Originally Posted by Forever Changed View Post
But why has the Lord taken everything I have loved away from me?
The reasoning behind my decision is that I may find love, but for how long? A week? A month? 10 years? Then they leave, you see. Forever.
Oh how I dream of Heaven. All the time. I sit outside and smile about what Heaven will be to me. When God calls me Home, My Angel will take me to Him. She will be so beautiful and her eyes will say "We love you, we have been waiting for you". They will lead me to God and I will no longer have fear, sadness, worry, regret, sorrow anymore. Just peace, and love. They will sing in the most beautiful voices.
I only have one question for our Heavenly Father if He permits me to ask. One word. Just one word.
No one knows what is in their future. We all just do the best we can with what we have. That's all I do. What I do is not enough for most, but it's all I have to give right now. I have to be satisfied with what I have to offer now.
I don't know why these things happen. Much of what happened to me was due to not knowing who I was actually marrying. Some of it was because I did not stand up for my boundaries, when I saw them being violated. I didn't have the guts to get another divorce. I wanted companionship and love, just like you do. Some of my problems came from biological changes, both in me and her. Some of my problems came from my inaction to help myself. I don't know which would have been correct, to leave or to work on myself. I think the answer is both. I needed to work on myself, always. I needed to make me a priority and all else would fall into place.
I think she was just not ready to commit and I think I needed someone to help me, too much. I always thought it was normal to work together on things that happened in life. I know now, that's not how anyone likes doing it any more. They like to be on their own, making their own decisions while being married. It's a different concept to what I thought was supposed to happen.
There were many other things which I could not do anything about which led to my separation. I have to know that there was nothing I could do to change those things. You must learn that, too. You can only do the best you can with what you know today.
You can read the Book of Job, but it basically ends with God asking Job to tell him how things were made if he thought he was so important that he needed to know everything. God does as He sees fit. His reasons we may never know. We live and deal with our lives as best we can.
And really, that's it isn't it? We owe God. He doesn't owe us. We must find a way to be grateful for everything. You may love your ex and your little family that you once had. I do also.
What you must somehow come to understand is this. There is not only one life path that you can live. There are many and if you take into account all the apostles and martyrs went through, you will see that they all had a tough life. They were fishermen or tax collectors who left all behind to follow. I'm not saying you need to leave all behind. I don't know what you need, except love and kindness, some healing and some hope and just a little happiness and joy. I know if you can start to find those, you will feel like they are building upon each other and helping you to heal.
There is much more you can do, though. You need the counseling to help you. You need to heal further. You need to find some friends, like you said. You need to live for you and not forget your son. You must come first, so you will have strength for your son. You can make a difference in his life. He can know you. You can survive and have a decent life that is satisfying and happy. You have work to do, but we all do. I have plenty of my own work to do. I can only start, doing a little at a time. I have to be satisfied with that.
X can no longer rule my life, not matter how much I miss her. I must make myself happy. It doesn't take that much to make me laugh. I just need to carry those good thoughts into the rest of life. I need to find goals and work toward them. I think you will probably find yourself doing the same.
Never give up. The only constant in life, is change.