I feel like my husband's roommate - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-03-2014, 09:13 PM Thread Starter
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I feel like my husband's roommate

Hi, This is my 2nd marriage. We met at church. We are in our 50's. We've been married 6 years. I have always felt like a buddy or pal or roommate or worse. My husband does not act like a guy. He doesn't treat me like a wife. I feel like I'm dying inside. There is no closeness. There is sex but its just sex, its not making love. He doesn't notice when I'm naked or wear something new or smell nice. I just don't get it. I get attention from men at work. I want attention from my husband. I don't even feel like a woman at home. I feel like we are just existing. This has been going on the whole marriage. I can't live like this anymore. What do I do? Why does he act like this?

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-03-2014, 09:52 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

Was it like that before you got married?

C
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-03-2014, 09:57 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

I would insist on marriage counselling and reading his needs her needs with him.

I broke up with my ex for this reason. It's horrible, I need someone who notices me every day, who wants to be present and actually cares about my feelings and what's important to me.

I also need passion.

If he makes no sustained change, personally I wouldn't stay. Life is too short.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 02:46 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

No it wasn't like this before we married. He was very attentive, very nice, very thoughtful. We went to counseling for a year, at about 4 ys of marriage, we've been to many bible studies and marriage seminars. It feels like there is a wall, some kind of blockage preventing him from being a loving husband. I just don't understand why/how he can be this way. I love him, we have a good life BESIDES this, I just don't know what to do about it. I've thought of leaving many times but at my age, I already started over 10 yrs ago from my first marriage and starting over again seems so exhausting. I have one kid left at home for a year. I keep saying I'll leave when she goes to college. He doesn't get it. He thinks nothing is wrong even though I've told him many times how unhappy I am.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 02:53 PM
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No one is responsible for your happiness but you. How big a burden are you putting on him?

Have you sat down and wrote him a letter asking for ABCXYZ or I'm going to leave you and divorce you?
Doubt it...

Have you worn lingerie lately?

I dunno, start with yourself I suppose. Easier to change yourself vs someone else.

My bet is that he doesnt reallt know how unhappy you are. Or even what to do about it.

Not communicating at all and just screwing him over in a year seems like a great option... not.

are you having an affair?

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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 03:18 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

You've lost your connection with him. He needs to know that so tell him. Sounds like he's become complacent. Just going through the motions in life is not enough.
Happened to me too. Now I'm trying to get it back.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 09:49 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

Cbnero, you have some good points, although i was a bit shocked .
Yes I have worn lingerie. He has no interest in sex.
I have told him many many times how unhappy I am, that I need touch and attention. I am not having an affair.
He tonight told me that his Iphone was more important than I was.

I came here for help to try to understand my husband and why he is doing what he is doing. And for advice on what I can do to help the situation. I have put up with ALOT. for the first 3 years of our marriage he was extremely verbally abusive. He was also watching porn on the computer for the first 3 years of our marriage. I was thinking of leaving because he has made no effort to help our marriage. I would not just walk out. I feel stupid even explaining this. Your reply was a bit rude. I'm done. Reply if you want but I won't see it.
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 09:54 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

I'm not sure I understand why you have a daughter living in your home and put up with the verbal abuse and especially the porn. That would really creep me out. Maybe he knows you don't want to start over again fresh with someone else and takes advantage of that...you're not willing to admit a mistake or "defeat"...

btdt. I decided I'd rather have the label divorced publicly than private nastiness.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-04-2014, 11:27 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

Quote:
He tonight told me that his Iphone was more important than I was.

He has no interest in sex.
he was extremely verbally abusive.
He was also watching porn on the computer for the first 3 years of our marriage.

Write him a letter after you have thought out what you want to write. Take plenty of time writing the letter because you will have to back up anything you say.

In a very loving diplomatic way tell him that you really need him to make some changes so that he can make your relationship a LOT richer. Be very specific and then tell him you are drying on the vine and do not want the marriage to fail.
Tell him that you are willing to change anything that is hurting the relationship as well.


Also, make a plan for you to leave if that is what it comes to. Get yourself stronger and in a financial position that you can live independently. Even if it takes 1-2-3 years stick with your plan.


Have you ever heard that song “You Don’t know What You Got Until You lose It”? if your husband will not change with your letter then what choice do you have? Maybe if you left with NC for a good period of time he may be jolted enough to change.

If you work your plan you will be OK with him or without him!
Your posts indicate that you cannot go on the way things are so what do you have to lose, his treatment of you sucks so what will you be missing?
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-05-2014, 08:40 AM
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Cbnero, you have some good points, although i was a bit shocked .
Yes I have worn lingerie. He has no interest in sex.
I have told him many many times how unhappy I am, that I need touch and attention. I am not having an affair.
He tonight told me that his Iphone was more important than I was.

I came here for help to try to understand my husband and why he is doing what he is doing. And for advice on what I can do to help the situation. I have put up with ALOT. for the first 3 years of our marriage he was extremely verbally abusive. He was also watching porn on the computer for the first 3 years of our marriage. I was thinking of leaving because he has made no effort to help our marriage. I would not just walk out. I feel stupid even explaining this. Your reply was a bit rude. I'm done. Reply if you want but I won't see it.
Sorry but I was sympathetic all the way up until you said you were going to stay for a year and then leave. His actions don't sound good, but that doesn't excuse your own bad ones.

My advice is to communicate otherwise you're not just giving up you're plotting against him with your own bad behavior.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-05-2014, 11:38 AM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

Are you both still going to church?

One thing is true... you cannot change anyone but yourself. You have to start with your thoughts about your marriage.

You can start by reading a book called The Power of a Praying Wife. The very first chapter deals with you and how you think of your marriage, which is very important. You're reaching out here, so you are not done yet. Try the book.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-12-2014, 09:04 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

This one's easy: Assuming he's heterosexual and you're not obese, his testosterone is in the toilet. Get it checked.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 04:07 AM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

There is sin in your husband's life! Make no mistake about it! There is something in his life that is keeping his relationship with you as genuine. It could be pornography, which can desensitize a man. You see, if a man is feeding the lust of his eyes over and over again, than he can look at his beloved bride and compare; which you will never measure up to perfection and Photoshop and the like. That is not reality! It very well could be pornography that keeps your husband from enjoying his relationship with you.

Second, your husband is not leading and loving the way he should be. He is not fulfilling his side of the marriage deal. Love is patient, love is kind, love is unconditional! Your husband need to get right with God and be the husband that he should be to you. If your husband is not right with God, than you can go to the bank that his relationship with you will not be right. And the same goes for you too. If you do not have a relationship with the Lord or you are struggling, than you can be assured that your relationship with your husband will not be the same. I mean, the thought that you are contemplating divorce is not a right mindset to have.

You guys need to get back in marriage counseling so you two can communicate your needs, wants, desires, frustrations, etc. etc. etc. These are not being communicated productively or even at all.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 05-14-2014, 07:55 PM
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Re: I feel like my husband's roommate

I agree for sure...talking is key.
Anything like work, the kids, plans, friends-everything. Give her your un-divided attention too. Shut the TV off and look her in the eyes when she talks. It works and it's working for me now too
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