Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Relationships and Spirituality » Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Relationships and Spirituality The place to look for faith based solutions.

Like Tree42Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 12-16-2013, 08:08 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 46
Default Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

I know everyone says this, but I'm sorry for the length. I think this is more of a vent than anything.

I am a Christian, I'm a pastor, and I have spent years being a grade A a-hole when people have come to me with their marriage problems and wanting to walk away. I have told them repeatedly that they have to bust their butt to make it work no matter what, that no one ever says life is fair, that there's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but we don't deserve it (I speak biblically here - meaning the only thing we as sinners deserve is death - not going to debate this point right now, though).

I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.

At least I thought it was.

Now I find out it's over. She's been emotionally checked out for months and I've done everything I can. I know a lot of people say that, but I really mean it. I found out today because basically I kept pestering her to cut the crap and tell me what's wrong. She just didn't want to tell me before Christmas because she didn't want that being messed up for the kids (we have 3).

So now, I'm a few months away from being a divorced father of 3 at 29 years old, I work 2nd shift (3pm-11pm) with no chance at all of altering that - so I have no idea what I'll do for child care. I'm going to have to move, buy furniture, the whole nine yards. Basically this is going to wipe me out physically, emotionally, and financially.

So now I find myself in the shoes of all those people I've talked to before, and pardon me but I feel like a ****weed - because I feel like there's no way in hell this will ever improve. I have to do right by my kids but I don't see a way to do that.

But I'm the guy that has all the answers, right? I know life gets hard, and it's not fair, and sometimes you feel like it would just be easier to crawl into a hole somewhere. I know God loves me and that He will take care of me and my kids and that somewhere down the road I will be a much better and stronger man than I am right now because of this. I know that we can get stuck between what we feel and what we know, and that we have to be careful not to let what we feel take over.

That's where I'm at right now. I know all of those things - I feel like I know all the answers. I do, in fact, know a lot of them. But I feel like I don't have the capacity to hold on to those things. I feel like a failure. I feel like a moron. I feel like "Mr. Big & Bad Lean Mean Preaching Machine thinks he's going to help other people with their lives and problems but he couldn't even keep his marriage together".

This trend has been going on for about 4 months and has progressively gotten worse as everything I do has made no difference. I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.

I have Proverbs 24:10 (Basically if you give up when there's trouble, you're a wuss) tattooed on my left arm, and I keep looking at it and shaking my head thinking, "Yeah, you're a real hard a** now, aren't you?"

I don't even know where I'm going with this. Somebody help me out. Pray for me. Something. Thanks for letting me rant.
__________________
Forged in Fire Ministry
RoninJedi is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 12-16-2013, 09:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
As'laDain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 1,231
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

sounds like you suck at helping people.
do something about it.

i always figured that the whole point to the new testament was to love God and love people.
it never said that anyone in particular had to be good at leading others or have all the answers.
As'laDain is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-16-2013, 11:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Fozzy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,315
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Pastors are human too. Nobody gets out of life on earth without some pain. I'll pray for you.
__________________
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? --Groucho Marx
Fozzy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-16-2013, 11:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
norajane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 3,093
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

You're only 29. You have a whole lifetime of mistakes and learning ahead of you. You've learned two things from this - you don't know it all, and when someone cheats on you numerous times, their actions have shown they don't actually want to be married to you.

So now you do what everyone else does - at some point you stop feeling sorry for yourself and you pick yourself up, learn something from your mistakes, and move on to do better for yourself and for others in the future. It's how we handle our mistakes that show what we're made of. If this makes you a more humble and empathetic man and preacher, then you now can be a better man and preacher and can help more people.
norajane is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 12:43 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 9,246
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Quote:
I've been through infidelity in my marriage numerous times, and I never left and it was hell on earth but I came through it and my marriage was better than ever.
Sounds like you've both been through quite a bit of trouble.

Quote:
Basically, I feel like everything I've been standing for is a lie. I know that deep down I don't think it is - but right now that's how I feel. I don't know what to do or where to turn, and even though I know He wants me to, I can't even bring myself to pray right now because I feel like I really screwed the pooch on God's plan for me.
I remember being so angry, I just got on my knees and told God how pissed I was at Him. I just let it all out to Him. I told Him what I thought about my life, how I felt he let me down, how I wished He would do something and on and on. I just let it all out on Him. I did feel better and I think it helped me. I think He turned His back on me and then turned back around, after I talked with Him. Maybe all He wanted was for me to just talk?

I will pray for you, your wife, and your children tonight before I crawl into bed.



There is a woman, Michele Weiner-Davis, who has a good book on divorce busting. Divorce Busting® - How to Save Your Marriage, Solve Marriage Problems, and Stop Divorce

There are different ways to go depending on what your situation is. From what you have written, it doesn't sound good. There is not enough information here to go on, though.

I think much of what I might offer would pale in comparison to what you already know. I wish you the best. It must be really tough after you've gone through working on yourself and your marriage.
__________________
"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 12:51 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Mr Blunt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 1,824
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Quote:
I have made zero progress in my Bachelor's program (BA in Ministry) because I feel like I'm not worthy of it. My ministry (website) has also fallen by the wayside because I feel like I'm not good enough to run it.

Is this because you have been affected for years by your wife’s betrayal and your adultry or have you felt this way since before marriage? What do you think the reason is that you are disappointed in your BA and web goals?

My pastor, who I am convinced has a burning desire to please God and has been the vessel of many spiritual truths to us, is now single. His wife left him 7 years ago for one year, came back, and she left again and she has now been gone for two years. We do not know why but the elders have made an investigation into the pastor’s life and have reported that they have found nothing the pastor has done that is scripturally wrong. Our pastor has five children and is a blessing to our church!

Charles Stanley, In Touch Ministries, is one of the most gifted biblical teachers in America and his wife left him many many years ago. Dr. Stanley is still a very powerful teacher of God’s word.

I am just guessing, but with the limited information that you gave it maybe, that you think that you should be a Christian superman at the age of 29. Your life fails to live up to your superman complex and now you feel unworthy and not good enough.

I maybe way off but there is something wrong with your strong thoughts and words of “Not good enough” and “don’t deserve it”
You sound like a good man that maybe not focused enough on God’s grace and being beaten down by a wayward wife and your own betrayal.

I know that there is more to your story but with what you gave us I can only see what I have described above.

Last edited by Mr Blunt; 12-18-2013 at 12:14 AM.
Mr Blunt is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 12:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
2ntnuf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 9,246
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

I have to agree with Mr. Blunt.

And, Charles Stanley pulled me through many a rough day with his preaching. He really hit home for me, many times.
__________________
"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
2ntnuf is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 05:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 173
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

RoninJedi - I am very sorry for your pain - I know all about it firsthand. I was an Itinerant Evangelist and a Pastor for 15 years. I was the one, however, that destroyed our marriage. When I actually humbled myself and began to follow through on my promise to change and get help, she turned to another man for her comfort. They are still together four years later.

There are no easy answers here and the pain you will experience will bring new meaning to the verse - "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." The truth is that none of this has caught God by surprise, He has already factored it in and His plan has not been frustrated.

I am now working at a Marriage & Family ministry helping people who have been devastated by divorce. If you would like more information feel free to message me. There is help available.
WolverineFan is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 10:00 PM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 133
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

God hates us all.
NovellaBiers is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 10:08 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
FormerSelf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sagebrush scattered desert of Eastern Washington State, USA
Posts: 1,249
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

For Christians, I understand that divorce is sometime more traumatic than the infidelity itself. I know, I felt really defeated when I was staring at the face of a wife who acted shamelessly and was walking away from all that she knew about her beliefs. Utter powerlessness and defeat.
However God strengthened me where I had no strength. I relied on principles given in Love Must Be Tough and also fed myself on everyone's experiences here...to open my stinkin' eyes. I was able to set boundaries for myself and then LET GO of what I feared divorce MEANT about my life and my future...and just warmed myself in the comfort of God and submitted myself to the process of healing, erecting tough boundaries with my spouse, and got to a place of accepting that which I could not control. I got out of the way of God...and in my case, my wife did come around...on the eve of our divorce finalization. Of course, then I was diagnosed with cancer, so go figure...ha!
In any case, God is not a stranger...and sees things many miles and years down the road. You can't control the opinion of other concerning your state...and you sure as heck can't disregard how you have helped others...as if this disqualifies you to be God's help in the lives of hurting people. You are only going to come out stronger and wiser after all of this...and be thankful that all this is getting exposed and dealt with your life. Be thankful every day...and cling to the Lord's joy...and reside in the peace that surpasses all understanding. This is our foundation...being thankful in our trials...and being complete for no apparent reason! Your witness will become greater than you think.
FormerSelf is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-17-2013, 11:37 PM   #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: a quiet place
Posts: 19
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

RoninJedi, I feel very sorry to hear you are going through this, many people in your shoes have experienced this, and pastors are humans just like everyone else. Your calling has not changed, that is important to remember, and you are paying a price here, not of your own design, but God will be faithful to restore all you have lost if you keep your heart and mind set on him. Remember, we are never able to be worthy in our own strength- we are always both sinner/saint, we need the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ each and every day --and there is new grace each day for us. Sounds like you need to spend time with God, reflect upon his word more deeply, and quick condemning yourself, that is the accuser speaking death to you. The resurrection of the faithful has already been secured in Christ Jesus remember that! "There is now therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus." As one who has been there, you must go through the pain, feel it, grieve, and leave the rest and yourself in God's faithful care. We are never alone, for God is with us always. peace be with you and many prayers.
__________________
Oh yeah yeah, and you smile, you smile
Oh, and then the spell was cast
And here we are in Heaven
For you are mine at last... Etta James
greeneyedlily is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-18-2013, 01:37 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
LostViking's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,627
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovellaBiers View Post
God hates us all.
God had nothing to do with his wife's bad behavior or his poor ways of dealing with her crap.

Leave God out of that.
LostViking is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-18-2013, 04:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 46
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

A belated thank you to all - well, most - of you. Finally forced myself to pray yesterday, and must confess it quickly turned into more of a rant than anything. But it still felt good to get it off my chest and get that connection with God, and my ranting subsided before too long and turned back to earnest prayer. Today I admit I'm still feeling sorry for myself, but it's not the inescapable cesspool it felt like a couple days ago.

It still sucks, I still don't like it, and I still don't have a clue how things will unfold moving forward, but you guys have reinforced truths that I let get away from me when I was hit with the initial shock. My calling hasn't changed, God hasn't changed, He definitely wasn't caught by surprise, and my calling as a pastor doesn't mean I've got it all figured out and that I'm magically made some sort of Super Saiyan warrior who's invulnerable to puny human emotions.

I'm beginning to feel that this is one of those times I'm always telling people about - when God allows us to come to a point where we don't have a choice but to rely on Him, and that's what I'm trying to do.

I still feel like an idiot, but I also know I'm God's idiot, and that along the way He'll give me an IQ boost as this experience unfolds.

Thanks again for the kind words, encouragement, prayers, and no-bull crap opinions. They are a big help.
__________________
Forged in Fire Ministry
RoninJedi is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-18-2013, 05:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
FormerSelf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Sagebrush scattered desert of Eastern Washington State, USA
Posts: 1,249
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

To be honest, in spite of the truths that we believe guide us through such an ordeal...it still is a huge emotional rollercoaster.
FormerSelf is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-19-2013, 05:22 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Rev. Clonn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Sin City oddly enough
Posts: 45
Default Re: Wow. I Feel Like An Idiot.

The right answer, "not my will lord, but thyne". I have and will pray for you and yours.
Rev. Clonn is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Venting! Wow, I feel great now! NOT! Spider813 General Relationship Discussion 12 08-06-2013 03:38 PM
I feel like such and Idiot!! EastCoastHopeless Coping with Infidelity 15 06-10-2013 10:21 AM
Feel like an idiot Bottled Up Sex in Marriage 18 07-09-2012 04:02 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:27 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.