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post #31 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-09-2013, 10:37 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

You can't really kill yourself by overguessing as to why a spouse would passive aggressively shut down and move to the couch...with the only stated reason for pulling away is that there is a lack of kindness. Sounds to me like a lame deflection to keep things away from the real issue. My guess is that there is porn involved or having some sort of online affair.
I have been through this with my own wife (cheated on me)...and we are Christians...and regardless of belief systems...when a spouse feels entitled to withhold without explanation...bad things creep in.
It's best to throw the blinders off...and get confrontational about his garbage behavior. Force a crisis by setting boundaries (i.e. we either go get counseling and get to the bottom of this or I'm packing up and leaving). Don't let this stretch out any longer than it has to.

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post #32 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-10-2013, 03:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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You can't really kill yourself by overguessing as to why a spouse would passive aggressively shut down and move to the couch...with the only stated reason for pulling away is that there is a lack of kindness. Sounds to me like a lame deflection to keep things away from the real issue. My guess is that there is porn involved or having some sort of online affair.
I have been through this with my own wife (cheated on me)...and we are Christians...and regardless of belief systems...when a spouse feels entitled to withhold without explanation...bad things creep in.
It's best to throw the blinders off...and get confrontational about his garbage behavior. Force a crisis by setting boundaries (i.e. we either go get counseling and get to the bottom of this or I'm packing up and leaving). Don't let this stretch out any longer than it has to.
Not only has he moved to the couch (2 weeks ago) but I've been on the silent treatment for 80 plus days now... every attempt I've made to break the silence has put the wall between us even higher so I've made my decision, I'm leaving. This is not the first time it has happened, in our four years of marriage, I've received the ST so many times, he's left the bed so many nights and for reasons that son't deserve this kind of treatment....

Is there porn involved? probably... is there an affair? most probably, I have ZERO proof but my intuition tells me there is another person in here... I mean in 2 years we've been intimate twice! and bringing up the issue ends up in me getting the ST so he knows I wont go there.

Once I asked him if he was seeing someone (earlier on) and he responded that if I didn't trust him, there was no point of us even staying together since trust is the basis of marriage end of conversation!
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post #33 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-10-2013, 10:43 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Leave & don't look back. He has shut you out of his life, so time to move on. He'll realize eventually how he screwed up, but you deserve & will find happiness.
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post #34 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-10-2013, 05:24 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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Thanks & I was thinking the same thing, I'm figuring God has kept me here with her for a reason, so He'll take care of me.
Don't wait for God to fix your marriage. Start working on it yourself. If He wants to pitch in, all the better.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #35 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-10-2013, 08:58 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

I've been working on it & have done everything possible. I take the good with the bad & we go on. I can't create passion that isn't there. We still have a lot of positive things & by evidence of some other posts, things could be a lot worse.
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post #36 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-14-2013, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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I've been working on it & have done everything possible. I take the good with the bad & we go on. I can't create passion that isn't there. We still have a lot of positive things & by evidence of some other posts, things could be a lot worse.
It is good that you still have a lot of positive points!
I can't remember what my H looks like naked... he never dresses in front of me and locks to bathroom door to keep me out... turns the other way when I get dressed in his presence... what a sad way to live!
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post #37 of 39 (permalink) Old 11-14-2013, 04:34 PM
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Sexless marriage and divorce

I don't know how you do it? Some days I wish things were that bad for me so I could call it quits. She does just enough to keep me here, but still not a marriage.
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post #38 of 39 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 07:45 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Troubledlinda, are there any clues to his avoidance and compartmentalization of sexual intimacy? Maybe I missed it before, but is sex his biggest issue?

Does he meet your other needs at all?

Perhaps he has a chemical imbalance. Perhaps it is psychological or a result of sexual abuse of some sort from his past that is preventing him from engaging you intimately.

Whatever the true cause of this problem . . . to me his biggest offense is his refusal to acknowledge and deal with this as a problem. Passive aggressive behavior only makes this worse for you. He owes you that acknowledgement that there is a problem and doing something positive about it. Marriage is about unity that is based on mutual deference.

I feel for you in this predicament. Has he abandoned you in other ways?

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post #39 of 39 (permalink) Old 01-12-2014, 04:28 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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My husband of 4 years has completely lost interest in having sex with me, this happened gradually over time. In the past 2 years, we had sex twice (last time being i january this year). When I try to bring it up he gets upset and gives me the silent treatment...

Recently I brought it up again and he said that he didn't marry me to take care of my sexual needs and that he is no longer attracted to me because I am not kind...

I am wandering where he gets his needs met? I am suspecting either pronography or he's having an affair... but I've snooped and haven't found anything suspicious.

My question is, if a married couple doesn't have sex for a long period of time (let's say a year) can that be a biblical reason for separation/divorce even if there is no proof of adultery?

I am a Christian, he doesn't believe in God.
(For more details on my situation, I have another thread going under silent treament)
Sex is an important part of marriage. In my opinion, no intimacy after just 4 years is a criminal offence! Give him a week or month's notice that he must do something to satisfy your need as a wife or you may be forced to ask for separation/divorce. Good luck!
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