Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.
I know everyone says this, but I'm sorry for the length. I think this is more of a vent than anything.
I am a Christian, I'm a pastor, and I have spent years being a grade A a-hole when people have come to me with their marriage problems and wanting to walk away. I have told them repeatedly that they have to bust their butt to make it work no matter what, that no one ever says life is fair, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but we don't deserve it (I speak biblically here - meaning the only thing we as sinners deserve is death - not going to debate this point right now, though).
I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.
At least I thought it was.
Now I find out it's over. She's been emotionally checked out for months and I've done everything I can. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I found out today because basically I kept pestering her to cut the crap and tell me what's wrong. She just didn't want to tell me before Christmas because she didn't want that being messed up for the kids (we have 3).
So now, I'm a few months away from being a divorced father of 3 at 29 years old, I work 2nd shift (3pm-11pm) with no chance at all of altering that - so I have no idea what I'll do for child care. I'm going to have to move, buy furniture, the whole nine yards. Basically this is going to wipe me out physically, emotionally, and financially.
So now I find myself in the shoes of all those people I've talked to before, and pardon me but I feel like a ****weed - because I feel like there's no way in hell this will ever improve. I have to do right by my kids but I don't see a way to do that.
But I'm the guy that has all the answers, right? I know life gets hard, and it's not fair, and sometimes you feel like it would just be easier to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know God loves me and that He will take care of me and my kids and that somewhere down the road I will be a much better and stronger man than I am right now because of this. I know that we can get stuck between what we feel and what we know, and that we have to be careful not to let what we feel take over.
That's where I'm at right now. I know all of those things - I feel like I know all the answers. I do, in fact, know a lot of them. But I feel like I don't have the capacity to hold on to those things. I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like "Mr. Big & Bad Lean Mean Preaching Machine thinks he's going to help other people with their lives and problems but he couldn't even keep his marriage together".
This trend has been going on for about 4 months and has progressively gotten worse as everything I do has made no difference. I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.
Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.
I have Proverbs 24:10 (Basically if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss) tattooed on my left arm, and I keep looking at it and shaking my head thinking, "Yeah, you're a real hard a** now, aren't you?"
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Somebody help me out. Pray for me. Something. Thanks for letting me rant.
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