Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 11:48 AM Thread Starter
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Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

Husband and I have R our marriage since May of this year. It has not been easy and I have wondered what the world have I done plenty of times. Some days I actually dislike him and wish he would leave me so that I may enjoy the house in peace, without the TV tuned into basketball, football or any shoot em up bang bang movie at the highest volume possible. He has taken over the family room and gets possesive that anyone else may want to sit on the couch and enjoy the comforts of home. My feelings were hurt so badly on Christmas day and I don't know how to approach him about it.

During our separation last year, his uncle died and his mother died within a one month time period. His mother passed on 12/14/12 and I know that this could be a rough time for him. It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time. I tried this year to make Christmas something to remember and have happy times to cherish. I planned ahead with my purchases, made sure that the kids got him something and his comment was 'Man, I never received so many gifts before'. But after it was over it appeared as if he wanted us all to go away. The kids retreated to their rooms and played their games and I piddled around downstairs for a bit relishing in the idea that everything turned out well.

He got incredibly moody on me and screamed at me that I should have celebrated Christmas with my family instead of being in his face all the time. Mind you, we agreed that none of us were ready to do the big family thing just yet, so I declined the offer for dinner with my family. He accused me of suffocating him and he wished that the New Year brought new times of me finding a life. He then stated that there was no need for me to be downstairs with him when he bought me a huge tv for our bedroom and I could enjoy that upstairs instead of being around him.

Now, I get that he was probably going through some feelings at this time, but this really hurt me. I could have been with those that wanted my company instead of being yelled at by him. I overheard in a conversation later he was having with a family member of his that he was having a hard time during the day. He could not share with this with me, he could only wish me gone.

I've read a lot of articles about how I should not lose myself in my marriage and I should venture out and explore my hobbies. I realize I may sound ridiculous in asking advice about this, but these are my concerns... I've read that I need to focus on what makes me happy and then he will come around. That I need not be concerned with the way that he comes across at me and just love on me. So my question is this: How do I balance the responsibilities of my marriage, myself and my kids. I want to be there for everyone. I want to fulfill my duties as wife, mother and all that. I go to work, I come home make dinner, clean the kitchen and relax. Usually on the weekends, I try to find something to do, but honestly I am not that successful. It's really challenging to make friends at this age and even more challenging when the only thing on my mind is how my H can be a jerk. I signed up for MeetUp.com to find activities to do with others but never commit to anything on a regular basis. I have responsibilities. As I type this, I really dislike the way that I sound. I fear I come across as being needy and almost pathetic. Those are not strong qualities. I just want to have a complete balance, of those things I want most in life.

Just know, I hear what he is saying. The kids graduate HS in 2014, I don't want to miss a thing with them before they leave for college, I dont have a life outside of my family. And even if I did, I fear none of them would support my interests. That my friends is the cornerstone of my issue. I fear they would not show their love for me by supporting my interests the way I support theirs.

I gotta go, I don't want to cry about this all day. Tomorrow is my 44th birthday and I want to have a good day. Thanks for listening.

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 05:02 PM
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

It appears that he does not have the requirement to have you provide him with emotional closeness that you do. He may even resent you; just a guess. (See your quote below)
Quote:
It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time.




Quote:
I fear they would not show their love for me by supporting my interests the way I support theirs.
That is a statement that needs a lot more information. Can you tell us why you feel that they would not show you their love?


Happy birthday! Some of the best people were born in December!
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 05:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

What does that mean 'he doesn't have the requirement'? Are you saying what I'm thinking, that emotionally he cannot or is not available right now? How long will that take? It's been a year...

Clarifying my statement: my theory on showing love is that you participate in others interests, therefore showing an interest in them. I am the only female in my household, the things I like to do are girly versus what the guys like to do! I tried to take my 17 year to a pottery class with me, he looked like he was in pain!
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 10:48 PM
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

Quote:
It appears that he does not have the requirement to have you provide him with emotional closeness that you do. He may even resent you; just a guess. (See your quote below)
Quote of InOverMyHeart (IOMH)
It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time.


What does that mean 'he doesn't have the requirement'? Are you saying what I'm thinking, that emotionally he cannot or is not available right now? How long will that take? It's been a year...

It is very difficult for me to give you in depth answers with such limited information. That is why I used the word “Appears”

I am going to take a guess at answering your question.

Here is my first guess

You require more emotional closeness than he does. In other words more needy than he is.
I say this because of your statements below:

Quote:
I fear I come across as being needy and almost pathetic.

He accused me of suffocating him and he wished that the New Year brought new times of me finding a life.

He then stated that there was no need for me to be downstairs with him when he bought me a huge tv for our bedroom and I could enjoy that upstairs instead of being around him.






The second guess is that he resents you. I say this because of your words below:
Quote:
It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time.

I overheard in a conversation later he was having with a family member of his that he was having a hard time during the day. He could not share with this with me, he could only wish me gone.
Do any of those seem likely?
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-28-2013, 11:37 PM
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

It sounds to me that he is working his male dominance a bit too much in the marriage...and even though he feel like he is playing the role he is supposed: "I work hard and earn the $$$"...that it makes him the "boss who pays the costs" His behavior is only going to shut out the hearts of his wife and kids, earn their contempt. First sign of a dysfunctional family: Communication breakdown...if he has set the stage as to where you are unable to talk with him concerning things.
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas is a refreshing book that I think would open your eyes. I also recommend reading books on codpendency...'cos I see someone who has an indentity built up around the wants and needs of your family members. Nothing wrong with a commitment to service, but being treated with disrespect and dishonor is not a healthy environment. How are you getting your batteries recharged?
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 10:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

Mr. Blunt, I believe your theories are something to consider. Truth be told, I don't really want to write him off as a complete inconsiderate unemotional jerk. I would rather get an understanding and with that understanding develop ways to adjust my behavior to accommodate what I need. Over the past 24 hrs, I've paid attention to what I've done to meet his needs. They aren't emotional like mine, but he has needs. I'm not speaking sexually either. But I do go out of my way to make sure he is ok. And... what I've noticed is, the same effort is not being put forth for me.

Prime example: He did not plan ahead for my birthday today. Said he spent all the money for the holidays. I think I'm going to leave everyone home and go enjoy some freebies on my own.

Thank you for the Birthday wishes BTW!
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 11:02 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

FS, yes my H is an alpha male. The tricky part is that I make more money than he does and I know that weighs on him at times. I do feel my heart closing him out and I've felt that several times during our relationship. I would like to try to find a way to get what I need without resenting him because he will not make the effort to ask or provide.

I will check out the books mentioned on Amazon later today. I know I am co-dependent, it's a daily struggle to 'do me' without getting angry at him. I used to attend some group sessions, I think I may pick it back up in the NY.

My batteries recharged? Great question. It's my birthday today, no time like the present to dig in and discover me.
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 11:03 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

Oh can I mention, I feel twisted for not wanting to spend my birthday with my family?
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-29-2013, 10:05 PM
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Re: Separating Marriage, Myself and the kids

Do you two have any source like any third party that can help you two with your issues? I am just guessing but you have written some pretty strong words that convinces me that there is some resentment behind a lot of this (see your words reprinted below)
Quote:
It actually crossed my mind that perhaps he blames me for not being around to comfort him during this terrible time.

I would like to try to find a way to get what I need without resenting him because he will not make the effort to ask or provide.

I make more money than he does and I know that weighs on him at times.

I know I am co-dependent, it's a daily struggle to 'do me' without getting angry at him

I feel twisted for not wanting to spend my birthday with my family?
If someone resents you nothing is going to get things better without true forgiveness and love IMO.

It would be wise for you two to get a third party involved so that you both can get to the root of your problems
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