WS attempting to R here
Is there any moving past this?
My wife and I have had 3 mild attempts to R so far and none of them have really made a dent as we tend to, when there are large bumps in the road, go back to rehashing the past. I am sorry for what I did. I started talking to an old friend who I though had nothing but platonic intentions, my wife felt threatened. I ignored her warnings and pleas and continued. Eventually I started hiding the relationship to avoid the conflict. I was caught, I ended the communication, and low and behold my wife was right. After I told the OW i couldn't be friends with her she began professing her love. My wife and I started the healing process, or so I thought. We bounced back and forth from R to talking about D for a year until I started watching porn. I have a high sex drive and my wives drive deteriorated drastically after the EA (perfectly understandable). I confessed the porn to her and we started dealing with it in counseling. Now my wife is back to not knowing where she wants to be. We have had some amazing times between now and the confession, but she says she is unsure and is now waiting fro God to tell her whether she should stay or go since she has Biblical grounds for divorce.
I love my wife dearly. She is incredibly hurt and angry and has been for almost a year now. We make progress, and then wind up back at square one. I want to make her happy. I also want to make sure that I am being the spiritual leader in my house that I am called to be. My wife curses me and yells a LOT. she went from being a soft spoken girl to a pistol with little to no respect for me because she feels my actions robbed me of the right to be respected. I am completely remorseful for what I did, so I am inclined to agree…but what now? I have told her that I am not okay with how we are now, that we are now both hurting because of the damage that has been done and we need to get back to being there for each other. I have asked for council form my church and am told to love my wife as I would want to be loved, and to be strong. the problem is that I am not strong at all. The rejection I feel is crippling. I spend most of my night crying in private because my tears now have zero affect on my wife despite the fact that she has only just recently seen this side of me.
So considering the depression that I am now dealing with and the self destructive thoughts from the rejection and the verbal abuse…what are Christians called to do? I have heard the suck it up marriage is hard piece and taken it to heart. but I feel like my wife is destroying me. My insecurity and loss of self worth roller coaster with every barrage of hate. I want to love as Christ loved, and I feel that it may be my penance for what I have done to her (this is what she has told me), but I am so defeated and empty at this point I don't know what to do….
Is there any moving past this?
My wife and I have had 3 mild attempts to R so far and none of them have really made a dent as we tend to, when there are large bumps in the road, go back to rehashing the past. I am sorry for what I did. I started talking to an old friend who I though had nothing but platonic intentions, my wife felt threatened. I ignored her warnings and pleas and continued. Eventually I started hiding the relationship to avoid the conflict. I was caught, I ended the communication, and low and behold my wife was right. After I told the OW i couldn't be friends with her she began professing her love. My wife and I started the healing process, or so I thought. We bounced back and forth from R to talking about D for a year until I started watching porn. I have a high sex drive and my wives drive deteriorated drastically after the EA (perfectly understandable). I confessed the porn to her and we started dealing with it in counseling. Now my wife is back to not knowing where she wants to be. We have had some amazing times between now and the confession, but she says she is unsure and is now waiting fro God to tell her whether she should stay or go since she has Biblical grounds for divorce.
I love my wife dearly. She is incredibly hurt and angry and has been for almost a year now. We make progress, and then wind up back at square one. I want to make her happy. I also want to make sure that I am being the spiritual leader in my house that I am called to be. My wife curses me and yells a LOT. she went from being a soft spoken girl to a pistol with little to no respect for me because she feels my actions robbed me of the right to be respected. I am completely remorseful for what I did, so I am inclined to agree…but what now? I have told her that I am not okay with how we are now, that we are now both hurting because of the damage that has been done and we need to get back to being there for each other. I have asked for council form my church and am told to love my wife as I would want to be loved, and to be strong. the problem is that I am not strong at all. The rejection I feel is crippling. I spend most of my night crying in private because my tears now have zero affect on my wife despite the fact that she has only just recently seen this side of me.
So considering the depression that I am now dealing with and the self destructive thoughts from the rejection and the verbal abuse…what are Christians called to do? I have heard the suck it up marriage is hard piece and taken it to heart. but I feel like my wife is destroying me. My insecurity and loss of self worth roller coaster with every barrage of hate. I want to love as Christ loved, and I feel that it may be my penance for what I have done to her (this is what she has told me), but I am so defeated and empty at this point I don't know what to do….