My family Vs. My boyfriend

Anya · 06-04-2010, 08:00 AM

I'm in a stable relationship with my boyfriend-fiance, he's 28 and I'm almost 24. He wants to get married asap. I love him too but right now I feel that If I leave home my parents will be so upset and won't assist the ceremony and if they do it will have long faces all the time.
I'm still in college and my mom wants me to graduate first and then go to masters and all that and then get married. But I have a great person with me already, we're very happy and we both want this. And my bf supports my idea of keep going to college and I'm not a quitter either. His parents are very loving and supporting since they got married at 21 and are now in their 60's and they get my point.
Now, not that I'm gonna leave him because of that, but instead I wanna bring the family together and not be the issue in between. How do I get my parents to understand that this is what I really want and I'm very happy and relaxed in this relationship therefore we're getting married? :-(
My mom said they wanna know him better so I'd bring him and sometimes he would stay over some weekends and they didn't like it so now my fiance feels rejected and haven't visited home since then. My parents keep asking about him and I just say he's busy, since he just graduated and got a job.
I don't get why are they like this, he even used to cook and do food shopping for my parents and suddenly my parents act like this for no reason and now they wanna see him around again. Plz somebody give me hope and advice..?
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turnera · 06-04-2010, 03:16 PM

Your bf should understand your need for your parents to be happy with him. If he stays away from them over something as minor as this, I would be worried about his character. Sorry, but that's me speaking as the mother of a 19 year old girl; I would feel the same way if he decided my husband or I was 'too much work' to deal with.

And I see no reason why you can't wait one more year so you can finish your Master's. Which takes a LOT of concentration! It's not a walk in the park! If you get married before, you have a decent chance of giving up after you choose your marriage over your courses. Again, I'm just speaking from experience.

If he really loves you, he can wait one more year.

Blanca · 06-04-2010, 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anya

I love him too but right now I feel that If I leave home my parents will be so upset and won't assist the ceremony and if they do it will have long faces all the time.

Your parents are manipulators and that is unfortunate. What they are doing to you is wrong, and i hope you know that. im sure you're telling yourself they just want you to be happy, but they dont. they want to control your life and you are letting them. Family dynamics like these can be hard to change. You're going to have to cut the umbilical cord. There are some great books out there about boundaries with family. Dr. Phil has some and im sure there are others. just google 'family boundaries'. You need to learn to communicate what you want instead of trying to placate everyone else. it will not only help you with your parents but will help you with any relationship you have.

cb45 · 06-05-2010, 03:34 PM

anya,

i know not what country or customs u r used to contemplating

in decisions like these but.....i'd say the final decision is yours

and yours alone, and u must be strong/wise enough to make it

alone. if it works out say, 40yrs later then GREAT. if not, then

be sure not to blame parents for not objecting enough to stop

u from marrying him. i read yer post as showing yer parents

as loving u, and wanting the best for u, 1st n foremost.

remember they have alot of life experiences(i presume) over

your own, and perhaps have seen one too many marriages

fail, esp for the woman who had such scholarly promise.

not enough here to get a bead on the guy u love, 'cept

one sentence basically.

if i were u, be i M or F, i'd finish my masters 1st. if S.O. cant

wait 4 me, then he doesnt really know what love is, or has fear

issues to work out. IMHO.

Anya · 06-06-2010, 12:55 AM

I'm just about to finish my 2 year associate..and I would have a masters by now if it wasn't for MY PARENTS. Now my masters will be in 3 years from now, that's why I can't wait.
I already decided to marry my boyfriend, I already said yes and I don't regret. I just don't know how to deal with my parents since they had been controlling my whole life. I feel weak against them, I feel I'm afraid of saying no to them just because I'm so grateful they raised me and I don't wanna dissapoint them. Until now I've done whatever they told me.
My career, my decisions, my friends, everything had been controlled over the years, so coming out now is not easy for me. I'm weak, I don't know what to do or where to start from.
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turnera · 06-06-2010, 02:40 PM

I would start by vowing to be honest with them, about everything. That's what an adult would do. So practice being adult-like and they will see it in you and let go.

cb45 · 06-08-2010, 06:46 PM

good pt/insight, T.

i'd have to meet yer parents to see/judge for myself. it may
be u, as in yer personality, not so much them.

i've learned this much from being marr'd 20 yrs.

dsfg_lover_001 · 07-08-2010, 02:10 PM

Well I understand how you feel now.There is always conflicts between bf and family.First you need to know if your parents like him or no and the reason,and you can listen the advices from your parents,but you need to have you own opinion.Just give them time to get to know each other and don`t push him too much.Hope this can help you,thanks for sharing.