God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted. HELP - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 06:52 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
Regardless, you should try thinking for a change that you will have to live with your decisions for a very long time. I honestly think that you could do with a visit to a psychiatrist. Being a recluse may not give you much opportunity for building relational skills, also does not give you much of an opportunity to test your beliefs against day to day life. Maybe your thinking and beliefs and visions are not quite right. But if you keep to yourself and don't talk to anyone, how will you ever know? Only a complete despot, a recluse or a person with psychiatric issues has the "privilege" of thinking their beliefs could be real, the rest of us test them out on a daily basis.
Have you quoted the wrong person?

I'm not the recluse, the OP is.

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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 08:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
You need some girlfriends. All your so-called friends are men that you are flirting with - those are not friends, and they will not last once the flirtation is over one way or another.

Aren't there any women at whatever church you attend?
I do. I have a hard time maintaining connections with others. On top of that I'm new here, I'm still trying to find a new church home.

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Originally Posted by Mr Blunt View Post
Ask yourself these questions:

1 Do you want to be friends with a “Womanizer”?

2 Do you want to be friends with a person that gets drunk on weekends?

3 If he could not remain friends with the 3 women that he knocked up do you think that he will really be your friend?

4 Do you want to be friends of a person that talks the talk but does not walk the walk?



Are you sacrificing the wisdom of the Bible for your own agenda?

I find it hard to believe that you are confused about Reynold. You have articulated the main character of Reynold in your posts. Why do you have to ask us about Reynold? I am wondering if you really want advice about Renold or is there some other agenda you are after? The reason that I ask is because it is very plain to most posters on here that Reynold is a loser. Why do you not see that?

You say that you like to talk about spirituality with Reynold. [B]Do you find it somewhat contradictory that you like to talk to a man that is a womanizer, a drunk, has knocked up three different women and is mostly talk with no action?[/B

What are your motives?
I agree with what the other posters and have said, and after some introspection, I can now see that Reynold is not enhancing my life the way I think a real friend should. I believe you should at least respect your friends. I dont respect Reynold. And I dont think he fully accepts who I am as a person either.

Therefore, I've been cutting back my interactions with him. I no longer go out my way to see him. But if we bump into each other (since we work together and live in the same building) then I'm cordial but I keep conversation short.

I do feel some type of mourning though, because some part of me does feel guilty about cutting him off even though it's the right thing.

How do I get rid of the guilt?
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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-30-2013, 08:13 PM Thread Starter
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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Originally Posted by SlowlyGettingWiser View Post
3 children by 3 DIFFERENT women!?!
  • And he's currently banging a FWB
  • And he drinks DAILY
  • And he smokes
  • And he's a self-admitted womanizer & player
Now I am NOT religious, (I believe in God, but not religion) but simple logic tells me that if God was going to speak to Reynold, it would be to bytch-slap him about his ridiculous lifestyle, his hypocrisy in "talking" God and "walking" in shadow; it would be to tell Reynold to straighten up before God smites him. It would NOT be to tell Reynold 'go ahead and muck up a faithful believer's life'!

...see what I'm sayin?

Reynold is a LIAR. He's running a 'line' on you. He knows you're religious, so he runs a 'God spoke to me' line on you. It would be interesting to know what 'line' he ran on each of his baby mamas! (Oh, you're a singer?!? Unbelievable, I'm getting in the music business...just starting up my own record label! Oh, you wanna model? Hey, baby, I am just starting my own photography business! I can do your portfolio; we can submit some shots and then we can both get into the business.) See what I mean? He didn't get THREE (3) baby mamas by going to church regularly and doing God's will, did he?

Dump this loser/user. You DON'T need "friends" like this (some drunken day he'll go too far!). Drop your other friends if they're friends of Reynold's. You need a new RELIGIOUS circle of friends. They're out there; you'll find them. You'll know them when you find them. And they will have been worth the wait!

PS: You've only known Reynold & his friends for 6 weeks...they're not FRIENDS, they're acquaintances.

*hugs* to you and best wishes on expanding into a new circle of WORTHY friends for yourself in 2014!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!

You're very right! And I feel very stupid about it.

I think one of the reasons I feel bad about letting him go, is because I'm so poor at making and maintaing friendships. Like I said before, I'm a recluse. I definitely need more friends.


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Originally Posted by Homemaker_Numero_Uno View Post
Your buddy has some serious mental health issues. You mentioned being on a base. I'd steer clear of him and do damage control to CYA. Assume you are working on the base, either as a civilian or military.
What kind of damage control are you referring to?

Yes. He and I are both military.
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 12-31-2013, 09:04 AM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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How do I get rid of the guilt?
Guilt comes from within. Only you can get rid of it.

Recognize why you are making this change. You are trying to make your life better, everry day that you are alive. Why feel guilty about that? Life is not a bowl of cherries; it's hard at times. There are many days you have to do things you don't feel good about doing, but know they have to be done.

Guilt is not a healthy thing to hang onto, although it can be a great motivator. Use this feeling, for now, before you get rid of it completely, to motivate yourself to cleanse your life from succubi and parasites. You are already seeing the wisdom in this change. That, in and of itself, should ease your conscience.

You don't have to live to anyone else's standard but your own. When someone imposes their standard on you, it's up to you to decide whether that's something you want to live with. It's always your choice. Choose wisely.

How do you choose wisely? Make mistakes, learn, move ahead. We who have lived 50+ years have made LOTS of mistakes, and we seem wiser for it (well, some of us). So again, put more of your time in, engaging with "seasoned" people. Be as open as you are comfortable with being, and learn.

I was lucky as a teenager to spend five summers working with my Grandfather. I gained a lot of insight about life from him. While not all old people are respectable, it's pretty easy to pick out those who are, by just spending a little time with them.

Good luck in this learning process, and God bless.
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 07:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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You don't have to live to anyone else's standard but your own. When someone imposes their standard on you, it's up to you to decide whether that's something you want to live with. It's always your choice. Choose wisely.
THIS was what saved me.

I did feel guilty before. But after what happened yesterday: I no longer do.

For the past several days, I've distanced myself from Reynold. I avoided his calls and texts. I stopped going out my way to see him.

However, two days ago, when I checked my phone I noticed Reynold had been texting me back to back, trying to get in contact. Since I hadnt decided on how much I wanted to cut our friendship (whether completely cut it off , or to keep it cordial when we bump into each other), I sent him a text back saying "hi." He asked how I was and said he's been wanting to talk about his new "spiritual realizations" and wanted my input; Reynold then asked: "Do you want to do dinner tomorrow evening?"

I got an odd feeling. My intution said he had other motivations. So, I answered, "I'm busy tomorrow evening but we can hang out earlier in the day, if you like." He agreed. The next day came: No call. No text. Nothing. I dodged a bullet.

After thinking about it, I became furious. I felt like meat. Like trash. He talked all this garbage about wanting to get back on the straight and narrow path...And we BOTH agreed it was healthier to be just friends, then back to the ambiguous-ness of what we had before. I'm upset and know I'd probably say something I regret. Or that with him, he might try to flip it back on me. I think I should continue what I was doing before: avoidance and a clear fade out from being around him. I have peace on this now
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 08:23 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

He sounds like a "closet narcissist" (hard to spell that word!!).
He just says things to get your attention, and I don't think he understands when he says things that backfire, such as admitting to being a 'player'.

What does he do for a job? I must have missed it. He's kinda living with his head in the clouds. Sure, if he's got three kids to three women, he may as well be flipping burgers and living in a pineapple under the sea!

Maya Angelou once said, when someone tells or shows you who they are, believe them.

You can do better than him!
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-04-2014, 09:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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He sounds like a "closet narcissist" (hard to spell that word!!).
He just says things to get your attention, and I don't think he understands when he says things that backfire, such as admitting to being a 'player'.

What does he do for a job? I must have missed it. He's kinda living with his head in the clouds. Sure, if he's got three kids to three women, he may as well be flipping burgers and living in a pineapple under the sea!

Maya Angelou once said, when someone tells or shows you who they are, believe them.

You can do better than him!
We're both active military. And I think that's part of the reason he joined: it pays more than what his other alternatives could be.
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 07:26 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

I don't mean to be offensive but your entire thread sounds Flighty. So much so that I too find this post hard to believe. You sound like a person that is very vulnerable and easily taken advantage of.

You posted this in "Relationships & spirituality" ??? This situation is so far outside the bounds of spirituality it's just... hard to believe.

Anyway, I didn't read every post on here but I would advise you to end this "relationship" as well. Kind of sounds to me like you're both just looking for an encounter to take place...nothing spiritual about that. I would also recommend counseling. You need therapy.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 07:35 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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Have you quoted the wrong person?

I'm not the recluse, the OP is.
All of that was directed at the OP. When you QUOTE someone, you are quoting them, not directing a comment AT them.

Anyhow, this is OT so keeping it short.
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 07:39 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!

You're very right! And I feel very stupid about it.

I think one of the reasons I feel bad about letting him go, is because I'm so poor at making and maintaing friendships. Like I said before, I'm a recluse. I definitely need more friends.




What kind of damage control are you referring to?

Yes. He and I are both military.
Damage control like making sure your supervisor and higher ups know that you are cutting ties with this person. If he is the type of person he seems like, he may try to retaliate or blackmail you into socializing with him, or otherwise make trouble for you professionally. It's easy to do in the military. Just make a report that someone is suicidal, or said something or went somewhere they weren't supposed to be... there are also basic security clearances. That's what I'm saying when I refer to damage control. Watch your back, and make it official who you are and aren't being buddies with. That way your supervisors or others will know if they hear any reports, to take them with a grain of salt and ask for evidence. You don't want to end up in the mental health clinic wondering why you're being asked about suicide or making statements you didn't make. BTDT. Really IRRITATING. But could be damaging...especially if you have been hanging out with the wrong crowd before turning a corner (I never did but you never know who is involved with what...he could have been grooming you or setting you up for something...) Or he could just be one of those really irritating OSI types. Blech.

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post #41 of 41 (permalink) Old 01-20-2014, 07:48 PM
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Re: God May Be Leading Me To Marry This Man, But He's Not What I Expected Or Wanted.

As for having been more than friends, don't worry about moving on. I had a few similar encounters and can't even remember the guys' names. That's how insignificant they become. You will learn from experience, nobody is perfect the first time around and the military is kind of odd in that way, you would think people would have it more together...but it does provide housing, structure, pay and good mobility to avoid building up reputation and constant stream of new people to socially scam, and there is a lot of religious stuff going on too, especially among enlisted...some good some kind of extreme or fringe.

Take up bowling or ping pong and stick to the hobby, you'll be good. Also regular running clubs and stuff like that or off-duty on-base education programs. Stay away from poker games and non-base-sponsored religious activities, and if you are living in barracks talk to your 1st Sgt to get a good roommate, someone who will truly be your buddy and watch your back. If you want to go out dancing, use the base rec like the NCO club (or O Club if you're an officer) and go back home with a buddy about an hour before closing...or go to a late-night movie and then home to bed.

Don't text on the job. Don't let guys stop by to see you on the job. If they do tell them to back off, you're working. Tell them loudly if they don't listen to polite and discreet.

Maybe some will call you a b*tch but you will feel better about yourself and have more control over your life...also make sure you are doing everything you can to advance. Take on an extra duty like for an aid society (Army or Air Force or whatever...) where you can be secretary or Treasurer...

Do language training. You should be at least bilingual.
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