Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!! - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-21-2009, 11:02 PM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

I married a preacher 3months ago,we both were single parents raised our girls,we both remained single for about17 years before we found each other. We dated about 6 months before getting married.He was WONDERFUL sweet,kind,loving,supportive,fun.Then we got married...he began screaming at me,threatning me,REFUSED TO HELP WITH ANYTHING.I have my own business and a horse ranch all I had BEFORE we married, I am a busy woman, a happy person, that gets up everyday ready to see what the day will bring!!! He was constantly on the computer literally for hours and hours and hours he wouldnt come to bed sometimes! but we were working things out I thought.Then HIS daughter moved in exactly 4 weeks after we were married, she is 23 pregnant,has twin 3 year olds has no drivers license or car.I was expected to take her everywhere,do everything, she wouldnt help,she slept ALL DAY and expected me to watch the girls!!! I couldnt take it!! I tried talking to him, and frankly I wanted her gone!! Once she got money and her inlaws said they would give her an apartment I was happy and said "great,when does she move" he screamed at me.That it was his blood, blah blah I told him I'm not used to all this chaos, the girl was telling me she was going to give her baby my husbands last name because "he always wanted a boy,and you can't give him one" man that hurt,not to mention weird. She also told me that she"would make sure her daddy had what he needed before her husband" again I was shocked!! I said "well it must be a relief to you that your dad now has a wife to take care of him,now you can focus on your husband" she then replied "you know I have always gotten rid of all my dads girlfriends, every last one, he'll do what I say" again kinda sick. Well needless to say things just steadily got worse by the hour, until I suggested we go to marriage counselling, he said "they couldnt tell him anything he couldnt find in the bible" . She then approached me and said "she agreed with her dad she doesnt believe in marriage counciling" I knew I was in trouble. Then one day I discovered he was taking money, out of the budget, and lied about it. We had an arguement out in the car because we couldnt talk in the house(which is mine long before I ever met him)he said he would agree to go to counselling in one breath, began screaming at me, and then said "I tricked him into marrying him"THAT WAS IT!!! I jumped out of the car told him to pack his crap and his kids and get off my property!! I was done!! I feel bad, I married for life but I cant take being screamed at lied to and made to feel like I never do anything right, and certainly won't be pushed around by the two of them. I told him at one point that his daughter was no diffrent than having a 13 year old around, that was helpless I had to do everything for her, if I had known he had a 13 year old we would not be married because I raised my daughter completely on my own, I loved being a mom and was very dedicated to her,my daughter is independant,in college and happily married to just the greatest kid, that I love to death and they are expecting their first baby. I thought this was our time and I can understand helping people but when they wont help out and spend their money on new cellphones and clothes and jewelry and dont contribute, I have a problem with that. I just feel very betrayed and lied to.I miss the man i thought I married, but maybe I married someone else.He has been gone 3 weeks and not one phone call, to see if I'm alive. I have cried, lost sleep and am very depressed(which is not like me at all) I just dont know what to do! My sister wants to beat him, HIS MOTHER AND BROTHER AND THE REST OF HIS FAMILY IS ON MY SIDE!! They call everyday several times a day, they tell me he has problems and I deserve better!! I feel like I have been thrust into a tornado, please give me some advice, what do you guys think.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-22-2009, 05:09 PM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

The marriage between a man and a woman is a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church. Christ gave Himself for the church and He loves, honors, and protects her as His “bride” (Revelation 19:7-9).

When God brought Eve to Adam in the first marriage, she was made from his “flesh and bone” (Genesis 2:21) and they became “one flesh” (Genesis 2:23-24). Becoming one flesh means more than just a physical union. It means a meeting of the mind and soul to form one unit. This relationship goes far beyond sensual or emotional attraction and into the realm of spiritual “oneness” that can only be found as both partners surrender to God and each other. This relationship is not centered on “me and my” but on “us and our.” This is one of the secrets to a lasting marriage. Making a marriage last until death is something both partners have to make a priority. Solidifying one's vertical relationship with God goes a long way toward ensuring that the horizontal relationship between a husband and wife is a lasting, and therefore God-honoring, one.

I think you should show him in a loving manor that he is not following the word of God with his behavior.
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-22-2009, 08:59 PM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

You should hit ENTER once in a while. It will make your text easier to read.

It sounds to me like he may have married you under false pretenses. Did he tell you he was looking for someone to take care of his 23-year-old daughter and his grandkids? Did he tell you he was looking for a housekeeper to clean up after him while he played on the computer all day?

@beninyourshoes: telling her to show him in a loving manner that he's not behaving well is not actually giving her any advice she can use. She needs to know what to do, and generalities don't help.

Biblically speaking, Jesus' instructions (Matthew 18) are to show the other person his fault, just between the two of you. If he won't listen, go back with one or two members of the congregation. If that doesn't change his behavior, then take it to the entire church. So, if you're interested in Biblical advice, tell your husband that you believe he has not lived up to his obligations and you want him to reform himself. If he doesn't budge, find a couple of deacons or elders (or vestry, or whatever your church has) that you trust and who aren't in your husband's pocket, invite them over to visit and tell them what's happened: the daughter moving in, the screaming, putting the Internet ahead of you, and so on. See what they think, and if they'd be willing to come with you to talk to him. The #1 thing your husband has to get into his head is that his daughter will never learn to walk as long as he's willing to push her in a wheelchair everywhere she wants to go. He seems to have ensured that she doesn't have to grow up, and that's just flat-out mistreating her.

If the whole thing falls apart, though, it's only been three months. If he listens and he's willing to try harder, give him another month or two and see what happens. If not, cut your losses: there isn't that much time invested in this.

A marriage shouldn't be a constant battle of hatred for decades on end. Longevity itself is a contemptible goal.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-22-2009, 10:15 PM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

The reason I said in a loving manner is because getting upset and showing hostility will not fix anything. My advice would be to turn it over to the Lord and pray about it first.


I like the way you give her Biblical advice in one breath and then advise her to get a divorce in another. God hate divorce, that is why you are committing adultery in most cases after you "Re-marry".

For sure it's a bad situation but both of them need to sit down and discuss the situation with a calm head and not blow things up.
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2009, 08:44 AM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

@beninyourshoes: the Bible gives a lot of advice about how a marriage should be. Yes, the ideal Biblical marriage lasts until death; it also involves love and mutual respect.

In my view, a lot of people are willing to accept a marriage with neither love nor mutual respect, so long as it lasts for life. But if the marriage has failed to meet Biblical standards for behavior and attitude, what's the point in pretending that it's somehow Biblically okay if they stay together?

When you share the world with sinners, there will be times when you have no perfectly good choice: anything you do will fall short of Biblical standards, one way or another. In such a circumstance, you have to pick the least-bad option. Sometimes that means getting a divorce.

Consider this: a man might continue to breathe for many years if he is a coward and avoids any confrontation or danger, running away from any hazard instead of helping others. But while such a life may be long, I'm not sure it would be admirable or worth living. Longevity itself, with no regard to honor or decency, is an unworthy goal. As for an individual, so for a couple.
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2009, 11:07 AM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

I got ordained on the Internet... hmmm - before and after I was the same person. I did it because the guy who bought my company and embezzled a million from it was a "reverend" - the employees automatically gave him the benefit of the doubt because they "could trust him since he was a man of God."
Well - that aside - being a preacher doesn't make him any different.

The more I study religions - the more I see how ignorant and blind people can be. Example - why is Christmas on December 25th? Because in 400 AD, Constantine had to convince the pagans it was okay so he said the last day of their 3 day Winter Solstice festival was the big day and why not call it the "celebration of the birth of Christ". Where is Santa in the Bible? Did you know the Easter Bunny and the Easter Egg are the symbols of the Moon God and Sun God which are part of the Spring time festival - which matches up nicely with Easter. There were 80 gospels, but the Nacine Conference decided that just 4 of them would do. Why for thousands of years were only clerics taught Latin and taught the bible in Latin instead of the local language - power.

People want to believe in something. By titling your post "married to a preacher" - you no doubt are shocked that a preacher or the belief that religion or a person associated with that profession could be held to a higher standard.

This guy is a louse no matter what his title may be. It sounds like you have been married before - and there is no way that you should settle for this conspiracy and have to give this guy any slack.

Find your own faith and your own principles - you don't have anything to gain from this guy.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-23-2009, 03:28 PM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

Originally Posted by Everest View Post
Example - why is Christmas on December 25th? Because in 400 AD, Constantine had to convince the pagans it was okay so he said the last day of their 3 day Winter Solstice festival was the big day and why not call it the "celebration of the birth of Christ".
This is a common misconception. The real reason doesn't make much sense, but it's got nothing to do with Saturnalia or the Winter Solstice.

Many people at the time Christmas was starting to be celebrated believed in the completeness of cycles: things should happen in full. (We still like cycles, which is why we remember anniversaries of things once a year.) The best date they had for the Crucifixion was 25 March, and since they figured God would make everything happen in perfect cycles they concluded that Jesus must have been conceived on 25 March too. So, if he was conceived on 25 March, that means he would have been born 9 months later, on 25 December.

There is nothing in the Bible which supports this "things in full cycles" belief, and so the date is clearly just the result of speculation. But it wasn't because of the Roman festivals, most of which were on the wane by the time Christmas got started anyway.

Here's a link: How December 25 Became Christmas - Biblical Archaeology Review
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-27-2009, 01:48 PM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

Toss this leaching man and his basket case kid out of your house and get an annulment. You are being used for your resources by someone who uses religiosity to manipulate.
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-30-2009, 02:13 AM
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Re: Newly married to a preacher...HELP!!!

Religion has nothing to do with the "Will" of a man. He has free will to make decisions. You are to old to fall victim and submit to things you know are not correct within or outside of beliefs systems. If he feels that enabling his children will help them not be co-dependent...this is his crutch not yours. When it comes to children in blended families, the communication with both the wife and family members, must have a tone set in the early stages of the relationship. If not, you could run into a power struggle for the attention.
When you say you miss him, you must take a moment and evaluate what is it that you really miss. Think about your real needs vs. your wants. Then place his name by the ones he contributes to and the percentage of his contributions. If you find that the percentages and weighting larger on your side you must note that. Understand that marriage is a partnership and it will not always be 50/50 in every area. It okay as long as you understand in the areas where you are 40 and he is 40...that is not 100% that means 20% is open to be filled with anything including TOXIC ENERGY.
To many people stay in toxic relationships based upon religion beliefs. People who use religion as a weapon for spiritual destruction are not always aware of their actions. Because the behavior is learned early on and many time goes without correction. You can be a victim of circumstance or victor in resolution. The choice is yours.

Last edited by moonlover; 12-30-2009 at 02:40 AM.
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