laurel20708

My husband a I have been together for almost 10 years. Through the years there have been many examples of things he has done that show his selfishness and lack of regard for my feelings or our relationship. I am at wits end but really need some good christian advice so here goes...
1 year into our relationship my husband wanted to go to college, so he worked part time, went to school full time and I shouldered to responsibilities of the household by working full time and working extra ours for OT whenever I had to opportunity. He was apparently having a hard time in school or bored or whatever so he stops going to class while still going to campus and working out, hanging out etc. when i found out i was livid but forgave him...
shortly after this happened i lost my job and my husband stepped up big time working 2 jobs to make sure we could make ends meet.
3 years into our relationship he was promoted to a manager overseeing a huge district--this afforded him to do very well finacially--instead of taking his job seriously he would often not follow up with his staff and/or customers eventually resulting in him loosing his job. I would often help try and fill in the gap by calling customers back, coordinating events for his staff etc..Also during this time we were both very involved in church- he would often not do his work responsibilities in order to volunteer extra time doing church projects. As I metioned he did eventually loose his job.
now jobless we decided to move to live closer to my aunt/uncle who owned a family business. he worked at the business as mnager while i was able to find something in my field. working at the family business did not pay well plus due to the economy sometime his paychecks did not come at all. i understood especially being my family so i shouldered the responsiblity to make sure the bills were paid. during this time i later found out he started a relationship with someone from the business. he assures me nothing more happened but fantasy - but i did find pictures where they sent to each other where they each wore undergarments...i did find out that he did send this girl money which although it was not alot angered me because during that time i was paying all the bills...
business did eventually pick up and he was paid regularly wage and would often deposit his checks into our joint acct. things seem to be going pretty good...even with his deposits i still paid the majority of the bills but his income allowed us to save as well as spend money on vacation etc.
fast forward to a few weeks ago. we went on vacation and spent waay more money than we planned. when we came back i mentioned that my aunt offered to pay him more if he was willing to work an extra day (6 days). i told him we could really use the extra money--he was not at all interested. a few weeks later my uncle tells him about a great deal he could get on a motorcycle from a mutual friend...all of a sudden my husband is now working 6 days without problem and the regular deposits to the acct has stopped. i still continue to shoulder the burden of the rent, utilities, both car payment etc. I am pretty much at wits end and wondering if I am an idiot for allowing him to do whatever he wants without consequence while i shoulder the responsibilities. ... do you think i am overacting? we are now in the christmas season i have no money and he has been spending most of his money on purchasing this motorcycle (of which i am against)...sorry for the long post but i really wanted to make sure you got a good picture of things...thanks in advance.

justgluit

Hi Laurel,
Sounds like a tough situation. I commend you for being such a supportive wife to your husband as he pursued his goals and even through the setbacks which he brought upon himself. By doing so, you've demonstrated a strong "team" concept which is needed in marriage. You have also been forgiving, which is always a plus.
I'm no expert in the area so my counsel may not meet the skill level you're seeking, but here goes. First of all, you're not overreacting by being disappointed about your present financial arrangements. You have good reason to be concerned about the lack of balance in the situation. It affects your financial future, how you feel about you, your perception of him, and ultimately your marriage.
I understand why you are against the purchase of the motorcycle. It's an irresponsible decision and furthermore, it should have been both discussed AND agreed upon. Obviously that did not happen. I sympathize with your frustration and feel that your next steps are critical. Insisting that he give up the bike and demanding a drastic change in your financial arrangements may trigger an explosive situation between you so I would use a "snowball" method of regaining some balance. I would agree to let him purchase the bike under the condition that he resumes making a reasonable deposit into the joint account that you've spoken of. After the purchase of the bike is complete, he should roll those funds into picking up some of the bills freeing some of YOUR funds to be deposited as well. This will bring you into an equal partnership that works for both of you.
For what it's worth, I'd like to say THIS as well. To your credit, your husband has a wonderful partner in you. He would be sadly mistaken if he ever took that for granted. With that being said, the only way that he'll ever be able to maintain a healthy respect for you is that YOU step up in the area of respecting you and allow him to be all that God has called him to be as a man. I hope that my input has helped.

Justgluit

P.S. If you choose to implement this suggestion (or some version of it), try to present it in a non-threatening way with the goal of creating equal ownership in both the bills and the savings.