to get him to open up to me but it is hard for him. Is just being honest too much to ask?
The best thing you can do is talk to your partner. Ask him straight out. Choose the right time and place that will allow the two of you to talk openly without any disturbance. Keep your mind open and hear everything that you’re husband has to say without interrupting. This will make sure you understand the whole story and truth. While you might be very upset, just stay calmed and relaxed. And keep in mind not to blame your partner or yourself.
I would say his private taking care of business time should be just that "HIS" "PRIVATE" taking care of business time, as long as it isn't hurting anyone. Since it is hurting your self esteem and your sex life, then it is your business and something needs to be done.
I agree with some of the posters on, if it's not too freaky for you, to join him, try and make some of his fantasies come true so to speak. Watch some of this stuff with him, if he's cool with that, use it as foreplay or have it on in the background while you are doing stuff. Eventually he will have to deal with this fetish, otherwise it might consume his waking moment and ruin your sex life, I have a bit of a fetish issue myself and try hard to keep it under control. My wife is in the dark about it and a few other things I keep from her because I either don't think she would be cool with it or because I know it will cause issues in our relationship.
How important is honesty? Part of me says, it's the most important thing in a relationship, but I am not and can't be 100% with my Wife yet and so am forced to say, as long as you are honest about the important stuff (stuff that affects others/as long as you ain't hurting anyone) you should be fine.
I wish I could be 100% honest, I'm sure your husband does too but is either scared of loosing you if you see how much of a perv he is or just feels like he should have something that is HIS and not both of yours, you know.
I am obviously not the best person to be advising someone on honesty but I hope my story helps in some way.
To make things easy I just tell my wife I watch porn, I don't want her snooping & being surprised. As long as she knows there is know issues. I don't let her know what weird type of stuff I am into and I never pay. Tell your husband there are way too many free sites out there. LOL
Here is a suggestion: Try some sexual phone play. Texting messages to him telling him what you want to do to him & vice versa. It definitely gives me a reason to speed home.
I think everyone is missing the obvious. Your husband is addicted to porn. He sounds like Kirk Franklin (gospel entertainer) he had the same issues. He even tried to incorporate his wife into the whole thing but that was not enough. Then one day he threw out all his porn on the toher side of town in a dumpster. In the middle of the night he woke up and drove back to the dumpster and retrieved each one he pulled out. I think honesty is very important but your husband is embarrassed, just like an addict, sneaking around and hiding. Paying money, it's a drug. I don't think it will change until he get's help.But then again my husband says all his friends have it.
How important is honesty?
Re: How important is honesty?
Re: How important is honesty?
