I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.
We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it.
This is so very very sad... This is why I feel Christianity goes too far when it comes to
.... God gave us these desires...back then people married in their TEENS ... not that we have to go ALL THE WAY...we don't...we can have an agreed boundary written in the sand -if this is what you both want... but it's important to keep the intimacy...your sex drives still pumping...some fantasy, anticipation for each other... this must be...or it's not healthy....
Just Her said: The brain is an amazing organ, it will believe what it is told. We are constantly talking to ourselves. You have been telling yourself "no sex, no sex, no sex" for so long, you have trained your brain for "no sex".
This HAS happened to others.. >>
I will never forget the story I read on a The Marriagebed .org
...(a Christian sex forum)...it was years ago now but I never forgot it...this couple met at college, had hot sex for a time, then they both got "saved" and decided - to go cold turkey (for God).. no touching... well... in time his Girlfriend/ now fiance lost all sexual wantings/ feelings towards the act... by the time they got to marriage, he was ready to jump in where they left off... excited, anticipated (he didn't discuss how heh handled himself - my guess lots of masturbating -thinking of her alone)... - on their wedding night...she says to him....she hasn't thought about sex for a long long time, has no want of it, and never cares if she has it again...he heart sank... and here he was posting this 6 months into their marriage... no change, he was distraught, beside himself and depressed, a lonely man contemplating getting a divorce.....
I wanted to scream into my computer...it was so obvious what happened here... and they DID IT TO THEMSELVES... was it really God's rules that set this up.. or man's RULES to how stringent we THINK God expects of us... (this is what I see- personally)....
She utterly repressed/ suppressed her sex drive towards him...it simply DIDN'T have to happen... .those 2 could have continued touching... the emotional connection growing ... and held off the PIV sex... this would have been DO-able.. instead they jumped to the PURITY route -that makes one feel guilty/ ashamed of any sort of sexual anything....for our God given natural drives towards each other... some things should be saved till marriage -if we feel strongly about them... but why such a black & white, all or nothing mentality.. I see this far too often in christian circles, it ends up hurting more than it helps.. causing great REPRESSION in our young people. >>
Another story... Please click here -Read post # 74
... same thing... even more similar to your dilemma...they were Youth leaders...her lust for him was very intense in the beginning...so strong she had to pray against it....and well ... something snapped, it was TURNED OFF...she got her prayers answered alright.....she lost any sexual feelings she had at all...it was so bad her marriage was sexless for the 1st 3-4 yrs...her poor husband .... and she needed Therapy to turn this around... very very
.. these things do NOT have to happen. When she came to this forum , she was just getting in touch with those feelings again... she was angry at all she missed & put her husband through...trying to pick up the pieces...
Me & my husband... I was the one trying to live as "a good girl"...back then... christian beliefs ....what conflict with my raging hormones it was !@#$ I can say this.... there was no way on the side of enjoying my life or BF we wasn't going to touch below the belt.. we just held off on intercourse.. some may call that "riding the fence" and judge me/ us.. that's fune...I'll take it...
But for us...we felt good about what we did, how we loved...and still having something new & beautiful to bring to our wedding day (intercourse).....and our emotional connection flourished ..we never lost our sex drives.. plus we weren't going stark raving mad with-holding touching each other either.
I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.
Do you know if he masturbates ? Can he talk openly about this -without shame ? Or does his beliefs feel this is wrong also...
Most men-even those with christian beliefs still struggle wanting to Look, touch, get frisky, overloads of testosterone can really mess with their heads and generally they want to go there..badly...and even sneak porn on occasion...... even on that christian forum... which sub section has the highest post count... "Pornography"...
Even if a couple is not having sex, they should be able to open up and talk deeply about Sex...good to read books in preparaton before marriage... this is very healthy...
These are 2 really good ones: 1. Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books
(Christian author)- wonderful book!@# 2. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, Books
- don't let the title be little you, it's a great book!
It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.
this is not a good place to be. I think you both need to start touching each other... I'm dead serious...awaken the passion...the intimacy....just vow to not go all the way.. My goodness..is this such a sin!... I think I'd wonder if he has Gay tendencies if he can't go here.. You and he both need to be reawakened by each others touch...you are going to marry this man!@#$
WHat has been the furthest you and he has went intimacy wise in the last 4 yrs? Has he ever had sex in his past ? you ? Have you both talked about this ?
On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?
extremely risky to go into a marriage feeling this way, I would NEVER DO IT !! I'd tell my sons to run like hell from a woman who felt this way..(sorry just being honest!).....but even you, if he didn't want to touch you...I'd say the same...These are very bad signs... you & he should be highly anticipating, thirsting for this glorious day to be together, cementing your Union, this fusion you have waited for, that means so very much to you both..representing you & he as ONE... Nothing less.
About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?
THis part sounds concerning to me.. how did he feel you was not RESPECTING HIM.
.. and what is his father LIKE ?? How do YOU feel about his father...and does HE look up to him ? Do not miss such red flags.
I ask...as some men can take the scriptures and brow beat...in unhealthy manipulative ways that was never meant to be... be weary here. I married a very loving man, I have never been met with the "you are not respecting me enough
" talk from him...
Both of us realise that sex is not the most important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.
Never underestimate the power and wondermous intimacy sex brings to a marriage... it may be less than 10% of your union, but when one is not getting enough/ mismatched libido's , one feeling rejected/ undesired... it can cut like a knife, cause horrendous frustration/ resentment - we don't marry to be celibate ! - so it can feel like 90% of your marital issues..
There are different Libido Types
... Lover styles
.. Sex is a very deep and vast subject... the learning & growing is always there. .
'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.
touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way... We waited for intercourse for over 6 long years (I was 15 when we met)... until our wedding night..(that is what I wanted) ..
...we never struggled with the things you & he are going through... we both knew we loved sex...and could orgasm... but sure... a little judgement from the church (not that I was anxiously opening my mouth about it)..... I wouldn't care about that...most sitting in those pews do not even wait....
I do not believe GOD is that much of a kill Joy...he wants us to enjoy ourselves down here - -to love and feel loved.. intimacy is huge part of this.. but in all things... use integrity, don't use people... marriage is a blessing..it is the foundation of the family structure... Go into it wisely... I vote.. Reawaken the passion !