I have a really crazy situation with my husband. We have been married for 5 years, together for 6 and a half years. I will try to sum up everything as short as possible:
When we met his parents hated me... for no reason. I hadn't gone to college yet and he told me one day that he would not marry me until I went to college. I went to college. Before going to college, he had moved away for the army and I moved to live in the same town so we could still be together. He hid me from his parents... I was not allowed to answer the phone when I was with him... his parents could not know I was there. It truly broke my heart.
We eventually got married and exactly one week later he was deployed to Afghanistan. He came back a very different man. He was very mean, abusive and suddenly had sexual fetishes and wanted me to have sex with other men. He would call me his own personal little **** when we would have sex. The abuse got to the point where he tried to kill me and I had called the police.
Unfortunately, at one point I did end up having sex with someone else. We were at a party and he made all of my drinks... putting an enormous amount of alcohol into each subsequent drink. Before I knew it, a mutual friend had come onto me and my husband told me he wanted me to go have sex with him. Very drunk and wanting my husband to love me, I did it. Afterwards he wanted to hear every detail and he wanted me to continue to do it, although I didn't. I felt ashamed and a terrible Christian.
Fast forward to me calling the police on him. He was arrested, charged with assault. I called his parents and they were furious at me for calling the police on him. He was forced to go into anger management, and it helped.
We moved back to our hometown and had our first child. A little over a year later we decided to have another baby. Shortly into that pregnancy, he chose to go back to Afghanistan (he did not have to as he was no longer in the regular force).
When he came back, he was back to being very mean. He made me feel horrible about myself. I wasn't working, I was a stay at home mom. Things got so bad that we separated (although stayed in the same house for the time being) and I was seeing a lawyer so we could get a divorce.
During our separation, I met a man. He seemed great... and I ended up sleeping with him. I felt disgusting with myself. My husband found out and wanted to know all the details... he was supposed to move out the next day. He didn't leave, rather, he said that having sex with that man saved our marriage. I felt like I was only good for sex. He wanted me to do it again... I had met someone else and did it again. I was so afraid that afterwards this new man wouldn't want anything to do with me... and I was right. Again, I felt like sex was the only thing I was good for.
I told my husband I did not want to do it anymore and that as a Christian I should have never done it in the first place. He said that was okay and he would stop talking about it... but it was only a matter of time before the subject came creeping back up.
I recently met another man. I didn't have sex with him, but we went on a date and fooled around. It felt so nice to have a man pay attention to me and take me out on a date and flirt with me and want to be around me.
When I came home this morning, I didn't want to look at my husband. All I could think was, "What kind of man wants his wife to have sex with other men? He is supposed to love me, cherish me, protect me."
Side note: His parents do not speak to me. They act like I don't exist. They would like a relationship only with my husband and my children... I am nothing but a void to them. My husband will not stick up for me. He never does. In fact, he once said he never talks well of me to anyone.
I have been very depressed today. I kept wondering why I have let myself do this. I was worried that this new man wouldn't want to see me again. It made me so sad because I just want someone to care for me and call me... make an effort to see me and make me happy. All I could think was I didn't have sex with him so he won't call because that is the only thing I am worth.
My self-esteem is down the drain. Before I met my husband, I was happy and healthy. I struggled with anorexia most of my life and when I met my husband, all the negativity (between his parents and me not being good enough) just pushed me right back to my eating disorder. I have been struggling with it ever since. I know I am a pretty girl, but I don't feel that way... I only feel pretty when I have a man's attention.
I guess it might go back to my father. He never paid much attention to me... he was never affectionate.
I just want to be loved. I want to be respected. I want to be cherished. I want to be protected. I feel trapped. As a Christian, I know divorce is a big no-no. But I can't look at my husband with love anymore. When we have sex, I don't want to look at him. He only ever pays attention to me when we have sex... we can't cuddle without him getting aroused and turning it into something sexual. I feel unattracted to him. I feel hurt.
I don't know what to do. We have two children... I just opened a business and am struggling to pay the bills. My husband put thousands of dollars into my new business and several hours of hard labour to make it happen. But why? Why would he do that for me? He complains about it all the time... money and whether or not the business is growing, etc.
I have no money. I don't know what to do. I am so sorry this is so long, I am just so heartbroken and I can't tell anyone about any of this. Please help.