..it was b/c I knew we needed to stop the intimacy and also b/c I knew I felt God leading me to serve overseas.
I think the 1st tragedy in this is >>> you were a young woman who found herself passionately in love , but you allowed shame
& your religious convictions, to take a higher place in your life - above remaining with the man your heart resided with.
I can ONLY IMAGINE your pain & regret here.
I sometimes wonder how I would feel if I let my boyfriend /now husband go (I gave his ring back at one time) -IF he married another- I would feel as your story describes. Just thinking about it alone -could bring me to tears.
I am sorry for this tremendous loss in your life. Looking back, do you feel God truly wanted you to take that mission trip?
What was it that compelled you so strongly to RIP your heart into peices- and his?
If you have some kind of peace/revelation/story that touched others lives, some evidence you DID the right thing, this will help you get past this -to think on these things. Not all was lost.
Don't know if this will help or not but -- I used to believe hearilty in the "Soul mate
" theory (as I feel my husband is my soulmate)-- that God designs a certain special someone for each one of us & if we live relatively decent, they will eventually come into our life, our destinys will meet.
I no longer believe this.
A late night program I caught, a christian program in fact, can't remember the name of the show, it was about marraige, a very very wise Black man was talking. My mind has forever been changed on the "soulmate" theory ...
He explained in GREAT detail how it often hurts /wounds / even destroys many many many in life because people , when things are down & difficult in their own marraiges, will then feel like >>they either LOST their soul mate (as you probably feel & can not get past) ---or they haven't found that special someone God has waiting for them, that they made a tremendous MISTAKE marrying who they are with NOW .
This belief often leads to 2 things : Depression , the "What If's" over lost loves OR they feel they must get out of their troubled marraiges & go SEEK this soul mate that has eluded them in life, believing such a person accually exits.
He talked at length how their is NO soul mates, we can work within our marraiges, if your partner loves & is willing enough, to create that marraige we dream of. I know easier said than done, but just something to consider. One mistake may have led to other things in your life that was so NOT mistakes (your mission trip), look back over your life, reminesce the Great times with your now husband. Commit to "loving the one you are with", like that old song goes.