Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids
Husband and I have R our marriage since May of this year. It has not been easy and I have wondered what the world have I done plenty of times. Some days I actually dislike him and wish he would leave me so that I may enjoy the house in peace, without the TV tuned into basketball, football or any shoot em up bang bang movie at the highest volume possible. He has taken over the family room and gets possesive that anyone else may want to sit on the couch and enjoy the comforts of home. My feelings were hurt so badly on Christmas day and I don't know how to approach him about it.
During our separation last year, his uncle died and his mother died within a one month time period. His mother passed on 12/14/12 and I know that this could be a rough time for him. It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time. I tried this year to make Christmas something to remember and have happy times to cherish. I planned ahead with my purchases, made sure that the kids got him something and his comment was 'Man, I never received so many gifts before'. But after it was over it appeared as if he wanted us all to go away. The kids retreated to their rooms and played their games and I piddled around downstairs for a bit relishing in the idea that everything turned out well.
He got incredibly moody on me and screamed at me that I should have celebrated Christmas with my family instead of being in his face all the time. Mind you, we agreed that none of us were ready to do the big family thing just yet, so I declined the offer for dinner with my family. He accused me of suffocating him and he wished that the New Year brought new times of me finding a life. He then stated that there was no need for me to be downstairs with him when he bought me a huge tv for our bedroom and I could enjoy that upstairs instead of being around him.
Now, I get that he was probably going through some feelings at this time, but this really hurt me. I could have been with those that wanted my company instead of being yelled at by him. I overheard in a conversation later he was having with a family member of his that he was having a hard time during the day. He could not share with this with me, he could only wish me gone.
I've read a lot of articles about how I should not lose myself in my marriage and I should venture out and explore my hobbies. I realize I may sound ridiculous in asking advice about this, but these are my concerns... I've read that I need to focus on what makes me happy and then he will come around. That I need not be concerned with the way that he comes across at me and just love on me. So my question is this: How do I balance the responsibilities of my marriage, myself and my kids. I want to be there for everyone. I want to fulfill my duties as wife, mother and all that. I go to work, I come home make dinner, clean the kitchen and relax. Usually on the weekends, I try to find something to do, but honestly I am not that successful. It's really challenging to make friends at this age and even more challenging when the only thing on my mind is how my H can be a jerk. I signed up for MeetUp.com to find activities to do with others but never commit to anything on a regular basis. I have responsibilities. As I type this, I really dislike the way that I sound. I fear I come across as being needy and almost pathetic. Those are not strong qualities. I just want to have a complete balance, of those things I want most in life.
Just know, I hear what he is saying. The kids graduate HS in 2014, I don't want to miss a thing with them before they leave for college, I dont have a life outside of my family. And even if I did, I fear none of them would support my interests. That my friends is the cornerstone of my issue. I fear they would not show their love for me by supporting my interests the way I support theirs.
I gotta go, I don't want to cry about this all day. Tomorrow is my 44th birthday and I want to have a good day. Thanks for listening.