Sexless marriage and divorce - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 12:59 PM Thread Starter
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Sexless marriage and divorce

My husband of 4 years has completely lost interest in having sex with me, this happened gradually over time. In the past 2 years, we had sex twice (last time being i january this year). When I try to bring it up he gets upset and gives me the silent treatment...

Recently I brought it up again and he said that he didn't marry me to take care of my sexual needs and that he is no longer attracted to me because I am not kind...

I am wandering where he gets his needs met? I am suspecting either pronography or he's having an affair... but I've snooped and haven't found anything suspicious.

My question is, if a married couple doesn't have sex for a long period of time (let's say a year) can that be a biblical reason for separation/divorce even if there is no proof of adultery?

I am a Christian, he doesn't believe in God.
(For more details on my situation, I have another thread going under silent treament)

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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 01:17 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Divorce is allowed when one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Your husband has deserted you when it comes to intimacy.

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce? - Focus on the Family
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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 01:17 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

So what have you done that he believes is not kind?
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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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So what have you done that he believes is not kind?
He doesn't say. I told him that people show kindness in different ways (like the 5 love languages type thing) and that he should tell him what he consideres kind and unkind but he doesn't ever say what he means by it...

He blames me for our marriage being the way it is but he doesn't give me anything to work with.
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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 08:15 PM
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Sexless marriage and divorce

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Originally Posted by EleGirl View Post
Divorce is allowed when one spouse is not a Christian, and that spouse willfully and permanently deserts the Christian spouse (1 Corinthians 7:15).

Your husband has deserted you when it comes to intimacy.

How Should a Christian View Marriage and Divorce? - Focus on the Family
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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 08:18 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... should be written into the vows....but even without this....the words themselves..."the vow to love , honor & cherish"....so I feel = a happening mutually pleasurable "fulfilling each others physical needs" sex life...which also has the power to lift us up in the emotional ...or drain us feeling unloved, undesired...rejected, deeply unfulfilled in our marriages...

It's just NOT Ok...

Quote:
Troubledlinda said: He doesn't say. I told him that people show kindness in different ways (like the 5 love languages type thing) and that he should tell him what he consideres kind and unkind but he doesn't ever say what he means by it...

He blames me for our marriage being the way it is but he doesn't give me anything to work with.
You said he gives you the Silent Treatment when you try to talk about this ...this is Passive aggressive behavior...a marriage destroyer...

It is a form of control... can read more about this here >>

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 08:36 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left. Most of the time they will try to drive you away & then blame you when you finally leave. Christian/non Christian marriages never last. My ex only attended church to appease her Mom, when we needed a babysitter etc. She cheated to finally drive me away because she wanted the single life again. She showed anger & silent treatments as well when I tried to improve us, because she no longer wanted "us", so it became irritating to her. Once one partner refuses to try, then its over!!!
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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 03:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... It's just NOT Ok...
The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger
For us it has come down to once a year! In a recent argument, he said that he didn't marry me to fulfill my sexual needs

The most upsetting part for me is that, if he's not getting it at home, where is he getting it? He never gets dressed in front of me, locks the bathroom door when he's in there and looks the other way if I get dressed in his presence...
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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I feel a sexless marriage (10 or less times a year - according to sex Therapists)... should be written into the vows....but even without this....the words themselves..."the vow to love , honor & cherish"....so I feel = a happening mutually pleasurable "fulfilling each others physical needs" sex life...which also has the power to lift us up in the emotional ...or drain us feeling unloved, undesired...rejected, deeply unfulfilled in our marriages...

It's just NOT Ok...

You said he gives you the Silent Treatment when you try to talk about this ...this is Passive aggressive behavior...a marriage destroyer...

It is a form of control... can read more about this here >>

The Boomerang Relationship: Passivity, Irresponsibility and Resulting Partner Anger
This is one of the best articles I've read so far... thanks for sharing
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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 01:37 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Take a look at this: Intimacy Anorexia

He has an aversion to intimacy (sexual, spiritual and emotional). Also most certainly an addiction to porn and/or masturbation. There's a 10 question quiz on that site - bet he scores 100.

So sorry. That place has a good program, but he has to want to change.

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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 02:39 AM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

Honestly Linda I'm surprised that you even want to have sex with your husband the way he treats you. I don't understand why you don't leave him, I really don't.

By removing sex and intimacy from your marriage, he in fact has broken the marriage contract - sex is implied when you get married.
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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 03:07 AM Thread Starter
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Honestly Linda I'm surprised that you even want to have sex with your husband the way he treats you. I don't understand why you don't leave him, I really don't.

By removing sex and intimacy from your marriage, he in fact has broken the marriage contract - sex is implied when you get married.
Hi, at the moment I'm not into having sex with him... I've lost interest a while back after being rejected so many times... I dont feel close to him at all and I need to, to want to have seex with him.
I guess, I just wanted to have people opinion on the subject. I keep wandering where he's'getting it from as I have no evidence of him cheating on me.
I am preparing myself to leave him... I've had enough of this mistreatment.
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-30-2013, 08:39 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left
Linda
You do have a justification for divorce. It is my experience that when a sexless marriage happens, it is because of deeper issues that need to be addressed however, both partners must be willing to attend counseling.
Do you know if he has any sexual traumas from his past?
Does he like to look at other women?

Would be he willing to attend counseling to fix this issue?
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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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Linda
You do have a justification for divorce. It is my experience that when a sexless marriage happens, it is because of deeper issues that need to be addressed however, both partners must be willing to attend counseling.
Do you know if he has any sexual traumas from his past?
Does he like to look at other women?

Would be he willing to attend counseling to fix this issue?
Hello,

My H has never talked much of his past... I know that he's had like 2 serious relationships but mostly he's been in non-commited relashionships.

In regards to sexual traumas, I have no idea!

I've suggested MC for a long time but he says he has no problem and if only I would fix myself, things would be so much better in our marriage!
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post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 10-31-2013, 01:09 PM
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Re: Sexless marriage and divorce

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Originally Posted by woundedwarrior View Post
Divorce is more than justified. Spouses that completely shut out any interest in improving a marriage, have already left. Most of the time they will try to drive you away & then blame you when you finally leave. Christian/non Christian marriages never last. My ex only attended church to appease her Mom, when we needed a babysitter etc. She cheated to finally drive me away because she wanted the single life again. She showed anger & silent treatments as well when I tried to improve us, because she no longer wanted "us", so it became irritating to her. Once one partner refuses to try, then its over!!!
The thing that caught me about this post was what you said:
"Christian/Non Christian marriages never last."

Looking back, my marital problems coincided with me becoming a believer in Jesus Christ. I do believe it had something to do with my divorce. (I'm not blaming God, it's not His fault, however)
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