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post #16 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 06:27 PM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post

So now you do what everyone else does - at some point you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you pick yourself up, learn something from your mistakes, and move on to do better for yourself and for others in the future. It's how we handle our mistakes that show what we're made of. If this makes you a more humble and empathetic man and preacher, then you now can be a better man and preacher and can help more people.
Yes... I have found those who've lived through the most trying trials.. .yet has kept themselves from bitterness... not allowing it to break them but learn from what has come ...and passed...in it's time...they are more equipped, open even...to understand / relate to the hardships of others...




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WolverineFan said: There are no easy answers here and the pain you will experience will bring new meaning to the verse - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
It's a walk in humility...it has it's value... you may not grasp it right now.....but hold on....

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Mr Blunt said: I maybe way off but here is something wrong with your strong thoughts and words of “Not good enough” and “don’t deserve it”. You sound like a good man that maybe not focused enough on God’s grace and being beaten down by a wayward wife and your own betrayal.
and sometimes we need some self compassion on ourselves....we show compassion to others but do we extend it to ourselves....

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Definition of self-compassion Definition of self-compassion

Having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. Think about what the experience of compassion feels like. First, to have compassion for others you must notice that they are suffering. If you ignore that homeless person on the street, you can’t feel compassion for how difficult his or her experience is. Second, compassion involves feeling moved by others' suffering so that your heart responds to their pain (the word compassion literally means to “suffer with”). When this occurs, you feel warmth, caring, and the desire to help the suffering person in some way. Having compassion also means that you offer understanding and kindness to others when they fail or make mistakes, rather than judging them harshly. Finally, when you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. “There but for fortune go I.”

Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment? Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect? You may try to change in ways that allow you to be more healthy and happy, but this is done because you care about yourself, not because you are worthless or unacceptable as you are. Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness. Things will not always go the way you want them to. You will encounter frustrations, losses will occur, you will make mistakes, bump up against your limitations, fall short of your ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us. The more you open your heart to this reality instead of constantly fighting against it, the more you will be able to feel compassion for yourself and all your fellow humans in the experience of life
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post #17 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 10:47 PM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Just wondering what on earth possessed you to put up with being married to a gutter tramp?
Unless your name is Hosea and your wife is Gomer I don't know why you put up with her infidelity for so long.
I don't spread this around much but I am ordained and there is no way I would put up with an unfaithful wife.

Do you think God ever just put up with His brides unfaithfulness?
NO!
He gave her hell when she was unfaithful to Him and He said that she should come back to Him but,on her knees, humbled, and absolutely submissive to His will!
He would not accept anything but her complete submission to His will if she was to return.
Your wife is a piece of trash and the best thing you can do for her is to let her know it!
Just take your clue from God.

Read what he called unfaithful Israel.

You deserve a faithful wife and guess what, God wants you to have a faithful wife.
Maybe her leaving is actually a mercy from God to free you from the bondage of skankieness !

Really, be Godlike and demand faithfulness from a spouse.

You could be a blessing for another hurting soul out there, waiting for her answer to her own crisis of faith.

God loves you, your wife loves herself, and so you should just love God back and know that He detests what your wife has and is doing and His plan for your life is certainly better than what she has to offer.
It his not his desire for you to be hurt by an unfaithful wife.
Keep the faith bro.
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post #18 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-19-2013, 10:56 PM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Go back for another helping of Job for some perspective, and remember you're still a young man. Life aint over yet.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #19 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 06:59 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Ronin:

I'm sorry you're going through this. You *will* get through this the same way everyone does...one step at a time. You are overwhelmed right now, and understandably so.

Please set some priorities for yourself!
1) Your faith is important to you, so please concentrate on your PERSONAL relationship with God. Ministering to others is great as that is your calling, but RIGHT NOW, you have other areas that need your concern more.
2) Concentrate on assisting your children. They will be going through a LOT of upheaval.
3) Put off the BA in Ministry and the website until a little bit later. You, your children, your everyday existence (shelter, babysitting, nurturing, etc) MUST be your priority right now over the salvation of others. You cannot lead others until you lead yourself and your family. *THAT* is why you are a father of 3...to show THEM how to live correctly.
4) In another 12-18 months, when you have things more under control from a daily-perspective, revisit the BA in Ministry and the website scenario.

I'm sure your God would want you to be a faithful follower of His and a faithful, uplifting, secure support to your little children BEFORE you worry about leading other adults to Him. He WILL understand that your ministry can/will/should wait.

Consider how much more insight/compassion this hard-earned knowledge will be worth to you and others in the coming decades! And I agree that a cheating wife who refuses to change, but instead chooses to leave is a HUGE blessing/relief/improvement for your life and the lives of your children.

Best wishes to you in 2014; hold fast to the things you KNOW are true; that will be your comfort (both your children and your God LOVE *YOU*). What more could you want?
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post #20 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 07:26 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

A couple of questions come to mind here. First, do we know for a fact it was her that cheated? Maybe fair to assume but it wasn't clear to me. Second, if you believe that nobody deserves to be happy and you just suck it up, why would you care if she's checked out? Why would you pester her? Did you nurture the relationship with your wife or did you assume since you were married that was it? There is something a little off about a 20 something doling out marital advice anyway; you haven't lived much yet and you don't know as much as you think you do. On the flip side of this you're really young and have a lot of years to put your life together.
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post #21 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 09:18 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
A couple of questions come to mind here. First, do we know for a fact it was her that cheated? Maybe fair to assume but it wasn't clear to me. Second, if you believe that nobody deserves to be happy and you just suck it up, why would you care if she's checked out? Why would you pester her? Did you nurture the relationship with your wife or did you assume since you were married that was it? There is something a little off about a 20 something doling out marital advice anyway; you haven't lived much yet and you don't know as much as you think you do. On the flip side of this you're really young and have a lot of years to put your life together.
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I've gotten some marital advice from 50+ yr olds that had me rolling my eyes. Age does not equal wisdom.

Darling it's better down where it's wetter, take it from me! --- Sebastian
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post #22 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-24-2013, 10:44 AM
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I've gotten some marital advice from 50+ yr olds that had me rolling my eyes. Age does not equal wisdom.
Well that is certainly true. Greater age doesn't always equal wisdom, but lesser age seldom does. You just can't have wisdom without life behind it, because you don't know what you don't know and you don't know until you've lived.
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post #23 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 07:21 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

It sounds like you are going to have to take your lumps , stand yourself up and dust yourself and carry on.

Yes you need to humble yourself as you are now being taught new lessons in life when you thought you knew it all.

Use your beliefs to make you stronger not as poison to make yourself weaker.
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post #24 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 07:32 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
A couple of questions come to mind here. First, do we know for a fact it was her that cheated? Maybe fair to assume but it wasn't clear to me. Second, if you believe that nobody deserves to be happy and you just suck it up, why would you care if she's checked out? Why would you pester her? Did you nurture the relationship with your wife or did you assume since you were married that was it? There is something a little off about a 20 something doling out marital advice anyway; you haven't lived much yet and you don't know as much as you think you do. On the flip side of this you're really young and have a lot of years to put your life together.
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Good point life!
I just checked OPs page and apparently she was unfaithful multiple times and he was once.
It definitely sounds like he might need to go back to the drawing board when it comes to marriage.

Ronin. SGW is right, you should start the 180 and focus on your kids. Your academic goals probably shouldn't be high on your list right now.
You don't know how many times I have seen families in ministry falter and break while seemingly doing so much for the church and accomplishing academic goals.

A good starting point would be to admit that you still have a lot to learn when it comes to marriage.
I'm not trying to beat you up but your results have been less than stellar.
There is a lot to learn from many good folks here, I hope you keep posting.
Keep the faith and merry Christmas. (Yes, even in all this, you can have joy in Christ today.)
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post #25 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 08:42 AM
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Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Every person who enters your life is a gift. You may not know when or where or how but they will gift something to you to help you realize, grow or change.

I recommended some individual counseling through this, but know coming out the other side your views will change and your advice to others will evolve. Sometimes change and embracing the uneasy feeling gets us moving forward. Forward should be the goal.

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post #26 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-25-2013, 10:01 AM
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Re: Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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Originally Posted by RoninJedi View Post
I know everyone says this, but I'm sorry for the length. I think this is more of a vent than anything.

I am a Christian, I'm a pastor, and I have spent years being a grade A a-hole when people have come to me with their marriage problems and wanting to walk away. I have told them repeatedly that they have to bust their butt to make it work no matter what, that no one ever says life is fair, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but we don't deserve it (I speak biblically here - meaning the only thing we as sinners deserve is death - not going to debate this point right now, though).

I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.

At least I thought it was.

Now I find out it's over. She's been emotionally checked out for months and I've done everything I can. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I found out today because basically I kept pestering her to cut the crap and tell me what's wrong. She just didn't want to tell me before Christmas because she didn't want that being messed up for the kids (we have 3).

So now, I'm a few months away from being a divorced father of 3 at 29 years old, I work 2nd shift (3pm-11pm) with no chance at all of altering that - so I have no idea what I'll do for child care. I'm going to have to move, buy furniture, the whole nine yards. Basically this is going to wipe me out physically, emotionally, and financially.

So now I find myself in the shoes of all those people I've talked to before, and pardon me but I feel like a ****weed - because I feel like there's no way in hell this will ever improve. I have to do right by my kids but I don't see a way to do that.

But I'm the guy that has all the answers, right? I know life gets hard, and it's not fair, and sometimes you feel like it would just be easier to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know God loves me and that He will take care of me and my kids and that somewhere down the road I will be a much better and stronger man than I am right now because of this. I know that we can get stuck between what we feel and what we know, and that we have to be careful not to let what we feel take over.

That's where I'm at right now. I know all of those things - I feel like I know all the answers. I do, in fact, know a lot of them. But I feel like I don't have the capacity to hold on to those things. I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like "Mr. Big & Bad Lean Mean Preaching Machine thinks he's going to help other people with their lives and problems but he couldn't even keep his marriage together".

This trend has been going on for about 4 months and has progressively gotten worse as everything I do has made no difference. I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.

I have Proverbs 24:10 (Basically if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss) tattooed on my left arm, and I keep looking at it and shaking my head thinking, "Yeah, you're a real hard a** now, aren't you?"

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Somebody help me out. Pray for me. Something. Thanks for letting me rant.
Use your testimony, life happens...
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post #27 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-26-2013, 11:59 PM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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God hates us all.
False. Christ's blood has redeemed us. God loves us all.
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post #28 of 28 (permalink) Old 12-27-2013, 12:08 AM
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Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

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Originally Posted by RoninJedi View Post
I know everyone says this, but I'm sorry for the length. I think this is more of a vent than anything.

I am a Christian, I'm a pastor, and I have spent years being a grade A a-hole when people have come to me with their marriage problems and wanting to walk away. I have told them repeatedly that they have to bust their butt to make it work no matter what, that no one ever says life is fair, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but we don't deserve it (I speak biblically here - meaning the only thing we as sinners deserve is death - not going to debate this point right now, though).

I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.

At least I thought it was.

Now I find out it's over. She's been emotionally checked out for months and I've done everything I can. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I found out today because basically I kept pestering her to cut the crap and tell me what's wrong. She just didn't want to tell me before Christmas because she didn't want that being messed up for the kids (we have 3).

So now, I'm a few months away from being a divorced father of 3 at 29 years old, I work 2nd shift (3pm-11pm) with no chance at all of altering that - so I have no idea what I'll do for child care. I'm going to have to move, buy furniture, the whole nine yards. Basically this is going to wipe me out physically, emotionally, and financially.

So now I find myself in the shoes of all those people I've talked to before, and pardon me but I feel like a ****weed - because I feel like there's no way in hell this will ever improve. I have to do right by my kids but I don't see a way to do that.

But I'm the guy that has all the answers, right? I know life gets hard, and it's not fair, and sometimes you feel like it would just be easier to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know God loves me and that He will take care of me and my kids and that somewhere down the road I will be a much better and stronger man than I am right now because of this. I know that we can get stuck between what we feel and what we know, and that we have to be careful not to let what we feel take over.

That's where I'm at right now. I know all of those things - I feel like I know all the answers. I do, in fact, know a lot of them. But I feel like I don't have the capacity to hold on to those things. I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like "Mr. Big & Bad Lean Mean Preaching Machine thinks he's going to help other people with their lives and problems but he couldn't even keep his marriage together".

This trend has been going on for about 4 months and has progressively gotten worse as everything I do has made no difference. I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.

I have Proverbs 24:10 (Basically if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss) tattooed on my left arm, and I keep looking at it and shaking my head thinking, "Yeah, you're a real hard a** now, aren't you?"

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Somebody help me out. Pray for me. Something. Thanks for letting me rant.
Do you have a support group? Maybe other pastor's or district bishop's that can help? Contact Focus on the Family or Weekend to Remember by Family Life.

You said your wife is checked out, did she initiate the separation?

Prayers to you brother in Christ
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