Re: Being told I'm not Christian enough
Because you're not listening.
Your husband is correct, but your feelings are also completely understandable.
Love is an action, not an emotion. It's something you do. You do need to forgive him his past. But he also needs to respect your space - within reason (i.e. if him giving you your space means that you start living as roommates, then NO, that's wrong).
God hates divorce. Period. He's NOT going to lead you to do something He hates. Yes, there have been monumental issues, but your husband is trying. Frankly, the time for leaving was when the abuse was going on. Now that you're on the other side of that and he's trying to improve, you have no right to "check out" and throw up your hands.
You're having a hard time trusting in his change because of the way he's been in the past. To that, I will say three things.
1.) This is 1000000% understandable. There's a big difference between forgiving and forgetting. The abuse is something you will never forget, and as humans our instinct is to protect ourselves from being hurt - hence you "checking out". You don't want to invest because you're afraid you'll be hurt again. Again, this is totally and completely understandable, but you can't dwell on it forever.
2.) You are holding back because you're afraid your husband's changes won't last. You're basically withholding his wife from him because of something that hasn't happened yet. Basically, if you don't stop this (which is a choice, not a feeling) you will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. What do I mean by that?
He gives it all he's got to change, but you don't give him yourself (I mean emotionally and the whole nine yards) because you're afraid the changes won't last. Enough time passes this way, and he will begin to feel that all his effort is pointless because you don't care (he is just a human, after all), a window of opportunity for the enemy is opened, and so the changes do begin to grow lax and sooner or later disappear altogether - which is exactly what you were afraid of in the first place.
You see what I'm saying?
3.) You don't have to trust your husband. You have to trust God. Don't trust in your husband's ability to change, but in God's ability to change him. This is much easier said than done, but like everything else, it is a decision, not a feeling.
God isn't leading you away from your marriage. Your heart is. Understandable, but you've GOT to put the brakes on and take control of your heart.
Let me remind you that the Word tells us the heart is deceitful above all measure and desperately wicked, and that no one can know it. (Jeremiah 17:9)
We are told to keep (guard) our heart with all diligence. (Proverbs 4:23)
And finally, that if you trust your own heart you're stupid. That's Proverbs 28:26 in plain modern-day english.
Let me also say that the Bible also says if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss.
"If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small." - Proverbs 24:10
The two of you need to get into counseling yesterday - marriage and individual. Considering your husband's 180, I would imagine he would have no problem with this. You both need to learn how to be husband and wife again, and individually he needs to learn how to make sure he doesn't fall back into old habits, and you need to learn how to leave his failures in the past.
As I said, forgiving and forgetting are totally different. But forgiving is a conscious decision you have to make, and it means that you will NOT hold whatever it is over that person's head, which is basically what you're doing now.
Again, you don't have to trust your husband - not yet, anyway. You just need to trust God.
" But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19 (emphasis mine)
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