Thanks y'all. I really do appreciate it. We had a 'discussion' last night and I told him I'm not happy, I was feeling smothered, didn't like being told what i said wasn't Gods will. He asked me if I was reading the bible and talking to God. Then he started getting hysterical and told me he isn't scared to die and it'd be easier on everyone if he did. He said he isn't going to do anything himself (although I honestly don't think that's true) but he wouldn't fight to live.
I will admit that through all of this, I started drinking more..maybe a glass or two (no more) a night. He said I'm turning into an alcoholic bc I don't drink in front of him. I told him he's always commented if I do have a drink (even though he drinks as well).
He woke up this morning very anxious and following me around trying to hug me and hold my hand. I finally shoved him away (gently) and he got pissed. He started yelling at the kids bc they were being loud. I feel like it's all unraveling quickly.
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Ok Darlin' let me first start by saying that I am currently walking in your shoes, but with different results. I am so sorry you are in a sea of pain which is why you don't feel anything. Your body is numbing out to protect you from the overload this onslaught brings to your door. So forgive yourself for having no feeling. It is PERFECTLY normal and allow it. Its just where you are right now. I went through the same thing. It does pass. Be gentle with yourself and DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO GUILT YOU.
Now... with that said... there are big differences in our two situations... I'm going to point out some concerns first, then share more about my story.
1. Yes God wants marriages to say together BUT! in the spirit He intended.... and that spirit is missing in your home. Therefore you will have to make a choice between staying different or leaving and those have to be done in very specific ways and in the right spirit to maintain your own
integrity with the Lord.
2. Your husband is not showing improvement in my book. He is paying lip service by cloaking himself in religion.
3. On top of that he is emotionally blackmailing you with "Fear, Obligation, and Guilt" which is abuse. He doesn't have YOUR best interests in mind but his own. Therefore I highly recommend the book Emotional Blackmail as well as any Boundary books by Townsend and the website Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support
As long as your husband chooses abusive behaviors, there is NO relationship other than the one with yourself in survival from his behaviors. A true marriage cannot exist when destructive behaviors are present. Therefore you must decide stop the destructive behaviors by creating the environment that doesn't reward that behavior OR remove yourself from that destructive environment.
In my situation, it was bad. Seven years of emotional abuse, psychological, and some physical. When I got my belly full once our son became scared of him, I educated myself on what abusive behaviors are and started calling them by name with boundaries and as he escalated during that process I asked him to leave. I let him know that he is not welcomed without serious professional help for his anger issues. He was gone two months, did the work and is STILL doing the work, 2 to 6 hours of therapy every week without skipping. Part of the therapy is with a professional and part of it is mentorship through our church. What I have witnessed is him FIRST admitting he was wrong in his abusive approach to me, that the responsibility for choosing better behavior is on him. BEFORE he reached that conclusion he kept looking to me constantly to fix us and I just constantly kept telling him, I am working on me, keep your eyes on your own paper. I kept beating that same drum and what happened over time was that the outsiders that were around him started calling him out on his behavior and telling him he was NOT right nor justified in any way to treat me the way he was treating me. So, I kept him at a distance until he figured out how to approach me well. When I started seeing love, compassion, attentiveness, non anger, humility, patience, personal responsibility, THEN I allowed him closer and closer until he came back home in a natural progression. Once he was back home we are practicing better relational management to reduce the level of conflict over time and it is working REALLY well.
In your situation he has NOT reached that humility you want and need to look for. Look at his actions, not his words. It is NOT ok that he is using his emotions and the Bible as weapons to control you. Communicate clearly that those actions are not acceptable to you and keep him at a distance until he chooses different. So those who say keep your space are dead on in this situation. He doesnt get access to you when he is abusive. Protect yourself Darlin' Your Lord and Savior that you know didn't allow stone throwing, remember? He washed feet, remember? Embrace your LOVING Savior and allow his love to wash you clean and fill your heart and your husband is making that more difficult by using the loving words of Christ totally wrong. He is using them in the wrong spirit. They are to be used in a spirit of love NOT fear force and intimidation.
How is your husband serving you? He's not, but he is trying to FORCE you to submit to him and that is not going to work Baby... keep your head up. Your Lord is with you and He will straighten this around one way or another.