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post #16 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-22-2013, 10:44 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

In terms of the abuse aspect, that certainly needs to be taken seriously...and just because he is trying to work on things...it does does not magically change how the abuse has affected you and if you are capable of continuing forward. That was a risk he was taking during the season of his abuse...and now he is scared of reaping what he sowed in that regard.

He is afraid that you will leave. You are afraid to stay. If fear takes first place in our decision making...it can mess with where God is directing us. In my scenario, when I gave up in my marriage because of my wife's EAs, I was SO ANGRY at my wife for changing her mind to reconcile, but deep down I knew God was telling me to stay...yet I fought it because I was scared for it to happen again. However, my wife also didn't try to corral me and respected my emotional boundaries. Again (as I said in my previous post), we reconciled, I got diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and now there is no way we could have endured this without each other...and I am so THANKFUL for her!

Abuse is about control...and so is using Scripture in a coercive manner. You may be on the fence about it...or you may already have your mind made up. God gives us free will. But if you are truly interested in seeking God's guidance (via your OWN Scripture studies and honing in on a relationship with Him), then you need the space to be able to define that guidance...which is why a separation can be a healthy step to whatever direction you head into, especially is spouse is not capable to give you space. God knows my situation and story...and he intimately knows yours. And your story is your own story...and God probably has something very specific to communicate to you about it. Blessings

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post #17 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 10:39 AM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

How is this....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Solis View Post

I have told him over the years, numerous times, that his behavior was demeaning, mean, manipulative and he always told me I was the one w the problem bc I didn't 'listen to him' or do what he wanted me to do,
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Different from this....

Quote:
But again, I feel nothing. I've told him this and he will start telling me I'm breaking our covenant, promise to God..love is not a feeling but a choice and done through actions. He will say i need to be like Jesus and forgive him for his past behavior and move forward honoring Gods will. He has become very anxious, desperate, clingy (although i repeatedly asked him for space).
He is still minimizing and discounting your feelings, thoughts and opinions. He still insisting you do things HIS way.

Whether by beating you verbally or beating you with the bible, he is STILL minimizing, discounting and controlling and this is why you can't find any feelings for him.

A truly repentant man would graciously give you space, validate your feelings and allow you time to see the new man.
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post #18 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-23-2013, 09:28 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
How is this....



Different from this....



He is still minimizing and discounting your feelings, thoughts and opinions. He still insisting you do things HIS way.

Whether by beating you verbally or beating you with the bible, he is STILL minimizing, discounting and controlling and this is why you can't find any feelings for him.

A truly repentant man would graciously give you space, validate your feelings and allow you time to see the new man.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #19 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 10:21 AM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

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It is most unusual when an abuser does an about face after years of physical, emotional and physical abuse. I also do not trust other people who speak for God, God can speak to you without these people.

You are being emotionally manipulated and he is now using religion and the name of the Lord to do so.

I can also tell you facts about abusive relationships, it is a fact that when a person has been in an abusive situation for years it compromises their ability to think clearly and emotional numbing is very much a byproduct of abuse, both are ways for the self to protect itself from destruction.

God hates divorce? I thought God was love.

OP, you need clarity and space from your spouse to think clearly. Surely God will support you on your journey.

When one form of abuse loses its efficacy, the abuser choses another strategy, here it seems to be speaking for God.
with everything - and especially the bold!

Why don't you talk to a minister at a different church - for example a United Methodist Church minister has at the very least a Masters degree and they MUST have counseling courses at seminary prior to ordination on how to help people with what you are going through.
I say this because your minister/pastor or whatever might be biased in already having seen the abuse for years.
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post #20 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

Thanks y'all. I really do appreciate it. We had a 'discussion' last night and I told him I'm not happy, I was feeling smothered, didn't like being told what i said wasn't Gods will. He asked me if I was reading the bible and talking to God. Then he started getting hysterical and told me he isn't scared to die and it'd be easier on everyone if he did. He said he isn't going to do anything himself (although I honestly don't think that's true) but he wouldn't fight to live.

I will admit that through all of this, I started drinking more..maybe a glass or two (no more) a night. He said I'm turning into an alcoholic bc I don't drink in front of him. I told him he's always commented if I do have a drink (even though he drinks as well).

He woke up this morning very anxious and following me around trying to hug me and hold my hand. I finally shoved him away (gently) and he got pissed. He started yelling at the kids bc they were being loud. I feel like it's all unraveling quickly.
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post #21 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-24-2013, 09:58 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

Girl, you need to get out before he does something dangerous! Just get out for two weeks. Pack the kids and go!
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post #22 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-25-2013, 09:59 AM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

This is what happens when abusive people don't get their way.

Please be safe.
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post #23 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-25-2013, 08:44 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
Girl, you need to get out before he does something dangerous! Just get out for two weeks. Pack the kids and go!


THIS!!!!! Your husband is a POS!
Take care of yourself and your kids! It would not be Christian to not protect your kids and yourself.

He is unhinged and it is not your fault! He needs to fix him.
NOT YOU!!
Please get while the getting is good.
My mom didn't listen to the advice being given to you right now.
I know what happens next.
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post #24 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-27-2013, 05:30 AM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

It seems like he'd rather be married to Jesus than you. Do not turn the other cheek for him. I say dump him and fast his behavior has nothing to do with your religion.
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post #25 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-28-2013, 10:08 AM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

Quote:
Originally Posted by Solis View Post
Saying I checked out meaning that I've admittedly put up a wall bc I was tired of letting myself get hurt and I couldn't be a good mom if I was focused on what he said/did to hurt me. He had no interest in the boys welfare, so I put my energy into that.

I have told him over the years, numerous times, that his behavior was demeaning, mean, manipulative and he always told me I was the one w the problem bc I didn't 'listen to him' or do what he wanted me to do, I was raising 'serial killers' bc I wasn't hard enough on the boys' behavior; the house was a pig sty; why can't I fold the laundry right; load the dishwasher correctly..these are just a few examples. When he snooped thru my email, he found the only email I had written about our marriage to a friend saying I wasn't happy. Within 2 days, he was reading the bible, begging to go to therapy, etc. And while he seems to be more patient w me, I see his anxiety (that before came out through anger) comes out as being clingy and frustration w kids behavior. He started taking meds for anxiety prescribed by his pcp. I asked him if he'd be willing to go to psychiatrist for an in depth consult and maybe get meds that were more effective. His answer: if dr diagnosed him w anger problem or anxiety, the govt/obamacare would find out and take away all of his guns and ammo.
It's just all weird and complicated lol
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This doesn't sound like the sort of fellow that should have guns and ammo.

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post #26 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 12:23 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

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This doesn't sound like the sort of fellow that should have guns and ammo.
QFT!!!

I wish there was some competency requirement!
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post #27 of 36 (permalink) Old 11-29-2013, 04:02 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

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Originally Posted by Anon Pink View Post
QFT!!!

I wish there was some competency requirement!
I also wish there was a competency requirement for marriage.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #28 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-13-2014, 10:24 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

I absolutely understand the feeling indifferentand being repulsed by his touch. I feel the same about my husband. I ama christian and feel very unsure of what God wants me to do.
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post #29 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-13-2014, 10:35 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

My husband is not a christian. He started trying everything when I started talking about divorce. He seems to think that a series of tasks can make our relationship better. Painting fences and sweeping floors can't mend my heart. I wish I knew how to love him with my heart and not just with actions.
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post #30 of 36 (permalink) Old 07-14-2014, 01:26 PM
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Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough

I can't believe some of you people are telling her to get divorced when her husband has changed his behavior. Do you know how many women only wish their husband would do that for them? Your husband obviously loves you if he made this 180 for you. He's not abusing you by saying you should forgive him because it says so in the bible, he is scared that you will leave him and doing everything he can to prevent that. I do not get where he said you are not a Christian. He is just trying to save his marriage. Count yourself lucky. Even in my husband's 180 from abuse he didn't do THAT much for me, like getting super involved in the bible.

As long as the abuse has stopped, you have NO reason to leave. You are listening to the devil. God would never tell you to get divorced when He hates divorce. You say that He also hates to see His child get treated that way. Guess what? He stopped it. He changed your husband's heart. He did His part. You do yours and fix your marriage instead of checking out of it when there is no reason anymore. Furthermore, the Word says that infidelity is the ONLY out for a marriage. Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." (Matt. 19:9). The spirit will NEVER go against the Word. Remember that.

You promised til death do you part. Honor your vows. Your husband is honoring his.

I am so tired of people advising others to get divorced on here for reasons other than adultery. I wonder how many marriages you guys have aided in ruining. I thought this site was about keeping marriages together and contributing to healthy ones. Divorce is the furthest thing from healthy. It's the most destructive thing one can do.

OP, as I mentioned above, I went through the same thing. My H was abusive. I told him I was done. He changed his ways right away and said he would do anything for his marriage. He didn't realize what he was doing until I made a HUGE deal about it. It opened his eyes when I told him I was almost done. When he changed, I was long gone for a while. I considered leaving him anyway. Why did he deserve me after that? Well, I stayed anyway and honored my vows. I ended up falling back in love with him, and now coupled with him trying, we've never been closer and more in love. Yeah, you may get hurt again, and you probably will. No one is perfect. You risk your heart in marriage. You ALWAYS offer your heart to your husband (when he has stopped the abuse.) You always risk it for him. You promised to in your vows. That's what marriage is all about, putting them above your fears.

Since you said you are a Christian, I would STRONGLY urge you to listen to these sermons. If you want to understand marriage and God's will for you as a bride, I challenge you to listen to these four sermons. Listen to one each day this week. Before you do, pray that God would open your heart and mind and give you the ears to hear and discern His will. Reading or watching these will make it very difficult to not understand what you should do and what your role is as a bride who claims to follow Jesus.
So these should be huge resources for you. Be wise and make good use of them, okay?

Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 1 | Desiring God
Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 2 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 1 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 2 | Desiring God
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