Do you want to be good/do the right thing? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-12-2014, 05:55 AM Thread Starter
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Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

Do you feel an internal compulsion to be good/do the right thing? Even when it is hard, boring, a slog? Are you internally motivated? Do you just feel good inside when your actions align with your values, regardless of what people around you tell you?

Do you follow your own conscience?

I think many people do. I try to. I don't like how I feel when I act out of selfishness. And I hate the consequences of selfishness, like broken or damaged relationships, weight gain, a feeling of sloth, for example.

I think religion can provide a lot of external support to this, but ultimately, a desire to be good must be internal. We have to want to feel good more than we want to enjoy the pleasure of whatever bad thing we feel tempted to do.

Do you struggle with this? How?


One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-12-2014, 05:51 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

this is something I am working on for myself as well as struggling with my husband. I feel like I have a better grasp on this and am more in tune to my conscience than my husband is, but I know I'm not perfect. I am trying to be a person of character regardless of what is happening to me, in my actions and words. Not only do I not see my husband trying to do this... he actually says things to the contrary such as "well if you did this then that would make me want to treat you better." And I've been telling him "don't be a good person for me or dependent on my actions, be a good person for yourself because you want to be a man of character." He doesn't get it and it's utterly frustrating. Treating someone like dirt is a reflection on yourself rather than what the other person did to cause you to do this... I am disturbed that he thinks otherwise. I as well need to improve myself because I want to be a woman of character regardless of how he treats me, I refuse to give in to the game anymore. I've been spending more time in reflection and on my faith. I can only control my actions and words.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-13-2014, 07:48 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

Your post bespeaks wisdom, Adeline. Thank you for sharing.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 12:29 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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Originally Posted by jld View Post
Do you feel an internal compulsion to be good/do the right thing? Even when it is hard, boring, a slog? Are you internally motivated? Do you just feel good inside when your actions align with your values, regardless of what people around you tell you?

Do you follow your own conscience?
....
I am a person who detests Lying... of any sort, I would prefer someone to be RUDE to me ...over flattering to my face -then talk crap behind my back... I don't expect perfection from people...I just want them to be Real with me....

The truth is...we all have unruly emotions at times...Bad Days...Mouthy moments..we may do something stupid, something we regret... we sometimes hurt those we love.....

BUT....this should make us feel bad ...we hurt someone today....we don't want to loose this....something in us should want to make this right......to be redeemed, back in line with our true self, our best self -the one we look in the mirror every day...and to be at peace again with that person.....as much as we can -on our end, that is......

I don't try to stuff this... I have definitely warred with it though...

I get very troubled when others are at odds with me.. MORE Troubled if I brought it on...because I KNOW I have to act to make it right... ..if I care about that person...

... However if someone else is harsh to me -and I have evaluated it ...looking at my own hand...that I didn't do anything wrong to this person to cause the unleashing or what feels like vile against me.... I can allow it to slide easier...letting it go because my conscience is clear....that is on them...not everyone is going to like us...and it's OK....

I am not big on Religion anymore.. but I am Big on Integrity...and trying to do the right thing even when it's uncomfortable, it may even be painful.. even if it makes us LOOK BAD.

I could share a story here on that note -it was a stupid whopper (unrelated to my marriage).. the way it played out, I feel I did the right thing ..(I was ashamed at the time)....but I think I will stop here...

I have no desire to have my conscience seared...I think we all need to look within... but at the same time...have some "self compassion" on ourselves as well...

It's funny.. some people only seem to have compassion on themselves feeling the rest of the world be damned, then others seem to be ultra critical to themselves to the point of hating themselves...yet extend compassion to others......there is a balance to be learned in this too.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 01:53 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

Yes I absolutly agree. The highest ideal in life is to align your thoughts, emotions and actions so that there is no internal contradiction.

I was just arguing on another thread that good character is the most important thing that a marriage partner can have.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 08:26 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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Yes I absolutly agree. The highest ideal in life is to align your thoughts, emotions and actions so that there is no internal contradiction.

I was just arguing on another thread that good character is the most important thing that a marriage partner can have.
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Your second paragraph is so true. So, so true.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 09:42 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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Your second paragraph is so true. So, so true.
I have heard you say before that having a good character eliminates the need for for the MMSLP and NMMNG stuff that a lot of the men here harp on so much.

I feel that a woman of character doesn't need to be "gamed" by her husband in order for her to be attracted to him, respect him, or to do the right thing in the relationship.

Conversely, a good man doesn't need to be "gamed" by his wife to keep him interested either.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 09:54 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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I have heard you say before that having a good character eliminates the need for for the MMSLP and NMMNG stuff that a lot of the men here harp on so much.

I feel that a woman of character doesn't need to be "gamed" by her husband in order for her to be attracted to him, respect him, or to do the right thing in the relationship.

Conversely, a good man doesn't need to be "gamed" by his wife to keep him interested either.
Well, I think NMMNG is probably pretty good. As I understand it, it tells men to quit being passive-aggressive and dependent on their wives' moods. It tells them to love themselves, believe in themselves, and befriend themselves. As they get a stronger core, they can actually be the solid presence their wives need them to be.

But the best "marriage book" that I know is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. My goodness. I need to reread that book and do the exercises. What a character developer. Do you know that book?

I think a man's good character will inspire a woman's respect. She look up to him and want to be his.

I can tell you I don't wear high heels or makeup, and am just average looking, and yet dh still tells me I am the only one he is attracted to.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 10:02 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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Well, I think NMMNG is probably pretty good. As I understand it, it tells men to quit being passive-aggressive and dependent on their wives' moods. It tells them to love themselves, believe in themselves, and befriend themselves. As they get a stronger core, they can actually be the solid presence their wives need them to be.

But the best "marriage book" that I know is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. My goodness. I need to reread that book and do the exercises. What a character developer. Do you know that book?

I think a man's good character will inspire a woman's respect. She look up to him and want to be his.

I can tell you I don't wear high heels or makeup, and am just average looking, and yet dh still tells me I am the only one he is attracted to.
You are right, I am thinking of MMSLP.
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 10:05 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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Well, I think NMMNG is probably pretty good. As I understand it, it tells men to quit being passive-aggressive and dependent on their wives' moods. It tells them to love themselves, believe in themselves, and befriend themselves. As they get a stronger core, they can actually be the solid presence their wives need them to be.

But the best "marriage book" that I know is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. My goodness. I need to reread that book and do the exercises. What a character developer. Do you know that book?

I think a man's good character will inspire a woman's respect. She look up to him and want to be his.

I can tell you I don't wear high heels or makeup, and am just average looking, and yet dh still tells me I am the only one he is attracted to.
I actually have never read that book but I'll have to check it out. I like His Needs, Her Needs and The Complete Idiots guide to Assertiveness.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-16-2014, 10:34 PM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

To answer your original question, I wouldn't say I struggle that much with doing the right thing, except that I do occasionally have a short temper.

I agree that religion can provide the basis and insentive for ethics, but ultimately it comes down to a persons choices. You can choose to follow your conscience even without being religious.

I agree with simplyamorous about integrity. It's a great word meaning an undivided whole.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-17-2014, 06:46 AM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

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I actually have never read that book but I'll have to check it out. I like His Needs, Her Needs and The Complete Idiots guide to Assertiveness.
That sounds like a good one -never heard of it before, I think "His Needs/ Her Needs" is the finest Marriage book on the Market.

Quote:
I have heard you say before that having a good character eliminates the need for for the MMSLP and NMMNG stuff that a lot of the men here harp on so much.

I feel that a woman of character doesn't need to be "gamed" by her husband in order for her to be attracted to him, respect him, or to do the right thing in the relationship.

Conversely, a good man doesn't need to be "gamed" by his wife to keep him interested either.
I don't like Games at all, it leaves you "hanging"...always questioning... maybe some get off on that sort of Mystery...this would only irritate me and cause bad feelings...

I NEED openness and honesty.... My husband's temperament is naturally more passive over my own.....I guess I didn't realize HOW MUCH in our past .... He HID how much he wanted sex... and me, having my head in the clouds, on kids, on projects, a little repressed, didn't fully grasp the urgency of the Male sex drive, for all I knew, he only needed it as much as ME.. I was ALWAYS satisfied.. so in this way we missed each other.... sometimes I feel like..... "Darn him!...why did he do that !@#$.... I had a RIGHT TO KNOW, I would have cared , he was always so good to me".

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Jld said: Well, I think NMMNG is probably pretty good. As I understand it, it tells men to quit being passive-aggressive and dependent on their wives' moods. It tells them to love themselves, believe in themselves, and befriend themselves. As they get a stronger core, they can actually be the solid presence their wives need them to be.
I have ... me & my husband went through it -about 4 yrs ago....we determined..where he was missing it... about 4 of the things listed and a few we'd call half truths...

He would have never read the book...even then he said he was "Happy"- but he could have been HAPPIER...he should have tried harder to arouse me, been more creative, more assertive....this would have benefited us both !..... Really...it was ME who WOKE UP ...changed more so....being that more attentive wife .....

He is still a hell of a good man....I guess because of how I see HIM.. I tend to get offended when I read the posts bashing these sort of men... I am looking through my own experience ....(as we so often do)

I feel women should work with their Nice men as well - to help them be better men.... we are all in this together.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 02-17-2014, 06:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

Yes, we are all in this together, and we have to help each other.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 04-30-2014, 03:55 AM
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Re: Do you want to be good/do the right thing?

I am pretty much rebilious nihilist as far my thinking is concerned but I wan't to do good things because certain cultural values that I have raised in by my parents. It's not related to religion or so called morality but rather these are universal human values which have developed in human evolution as part of our tribal nature & need of co operation for survival. It's kind of challenge to control our selfish gene & do right things all the times though. If you read about some so called behaviour patterns like lying, it's rather devoloped in our evolution history & I am not saint to do all right things all the time, It's kind of grey area where individual needs to set certain boundries in order to live happy, constructive & positive life.
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