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post #31 of 58 (permalink) Old 06-22-2011, 12:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Thanks for the input Edith. Just to clarify, I'm not connected with the ex or his wife on Facebook. Rather, the wife is a friend of many of MY friends, so I will see her comments, etc. Thankfully there is no communication and no other link. And maybe she doesn't even know my name.

I didn't even bother replying to the post right before yours - so much of it was totally off and I just dont feel like commenting on every single comment. It was highly irritating and very preachy, besides being very off - a lot of it is not how my situation is.

I am exercising and eating right - since writing the last time I've lost 10 pounds and only have another 8 to go. I do have beautiful friends but I'm too ashamed of this struggle to mention it to them.

And it's very true - the worse my marriage, the more I think of the young boy from high school and college. The happy days or moments of my marriage are when I am able to block those memories and enjoy the present reality. I feel that I am doing what I can to give to my marriage and still am hoping for better times.

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post #32 of 58 (permalink) Old 06-22-2011, 04:24 PM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by striving View Post
I didn't even bother replying to the post right before yours - so much of it was totally off and I just dont feel like commenting on every single comment. It was highly irritating and very preachy, besides being very off - a lot of it is not how my situation is.
You may be right on that, but FaithHopeLove had some good points. It may have been a little preachy, but I think she had good motives, esp. the part about contacting another married couple that works with young Christian couples in love.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove View Post
We're not yet married, but for the past year and half we've been living together along with my sister. Overall, yes we've been very happy, but there are bumps and we've had fights and have been angry at one another.
You say all this Christian stuff, which I agree with, but yet you're living with your fiance?
Are we to assume you're having sexual relations?

No problem if so. And I'm not judging you, just trying to grasp what you're saying and how you're living your life...
Just want to see how this squares with your Christian beliefs...

I didn't live with my future wife before we got married (she wouldn't have that, nor would I have asked her to) but we didn't keep ourselves sexually chaste either....

We didn't start ML until 4 mos. into our relationship...
We were in our early 30s and though neither were virgins, both of us had little sexual experience before we met, if that make a diff.

Me, only had 5X total ( 3 diff. women ) 17-30 while she only ML to a guy she dated out of HS going into college, a year into their dating they ML, who she later became engaged to. I'm thinking they didn't have a lot of passionate sex.... I hope...

Last edited by Clarence Rutherford; 04-04-2012 at 12:11 PM. Reason: changed wife's timeline...
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post #33 of 58 (permalink) Old 06-23-2011, 06:36 PM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

My heart goes out to you. My mom recently told me that when she was at her wit's end with her husband, one morning she walked into his bedroom (they were sleeping apart) and said, "get out of bed and on your knees...we're going to pray!" and he did and they started doing it every morning. She probably said more than that. Anyway, I asked her what she would have done if he refused and she said she didn't know.
I wonder if it is possible to go on a short mission trip without any of your family there. I was on a service trip with some high school youth once for a week at a summer camp, cleaning up after the little kids and counselors. After several days of being without my family, serving others, I *really* wanted to go home and serve my family. I had been in a weird place prior to me going. I was taking them for granted before that. It couldn't hurt.
Or, just go on a trip without them - you probably need some renewal!
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post #34 of 58 (permalink) Old 06-27-2011, 01:46 PM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

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Originally Posted by Clarence Rutherford View Post
You may be right on that, but FaithHopeLove had some good points. It may have been a little preachy, but I think she had good motives, esp. the part about contacting another married couple that works with young Christian couples in love.
Thanks for your response! I'm a teacher professionally in a Catholic school, so I guess my posts can get preachy sometimes. It's meant out of love and just wanting to share whatever wisdom God has blessed me with during the 5 years I've been with my husband-to-be. I have plenty of sins I need to deal with, but if God is willing to use me to help a Brother or Sister out, then I am doubly blessed.

Quote:
You say all this Christian stuff, which I agree with, but yet you're living with your fiance?
Are we to assume you're having sexual relations?
We all have our sins and assume what you will about our relationship. My relationship with my husband-to-be is between me, him, God, and our priest. Out of respect for each of those individuals I try not to share too much.

Quote:
No problem if so. And I'm not judging you, just trying to grasp what you're saying and how you're living your life...
Just want to see how this squares with your Christian beliefs...
I've been judged by so many Christians about the choices we've made in our relationship that it honestly does not bother me any more. My final judgement comes from God so whatever good or bad judgements people give me, really, just does not bother me.

If you knew me, you'd know how much love I have in my heart. You'd know how much I love to pray and that I spend as many hours as I can reaching out to people who are in need. You'd know that I care for my husband-to-be and my sister (we all live together) by cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, buying treats for them, and helping them as any way possible. I try to visit my parents as often as possible and I can't think of anything more wonderful than sitting down and talking to my Mom -or- making my Dad's favorite treat: seasoned potatoes. I love each of my students and pray for them and their families constantly. I've stayed up late at night thinking about how I could help this child with his learning disability or how could I teach something in a really fun way for the kids. I give money and sometimes food donations to my parish, I give to various missionaries, and I provide small loans to people around the world who are in need (especially women who are trying to raise funds to go to school).

I'm not trying to brag or anything, but if you knew me you'd know that every action that I do, I try my best to show the world Christ.

I also told my Mom this a few days ago: Because of my past with abusive boyfriends, I'm thankful I was able to live with my husband-to-be for awhile (all together it will be about 2 years). I know that he truly loves me and that while he has flaws (and I do too) we can live together happily. I feel more prepared walking into marriage knowing that than if I was a younger lady w/o living with my husband-to-be. It does not work that way for everyone, but that is the path God set me on.

Quote:
I didn't live with my future wife before we got married (she wouldn't have that, nor would I have asked her to) but we didn't keep ourselves sexually chaste either....
Every relationship is different--- I can understand why our pastors and priests and Holy Scriptures warn us of certain actions. Living together does not necessarily or automatically mean SINNING. Sins are actions-- simply being together in the same place does not mean both of the people are covered in sin. Having premarital sex can sometimes mean sinning. (I don't have a definite answer personally-- I think a couple can possibly be spiritually married without having the Sacrament done)

So I just wanted to share a little bit more-- for me personally, not sure if the opening poster would find any benefit from this post.
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post #35 of 58 (permalink) Old 06-28-2011, 10:35 AM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

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Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove View Post
I've been judged by so many Christians about the choices we've made in our relationship that it honestly does not bother me any more. My final judgement comes from God so whatever good or bad judgements people give me, really, just does not bother me.
Am sorry to hear that. Know that I wasn't throwing stones as I too didn't restrain myself from expressing my love sexually with my future wife I met just a couple of month after I turned 30......
As we didn't start ML until 3 mos. after meeting.... we didn't rush things and I truly wanted a relationship more than a woman who could please my p***s...

Did I feel some guilt about that?
Some.. but not nearly what I would have felt in my early 20s when I never thought I'd have sex outside of marriage...

We did later talk about our sex and each said we asked God for forgiveness..
Though she said she willingly let me in, I apologized for putting her in that position and wasn't the Christian I should have been toward her...

During pre-marriage counseling in the Catholic church we then attended, the lay couple asked us if we were engaging in sex. We and the other couple was as well. The lay couple recommended cooling it for a year until the wedding.

Still slept with each other on weekends but didn't engage in intercourse or even "everything...but" like I had in my 20s with some never-married Christian virgin and non-virgin women who were afraid of the guilt or emotional commitment letting me enter would have brought on them.....
Yes, I wanted to ML with them but respected their stance and was willing to wait... as I didn't want to blow what could have been a lifelong relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove View Post
If you knew me, you'd know how much love I have in my heart. You'd know how much I love to pray and that I spend as many hours as I can reaching out to people who are in need. You'd know that I care for my husband-to-be and my sister (we all live together) by cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, buying treats for them, and helping them as any way possible. I try to visit my parents as often as possible and I can't think of anything more wonderful than sitting down and talking to my Mom -or- making my Dad's favorite treat: seasoned potatoes. I love each of my students and pray for them and their families constantly. I've stayed up late at night thinking about how I could help this child with his learning disability or how could I teach something in a really fun way for the kids.

I give money and sometimes food donations to my parish, I give to various missionaries, and I provide small loans to people around the world who are in need (especially women who are trying to raise funds to go to school).

I'm not trying to brag or anything, but if you knew me you'd know that every action that I do, I try my best to show the world Christ.
I don't doubt that at all. You sound like a spiritual woman and a woman of faith.

That is the kind of woman I was looking for when I was in college.

None of the women I met at the campus religious ctr. and the Christian women I knew at my church wanted to enter a dating relationship with me... nor even go out with me (or so it seemed).
I was Christian as well, and am told I was an average- to good-looking guy so there wasn't anything necessarily wrong with me....

Didn't want to have sex with them... I wanted a life relationship.

As got into my late 20s, feared God had forgotten me..
Here I was 30 and had only gotten CLOSE to getting engaged (at 26) to a highly judgmental 30 y.o. virgin....
Longing for a former love/ my intro.

Longing for a former love/ my intro.

Did everything right... didn't press women for sex, treated them well, etc.... but many said no to my dating invites and may have gone for those "bad boys" instead when they could have found a loving and devoted Good Guy who would have treated them well..

Maybe that's why I sort of "put aside" some of my faith and wasn't so hung-up on sex...
That loneliness led to two separate casual sex encounters at 26 that I regret (One of them was an invitation I should have resisted.... Did turn-down some other casual sex invitations...)

Maybe that horrible experience in my 20s was why I wasn't hesitant to get so sexually passionate with my future wife in my 30s... I let out all my pent-up desire....

Wanted to get SOME kind of sexual satisfaction in my life before I got too old and maybe ended up alone like an elderly aunt who no man ever asked to marry...
.....The way things were going, no reason to think this woman would be any diff. from the others and eventually call our relationship off... Or suddenly be "too busy" to see me again...


As I only had sex ALL OF TWO TIMES throughout my entire 20s (19-30).... can't say I wasn't promiscuous or a player....
Methinks God understands this kind of thing.... and how lonely and sex-starved us singles can get....

Still, I have to thank God for "saving" me from my loneliness at 30 by bringing a wonderful woman into my life. Though I dated, I "expected down" and tried not to go into relationships with high hopes.... Was almost like I was getting resigned to being single....
It was only through that blind date........

Sorry. A little rant there.
I'm still a little upset at some of these so-called Christian women who wouldn't give me the time or day or acted like I didn't exist....
Quote:
Originally Posted by FaithHopeLove View Post
Every relationship is different--- I can understand why our pastors and priests and Holy Scriptures warn us of certain actions.

Living together does not necessarily or automatically mean SINNING.
Sins are actions-- simply being together in the same place does not mean both of the people are covered in sin.

Having premarital sex can sometimes mean sinning.
(I don't have a definite answer personally-- I think a couple can possibly be spiritually married without having the Sacrament done)

Last edited by Clarence Rutherford; 08-17-2011 at 08:21 PM. Reason: added in some info- God saved me at 30 from singleness...
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post #36 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-02-2011, 10:45 PM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

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So I Googled my struggle and was so amazed to find SO MANY other people out there with my same struggle! Wow. Somehow the past few days have felt lighter and less burdened, just to know I'm not alone. There are so many who say that no one ever forgets their first love. And sadly, many more who are going back and forth between that guy and their spouse. I wouldnt' do that. I WANT my marriage to be that fantasy, I want to love my husband like that.

I"m just so glad to have read out there so many other cases where people can't forget the first guy they really loved.
You'd be surprised at how this afflicts many people.
Many times, it's related to the state of the person's marriage, like yours'.
One finds himself/herself longing for days in the past that "seemed" so much better.

That ruminating, however, is often one-sided and can quickly gloss-over some of the relationship's shortcomings, which you pointed out in your OP.


On the woman I reminisced about, that 30 y.o. virgin I dated at 26, I've gotten over that trauma and it only lasted a couple of weeks in Jan., thankfully.
Can't believe how much it tore me apart.

This wasn't just me wishing for her again and only remembering the good times... but all the pain returned in a flush as well...
..... and felt (like I did then) abandoned by God... who didn't seem to be with me... Looking back, methinks he used that breakup pain to teach me some things about women..... and not open my heart so soon to someone....

Your first real love stays with you, no matter how much you would like to forget.
It's like she's in this room in your mind that you can't lock the door to or clean sweep the room. She's always there.

You needed some time to think things through with this guy you from your past you were mulling over.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I think the 1st tragedy in this is >>> you were a young woman who found herself passionately in love , but you allowed shame
& your religious convictions, to take a higher place in your life - above remaining with the man your heart resided with. I can ONLY IMAGINE your pain & regret here.
Amorous,
Those feelings are entirely normal and legitimate. Many Christians feel guilt over such behavior. So don't throw stones at her for her sorrow on that front.

My wife of 14 years, 18 years together as a couple, is feeling some guilt over our premarital sex in our 30s...
I assure her she was a "good Christian girl" back then and sexual desires and actions are normal...
Quote:
Originally Posted by SimplyAmorous View Post
I am sorry for this tremendous loss in your life.
Looking back, do you feel God truly wanted you to take that mission trip?
What was it that compelled you so strongly to RIP your heart into peices- and his?
Maybe she felt such work as a Christian would help ease her guilt over the sexual sin.

Striving, the mission trip was a good idea, don't feel any regret over going.

You likely gained a lot from that by doing that in your life.
Most people won't do that kind of thing and would stay home in their comfortable life...
The selfless giving you provided to others in the world in need was a good thing.

If your EX really loved you, he would have waited until you returned.

I'm assuming you told him your plans and that you would return and could resume the relationship if you both felt right about it, but he rejected that.

He seemed more interested in having sex with you than your happiness. "Real love" is wanting what's best for the other, even if that means you're not what the other wants....

Posted my current situation with my wife here... but was surprised few commented.
My long distance marriage...

This posting got more responses.
My long-distance marriage

Last edited by Clarence Rutherford; 07-03-2011 at 08:36 AM.
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post #37 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-12-2011, 02:58 AM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

There have been some really good thoughts posted about this question. One thing I will add is that because you were sexually active wit this previous boyfriend it does make a bond for you and I believe that is part of the struggle. But you cannot go back only forward. I am going to give you some simple advice that worked for me. Write down all the good qualities about your husband, then read the list of good qualities frequently and pray that your feelings of love for your husband would grow. Continually review your commitment to your husband and family and focus on his good qualities. In time your feelings will follow your thoughts and those longing for a fantasy will be replaced with love for your husband. Also it's easy to imagine the exboyfriend as being such a wonderful guy, but everyone has faults and if you were with someone else you would soon discover that. So this is an opportunity for you and your marriage to grow. Remember your feelings follow your thoughts. So replace your unrealistic thoughts with positive and realistic ones.
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post #38 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 12:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Thanks Suzett. I really appreciate it. I do pray...TONS!...one thing I almost daily ask for is that God give me HIS love in my heart for my husband.

I do notice that when the marriage is getting better (rare), I have less dreams at night and less unwanted daydreams during the day.

It's such a tough struggle (I'm speaking generally)...hurting and longing for your husband to be the "man of your dreams" when he's such a jerk most of the time and marriage is such a huge disappointment - to the point of heartbreak and anguish. Bearing that, it's hard to work and focus on being the woman of HIS dreams, making myself a happy person and giving HIM a wonderful home....when most of the time my heart is broken and sad.

ANYHOOO, onward and upward! I should dust off my Love Dare book.
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post #39 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Quote:
I wonder if it is possible to go on a short mission trip without any of your family there. I was on a service trip with some high school youth once for a week at a summer camp, cleaning up after the little kids and counselors. After several days of being without my family, serving others, I *really* wanted to go home and serve my family. I had been in a weird place prior to me going. I was taking them for granted before that. It couldn't hurt.
Or, just go on a trip without them - you probably need some renewal!
Actually what we need most is time TOGETHER. We are constantly serving others, so much so that the family is usually last. I have never heard my husband say to anyone "sorry, I can't come over, my wife and I have plans"...it's usually "sorry, we can't go out after all, so-and-so called and I'm going over there..." Thanks for the suggestion tho! Just doesn't happen to be our case. I LONG for a little time with my kids and husband that's NOT related to ministry!
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post #40 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 12:56 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Quote:
Striving, the mission trip was a good idea, don't feel any regret over going.

You likely gained a lot from that by doing that in your life.
Most people won't do that kind of thing and would stay home in their comfortable life...
The selfless giving you provided to others in the world in need was a good thing.

If your EX really loved you, he would have waited until you returned.

I'm assuming you told him your plans and that you would return and could resume the relationship if you both felt right about it, but he rejected that.
I dont regret going...I feel it was my calling, no doubt. I've never had any doubts about that.

My ex did love me, and it was mutual. He would've waited. I broke up with him instead...at the time I was sure that we were going in different life-directions, no matter how much I loved him.

(p.s. how do i do the quotes? i cant figure it out!)

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post #41 of 58 (permalink) Old 07-13-2011, 10:07 AM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

The mind and soul ties are powerful things. I would suggest the site: Understanding Soul Ties.

Want to discover how to build relationship trust with your wife, and romance your wife back into your arms?
7 Marriage Saving Husband Habits ,
3 secrets to an intimate marriage, 5 ways to keep her attracted to you

Last edited by Rough Patch Sewing; 07-13-2011 at 10:28 AM. Reason: quick edit
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post #42 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-06-2011, 10:38 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Feel like I'm sinking further and further into depression. Always feel like crying. Am feeling hopeless. Full of regret and can't help it. Hate my marriage and get insanely jealous of my rich friends who have huge houses and go on vacations all year long. Or even my friends who don't have money but have the kind of husband that will even take time for the family to take a vacation together. Full of anguish that I don't even have a friend in my husband.
And no, I'm not hormonal - that was last week.
Sorry to barf this garbage out here. I guess everybody uses it like an online diary once in a while.
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post #43 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-06-2011, 02:27 PM
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

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Originally Posted by striving View Post
Feel like I'm sinking further and further into depression. Always feel like crying. Am feeling hopeless.
Full of regret and can't help it.

Hate my marriage and get insanely jealous of my rich friends who have huge houses and go on vacations all year long. Or even my friends who don't have money but have the kind of husband that will even take time for the family to take a vacation together.

Full of anguish that I don't even have a friend in my husband.

And no, I'm not hormonal - that was last week.
Not a marriage expert, but have you read some marriage improvement books?
Could help.
Quote:
Sorry to barf this garbage out here. I guess everybody uses it like an online diary once in a while.
That's understandable.
I use some of my threads here and on some other boards as places to vent/blogs.

EDITED OUT 12-11

Yes, those links give a glimpse of my life.
I'm not at your state in marriage, but have had moments when I wanted to leave.... will admit.

(Plan to edit-out those links later).


Have you heard of The Marriage Bed forums?
The Marriage Bed • Index page
It's a Christian-based marital sex improvement site/forum.
There are many subforums which deal with other marriage and relationship issues.

Last edited by Clarence Rutherford; 12-11-2011 at 05:45 PM.
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post #44 of 58 (permalink) Old 09-07-2011, 11:21 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Yeah, I've read books. I have taken the initiative to improve and work on our marriage many times. I quit because I get discouraged, like now, and see no changes, and also get annoyed that I'm the only one who ever takes initiative to make life better.
My heart hurts.
Thanks for listening.
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post #45 of 58 (permalink) Old 03-29-2012, 11:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(

Wow. More than ten thousand views. Either the title sounds really juicy or there are a lot of people who can relate to me but just don't take the time to comment.

Still checking back once in a while but since nothing's changed it's been too depressing to post or ask for any new advice. I've been thinking more about leaving or suicide, or who knows. Neither is going to happen of course, but I'm sure everyone has these dreadful thoughts once in a while.

The marriage psychiatrist we went to told me to take 5HTP as a natural supplement to help lift my mood in order to deal with this rotten marriage better. I've taken it on and off for a few months...I guess since I didnt take it faithfully every day it wasn't a true experiment to see if it would help. Does anybody else take or know of a natural supplement to help with depression? He would've Rx-ed me some anti-depressants, but I just didnt want to get in to that.
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