christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex - Talk About Marriage
Relationships and Spirituality The place to look for faith based solutions.

User Tag List

 90Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.

We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it.

This has happened to me before in a previous relationship, where after several years of restricted sexual contact, it turned into a brother/sister relationship... and then someone else came along who fired me up!

I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.

It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.

On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?

About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?

Both of us realise that sex is not the most important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.

What do you think? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd be so grateful for any thoughts, it has been weighing down on me for months.

A little more info: I am 29, he is 32, we don't share an apartment but spend most of our time together. We have been engaged 4 months, but there's no date yet as I have been holding if off because of this worry!

'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.

Therapy/counceling is not really possible where I live either.

Thanks so much for reading this.

onebigknot is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-04-2013, 06:49 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 4,345
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

I have to wonder if the spark can be rekindled, given how you now feel. I guess that's the key consideration, as it would be unfair to him to marry him if you do not desire him. He's waited this long - and I'm sure he expects a LOT more from marriage.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is online now  
post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-05-2013, 01:10 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 795
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

One thing you could try is to talk to yourself. This can reset your brain. The brain is an amazing organ, it will believe what it is told. We are constantly talking to ourselves. You have been telling yourself "no sex, no sex, no sex" for so long, you have trained your brain for "no sex".

Start telling yourself "I can't wait to have sex with .... on our wedding night", "I can't wait to share myself with this great person, on our wedding night", etc.

Sexual enjoyment is not only physical, but emotional as well. I am sure you will be shocked to learn that women can have orgasms in their sleep, while dreaming. This is brought on strictly from the brain with no physical stimulation at all. So, talk to yourself.
JustHer is offline  
post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-05-2013, 09:46 AM
Member
 
SimplyAmorous's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 13,818
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by onebigknot View Post
I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.

We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it.
This is so very very sad... This is why I feel Christianity goes too far when it comes to .... God gave us these desires...back then people married in their TEENS ... not that we have to go ALL THE WAY...we don't...we can have an agreed boundary written in the sand -if this is what you both want... but it's important to keep the intimacy...your sex drives still pumping...some fantasy, anticipation for each other... this must be...or it's not healthy....

Quote:
Just Her said: The brain is an amazing organ, it will believe what it is told. We are constantly talking to ourselves. You have been telling yourself "no sex, no sex, no sex" for so long, you have trained your brain for "no sex".


This HAS happened to others..

>> I will never forget the story I read on a The Marriagebed .org ...(a Christian sex forum)...it was years ago now but I never forgot it...this couple met at college, had hot sex for a time, then they both got "saved" and decided - to go cold turkey (for God).. no touching... well... in time his Girlfriend/ now fiance lost all sexual wantings/ feelings towards the act... by the time they got to marriage, he was ready to jump in where they left off... excited, anticipated (he didn't discuss how heh handled himself - my guess lots of masturbating -thinking of her alone)... - on their wedding night...she says to him....she hasn't thought about sex for a long long time, has no want of it, and never cares if she has it again...he heart sank... and here he was posting this 6 months into their marriage... no change, he was distraught, beside himself and depressed, a lonely man contemplating getting a divorce.....

I wanted to scream into my computer...it was so obvious what happened here... and they DID IT TO THEMSELVES... was it really God's rules that set this up.. or man's RULES to how stringent we THINK God expects of us... (this is what I see- personally)....

She utterly repressed/ suppressed her sex drive towards him...it simply DIDN'T have to happen... .those 2 could have continued touching... the emotional connection growing ... and held off the PIV sex... this would have been DO-able.. instead they jumped to the PURITY route -that makes one feel guilty/ ashamed of any sort of sexual anything....for our God given natural drives towards each other... some things should be saved till marriage -if we feel strongly about them... but why such a black & white, all or nothing mentality.. I see this far too often in christian circles, it ends up hurting more than it helps.. causing great REPRESSION in our young people.

>> Another story... Please click here -Read post # 74 ... same thing... even more similar to your dilemma...they were Youth leaders...her lust for him was very intense in the beginning...so strong she had to pray against it....and well ... something snapped, it was TURNED OFF...she got her prayers answered alright.....she lost any sexual feelings she had at all...it was so bad her marriage was sexless for the 1st 3-4 yrs...her poor husband .... and she needed Therapy to turn this around... very very .. these things do NOT have to happen. When she came to this forum , she was just getting in touch with those feelings again... she was angry at all she missed & put her husband through...trying to pick up the pieces...

Me & my husband... I was the one trying to live as "a good girl"...back then... christian beliefs ....what conflict with my raging hormones it was !@#$ I can say this.... there was no way on the side of enjoying my life or BF we wasn't going to touch below the belt.. we just held off on intercourse.. some may call that "riding the fence" and judge me/ us.. that's fune...I'll take it...

But for us...we felt good about what we did, how we loved...and still having something new & beautiful to bring to our wedding day (intercourse).....and our emotional connection flourished ..we never lost our sex drives.. plus we weren't going stark raving mad with-holding touching each other either.

Quote:
I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.
Do you know if he masturbates ? Can he talk openly about this -without shame ? Or does his beliefs feel this is wrong also...

Most men-even those with christian beliefs still struggle wanting to Look, touch, get frisky, overloads of testosterone can really mess with their heads and generally they want to go there..badly...and even sneak porn on occasion...... even on that christian forum... which sub section has the highest post count... "Pornography"...

Even if a couple is not having sex, they should be able to open up and talk deeply about Sex...good to read books in preparaton before marriage... this is very healthy...

These are 2 really good ones:

1. Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books (Christian author)- wonderful book!@#

2. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, Books- don't let the title be little you, it's a great book!


Quote:
It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.
this is not a good place to be. I think you both need to start touching each other... I'm dead serious...awaken the passion...the intimacy....just vow to not go all the way.. My goodness..is this such a sin!... I think I'd wonder if he has Gay tendencies if he can't go here.. You and he both need to be reawakened by each others touch...you are going to marry this man!@#$

WHat has been the furthest you and he has went intimacy wise in the last 4 yrs? Has he ever had sex in his past ? you ? Have you both talked about this ?

Quote:
On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?
extremely risky to go into a marriage feeling this way, I would NEVER DO IT !! I'd tell my sons to run like hell from a woman who felt this way..(sorry just being honest!).....but even you, if he didn't want to touch you...I'd say the same...These are very bad signs... you & he should be highly anticipating, thirsting for this glorious day to be together, cementing your Union, this fusion you have waited for, that means so very much to you both..representing you & he as ONE... Nothing less.

Quote:
About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?
THis part sounds concerning to me.. how did he feel you was not RESPECTING HIM... and what is his father LIKE ?? How do YOU feel about his father...and does HE look up to him ? Do not miss such red flags.

I ask...as some men can take the scriptures and brow beat...in unhealthy manipulative ways that was never meant to be... be weary here. I married a very loving man, I have never been met with the "you are not respecting me enough" talk from him...

Quote:
Both of us realise that sex is not the most important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.
Never underestimate the power and wondermous intimacy sex brings to a marriage... it may be less than 10% of your union, but when one is not getting enough/ mismatched libido's , one feeling rejected/ undesired... it can cut like a knife, cause horrendous frustration/ resentment - we don't marry to be celibate ! - so it can feel like 90% of your marital issues..

There are different Libido Types... Lover styles.. Sex is a very deep and vast subject... the learning & growing is always there. .


Quote:
'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.
touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way... We waited for intercourse for over 6 long years (I was 15 when we met)... until our wedding night..(that is what I wanted) .. ...we never struggled with the things you & he are going through... we both knew we loved sex...and could orgasm... but sure... a little judgement from the church (not that I was anxiously opening my mouth about it)..... I wouldn't care about that...most sitting in those pews do not even wait....

I do not believe GOD is that much of a kill Joy...he wants us to enjoy ourselves down here - -to love and feel loved.. intimacy is huge part of this.. but in all things... use integrity, don't use people... marriage is a blessing..it is the foundation of the family structure... Go into it wisely... I vote.. Reawaken the passion !
SimplyAmorous is offline  
post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-05-2013, 10:03 AM
Member
 
norajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 4,378
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
this is not a good place to be. I think you both need to start touching each other... I'm dead serious...awaken the passion...the intimacy....just vow to not go all the way..

touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way...


Start ramping up for marriage right now!

If you don't masturbate, please start and try fantasizing about your husband, how his hands will feel on your body, how he will feel to you.

Do a lot of making out and "everything but" so that you stir up the dormant desire that's just waiting to catch fire.

Think about sex, read about sex, talk about sex. The more it's on your mind, the stronger your desire will be for each other. Flirt with each other, tease each other, touch each other.
norajane is offline  
post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-05-2013, 11:48 AM
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 4,526
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Take this advice from SA and NoraJane and run with it. Just do yourself a favor. DO NOT get married until you get this sorted out.

I understand you have personal boundaries regarding premarital sex, and therapy isn't an option for whatever reason. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that the way to act with integrity here is to be honest with your fiance about how you're feeling and be adamant that you won't get married until you have this issue sorted out. Don't count on things fixing themselves just because you have a wedding ceremony.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
Fozzy is offline  
post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-06-2013, 12:20 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 35
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Have you thought about going to a medical doctor to see if perhaps some medication, hormonal imbalance or other medical issue could be the culprit? Can you talk with your pastor or pastor's wife about this? Maybe you'll find this series of articles from the Focus on the Family website helpful in changing the way you view sex. God's Design for Sex. You might also want to get a copy of the book by Clifford and Joyce Penner, The Gift of Sex. Hoping you get this figured out soon!
COfan is offline  
post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-09-2013, 11:01 PM
Member
 
FormerSelf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Pacific Northwest, USA
Posts: 1,568
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Depending on your personal background there could be lots of reasons as to why your sense of security has been triggered regarding sex. Sex, however, is not an isolated part of us yet traditional Christian approach to it often compartmentalizes sexuality, mainly by not bringing it up.
There is an expectaion or feeling from sex that you are hoping to achieve and it predicated on factors that you may not quite know what they are. At the same time you sense that your respect for him has been compromised and that is hugely affecting how sexual you feel towards him. This isn't about sex...this is really about specific things that you hope to see in your partner...and preparing your life together. When certain things aren't in place...your openness, your vulnerability are challenged regarding him...AND THAT ALWAYS will affect how sexual you will feel towards him...as sex is the ultimate state of vulnerability...of intimacy.
Now you have to ask yourself...is it really him? Or is he paying for someone else that maybe hurt you? Are his trangressions really that destructive or maybe you have a problem with forgiving people? In either case, if you don't feel sexual towards someone you don't feel sexual someone. And if that is a dealbreaker for you, then you better figure it out now...cos if you just ignore it then it will just go bad later. It has to be confronted...and you can't be worried about his feelings, cos if he can't deal with hard stuff now, then when will he deal with it? If you can't do the counseling thing then you need to get everybook on every subject regarding marriage, sex.
I was a nice Christian guy that married a Christian girl with a bad past. We were the best of friends, but we didn't deal with the big things before we got married. She had a hard time feeling sexual towards me because of her past and she had a hard time respecting me...so she cheated numerous times...off and on. Trust me...deal with the tough stuff now.
FormerSelf is offline  
post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-09-2013, 11:18 PM
Member
 
WorkingOnMe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 5,958
christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

When people make it to 30 and still a virgin the fact is they're not very sexual people. If you two were into it...into each other, you would have married years ago. Do yourself a favor; he's not the one.
WorkingOnMe is online now  
post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 11-11-2013, 11:55 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 164
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by WorkingOnMe View Post
When people make it to 30 and still a virgin the fact is they're not very sexual people. If you two were into it...into each other, you would have married years ago. Do yourself a favor; he's not the one.
I disagree. My husband and I waited the same amount of time before marriage and sex and we were all over each other once we tied the knot. We waited because of life circumstances or else we would have married sooner, me in my early 20's and him in his mid 20's.

I think what the OP is experiencing is a case of the "Let's put sex in a box." The box can only be opened on the wedding night. But wait...if sexuality is a part of human nature, technically the box should have been open all along, but taking sex OUT of the box doesn't need to be.

For one, aren't you two seeking counsel with a priest or pastor before marriage? Isn't that something that should almost be a requirement? Those meetings can be useful times to discuss sexual issues or concerns. Have you ever thought about talking to an older married Christian woman about this?

The problem here is the OP has told herself "no" so many times she forgot it's "when the time is right." That means it's not out of the picture, and by waiting so long it certainly feels like it's out of the picture. Waiting 4 years was freaking torture, I'll be honest. Too damn long for anyone to wait. I'm of the camp now that if you are hot for each other, know each other well warts and all, and want to marry, MARRY!

Do you two kiss deeply, hold hands, hug, cuddle, that stuff? I'd say those are pretty innocent things (I hear the IKDGB club running after me with torches and pitchforks!) and they are still sexual things without having sex. When was the last time he kissed you and you felt aroused? Do you even feel that way for him anymore?

reesespieces is offline  
post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 12-05-2013, 06:26 PM
Member
 
Clarence Rutherford's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 80
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
This is so very very sad... This is why I feel Christianity goes too far when it comes to .... God gave us these desires...back then people married in their TEENS ... not that we have to go ALL THE WAY...we don't...we can have an agreed boundary written in the sand -if this is what you both want... but it's important to keep the intimacy...your sex drives still pumping...some fantasy, anticipation for each other... this must be...or it's not healthy....
true.

Quote:
>> I will never forget the story I read on a The Marriagebed .org ...(a Christian sex forum)...it was years ago now but I never forgot it...this couple met at college, had hot sex for a time, then they both got "saved" and decided - to go cold turkey (for God).. no touching... well... in time his Girlfriend/ now fiance lost all sexual wantings/ feelings towards the act... by the time they got to marriage, he was ready to jump in where they left off... excited, anticipated (he didn't discuss how heh handled himself - my guess lots of masturbating -thinking of her alone)... - on their wedding night...she says to him....she hasn't thought about sex for a long long time, has no want of it, and never cares if she has it again...he heart sank... and here he was posting this 6 months into their marriage... no change, he was distraught, beside himself and depressed, a lonely man contemplating getting a divorce.....

I wanted to scream into my computer...it was so obvious what happened here... and they DID IT TO THEMSELVES... was it really God's rules that set this up.. or man's RULES to how stringent we THINK God expects of us... (this is what I see- personally)....
Tragic story.

It's one thing to engage in a lot of "sinful" sex, another to tone it down & realize the gravity of the couple's actions (before marriage).
Many couples do realize they're "sinning" & decide to stop the sex.
Nothing wrong with that.
But it's good to retain some type of sexual intimacy, even if it's only heavy petting or caressing, as Simply wisely advises.

Quote:
She utterly repressed/ suppressed her sex drive towards him...it simply DIDN'T have to happen... .those 2 could have continued touching... the emotional connection growing ... and held off the PIV sex... this would have been DO-able.. instead they jumped to the PURITY route -that makes one feel guilty/ ashamed of any sort of sexual anything....for our God given natural drives towards each other...
Wow... well-stated, Simply.
So true.

Women expect guys to be a bit forward and "try" things.
As a Christian, she should of course block his advances, particularly if he tries PIV, but otherwise...

Quote:
some things should be saved till marriage -if we feel strongly about them... but why such a black & white, all or nothing mentality..

I see this far too often in christian circles, it ends up hurting more than it helps..
causing great REPRESSION in our young people.
Agree completely.
Again, well-stated.

Quote:
Me & my husband... I was the one trying to live as "a good girl"...back then... christian beliefs ....what conflict with my raging hormones it was !@#$ I can say this.... there was no way on the side of enjoying my life or BF we wasn't going to touch below the belt.. we just held off on intercourse.. some may call that "riding the fence" and judge me/ us.. that's fune...I'll take it...

But for us...we felt good about what we did, how we loved...and still having something new & beautiful to bring to our wedding day (intercourse).....and our emotional connection flourished ..we never lost our sex drives.. plus we weren't going stark raving mad with-holding touching each other either.
Quote:
touching, making out... even giving each other orgasms .....a man doesn't have to stick it in.....and you both can learn a tremendous amount about each other -this way... We waited for intercourse for over 6 long years (I was 15 when we met)... until our wedding night..(that is what I
You did well and really were a true virgin @ marriage.
You may not have thought of it this way, but you doing "some" exploration was actually much more responsible than many other Christians?
Many went far farther & included PIV, which of course is sinful but understandable as we're all human.
Exploration like you did is completely normal, so don't feel bad about it.

Quote:
Most men-even those with christian beliefs still struggle wanting to Look, touch, get frisky, overloads of testosterone can really mess with their heads and generally they want to go there..badly...and even sneak porn on occasion...... even on that christian forum... which sub section has the highest post count... "Pornography"...
Very true. ALL men struggle.
Been there, done that and I STILL struggle. More on that later.

Quote:
Even if a couple is not having sex, they should be able to open up and talk deeply about Sex...good to read books in preparaton before marriage... this is very healthy...

These are 2 really good ones:

1. Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage: Books (Christian author)- wonderful book!@#

2. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Amazing Sex, Books- don't let the title be little you, it's a great book!
Good advice.
I recommend couples read books like SHEET MUSIC, which will give both parties a good picture of what should happen on the wedding night.

Last edited by Clarence Rutherford; 12-05-2013 at 08:28 PM.
Clarence Rutherford is offline  
post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 12-06-2013, 03:55 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Obamastan
Posts: 5,626
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by onebigknot View Post
I am engaged to be married to a great Christian guy. He is a catch: handsome, hard worker, and i am proud of him.

We have been dating for nearly 4 years. For the first year or so I was desperate to jump into bed with him, but we always resisted, saving ourselves for marriage. Now that marriage is actually on the horizon I realize I have gotten used to being 'hands off' and have virtually no sexual desire for him. I find it ok to make out with him, but if he grabs my boobs or puts his hand anywhere 'down there' I pull it away immediately. He thinks its because I'm being chaste but its because i have this repulsion against it.

This has happened to me before in a previous relationship, where after several years of restricted sexual contact, it turned into a brother/sister relationship... and then someone else came along who fired me up!

I have talked to my fiance about this a bit before, but its hard because it makes him sad and does nothing to help the situation.

It is depressing because I know I will never meet such a great match as my fiance again, but the thought of not looking forward to our wedding night, or possibly not enjoying being physical with him after that, is dreadful.

On the other hand, sometimes I think that when we do start having sex it might bring us close together and 'unlock' that side of the relationship and the sparks could fly again? But then why don't i like him touching me now?

About a year ago, we went through a bad patch when he started talking to me without respect (adopting the critical behaviour and language of his father.) It was a very dark time for me, but we managed to work through it and he has not reverted to treating me like that since. Mentally I really appreciate and respect him being able to change his behaiour, but perhaps it has put me 'on guard' emotionally and therefore sexually too? Do you think that could have been a trigger?

Both of us realise that sex is not the most important factor in a marriage and understand that the libido naturally lessens over time. But I also know how incompatible sexual appetites can cause big problems in marriages.

What do you think? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'd be so grateful for any thoughts, it has been weighing down on me for months.

A little more info: I am 29, he is 32, we don't share an apartment but spend most of our time together. We have been engaged 4 months, but there's no date yet as I have been holding if off because of this worry!

'Testing out' sleeping together before marriage is not an option.

Therapy/counceling is not really possible where I live either.

Thanks so much for reading this.
It's unlikely that you will ever get a sexual attraction back for this guy. You'll get it if you see other women trying to sit in his lap or otherwise sexually approaching him, but that's about it. Since your fiance is hellbent on waiting, I take it he's a virgin and you aren't. That ain't good, either, for a number of reasons.

The modern Churchian approach to marriage and sex has almost nothing to do with what is presented in the Bible and practiced in the secular world prior to 1600 (marriage at or very near puberty). In the context of the biblical world, there was little or no waiting period between the kicking in of the hormones and the wedding feast. That's why the Bible presents the groom's father as making all the timing decisions for the occasion and the couple moving into the groom's family home (wedding chamber).
Machiavelli is offline  
post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 12-06-2013, 09:36 AM
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 19,367
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Do the right thing and don't marry him.

Read some of the posts by the guys here who are in sexless marriages.

They're miserable.

Set him free to find a woman who wants him.

Of course, you will tell yourself that you won't deny him... etc.

Trust the wisdom of these pages. He will ONLY be satisfied with your physical life together if YOU are into it.

You already aren't.

And, sexual fulfillment is a man's #1 emotional need in a relationship.
Conrad is offline  
post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 12-09-2013, 08:37 PM
Member
 
Aule's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 60
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Conrad View Post
Do the right thing and don't marry him.

Read some of the posts by the guys here who are in sexless marriages.

They're miserable.

Set him free to find a woman who wants him.

Of course, you will tell yourself that you won't deny him... etc.

Trust the wisdom of these pages. He will ONLY be satisfied with your physical life together if YOU are into it.

You already aren't.

And, sexual fulfillment is a man's #1 emotional need in a relationship.
I actually have a more practical suggestion.

If you think of the physical marriage bond as an engine system, you need three things: engines, fuel, and charge; these equate respectively to a solid relationship, unconditional love, and sexual energy.

You have the engines and the fuel. You can't turn the engines over unless you provide an initial charge.

This can be done using a technique known as Sensate Focus.

It is a way to have two partners familiarizing themselves with the responses of their own bodies and each others in an at-first non-sexual manner using non-demand focused touching.

That said, non-sexual does not mean non-sensual. Consider it a form of technology with effects difficult to distinguish from magic.

There are three stages:
1) Pelvic areas of both partners and the breasts are forbidden.
2) Genitals of both partners are forbidden.
3) Genitals may be touched. Intercourse may occur.

Each stage should take a minimum of four weeks, with at least two sessions per week, each partner having the chance to be the receiver. Consult references for details.

Usually this procedure is indicated as a gold standard for helping a couple recover either from premature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction.

In your case, Stage 1 and Stage 2 will be appropriate for you and your fiancé preparing for your marriage in a chaste albeit highly sensual manner. Be prepared for all pleasurable feelings to be intensified by roughly a factor of 10. This can surprise the unprepared.

Use Stage 3 on your wedding night.

My wife and I have used this for my ED. IT WORKS!!!

Luck to you and your partner!

Aulë
Aule is offline  
post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-02-2014, 05:55 PM Thread Starter
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 3
Re: christian, virgin, engaged, nonplussed about sex

Just thought I would update:

I broke it off. It was hard and I am sad and lost, but it is right.

Now to take a deep breath and begin picking up the pieces.

Thanks to everyone for your input.
onebigknot is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
christian, engaged, sex anxiety, virgin, worried

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
I'm a non-Christian H, married to a ultra conservative Christian Wife and I want out forthekid Relationships and Spirituality 59 06-11-2013 07:10 PM
Virgin at marriage and missing out on sex wafer General Relationship Discussion 22 03-03-2012 11:23 AM
Christian wife vs. non Christian egotistical Husband Lostirishchick Considering Divorce or Separation 7 12-11-2011 09:39 AM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome